Tall Average Guy

While I have posted a lot, I have never started a thread, so here goes. Over the last year or so, I have been more aggressive in bed with my wife, both in physical aggression as well as trying new things. It has generally gone well, and she has been receptive to my leading in this area. As things have progressed, it is clear she likes some elements of being tied up. I have held her hands above her head and kept her in control during sex, and she has really responded, both physically and verbally.

So last night, we turned it up a bit with me tying her hands. Again, she responded well, and things were going hot for both of us. My wife has not always been comfortable receiving oral, so this was an opportunity for me to take a bit more time than usual. I had mentioned this before, and she had not ever objected. As that occurred last night, she made a comment about me stopping oral and starting sex. This is where things went downhill.

I don’t recall the precise wording, but I made a comment saying essentially that this was for me to enjoy you. I referring to giving her oral, and meant that it was for me to give her pleasure in ways I enjoyed. What she heard was that it was about me getting off and her not. This ticked her off. While she did not use her safe word, it became apparent pretty quickly that she was ticked, so I quickly released her. We talked about it, realized that my choice of words was not precise and left far too much interpretation, and that we did not communicate. .By that point, the mood was gone so there was not sex, and even with the talk, I felt like we were father apart, rather than bringing us together.

I raised the idea of getting together tonight, without the ties, and she seemed okay with it (though not as enthusiastic as in the past). While I don’t think I scared her off of being tied up, this experience certainly did not give her much comfort.

With all that in mind, I want to give her that comfort and work through this with her. Is it something I raise again, and if so when? Tonight seems like a bad idea, as I think it makes sense to “repair” the connection first, then explore this. We have tried other things that just did not work for us, but this is the first one where it was a real negative experience, as opposed to just neutral. Any thoughts are welcome.

MarriedTex

Yeah, the mistake here was trying to push the envelope on two frontiers at once. Essentially, you were plowing new ground both in the bondage side and the oral side. Now, you have the two linked in her mind.

Your instincts are right. Retreat to making basic connection tonight. If subject comes up, own your mistake. You saw statement as license for her to lay back and receive pleasure from you (because you were enjoying giving it to her as well.) You realize later how statement could be construed as you treating her as object. Underscore this was not you intent at all. Best of luck.

SprucHub

Avoid the discussion until the awkwardness dissipates. If anything, say that blood flows to one head at a time and that all statements made during sex times are to be interpretted as nonsensical ravings or thank yous.

Inside_Looking_Out

I hesitate to mention this...and please keep in mind, this comes from a standpoint of me transferring a personal situation onto your own situation. It might not have anything to do with your own situation at all.

When I first met my husband, although he professed to having numerous sexual escapades and being very good at pleasing women...was not. It was always enthusiastic, always considerate...but he just was not skilled. He would touch and taste me the way a man would want to be touched. He assumed because it felt good being done to him, it must feel good for me as well. Too hard, too fast, too concentrated in one area. This was especially the case when he would perform oral on me.

For a good number of years in the beginning of our relationship, I shortchanged both of us by not speaking up and saying something. Of course, when I finally did, it was even more hurtful when he thought back to how long this had been going on.

I would make all sorts of excuses to get him to cut the oral session short..."I am a bit self-conscious about that area", "I am just too sensitive right now", "I just love your c&^% so much more, hurry up and come back up here!", they go on. Now none of those are completely false...but I would exaggerate a bit just to cut the session shorter when it would start to become painful or uncomfortable.

I would even try to make hints on how to do a better job...I tried to gently guide him in the right direction, or I would even say subtle things like "I really really love it when you use a soft touch like this (rubbing his arm or wrist to get the point across)."

Until I just came out and said something, nothing improved. Things are vastly better now! I was stupid for just not coming out and saying something.

So...my story may or may not give insight into why at least one woman might be cutting oral short, or trying to move on to the next step so quickly in the evening. Even now, I catch myself sometimes cutting oral short...but it might be for other reasons. Maybe I didn't get to go to my waxing appointment and am feeling unkempt, or I didn't get to take a shower like I wanted, or I am feeling like I might have a bit of gas Only now, instead of making excuses...I just outright say..."Honey, my brain isn't cooperating right now, let's move on to something else...can I return the favor instead?!"

Not sure why so many of us ladies have a problem with being direct. The ladies that can speak up for themselves without feeling such intense guilt...man I am jealous of them. When I grow up one day...I want to be just like them!

I think what I would suggest, if you think there is even the slightest chance that her problem could be similar to mine...I would gently ask her if you do a good job at oral. She will want to placate you at first and not hurt your feelings. Push the matter (gently) and tell her that you genuinely want to know if there is something you could change about your routine that would make her follow you around begging for it. Reassure her that your feelings won't be hurt, that instead, you are looking forward to learning more about her and what she likes and that learning more about her will turn you on in an incredible way. If my husband would have shifted gears and actually asked me...especially in that manner, I would have jumped his bones immediately just because he cared enough to ask. For the moment...forget about the issue of bondage...I would let that one settle and focus on the reason she isn't that fond of oral.

Like I said...just my two cents. I might be way off base. Best of luck to you!

Tall Average Guy

Thanks for the comments. I have wondered about this over the years as well. I don't think this is the issue, but am not 100% certain. She generally has a poor body image and poor sex image. That has improved lately, but it is still something she is working on (the "good girls don't like sex" teaching really did a number on her).

She has enjoyed oral and orgasmed, though that is typically when she has had a couple of drinks. I have also researched different techniques and think I have improved in this area over the years.

I have also gently questioned about what she likes and does not, and ways I could make things better for her. She has never offered anything on oral. The impression I get is that issues you raise:

really bother her and make her uncomfortable. Because of that, she really can't relax and enjoy it.

So while I think that is not an issue, her general reluctance to discuss sex means I am not entirely certain.

lovesherman

I would wait a few days before trying again. Is she relaxed before sex? Have you tried giving her a massage first, and then localizing your touch? She needs a lot of patience, so it is good that you are gentle and understanding with her. She may think that you do not like the way that she smells or tastes, so re-assure her that you do. Ask her if a flavored lube or coconut oil would solve that problem.

I think with persistence you will discover what the issue is, and then you can find a solution. Kudos to you for working on this together.

lamaga

Okay, I hate to steal Conrad's line, but do you know anything about her childhood/teen years?

This sounds exactly like a flashback to me. In other words, you're having a great time, and something that is said or done puts you right back into a childhood abuse situation, and you shut down.

I don't know, obviously, but it pinged all my flashback alarm buttons, and baby, I got 'em.

Gaia

Could be this.. ^^^^ Could be.. your skill isn't quite right for her taste... either way.. I would recommend waiting before bringing out the bondage equiptment again.. and/or performing oral. When she feels more at ease about it and figures she over reacted.. I'm sure she will let you know.

__________________
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Tall Average Guy

I don't know. There have never been any real red flags. Our sex life has been decent, with a dip when we had kids (ages 11, 8 and 4), but picking up as they got more independent and I started figuring things out.

But certain things have always made her uncomfortable. Her vagina and general cleanliness being one, while anal is completely off the table. When we discuss it, she blames it on her mother teaching her that good girls don't have sex (of course, her mom was pregnant at least nine time, so not sure the actions fit the words). Add to it her not losing the weight from the pregnancies, and I did not think much of some of her relectance, particularly as she has started opening up (and being more adventerous) as we have improved our relationship.

Having said all of this, there was an incident with her dad and a niece. I did not learn about it until years later, and am still not entirely sure what happened, but it was enough to require some counseling for her and the parents never leaving her alone with him. When we found out, I asked my wife if anything like that had happened before. She said no, and even volunteered that he had never touched her in any inappropriate way. While I no reason not to believe her, it does pop into my mind every so often.

So I don't know.

Tall Average Guy

Thanks. My current plan is to reconnect tonight more like we normally do. Then, as noted above, at a later point, try to move things along in one area, rather than in both.

Mistys dad

Ok, I'll buck the trend.

Stop making a big deal about it. A button got pushed, you both had a chance to air it out. So move on.

Things have been rocking.
She is into it.
You are into it.
You are exploring your boundries together.

So you hit the boundry. Congratulations! Now figure out how to rock it better and steer around that issue.

Bringing more attention to the weak spot will only make it a larger issue than it deserves to be. Next time you bump a limit, look at her and in a playful voice say "Not so much, huh?" then move on.

Move forward with confidence and allow her to enjoy your respect of boundries.

__________________
The first question should always be, "If it's that bad, why are you still there?

OK, you screwed up, it happens. Now apologize. But apologize just once. Make it loud, clear, short, to the point, and directly to those you trespassed against. Then move on.

3leafclover

You found an unexpected boundary/limit. It's possible that even she didn't know how much of a limit it was before it was hit. The fact that she usually has a couple of drinks before she can enjoy oral along with her body image issues make me think she has always had these feelings regarding oral sex being performed on her. But being restrained can increase the reaction to this from mild or moderate discomfort to outright anxiety or even panic. I've felt it. The reaction can be very similar to a flashback (feelings of panic and then shutting down or even anger), so it makes sense it set off lamaga's flashback alarms.

I'd recommend backing off from this particular limit for now, but coming back to it at a later time if you want. I strongly suspect this is an issue of trust and deeply-seated body image/self-esteem issues more than it is about being a "good girl". I think it's probably more of a soft limit that can be stretched and eventually overcome with discussion, patience, and practice...and without restraints (at least at first).