Just1Man

Well, it has been a long while since I posted here. Sorry to say that things are not better. I know why I'm posting, I have no one to talk to about this. Posting my problems makes me feel a little better so might as well right.

My wife has almost zero sex drive. Once every month or so. I'm not fat, ugly, selfish in bed, etc. We don't work too hard, we have time to be with each other. We have kids but they are not a problem. She admits to having no sex drive. She went to therapy for depression and was promptly cleared even though her therapist never talked to me despite my offer to attend a session.

She is just not interested in physical affection or in putting fourth the effort to have sex. She even admits to not being affectionate and almost robot like.

I recently met a woman 10 years younger than me. We worked together on a project for a week or so. I'm blind to most things (or have chosen to become blind) but even I could see the crush she had on me. Others noticed it as well. It was not a messed up or weird thing. She just likes me and had a hard time not showing it. She figured out quick I was married and tried to keep her crush as respectable as possible and I appreciated that. I was so flattered that it actually hurt. This woman is probably thinking how lucky my wife is to have me, wow, if she only knew.

I think my wife looks to me like a best friend, the father of her children, life partner, and the guy she doesn't have to have sex with. I truly love her but the lack of attention is killing me. This has been going on for close to 5 years...

SunnyT

Marriage counseling? Sex therapy? Keep trying....

pplwatching

I have been in your shoes. Thankfully when I finally was able to communicate to my wife that I was lonely even when she was right next to me, we made a commitment to try together. Things slowly got better and we've gone from desperation to a vibrant sex life. I only say that to let you know that there is hope.

I tried looking through your old posts to see what you've already shared, but let me just ask instead ... Have you spoken to her OBGYN? My wife and I discovered that hormonal birth control really shut down her sex drive, and were shocked to learn that many women experience the same thing. After trying different brands, we finally just went back to condoms and discovered that her sex drive was much better. Her Dr can also check her hormone levels and determine if she's out of balance.

catloverd

Is she on birth control? Birth control actually lowers sex drive. So you might want to switch to condoms or some other form.

It seems you asked her about, but I think you need to communicate your feelings or find a way to get her in the "mood," Giver her a massage. Try surprise kissing her. Go away for a weekend, if you can, and take time to relax and enjoy to the two of you.

Try going to a therapist together if nothing works out. It seems the problem might be solvable on it's own if you tell her how you feel.

Just1Man

She had her tubes tied which can kill sex drive and can not be fixed. We talked about the hormone levels and she prefers not to take hormones due to her high cancer risk. She is on Prozac which can kill sex drive. We have talked countless times about it and nothing changes. She is actually very happy with the way things are and is not affected by the lack of sex or affection.

The weird thing about my wife is that when she wants to change something in her life it does not take her a few weeks or months to do it. It takes her a few years. She is extremely slow to change and prefers static routine even if it is destructive. We have tried a get away for the weekend recently. It was her idea. She does enjoy getting away on little vacations. Like usual we talked, had fun, had sex. That was 4 weeks ago and it also happened to be the last time we had sex. I can't exactly set up a vacation every time I want to have sex with my wife.

She knows I am a very sexual person. I was this way when she married me and when we were dating it was no problem. She even had her own mother tell her "If you don't start Fing' your husband someone else will." PS: My mother in law has a crush on me, great.

I am of the belief that you do something cause you want to. I want to make love to my wife. She is not interested 90% of the time. I don't want her to pretend to be interested just to make me happy. That would make me feel like a pathetic looser. So, I'm stuck.

lamaga

OMG Prozac? I am very HD and on Prozac I went for two years without masturbating once (I was single at the time). If nothing else she should explore an anti-depressant with fewer sexual side effects.

Just1Man

Yep. The deck is truly stacked against me.

Question ladies: How long did it take you to figure out how to please you man? How long did it take before you knew exactly what to do to drive him crazy and you could make him orgasm in no time flat if you wanted to ? This is something I have been trying not to think about for some time now but I just have to know. I can make my wife orgasm once or twice orally before "sex". She, on the other hand, seems to barely have a clue when it comes to pleasuring me. It is like she forgets everything about me or really does not have a desire to figure out what I enjoy. I even tell her I like something when she does it and it just doesn't click with her ? This goes back to my theory that if you really don't want to do something you are not going to try very hard to get better at it. Keep in mind, 10 years we have been together.

lamaga

Well, if you want to learn, it doesn't take long at all.

wiigirl

Keep trying....quiting is the worst option.

lamaga

It's not always the worst option.

MEM11363

You have taught her how to treat you. And you have done that by reinforcing her behavior toward you with mostly unconditional love. If you want a different outcome, you need to change your response pattern to her.

tacoma

I`ve never heard of this.
Did she tell you this or did a doctor?

My wife had a tubal 11 years ago and it never affected her sex life.
As long as womans ovaries are intact and functioning the hormones that control her drive should be working just fine.

The Prozac is a likely candidate.

Stop talking and do something.
5 years is unacceptable.

You`re only stuck because you allow yourself to be stuck.

You do not fulfill your own needs for the sake of your wife`s.
This will cause her to disregard and disrespect yours.
You`re being a doormat for taking this for 5 years.

I`d divorce but I would have tried to fix it before it got to this point.

Read this,

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

buy the book, run the MAP, set a time limit and if nothings changed even after this effort divorce your wife.

tacoma

After 5 years it`s his best option if he wants a satisfying sex life.

Changing this dynamic he`s founded is going to be difficult and is going to take drastic measures.

that_girl

What pisses me off about situations like this is that the woman CAN have sex, but because SHE doesn't want it/desire it, she doesn't have it....EVEN THOUGH she knows her husband wants/desires it.

Selfish much? Godam. I wouldn't stand for that shet.

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Sawney Beane

Think about it: how long did it take YOU to figure out how to get yourself off in no time flat, when you were (eg) a teen? Not very bleedin' long, I'd guess.

What skills take the longest to master?
1) Really technically difficult ones;
2) Ones you're not the remotest bit interested in acquiring.

This isn't brain surgery. It didn't take Mrs Beane more than a couple of weeks to really work out how to push my buttons. If after ten years she hasn't worked out how to push yours, is suggests a fundamental lack of interest in figuring this out. WHY she isn't interested in learning is a more important question than how long it will take her.

I suggest that you read what MEM wrote very carefully. She isn't interested in learning because she knows she doesn't have to. You accept her lack of application as an occupational hazard.

Beware, though, there might be more to it. She works this way because
a) she can (see MEM's comment);
b) because it suits her.

You can address a). You CAN not put up with it. The question is WHY it suits her to act like this. That's the key, the answer you need to find.

It may be that there isn't a solution (as opposed to an answer / a reason), but at least you'll know.

__________________
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