Unaffectionate wife, self devastated.
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 06-13-2012, 07:40 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Unaffectionate wife, self devastated.

Ok, so after some reading i've taken the plunge to join.

I'm looking for thoughts, opinions, ideas and general advice.

My story:

Married for nearly 13 years, together 15 years, with an 8 year old boy and 1 year old girl.
Life began with perhaps basic sex once a week. My wife is low drive and I would class myself as medium to high.
What can I say, I fell in love with her and thought it was ok.
I found it strange she would kiss, but without tongues, her thinking that was a bit naughty.
The first time we has sex, I went down on her and she stopped me after about a minute or two.
Didn't think anything of it.
Next time, she just said she didn't really like that, so I did not persist not wanting her to do anything she did not want to do.
But I loved her.
She told me she didn't do the BJ thing, so that was off the cards.
Still I loved her and thought that would be ok.

Sex slowed to once a month.
Still I loved her.

We had more sex when she fell pregnant with our son, although looking back it was only a few times before she fell pregnant.

Sex fairly much dried up after that.
But I loved her and I loved my son.

As both being only children ourselves, we decided to have another child.
Again, she fell pregnant quickly, so not much sex.

No sex during pregnancy and following a few complications after, heavy bleeding, we have had sex once in 20 months since our daughter was conceived.


That's not really all though.
I'm an affectionate guy, I like to hug, I like to kiss, I like to touch.
I do this without thinking and without it being a precursor to sex.
It's just how I am.

About 4 years ago, we went through a rough patch where I brought up that she was never affectionate back to me.
Never any time to hug or kiss me, never standing at the window to wave goodbye,
never looking back to wave when she drives off.
But always time to do so for others.
We got it out in the open and things got better affection wise for, well, about 6 months before it started to slip from her perspective.
I didn't notice really at the time as I was still hugging and showing affection plenty.
But I still loved her.


Shortly before our daughter was born I had to move away for work.
I Skyped every night and always took part at the weekends, helping out with both kids and around the house.
I would come back tired, she was tired, but I always had time to hug or kiss her, she never did for me.
We just seemed to co-exist together with her never showing affection.


Since being back home now, I have again been pushed to the bottom of the pile.
It seems as though I am living with a friend, a room-mate or a sister.


Recently I gave up, stopped hugging and kissing.
If I don't give her a goodnight kiss in bed, she never kisses me, ever.

We have talked about this recently, I have explained just how hurt I am.
She said she felt horrible when I didn't hug her.
I said that was how she made me feel all these years by not hugging me.
I even brought up that, having thought back over the years, when we do have sex, she never lets me see her naked and I honestly can't recall when she has even ever touched my 'old man'.


Does she love me? She says she does, but her actions just don't tell me that.
Will she get better? I honestly don't think she has it in her.
Ok, short term maybe, but I feel at my wits end.
I feel hurt and unloved.

I don't even know if I want it to work, but am scared rigid of not seeing the kids regularly.

I've lost hope on the sex front, ok so some kissing, me helping her by hand and then intercourse may occur, but after having the 'whole platter' of sexual activities in pre marriage relationships, can I really not have any of that again, ever?

I just don't know.

I feel totally lost and completely alone in all of this.
If I talk to her, I just get the whole 'splitting up the family' talk, cold shoulder, tears, and the occasional half hearted attempt at some affection.

I just know I can't be in this situation in 6 months or a year or two years.
It is crippling me.
I cant sleep, or eat and my work is suffering.


Do I still love her? well after 15 years and 2 kids, yes I do.
Am I in love with her? I don't think I am.




Thanks for reading.
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Old 06-13-2012, 07:50 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unaffectionate wife, self devastated.

Nice post. You are not alone in that many men are in your situation.

The first thing you should think about is that women do not connect sex to love the way men do. A woman who agrees to sex loves that man, but a man who agrees to sex would agree to sex with any woman... So women do not view men who want sex as an action of love.. So, what is the thing you could do that would make your wife feel loved? Does your wife lack something you are doing (non sexual) that makes her feel alone, unloved and similar to you? If that's the case you must fix that.

If your wife feels loved, happy, satisifed with life, you may want to show her your letter.
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Old 06-13-2012, 08:01 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unaffectionate wife, self devastated.

Thanks Hicks.
She feels loved, happy and satisfied with life by me being affectionate towards her.
Like I say I am a hugger and very tactile which she says makes her feel loved.
I do my share of 'work' about the house.

My biggest concern aside from her lack of affection is perhaps:
If I mention other sexual activities that I know she does not want to do, how can we then do them without me always thinking i've pressured her into doing something for me that she obviously doesn't want to do - or she would have in 15 years.
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Old 06-13-2012, 08:08 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unaffectionate wife, self devastated.

IAH - welcome! Firstly, thank-you for using paragraphs...it makes reading a long post so much easier than just seeing a bloody great big block of text!

I fully sympathise with you and your dilemma....Me, and many other husbands on here are in the same boat.

Be warned though...many will tell you its your fault for not wooing her and not understanding her, not doing your fair share round the house etc.

I think ytou are simply married to someone for whom sexual intimacy with her husband just doesnt register and she can't/won't understand how important it is to you.

You are in a dilemma...you have children you love and want to be a constant feature in your life...yet you are also a man with sexual needs.

Please don't even suggest on here that you might get your sexual needs met elsewhere but stay married. You will be shot down!

Sorry I haven't been able to 'help' you.... I'm at a loss too, brother.
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Old 06-13-2012, 08:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unaffectionate wife, self devastated.

7737 - thanks for your reply.

I do plenty about the house and with the kids.
Like I say, I am affectionate towards her and she loves that.

I just don't get anything back in return.
It's like it just never crosses her mind to just walk up to me and give me a hug, or a kiss. Yet she is the first to give friends and family a hug and kiss on greeting/goodbyes.

If I don't kiss her goodnight, she never reaches across and kisses me.

I just don't get it.

All I know is I feel miserable, hurt and trapped.
Is this my lot for the rest of my life?
This can't be what it is all about, surely.
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Old 06-13-2012, 08:17 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unaffectionate wife, self devastated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IsAnyoneHappy View Post

My biggest concern aside from her lack of affection is perhaps:
If I mention other sexual activities that I know she does not want to do, how can we then do them without me always thinking i've pressured her into doing something for me that she obviously doesn't want to do - or she would have in 15 years.
What you have to wrap your head around is it is OK to be selfish in a marriage, and if your wife does something to please you, she is doing it out of love, and for this reason you will be happy.
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Old 06-13-2012, 08:20 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unaffectionate wife, self devastated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hicks View Post
What you have to wrap your head around is it is OK to be selfish in a marriage, and if your wife does something to please you, she is doing it out of love, and for this reason you will be happy.
If she was do it out of love, surely she would be doing it already.

It's frustrating.
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Old 06-13-2012, 08:29 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unaffectionate wife, self devastated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IsAnyoneHappy View Post
If she was do it out of love, surely she would be doing it already.
Not true.... She doesn't understand what sex means to a man. She understands that you want it.... But looking through her own lens sex is not important... She can't empathize with you. She thinks you are masturbating in her.

This is why it is crucial that you understand what makes her feel loved and apprecaited... So you can talk about how you do those things for her, and the thing that makes you as a man feel that way is sexual fulfillment.
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Old 06-13-2012, 08:30 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unaffectionate wife, self devastated.

IAH - I will probably get shot down and told to go and rot in hell for saying this....but what the hell....I had an affair about 10 years ago. My wife doesnt know and my 'lover' is no longer alive.

However, I can say that whilst I was having the affair my marriage was better. Why?
Well, I no longer felt resentful towards my wife for ignoring me sexually, I did my share round the house etc with no expectation or hope of sex.
It was as if a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I was never going to 'leave'....'she' was in the same boat...a husband who ignored her. She wasnt going to leave him either...we were each others 'oasis in a desert'. It made us both happier in our 'other' lives.

I know affairs are wrong etc, and I'm not saying that you should have one or a 'friend with benefits'... All I am saying is that not everything in life is black and white.....
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Old 06-13-2012, 08:36 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unaffectionate wife, self devastated.

True 7737.
Choices in life are up to the individual.

You made a choice, and while others may not agree, I would not criticize you. You did what you felt you had to.

I admit to having been tempted and have turned down offers, but I think, for me, if my wife found out it would only make it worse for access to the kids and their future impression of me. If that makes sense.

Why, if you don't mind me asking were you never going to 'leave'?
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Old 06-13-2012, 08:43 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unaffectionate wife, self devastated.

Hicks, I saw this on MMSL
Church Lady And The Original Sin | Married Man Sex Life

It seems to be pretty much what i'm fighting with her.
How do you even go about changing that?

Or can you?
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Old 06-13-2012, 08:49 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unaffectionate wife, self devastated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 7737 View Post
IAH - I will probably get shot down and told to go and rot in hell for saying this....but what the hell....I had an affair about 10 years ago. My wife doesnt know and my 'lover' is no longer alive.

However, I can say that whilst I was having the affair my marriage was better. Why?
Well, I no longer felt resentful towards my wife for ignoring me sexually, I did my share round the house etc with no expectation or hope of sex.
It was as if a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I was never going to 'leave'....'she' was in the same boat...a husband who ignored her. She wasnt going to leave him either...we were each others 'oasis in a desert'. It made us both happier in our 'other' lives.

I know affairs are wrong etc, and I'm not saying that you should have one or a 'friend with benefits'... All I am saying is that not everything in life is black and white.....
i was in the same situation and had an affair. my wife told me that while i was having an affair she was happy that i wasn't pressuring her for sex. if they ever knew!

unfortunately i don't have a resolution. i would make two suggestions. first, do you know if she has any past history of sexual abuse? this may play a part in her inability to physically connect with you.

second, have you tried marriage counseling? if not, tell her you want to start going. if she says she doesn't want to go, tell her you will go alone. this shows you are serious about doing something.

at a minimum you will either find a way to live with her as she is, find a way to change her or find a way to leave her.
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Old 06-13-2012, 09:05 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unaffectionate wife, self devastated.

M&C

I am confident abuse does not play any part.
I am worried about short term improvements but it sliding again.

Having gone through all of this once, I now find myself going through it all again a second time.

I'm not sure I have the strength to go through it again.
Unfortunately, for the last month I have been toying with your latter suggestion, leaving, but it's the pull of the kids that cripples me every time.
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Old 06-13-2012, 09:46 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unaffectionate wife, self devastated.

Yup...the children. Makes it so much tougher.
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Old 06-13-2012, 09:55 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unaffectionate wife, self devastated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IsAnyoneHappy View Post
Thanks Hicks.
She feels loved, happy and satisfied with life by me being affectionate towards her.
Like I say I am a hugger and very tactile which she says makes her feel loved.
I do my share of 'work' about the house.

My biggest concern aside from her lack of affection is perhaps:
If I mention other sexual activities that I know she does not want to do, how can we then do them without me always thinking i've pressured her into doing something for me that she obviously doesn't want to do - or she would have in 15 years.
This is fine for YOU, but maybe physical touch is not her primary love language...

Get yourself the book 5 love languages by Gary Chapman:

Amazon.com: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (9780802473158): Gary D. Chapman: Books

Seems like she is not getting her 'love tank' filled by you. You can go on-line too and take thie love languages quiz (and have her do this as well):

The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love LanguagesŪ

This may give you some more insight into what's going on.
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