Want my husband to be more dominant
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 06-17-2012, 02:17 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Want my husband to be more dominant

My husband and I have a healthy sex life. Right now, he's experiencing a little bit of a hard time in life, so I'm making sure he's entirely fulfilled in the bedroom. Meaning, I put up no blocks, no boundaries. I completely submit. If he wants it, he'll get it.

He's very traditional, however. I'd love it if he were to be more rough and dominant. The nature of asking him such a thing might imply he hasn't been all these years, and I don't want him to think that. Any ideas?
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Old 06-17-2012, 04:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want my husband to be more dominant

Get a black silk scarf, tie it across your eyes, kneel on the floor and say sir, this one would like you to use her.
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Old 06-17-2012, 04:15 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want my husband to be more dominant

Tell him what you want. You might be surprised that he wants to dominate you too but has been too shy to do so.
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Old 06-17-2012, 05:27 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want my husband to be more dominant

I like Shaggy's idea (well, minus the third-person speak, but that's just personal preference).

Propose a scene that necessitates him taking control. Ask him to tie you up. That's relatively mild stuff that's pretty mainstream by now. If you're bound, he kind of has to take control because it's not like you could do much in that position.

If you're just wanting him more dominant for sex, it doesn't hurt to ask for specific things. But don't overdo it or you'll end up feeling like you're topping from the bottom and that kinda defeats the purpose, which is to encourage him to develop whatever spark of sexual dominance he might have deep inside. What's worked for me in the past is mentioning how much I'd like something - starting small, like having my wrists pinned above my head - and then providing encouragement by letting my partner see how much it turns me on when they do it.

Also, "catch" the things he does that you don't ask for but that are major turn-ons for you and give lots of positive reinforcement (verbally and with body language). This can help a dominant-in-the-rough start trusting his/her own instincts instead of holding back. For example, I love having my hair tugged and having the guy in control during BJs. So whenever I used to give one to a more vanilla-type guy and his hands would go to my head/hair during a BJ, I'd let him see/hear how that affected me...and I'd make damn sure the BJ got even better at that point. Funnily enough, they'd start doing that more.

I'm not trying to imply that men can be trained... but men can be trained lol. It's only to get the kindling lit. If he has any inner desire to be dominant in bed, it will grow from there and your job is to let him take the lead and to just keep fanning the flames.
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Old 06-17-2012, 07:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want my husband to be more dominant

Over 90% of husbands want to be more dominant in bed and are afraid of what their wives will think of them (ok I made up that statistic but the point is valid). Chances are pretty good your husband is one of them.
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Old 06-17-2012, 07:42 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want my husband to be more dominant

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Originally Posted by megan75 View Post
My husband and I have a healthy sex life. Right now, he's experiencing a little bit of a hard time in life, so I'm making sure he's entirely fulfilled in the bedroom. Meaning, I put up no blocks, no boundaries. I completely submit. If he wants it, he'll get it.

He's very traditional, however. I'd love it if he were to be more rough and dominant. The nature of asking him such a thing might imply he hasn't been all these years, and I don't want him to think that. Any ideas?
Just communicate and tell him what you want. He won't be "hurt" because he hasn't been more rough and dominant (why would he be if you never communicated this need) . As good husbands we pride ourselves in being different from the rest of the guys our wives have been with. You married him,so he did something right. His caring and sensitive bedroom behavior is one of the reasons you now trust him enough to be rough and aggressive, because you know he'd never really hurt you. It's a wonderful thing and when you communicate let him know your urge to get it a bit more rougher just sparked, and he is the only man you'd ever trust to absolutely ravish you.

My wife told me from the beginning that she wanted her arms held down, legs held up, and needed aggression. Had she never told me I'd still try to be my idea of a perfect, gentle, lover. COMMUNICATE.
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Old 06-17-2012, 07:56 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Megan,
I call this the transitioners dilemma. How to get from A to G without making it seem like A was bad. Lucky you, 50 shades has gone viral.

You: I have been reading this book 50 shades. Have you heard of it?
Him: yes (if he says no, give him a very short summary)
You: do you think it is "off" that so many women seem to read that book and realize that they want some level of that stuff in their marriage?
Him: (talking) while you are carefully reading him
You: taking a soft, medium or fast paced approach to telling him that you WANT him to start down that path with you
As for the "past" if you want to address it: I never really thought much about this until I read the book, I was surprised that it seemed hot to me, but it did

If he seems game, give him a short list of what you want to try.



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Originally Posted by megan75 View Post
My husband and I have a healthy sex life. Right now, he's experiencing a little bit of a hard time in life, so I'm making sure he's entirely fulfilled in the bedroom. Meaning, I put up no blocks, no boundaries. I completely submit. If he wants it, he'll get it.

He's very traditional, however. I'd love it if he were to be more rough and dominant. The nature of asking him such a thing might imply he hasn't been all these years, and I don't want him to think that. Any ideas?
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Old 06-17-2012, 08:43 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want my husband to be more dominant

JUst tell him you would like him to totally suprise and bend you over the bathroom sink, take you in the shower ...etc etc...

I think I'm learning that men do listen even if they don't seem to say much back to you when you tell them what you would like. Tell him you have some fantasys that include......

I know I mentioned to my husband that I would like him to use my vibrator on me and one day he did just that. he was very forcefulkl too about everything and I like all that force
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Old 06-18-2012, 12:31 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want my husband to be more dominant

Quote:
Aristotle said: His caring and sensitive bedroom behavior is one of the reasons you now trust him enough to be rough and aggressive, because you know he'd never really hurt you. It's a wonderful thing and when you communicate let him know your urge to get it a bit more rougher just sparked, and he is the only man you'd ever trust to absolutely ravish you.

My wife told me from the beginning that she wanted her arms held down, legs held up, and needed aggression. Had she never told me I'd still try to be my idea of a perfect, gentle, lover. COMMUNICATE.
I like this ^^^^ This is how I felt ....truly...I landed on this forum with this particular desire, a very similar question....though I never cared about this or gave it a thought until 19 yrs into my marriage (!@#$%^&) My very 1st thread here : Husbands who are not Dominate enough & Wives who are - how to reverse roles?

In our case, I can't say my husband ever reached the heights of aggression I wanted or craved, but it was still "good" .... Due to my pursuit to get him more WILD in bed, I took to reading many books to understand him, why he couldn't step it up...into my fantasy realm... to spank my ass , talk dirty, throw me down on the bed, up against a wall and take me like that........ he struggled..... when he did try to spank me, I had to tell him HARDER , then he started laughing. What can you do!

We learned so much about each other & our Lover styles in the last 3 yrs ..amazingly to find we are a Perfectly compatible -even if some of my fantasies are wilder & more aggressive than he can deliver to me. I tend to be "the deliverer"...and he likes aggressive woman!

The 1st step is to communicate your desires...for sure. Do this young & early in a marraige, it is something we didn't do and I highly regret.

This book really helped ME understand WHY I couldn't get my husband more aggressive. Yours may be able to slip into this role just fine once you open up this box...but if not...... just some aids to help you understand why... for my husband......he is the way he is & it was fruitless to try and change his Lover style...
When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life Books

10 libido types >>>

Sensual, Erotic, Compulsive, Dependent, Stressed, Disinterested, Detached, Addictive, Entitled, and Reactive.

I discovered I was a Erotic/ Dependent and he was a Sensual /Reactive. Reactives are generally NOT aggressive lovers. Sensuals are the Love makers, it is very emotional for them, sensitive and heartfully consuming. I could not turn my husband into an Erotic or I would be banging my head against the wall.

Also ....here is a Lover Style Test you can take with your husband to see where he falls , and yourself...it will even tell you which is preferred for each type. (It was an interesting discovery to find Me & mine were a perfect match ....even though I was more of the natural pursuer, the Don Juan if you will...I was the Suave, he was the Devoted).

2 links -same test >> HelloQuizzy.com: The Lover Style Profile Test ........ OkCupid | Take The Lover Style Profile Test

Results would be :

Classic Lover
The Exotic Lover
The Suave Lover
The Carnal Lover
The Devoted Lover
The Surprising Lover
The Romantic Lover
The Liberated Lover


Let us know how this goes....
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Old 06-18-2012, 10:35 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Want my husband to be more dominant

I've read that a safe way to communicate this would be to write a story starring you two as the characters and then ask him to read it.

Or maybe in a non-sexual setting talk about sex, wants and desires. Ask him what he wants. If either of you are too shy saying it out loud then maybe write them down. Doesn't have to be a whole story, just a short sentence or two for each thing that you want. He may not even know how to be more aggressive/dominate. So you may need to explain exactly what your thinking. Might be good to give him a list of 10 things and ask him to choose one. Maybe put some almost-vanilla things on there to start with like a blindfold, or ask him to tie your hands. Sportsheets (from amazon.com) makes a very easy to use restraint set that wouldn't be too intimidating. Maybe in the heat of the moment ask him to hold your hands above your head or behind your back. Get him comfortable with the those baby step things first.
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