Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Do you 'want' what someone else 'had' with your partner?
I'm referring to past relationships your partner may have had.
My partner had a relationship with a guy a LONG time ago where they would hook up on weekends and just go at it like rabbits. 2-3x a day on weekends. It only lasted for a few months, but I admit, the thought of spending a weekend in bed and just going at her like the energizer bunny is a turn on for me. Not so much for her.
That said, I think the main reason I want to do that is maybe a sort of 'man pride' thing. The idea that another man got that level of enjoyment from my soon to be wife feels a bit emasculating to me for some reason. It was like 15 years before we even met, so it's not a direct competition thing, but it is still a bit of a competition thing for me personally I guess.
I have another situation she was in that she told me about that was hot (sex on the hood of a car) and we've agreed that is something we can do in the future when the opportunity presents itself. I think I want it not just for the awesome sex, but also because I want to say 'So what if you did that with her, I did too' in my head to the other guy. She has no contact with either guy anymore, so I'd be just bragging to myself, but it feels like I'd be 'marking my turf' so to speak with this.
Is that normal? Do a lot of guys/people feel that way? Is it ok to feel like that? Does anyone else feel that way?
I want to make it clear that I do NOT view my fiancee as a possession, so I'm a bit uncomfortable with labelling these desires as a 'marking my turf' sort of thing, but that's likely the closest feeling to it I can describe.
Re: Do you 'want' what someone else 'had' with your partner?
Huh. I don't really have those kind of feelings (re sex) -- although I can see why you would.
I do very much miss the years that my H had with his ex -- he was so unhappy for so many years, and I didn't know, I was deliberately not contacting him because he was married. (Short story, he was an old boyfriend, we both parted and married other people, I never contacted him again until well after I knew he had divorced.) But yes, I do very much mind the fact that I missed so many years of his life. No help for it...I just try to make the years we have very good.
They'll call you insecure, and I agree. Me too, I'm exact
Y the same way. But my reasoning is maybe different. If she refuses to do something with me that she willingly did with another, that tells me that she isn't as in to me as she was with him.
Re: Do you 'want' what someone else 'had' with your partner?
Quote:
Originally Posted by frankieg
2-3x a day? is that all? that is not what i consider rabbit, more like a good evening. all weekend long is rabbit lol.
anyhow, talking about an ex and sex with them is not a good idea. you may be curious buy really what does it accomplish? someone on here posted something like..the only thing that matters is now, not the past.
all weekend long is what I meant. 2-3x a day on weekends. Sorry for not being completely clear there.
And I am happy with the present, completely. It was just more of a curiousity of mine if anyone else shares the same feelings.
Re: Do you 'want' what someone else 'had' with your partner?
Quote:
Originally Posted by kag123
...and this is why I have never divulged all of the nitty gritty details of my past sex life to my husband! Posted via Mobile Device
Hopefully you did it all with him anyway, even if he doesn't know. A wife should want to do EVERYTHING with her husband, because he deserves it. Vice versa.
I'd be the nightmare ex because I think I've done everything humanly possible between 2 people.
Re: Do you 'want' what someone else 'had' with your partner?
There are a couple things I have done with exes that I have not done with my H, and he doesn't know about it. I haven't had a desire to repeat them because they were pretty much failed experiments or one of those things that sounds better than it feels (sex in the ocean, for example). If he ever brought it up entirely unprovoked I would do it with him to satisfy his curiosity, but it would turn me off if he was clearly asking for it because of some weird competition he feels he has going. I just never felt it was necessary to get into extreme detail with him about my past sex life. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Do you 'want' what someone else 'had' with your partner?
i have the same issues an OP. I just don't think about them anymore. Right now that is very hard since the topic just brought some back. It triggered false flashbacks. I guess it may be selfish or whatever but, it does make me jealous that some random dude did something with my wife that I have not done. I really can't help it. My wife and i have done a lot of firsts. I guess it is more so the idea that someone else has been with my wife. But I am going to stop writing now cause my mind is going places I don't want it to.
__________________ The first question should always be, "If it's that bad, why are you still there?
OK, you screwed up, it happens. Now apologize. But apologize just once. Make it loud, clear, short, to the point, and directly to those you trespassed against. Then move on.
Re: Do you 'want' what someone else 'had' with your partner?
Quote:
Originally Posted by kag123
There are a couple things I have done with exes that I have not done with my H, and he doesn't know about it. I haven't had a desire to repeat them because they were pretty much failed experiments or one of those things that sounds better than it feels (sex in the ocean, for example). If he ever brought it up entirely unprovoked I would do it with him to satisfy his curiosity, but it would turn me off if he was clearly asking for it because of some weird competition he feels he has going. I just never felt it was necessary to get into extreme detail with him about my past sex life. Posted via Mobile Device
Me and my wife enjoyed sex in the ocean and on the beach, maybe you should try again with your husband, someone you love more than anything else in the world. That tends to change the experience.
Re: Do you 'want' what someone else 'had' with your partner?
If it was a failed experiment then I have no need for her to do it with me. Or if she was pressured into doing something she did not enjoy at the time. But I do resent that she happily and frequently did things with several (many?) other men before me and then would not do those with me. As it turns out, it was a big red flag for her psychological issues.
In general I think a spouse should want to do all the fun and wild things he/she did with previous partners. If she enjoyed doing something with a boyfriend, there is something wrong if she doesn't want to do it with her husband.
Re: Do you 'want' what someone else 'had' with your partner?
Very dangerous questions with answers that can change what you have in a relationship. I can relate to this. My wife before we had met had been a relationship where she had given a BJ in car, had sex in a car, and oral sex returned with a previous partner but not between us, not even on our honeymoon.
I did try oral with her and she doesn't enjoy it anymore. She said she was interested in it the first time but that was it. I never got to see enjoyment in her like someone else did or know if there even was any. There were several firsts for me in the relationship but nearly none for her. Yes, I had been with someone else but the sex life was terrible and my ex had never wanted to explore. I didn't leave because of that, it was because she did not want kids and I did.
You just have to put your mind somewhere else. What bothers you about it is guys like excitement now and again and this is what she gave those others guys. The part that's hard to deal with is when you felt you needed it most she wasn't there for you.
Once you know these things you can't forget them and they eat at you. The only way you can reverse it is to change your perception. Don't think of these as things she will not do with you, think of them as things she does not have the pleasure of enjoying with you. You can either choose to change how you think about it or block it all together. There is no in between.
There are thousands of posts out there like this. You have to wonder why young woman who explored put this onto their husbands. What are you gaining by telling the guy you committed your life to that it doesn't matter, yet, at one time it did for you. Even if she chooses to never do whatever it may be it does matter if guys are posting looking for answers from strangers. If you see it as possessive or as if it makes you feel like an object, OK, say that, but don't say it doesn't matter. I think that is the biggest mistake, just be honest about it.
We won't know the answer to that as the husbands. You just have to let it go. There isn't anything else to do and you can't undo what she has done and what she won't do with you. Let it go.
Re: Do you 'want' what someone else 'had' with your partner?
It also could be that she's afraid to re-explore that freaky side of her with you for fear that you are going to judge her harshly. If that is the case, then reassure her that while you would be thrilled to do those things with her, that her happiness means more to you than anything else. Hopefully she'll feel safe and reassured of your love for her to one day blow your socks off.
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Do you 'want' what someone else 'had' with your partner? 
