Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
curious as to how many of you sleep in separate bedrooms and for what reason?
for me, i have been told to sleep in the other room several times and eventually "allowed" to return to the bedroom. this last time, after we had been living like "roommates" for months and virtually sexless we had an argument and she told me to sleep in the other room.
that was five weeks ago. when she had cooled down a few days later, she said i could sleep in the bedroom. i said no thanks, that i wasn't going to go back in only to get thrown out again. besides, don't "roommates" sleep in separate rooms anyways?
The only time we sleep apart is when one of us is really sick/ill, and then one or the other of us usually goes to the spare bedroom to sleep so we don't disturb the other one and hopefully, don't make them ill either.
My take in your situation, though, is that you shouldn't relinquish your place in the master bedroom. If she's having a snit about something, you should hold your ground on sleeping in your own bed, and if SHE wants to go sleep in the spare room, then she can take her pillow and go.
Obviously, there's more going on here in your relationship that you haven't mentioned, but if you don't want to be in roommate status, then you will have to bite the bullet, define, set, and hold to your boundaries, and work on changes toward that end.
When we first got married, I used to get up and leave in the middle of the night because he snored. I kept my own little retreat in the spare bedroom. Hubby HATED this. I thought he was being stupid but he really hated it (it was during the relatively sexless part of our marriage too). When my first son came along, I was forced to stick it out in the bed with him. I bought some Mac's earplugs and have remained in our bed ever since.
thanks for your comments. during our fights she usually storms off into the bedroom. when the kids were home we put a lock on it so we could have some privacy. sometimes she locks it but she usually just tells me to sleep elsewhere.
she has gotten physical with me and i really don't want to let things go that far so i'm not looking for a dispute over territory in the bedroom. i know that be accepting this in the past i have made it an acceptable response from her and that is why i don't feel i should go back into the bedroom.
It sounds like you're scared of her, at the very least you allow her to intimidate you.
For one thing, she's not going to respect a man who is afraid of her.
I don't know if you're looking for possible solutions to this problem or just wondering if anyone else has the same issue but I'd suggest you remove the lock from the door, and not allow her to push you around. Oh, and the next time she gets physical call the police.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Married&Confused
i'm not looking for a dispute over territory in the bedroom.
It's not about the bedroom, it's about power and control and you're losing.
t...during our fights she usually storms off into the bedroom.
The cause of the bedroom separation is the fighting. I don't know about these fights, but one can imagine that either you win them or she wins them or they end in a draw... her running off to the bedroom and locking you out may be her way of winning some part of the fight, or her way of winning all of it, or her way of punishing you for winning, or, or, or, there's no way I can find causation without having the two of you explain it to me.
What I can say is this: to avoid having her lock you out of the bedroom... change the manner in which you discuss differences of opinion. Sit down and calmly go over why it is that she feels a need to storm off and lock you out and make a plan to avoid that outcome. In other words: find a better way to resolve differences.
This is just the sort of thing a couples counselor can help you with if you can't do it yourselves, but I would try it yourself first. Set down rules you both can agree on, and change the old way you communicate to a new one that either reduces your ability to make her feel like storming off, or reduces her inability to deal calmly with the discussion.
It's not about the bedrooms, it's about the fighting.
The cause of the bedroom separation is the fighting. I don't know about these fights, but one can imagine that either you win them or she wins them or they end in a draw... her running off to the bedroom and locking you out may be her way of winning some part of the fight, or her way of winning all of it, or her way of punishing you for winning, or, or, or, there's no way I can find causation without having the two of you explain it to me.
What I can say is this: to avoid having her lock you out of the bedroom... change the manner in which you discuss differences of opinion. Sit down and calmly go over why it is that she feels a need to storm off and lock you out and make a plan to avoid that outcome. In other words: find a better way to resolve differences.
This is just the sort of thing a couples counselor can help you with if you can't do it yourselves, but I would try it yourself first. Set down rules you both can agree on, and change the old way you communicate to a new one that either reduces your ability to make her feel like storming off, or reduces her inability to deal calmly with the discussion.
It's not about the bedrooms, it's about the fighting.
all of the above is true. as she has been violent in the past i am afraid of her. she has said she would call the police on me. she drinks to a point of being tipsy and that is when the problems start.
discussions always start out civilized and then deteriorate. despite how i try to keep the discussion on how we can improve things going forward, she finds a need to beat me up for things in the past. then when i refuse to rehash old issues, she gets frustrated and angry.
we went to marriage counseling and when the marriage counselor started pointing out some of my wife's issues, she refused to go. i see an individual counselor but my wife refuses to see one.
Married young, stayed young minded, slept in different rooms almost 10 years out of our 15 year marriage. I enjoyed the space and quiet, she enjoyed hanging out with the girls (all girls here). They slept with mom, I slept alone. However, this had nothing do with our sex life, as we would still be very sexually active, but when it was time to sleep, different rooms.
This changed last year, for good. I became a man to my wife, she became a woman. Our sex went from high school sex and lazy immature bjs, to mind blowing sex and porn star bjs. Everything changed for the better, our attitudes, the idea of "ewww it's so messy and sticky" to "omg, I love it...." A positive attitude towards each other and intimacy can change so much. She wanted me back in the room, I wanted the kids 100% out of the room at night. I wanted to sleep nude with my wife, and that just wasn't possible with the kids around. In fact, I couldn't even use my own shower, being the only man in the house. The kids took over and me and my wife sleeping in seperate rooms definitely created a huge gap in our lives (even though I never noticed as it was happening). In fact, I was stubborn and denied all advice. "We are different, it works for us!" Anyway, we compromised and I no longer get my "quiet space" and she no longer has to wear clothing to bed.
The fact that you so easily relinquish your bed at your wife's command is the core of your problem.
The few times my wife has been pissed enough to sleep away from me she`s the one who has hit the couch.
She wouldn`t even dream of telling me to get out of my own bed because she knows the reaction she`d get.
This works both ways, if I don`t want to be near her I go hit the couch.
If you just want to be away from someone you get away from them.
Telling them to get away from you sounds like more of a control issue than an anger issue.
When you allow her to control you in this way she will lose respect for you and that`s where the real damage begins.
Your wife has demanded power over you and you have willingly surrendered it. You now have three choices.
1. Accept the status quo. Keep trying passive aggressive measures like refusing her invitation back into your bedroom, hoping that she will understand that she's hurt your feelings, feel guilty, and change her behavior. I doubt that will work. But, you could keep trying it.
2. Improve your attitude about the status quo. Your wife is letting you live in her house and all you have to do is put up with some yelling and rare physical confrontations. Put on your happy face and remind yourself how lucky you are to be married to such a peach.
3. Change the status quo. Take your power back from your wife. Decide that you were wrong to give it up and that you will not allow a woman to have complete power over you anymore. This may lead to a better marriage. It may also lead to divorce.
I think those are your only choices. Most here will tell you to pick #3. But you have to decide for yourself.
all of the above is true. as she has been violent in the past i am afraid of her. she has said she would call the police on me. she drinks to a point of being tipsy and that is when the problems start.
Man, that's tough. A drunk wife who gets physical? Still, you need to make a stand. Tell her calmly, when she's not tipsy, that she will no longer get physical with you. The next time she does, you WILL call 911. Then...you do it. Have a VAR in your pocket, if legal in your state, and maybe that will keep you out of the back of the police car.
On the lock, that shyte needs to be gone today. If she puts another one on, I'd take the FN door off the hinges and chunk it in the backyard. You sleep in your bed tonight. She can find another place to lay her head if she has a problem with that.
she has gotten physical with me and i really don't want to let things go that far so i'm not looking for a dispute over territory in the bedroom.
This is unacceptable and must stop.
Quote:
i know that be accepting this in the past i have made it an acceptable response from her and that is why i don't feel i should go back into the bedroom.
What do you get when you do what you`ve always done?
You obviously don`t like where you`re at and what you`re doing so change is needed and in my opinion moving back into your own bed and holding fast to some new self-centered boundaries will fix this problem for you one way or another.
19Likes
separate bedrooms 
with tacoma. You're letting her push you around. Stop.
