Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
i found out today that my fiance has been going to a massage parlor routinely. evidently sometimes more is done than others, depending on the person he sees. evidently he has a regular person there he usually sees. i feel like i am dying. we have a good sex life, or so i thought. please please someone help me understand why he is doing this...he says he loves me, we are supposed to get married this fall. why would someone go to a massage parlor??? we have a good sex life
i found out today that my fiance has been going to a massage parlor routinely. evidently sometimes more is done than others, depending on the person he sees. evidently he has a regular person there he usually sees. i feel like i am dying. we have a good sex life, or so i thought. please please someone help me understand why he is doing this...he says he loves me, we are supposed to get married this fall. why would someone go to a massage parlor??? we have a good sex life
^^^^^ I recognize this situation..... sounds very.... familiar....
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"Feelings get you in relationships quickly, and feelings get you out of relationships quickly. Feelings do not fill in the for the sacrifice and dedication needed to make a relationship work. Feelings get themselves hurt." ~Nsweet~ Ignorance is an equal opportunity employer.~DedicatedDad~
I'm thinking.. if he's doing this... he isn't respecting you very much... and perhaps boundaries need to be set up. If there are boundaries... and he is clearly overstepping them... perhaps getting married isn't the best idea... but that's just my viewpoint.
__________________
"Feelings get you in relationships quickly, and feelings get you out of relationships quickly. Feelings do not fill in the for the sacrifice and dedication needed to make a relationship work. Feelings get themselves hurt." ~Nsweet~ Ignorance is an equal opportunity employer.~DedicatedDad~
__________________
"Feelings get you in relationships quickly, and feelings get you out of relationships quickly. Feelings do not fill in the for the sacrifice and dedication needed to make a relationship work. Feelings get themselves hurt." ~Nsweet~ Ignorance is an equal opportunity employer.~DedicatedDad~
^^Massage parlor or spa?? I'm guessing they aren't the same from what I've read?
No, i am talking about a "happy ending" massage parlor. i am not sure if it is full sex, oral sex, or just a "happy ending massage" but it is definitely a sex thing, not an innocent massage. he has been a cheater before. why is he with me if he wants to do this stuff too? why don't i want to leave him? i feel like i am going crazy
why is he with me if he wants to do this stuff too?
The simple answer: Because he can. You don't see yourself as a total catch...so he doesn't have to either.
"why don't i want to leave him?"
My guess?
Deep-down you have some feelings of inadequacy, or self-disapproval...and his bad behavior reaffirms and validates those feelings...so on some level his behavior is not wrong because it's what you think you deserve....and on some level you want his approval
And this desire for his approval is stronger than your own feelings of disapproval of his actions
{When you were a child did anyone in your family (a parent, a sibling etc) criticize or put you down?}
If this sounds messed up...it's only because as humans, we're a messy, complicated creature
But listen to that small voice inside of you that knows you should be mad about this...that knows it should be unacceptable....that's your self-pride, self-respect talking...we're all born with it...and sometimes other people and life's garbage can bury it...but it can never be snuffed out entirely..
If your adult self could "look-out" for your four-year-old self...is this the guy you would pick for her....if you had your own beloved daughter...is this the guy you would pick for her?
When you image what perfect love would feel like...would it make you feel crazy...or feel like you're dying?
YOU are a prize. YOU are worthy of being treated are someone PRECIOUS and VALUABLE. And if you allow someone to treat as less than this...you are committing a terrible crime against yourself...and that will make you feel like you're dying little by little
It's hard to do. It's starts with forgiving yourself for all your imagined failures or inadequacies...talking to yourself kindly and treating yourself lovingly (that's why imagining how you would treat your own daughter can be helpful----see yourselffrom outside of yourself)
If your own estimation of yourself rises...I have a feeling your estimation of this man with decrease dramatically...he only "feels" like he's up on a pedestal because you've dug yourself into a imagined hole so far below him.
TLDR: Be Brave. Start listening regularly to that buried voice within that whispers "You deserve better than to be treated like this." She's right...and when you fully embrace this you'll find the love you deserve...which very likely will not be this guy.
You need to get to IC asasp. I'm sorry but this is not a good situation. He doesn't need to do anything..he wants to do this. He is just glad he has found someone who will mope and cry over it but never leave him. His definition of fidelity grossly differs from yours. Marry him and you will have no one to blame but yourself for the misery he will put you through.
Deceived,
I feel bad for you. Having to deal with something like this when it should be the most exciting time of your life. It's your decision to make. You are the only one that can do something about it. I think you know what the right decision is. Its not fair, and it hurts to even think about it but you need to decide. Ask yourself, when would this ever be ok with you? Tonight? His bachelor party? Your wedding night? Your 1st anniversary? During the birth of a child? If its going on now, it can happen any of those other times. Is it really worth going through with a marriage? with him? Do you want to wait five, or ten years just to have it happen again? Does he want to change? It sounds like he is a serial cheater. Do you deserve better? Its your decision.
No, i am talking about a "happy ending" massage parlor. i am not sure if it is full sex, oral sex, or just a "happy ending massage" but it is definitely a sex thing, not an innocent massage. he has been a cheater before. why is he with me if he wants to do this stuff too? why don't i want to leave him? i feel like i am going crazy
Most people are programmed emotionally to not easily leave a serious relationship. Our bodies produce hormones that create bonding brain chemistry reactions. This is what keeps couples together at least long enough to raise their young.
You don't want to leave him because your body is producing these bonding chemicals. When humans have sex, that is part of the biproduct of sex. It's also a biproduct of just being around a person we have bonded to.
This is a sitution where you are going to have to let your head rule over your 'heart'. If you stay with this man he will take it as meaning that you agree with him cheating and going to massage parlors. See you feel now.. this is how your life will be from here on out if you stay with him. So if you stay you are chooses this life.
Why does he do this? Because his brain does not work like yours. He he's a user and a manipulator. He's using you to fill some of his needs. And he's using the women in those places to fill others.
Those women are mostly sex slaves.. they are generally women who are being forced to work there. Think of that when you think of him going to those places. That is what he really thinks of women.
We date before marriage to find out what the other person is like. Thank goodness you found this out before you married him. Now it's time to leave.
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fiance is going to massage parlor regularly 
