Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Re: Men: How important is the love component from your wife during sex?
Tacoma, thank you so much for your thorough and revealing (about men) response to my last post.
I don't think he's hung up on those exes. I think he does have a type and that is his #1 type. I dunno. Makes me a lot less interested/motivated in sticking around for much of anything.
From this woman's POV, it colors everything about our relationship and exchanges, hence my equating sex with him with brushing my teeth (well, no, I HAVE to brush my teeth...)
The photos on his phone last year were old photos of the exes. This year we were treated to porn pics that resembled the exes.
You and Marich75 are right. It doesn't matter if those women look like me or not and it doesn't matter if I'm his type or not. I feel not in love w/ him (now) & feel less than I did last year and certainly less than last week. Childish? Immature? Most definitely. Intellectually I understand what you are saying. And your ice cream analogy was far more eloquent than what he put so crassly.
We are both returning home from work trips tomorrow. Part of me gets happy/excited about seeing him. And the larger part of me is thinking, "What's the point?" It is what it is & I can't see it changing. I can only see the weird & hurtful-to-me behavior being more deftly executed.
He is a HIGHLY sexual person and porn and/or taking photos of other women must feed some kind of compulsion in him. I am in no way saying he's addicted to porn. I just don't know how to 'forgive and forget' or move on -- again!
I will listen and am willing to talk. I guess I have to see where it goes...
Re: Men: How important is the love component from your wife during sex?
I need love, I need to release my daily stresses, I need to feel my wife underneath me so I can feel safe, I need to smell my wife's neck to feel at home, I need to hear my wife's moan to get that inner calmness, like listening to classical music.... but we move to her heartbeat, like jazz music. I need to feel her acceptance, her wants, her desires... I need sex.
That's all part of it for me, I would never cheat but if you made sex only physical I'd rather be alone and with a hooker. Men, like women, are also needy and a lot women are too selfish to ever understand, everything your great husband provides that gives you your inner peace and complacency, he needs as well.
I need love, I need to release my daily stresses, I need to feel my wife underneath me so I can feel safe, I need to smell my wife's neck to feel at home, I need to hear my wife's moan to get that inner calmness, like listening to classical music, but we move like jazz music. I need to feel her acceptance, he wants, her desires... I need sex.
That's all part of it for me, I would never cheat but if you made sex only physical I'd rather be alone and with a hooker. Men, like women, are also needy and a lot women are too selfish to ever understand, everything your great husband provides that gives you your inner peace and complacency, he needs as well.
I want everything you have and I used to have it. But he's no longer such a great guy which is why I'm in this predicament. I would rather be by myself then with someone who would spend a lot of energy looking for photographs online that look like his ex in pornographic situations. is that supposed to make me feel bonded to him and that we have something special? That we are sharing in this loving and intimate experience? call me crazy but somehow it just does not. I do not feel safe, I do not feel special, I feel like I'm brushing my teeth. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Men: How important is the love component from your wife during sex?
Wisdom and clarity in the post below.
Quote:
Originally Posted by pplwatching
How do you feel about your sex life? If you are both happy, and feel like there is plenty of romance and intimacy outside of the bedroom then who's to say that there's anything wrong with the way that you both feel about sex?
Early in my marriage I would have probably said the same things. Then we had kids, we had period of time where we were disconnected emotionally, and finally we had a period of time where sex was physically difficult and then impossible. During those times I had to really think about what sex meant to me, and what I really got out of it. I had to look "under the hood" and discover what intimacy really meant to me and how sex filled a need in my soul. Eating fulfills a basic need, but sharing a bottle of wine over dinner and having a lovely chat is to really savor a meal.
In my experience getting naked is easy. Opening myself up to her so completely that my soul is naked before her was an act of faith in her. Learning how much I really got from sex took lovemaking to a completely new level for me. Sex with my wife can still be an act of animal passion. Sometimes it's an act of forgiveness, sometimes an act of asking for forgiveness and acceptance, but always a way to connect to each other. If that connection manifests itself in a sincere "I love you", it fills that need. If it manifests itself aggressive passion, it fills that need. I think the trick is being open to seeing it in all of it's forms.
Re: Men: How important is the love component from your wife during sex?
The flip side to not masturbating for the sake of a purely physical release.....
A spouse that hounds you for sex. A spouse that says they NEED to get off everyday, and it's your job to be that vessel. A spouse that gets angry when you won't wear hooker-wear and act out a porno, because you are, after all, a woman, and he NEEDS that purely animal sex once in awhile. A spouse that says he truely does want you to just fvck, all the time, without any emotional connection. "just do it".
There is sex, and there is making love.Some are just comfortable being sexual, and expressing fantasies.
How would you feel if your husband came to you every time he was horny... and you knew it was just because he was horny? He would feel like you do now. Don't you think he knows you are "just doing it"?
There is a point here to this.
He does respect you. He does NOT respect his ex. Her image is the one he is using to masturbate? She's only worthy of the fantasy being played out in his head. The hooker one. She's the one being used for sex. Nothing more. She's the one he views as a (insert whatever nasty term fits). she's his ideal s1ut. Good for her.
Re: Men: How important is the love component from your wife during sex?
Bingo-
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Originally Posted by seeking sanity
A guy wants his woman to feel desire for him: Desire manifests in juicy, fun sex. Lack of desire manifests in what you are describing. Most of us feel sh*tty about sex that comes from lack of desire. And as loving as our women are for their willingness to accommodate our ego and libido, it feels lousy and makes one feel like less of a man than the guy who's woman truly desires him.
I'd add that when lovemaking frequency becomes fixed, or feels negotiated, it may be better than zero, but is no longer fulfilling. Eroticism has its own checkbox, for men, and checking it is hopeless without desire.
You & your wife have a good relationship & she is very loving toward you. Never turns you down. Initiates sometimes. Is enthusiastic & adventurous. But you found out she does it to be loving, as she does love you. However, sex and love have become separate for her.
She enjoys having sex with you, but that's all it is. There is no emotional connect for her with you during sex. How would you feel & would you want to figure out why and how to change that? Posted via Mobile Device
To me sex and love are two different things . Sex does not show love . Not does it make me love my wife more or less . the effect love has on sex for me is love makes sex with my wife mean something to me because my wife means something to me . It does not make the sex better or worse . how I communicate , the things I do , the man I am for her , the respect I give her , that is how I show my love for my wife . we all have different views and values on aspects of our relationships with our spouse . I try to always remember that when we don't view things the same way . Things mean different , but not more or less . Just different Posted via Mobile Device
My H told me the other week that to him sex was "just" sex. That it is just a physical act. So I said I could be just anyone then?
He said no. He has since backpedaled but I am still devastated. And I am the woman. I cannot understand it this way around. Posted via Mobile Device
Sex is just a physical act . It is not the sex that means something to him . Yes he can have sex with woman and it would be god our bad depending on the sex .and you could have sex with anyone also .everyone can . What has meaning for your husband is you, his wife , his partner , the woman that he loves . sex with you has meaning because you have meaning . I hope that helps you understand . Oh and I hope that helps with your devastation . If sex with you were no different to him than any other woman , then you should be devastated Posted via Mobile Device
I am hurt. He is a great guy. Its his behavior that is not so great right now. I think mc is the thing we need to do.
I have a lot of resentment and this is the second time with this situation. Posted via Mobile Device
His behaviour is a direct reflection of what kind of guy he is . A great guy wouldnt treat his spouse like this . There is absolutely no reason for anyone who is in a relationship to have pictures if their ex on their phone . Women who resemble her are another matter . Everyone does have a preferred type . Just because you are his preferred type does not mean that you are not his type . My preferred is spanish, dark curly hair, dark eyes . Yet I have never been with this type and my wife is irish. it is obvious from your posts that this is not a good relationship for you to be in . That being said you only deserve what you are willing to settle for . But when all is said and done why punish yourself by having bad sex. since nothing else is good in this relationship at least let the sex be good . Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Men: How important is the love component from your wife during sex?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanie
I rarely feel that the sex between us is an act of love. He's got a high drive (as do I most often) and we take care of that need. We rarely kiss during sex, never speak and hop off the bed when we are done. We have sex on average of 5 times per week. He seems happy. Let me ask this....for the men who say they need to feel that their mate is "connected to them" during sex, what exactly makes you feel that way? Kissing..hugging...lot's of I love you's? Just curious.
For me, it's a lot of everything. Her touch, her smell, being with her, releasing in her, saying I love you, looking into her eyes, feeling her lips on mine, our hands interlocking, her body moving when she is on top, accepting my being into hers. Yes, sex itself is great, orgasming is great, but it would feel hollow and worthless if it wasn't shared with my fiancee. Feeling her body pressed against mine, holding her close, it's a special bond you get with just one person on this planet. I can't imagine being with anyone else and I can't imagine getting that feeling with anyone else. The thought of being with someone else makes me feel ill because I get such a strong, emotional feeling with her.
It's like an addiction, you need they feeling every so often, not just to release, but to be with that special love of your life and share yourself with her, and share her with yourself.
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Originally Posted by GhostRydr
The first mistake a man makes is trying to decipher the thought process of a woman and why she thinks the way she does.
If she is adventerous, loves having sex, etc...let it be. We as men shouldnt care how she has emotionally arrived at her feeling.
I care, and I care because I want her to get to that feeling again. I care also because I want her to care about me that way.
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Originally Posted by MrVanilla
I couldn't agree more -and btw, I'm a guy- the past should stay in the past. In as much as he is keeping these pictures, my W is keeping her memories of sex acts she used to enjoy with men in her past... things we've never done together and things she wants to do now. might this be why I'm so reluctant? She's with me now, and needs to let the past be the past. I think this kind of hurt can go both ways, and I agree that we have to look past it to fix what we have.
Have you asked her about why she wants to do these types of sex again? Is it really a chance to revisit the past?
I have a desire to redo some sexual things from my past as well with my fiancee, but it's because I want to associate her with those memories. Memories are something which can be triggered by almost anything sometimes it seems, and if I have a memory triggered sexually about a past girlfriend or my ex-wife, I'd be much more happy if I could associate that memory with my fiancee instead. She's my world, and I want all of the good times to be about her and thinking of her. Maybe that's what your wife is trying to do as well? If so, it seems more like an act of love than an act of sex or recapturing her past.
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Originally Posted by stoney1215
To me sex and love are two different things . Sex does not show love . Not does it make me love my wife more or less . the effect love has on sex for me is love makes sex with my wife mean something to me because my wife means something to me . It does not make the sex better or worse . how I communicate , the things I do , the man I am for her , the respect I give her , that is how I show my love for my wife . we all have different views and values on aspects of our relationships with our spouse . I try to always remember that when we don't view things the same way . Things mean different , but not more or less . Just different Posted via Mobile Device
I think if you read the bolded, they contradict each other. Because you love your wife, it makes sex mean something to you. Love has an affect on sex. Not on the physical part, like you stated, but on the mental and emotional part, which, to me personally, is the best part of sex. Love and sex go together in a marriage.
Re: Men: How important is the love component from your wife during sex?
i couldnt disagree more deejov . making love ? what is that supposed to be ? like in the movies or romance novels . the love i make with my wife happens every day in my words , my support , my devotion , my respect , my loyalty , and my support . i have sex with my wife because i am aroused by her , sex with her is fulfilling , fun , and exciting , and it turns me on just to be near her . if my wife " just did it " that would signify to me a major problem in our relationship . my wife no longer is aroused , turned on , and excited by me . which is something i would try to remedy as soon as it came to my attention . and to have pictures of his ex is most certainly disrespectful to his wife . how could he have respect for her when he desires his ex more than her ? the ex is not being used for sex , he is not having sex with her . his wife is the one being used for sex while he plays out his fantasy in his head .
Re: Men: How important is the love component from your wife during sex?
Quote:
Originally Posted by kingsfan
For me, it's a lot of everything. Her touch, her smell, being with her, releasing in her, saying I love you, looking into her eyes, feeling her lips on mine, our hands interlocking, her body moving when she is on top, accepting my being into hers. Yes, sex itself is great, orgasming is great, but it would feel hollow and worthless if it wasn't shared with my fiancee. Feeling her body pressed against mine, holding her close, it's a special bond you get with just one person on this planet. I can't imagine being with anyone else and I can't imagine getting that feeling with anyone else. The thought of being with someone else makes me feel ill because I get such a strong, emotional feeling with her.
It's like an addiction, you need they feeling every so often, not just to release, but to be with that special love of your life and share yourself with her, and share her with yourself.
I care, and I care because I want her to get to that feeling again. I care also because I want her to care about me that way.
Have you asked her about why she wants to do these types of sex again? Is it really a chance to revisit the past?
I have a desire to redo some sexual things from my past as well with my fiancee, but it's because I want to associate her with those memories. Memories are something which can be triggered by almost anything sometimes it seems, and if I have a memory triggered sexually about a past girlfriend or my ex-wife, I'd be much more happy if I could associate that memory with my fiancee instead. She's my world, and I want all of the good times to be about her and thinking of her. Maybe that's what your wife is trying to do as well? If so, it seems more like an act of love than an act of sex or recapturing her past.
I think if you read the bolded, they contradict each other. Because you love your wife, it makes sex mean something to you. Love has an affect on sex. Not on the physical part, like you stated, but on the mental and emotional part, which, to me personally, is the best part of sex. Love and sex go together in a marriage.
it does not contradict . it is not the sex that has meaning , it is my wife . because i love my wife , it makes SEX WITH HER mean something to me . it does not make SEX mean something to me . the mental and emotional part come from her and the feelings i have for her .
my wife and i are " swingers " and have had sex with men , women , and couples . i have had amazing sex with ohther women and her with other men . some of the best sex we have had has been with other people . even though the sex is with someone else it is still something i share with my wife and i still get the same emotional feeling from the encounter .
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Re: Men: How important is the love component from your wife during sex? 
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