momtwo4

SO...I feel that I've made some progress in the past couple of weeks. I don't really feel ambiguous about DHs vasectomy anymore. Instead, I am just glad we are DONE with having babies, and we can fully focus on the beautiful family that we have. I also know what feels good to me and the more sensitive parts of my body. However, I still haven't orgasmed. I was doing some reading/research the other day, and I read that up 1/3 of women haven't ever had an orgasm. I'm not sure if I believe that or not. Judging by these forums at least, I am in the distinct minority.

I've also come to the conclusion that my husband also has a fairly LD (compared with a lot of men on these boards at least). He's satisfied with sex 2-3 times a week. Unfortunately, my physical drive for sex is very, very low. I really only feel a physical urge to have sex when I'm ovulating. I'm taking a low dose of Zoloft (an antidepressant) and that is probably impacting my drive some. I'm also still breastfeeding my 15 month-old (please don't turn this into a debate on extended breastfeeding. I don't plan to breastfeed until he's 5).

Ironically, I'm the more sexually adventurous of the two. I like wearing lingerie and trying new things (up to an extent at least). I've suggested trying oral in the past, but he is not interested. I brought it up again a few days ago. He was like "I would probably like to receive it, but I don't think I could give it." And that's pretty much fine with me. I don't have a huge urge to try oral. I certainly don't want to pressure him to do something that he feels is gross. I wouldn't enjoy it then anyway.

Anyway, even though I can get aroused, I don't really get past a certain point of arousal when it comes to sex. Honestly, there are times when I don't get a lot of physical pleasure from it at all. I try to show him what feels good, and he tries, but it gets to the point where it's really not doing anything for me. The one time where I was (when I was ovulating) super into it, he orgasmed. Then it was pretty much over. I did feel a little deflated after that.

So most of the time I have sex with my husband for other reasons than my own physical pleasure. Basically, I do it because I love him and it makes him feel so happy. I do think it is abusive to deprive a partner of sex. This is what our sex-life consists of right now. I guess I'm wondering if you can still have a healthy sex-life if one partner is, basically, anorgasmic.

MrsOldNews

TMI warning:
Look up positions online that stimulate your clit while having sex. Even if it makes you blush I promise it will be worth it. My favorite position is me on top almost chest to chest going back and forth as opposed to up and down. You need to make sure you have you clit covered with spit or actual lube for the best friction. If you look up how to do this position correctly you won't be disappointed. And good foreplay helps sooooo much in working you up to the big O. FYI this is the only position I can orgasm in during vaginal sex.

I know quite a few women who find this position to be one of the most pleasurable during sex. if you want more pressure on your clit during this position have him grab your butt with both hands and help to press you down on him harder while you do your thing. Whatever you do don't give up! Once you get that first O I'm sure sex will be much more enjoyable and frequent for you

Edit: I could have been even more detailed and spoke of little modifications to this position that can make it even more fun too but I'm guessing I may have already hone to far in my description. Lol

FrenchFry

Hi momtwo4!

This topic is a little near and dear to me! I hope you don't mind if I ask some intrusive questions.

Anorgasmia is way more common in women than I think we even let on. I think, like you, a lot of us derive a good deal of our sexual satisfaction from pleasing our partner and we kind of set aside our own sexual satisfaction for as long as our partner is happy and things are good otherwise. I think admitted or not it's one of those contibuting factors in some sexless relationships...the other happiness goes away and it becomes way more of a chore to have sex for H's happiness. So, an answer to your last question in my opinion is yes, but when is the tipping point going to happen after sex is already a chore and your husband builds other not easily dissolved problems?
Also, you deserve to have physical pleasure out of sex too, it's not a solo activity.

You are right, the antidepressants and breastfeeding might be impacting your drive but if you are still able to be aroused by your own internal sources and externally, I think you have a leg up on other forms of anorgasmia.

You are not alone and it's way more common than we think. .

1. Are you able to orgasm by yourself? If you are, that's one of the bigger hurdles to get over. If you aren't, have you tried? Bought toys, spent a night alone 'finding yourself?'

2. Do you feel like during sex with your husband there is a mental or physical block preventing orgasm? Do you have a million other things on your mind during sex? Are you worried about how you look/feel/taste/smell? Do certain positions feel better than others? Do you feel like you are building pressure during sex, or it is mainly a flat "overall aroused" feeling? Are you getting enough clitoral stimulation is one way or another (hands, toys)


3. Does your husband know you aren't orgasming? If he does not know, you should tell him. If you have no idea, you should ask him. He might have no idea if you are or aren't either. If he thinks you are and stops at his climax because he thinks you've reached yours as well, there is something to talk about there! Also: Have you ever orgasmed with your husband?

4. Why is your husband not down with oral? I understand if it's a hard limit, but if it's a soft one there are multiple ways to ease him into it. I ask because oral sex is one of those if done in the way you love, really really REALLY helpful to reaching orgasm.


So, after all of these questions, one of the main things that helped me immensely is to not be afraid to be really direct about what feels good and doesn't, at least for a little while. Like a serious refrain coming out of your mouth like "yeah, rub my nipples, a little harder, no slow down, use longer strokes, that feels so much better, rub my clit, use some spit first, ok now **** me really hard " *to be a little graphic* and feel free to dress it up in words your husband likes but he has to know where you are in your journey to help you get there as well.

Also, don't skimp on foreplay all the time. Quickies are fun and energetic, but if quickies are all you are getting AND not orgasming at all with your husband, it quickly becomes a yuck-fest. Massages, sensual erotic genital massages for both of you. Flattering lighting, not tv lights or bright ass overhead lights or total darkness. Make out with your husband, heavy petting. Stay like 20 minutes in 2nd base sometimes. Continue being adventerous, he just might need a little help getting there as well.

momtwo4

Thanks so much for your replies! I really appreciate the input. This is such an awkward thing, and it's not like I have been able to talk about my climaxing issues with other people.

I don't mind the intrusive questions. No, unfortunately I haven't ever orgasmed with my husband. I felt like I was getting closer by myself, but I haven't even been able to masturbate to orgasm yet. I've thought about buying a vibrator, but I'd rather "get there" without it if I can. I can just see it now: "uhhh...honey. That's not quite doing it for me. Can we just stop a minute so I can grab the vibrator? " LOL I don't know though. Maybe using a vibrator for now would be a "stepping stone" to regular orgasms.

My husband does know that I'm not orgasming. I used to fake it, but I'm tired of that. I think it bothers him some that I don't orgasm, but apparently not enough for him to climax quite quickly most of the time.

I don't really feel that I have too much on my mind during sex. What usually happens is something feels pretty good and then, as you stated, the feeling goes "flat." After that, my mind sometimes does start to wander and I start feeling like "Let me just help him climax, cuz it's not gonna happen for me."

I'm not sure how strongly he really feels about oral. It might be a soft limit to him. He's just not very adventurous in bed. He climaxes quickly, and it's not unusual for sex (including foreplay) to be a 10 minute experience. Thanks again for your comments. I'm going to keep trying.

Enchantment

Hi momtwo4 ~

Yah ... if only it was as easy for me to orgasm as it is for my H.

Many women have problems with orgasming, particularly in partnered sex. I think the stats are that women are generally most successful with only themselves, are more successful if they have a female partner, and are least successful at O'ing if they have a male partner.

I think the key is to do some exploration on your own first, especially if your H is on the more reserved side. Check out something like the following book to give you some ideas:

Amazon.com: The Elusive Orgasm: A Woman's Guide to Why She Can't and How She Can Orgasm (9781600940231): Vivienne Cass Ph.D. Ph.D.: Books

Don't give up! If you have absolutely no success on your own or with your partner, then make an appointment with your ob-gyn. It could be that your meds or your hormonal profile are also contributing to the situation as well.

Know that you are not alone ... I think that studies have shown that up to 10% of women (that's 1 out of every 10!!) have never had an O. While that may not be comforting to know, it should let you know that you are not alone in your struggle.

Anorgasmia - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Best wishes!

__________________

Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

Phenix70

If you haven't had an orgasm by yourself, how do you expect to have one with another person?
You know your own body better than anyone else, time to get to know yourself better.
Take ownership of your orgasm & sexuality, go in the bathroom, lock the door, take a bath & have at it.
Don't get frustrated if things don't happen right away, you may need to experiment with different stimulation & pressure.
Hands can be just as good as a vibrator & there is nothing wrong with using toys with your husband, he might even like you to use one on him.
You won't know unless you ask.

DawnD

If trying by yourself in the bath isn't working, simply try turning on the music, sitting in bed, get you some nice warming KY and see if you can relax enough to get yourself there :-)

I have a feeling once you start reaching that O, your libido will shoot through the roof.

FrenchFry

Yay! Keep trying, the practice is pretty fun.

Ok, so I'm totally going to recommend First Time Orgasm | Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross
and in fact recommend reading a LOT of her material, she knows a LOT about female orgasms.

Don't be afraid of the vibrator and don't be afraid of busting it out during sex. Totally try getting yourself there manually in lots of different ways but you aren't a failure if you need some assistance from a BOB. They were designed for pure pleasure without all the physical baggage humans carry and they are good. You can try something mellow like a fingertip massager or go full hog on the Hitatchi wand. Experiment! It's your body, do what you want with it!

YES. You shouldn't be afraid to say this exact thing to your husband if it's what works for you. Seriously!

It's a such a cruel joke of nature for men to orgasm easily and without a bunch of hoopla, but unlike women they don't get the easily (once learned) experience of multiple orgasms without all the hard work we have to do just to get one going.

Here is something I learned that is still hard for me to apply but make total sense. Male Orgasm isn't the punctuation mark to a sexual encounter. Your husband comes in 10 minutes and you aren't even close yet. Don't stop! He still has hands, a tongue, other body parts and (possibly!) toys. Don't allow him to slack off in attaining mutual sexual pleasure. Assure him he isn't inadequate but that men and women are built differently.

I'm a big fan of the quickie now after becoming a mom, I totally get it. But the quickie just isn't the end all to sex and quickies are McDonalds sex. Get the job done but not always satisfying and sometimes leaves you feeling really gross. I use quickies as maintenence sex during the week, but come the weekend kid goes to bed, the lights go down and the magic begins. 10 minutes is nothing. Make out and dry hump for 20 minutes to build tension without even thinking about penetration. Trade slow massages from head to toe. Do some stop-start manual stimulation. Try playing a game where you touch and stroke each others genitals with different movements in different places and say what feels best. SO MUCH of sexual pleasure with women is that ebb and flow of tension. If it feels rushed or all one pace or all one directional, sometimes that's just not how we work. STOP BEING SUBTLE. Men who don't get it do not have the luxury of having how a woman works explained to them subtlely.

Your husband can of course work on lasting longer but it's actually not really that nessecary if you two together can work on how to build and ease tension sexually, and it does require a little bit of being adventerous but all in your direction and if he's not there yet to step it up you are going to have to take his hand (maybe literally) and pull him through.

Like I said, this is a subject near and dear to my heart, sorry if I ramble. I'm passionate about it because I had so many mediocre sexual experiences even though I was being wild and sexy but I wasn't having sex like how I needed to get to the point. PLUS I had a whole bunch of stubborn idiot men try and tell me how I should be orgasming, that I was broken or fridgid or stopped giving a crap about my sexual pleasure because it takes me just a bit longer and a bit more than in out penetration to get me to climax. I swear I married my husband because he's the first man who ever said to me in so many words "Show me exactly how you work" instead of assuming they are super penis stud.

But a big part of that was me releasing all of the societal baggage and porn expectations and "the right way to orgasm (penetration ending in his climax)" and falling in love with my own body. Happy trails!

momtwo4

Thanks so much for the specific suggestions. FrenchFry--you weren't rambling. I enjoyed reading the post, and I have to say I admire your perseverance and how you haven't settled for mediocre sex. I love how you refer to quickies as "McDonalds Sex!" LOL That is for sure.

I stand by my belief that depriving your partner of sex is cruel. However, I have to be honest that sometimes I just feel like I'm a tool to help my H orgasm. And that is not a fun feeling. I'm definitely not blaming my husband. This is really my fault for not taking more interest in developing my own sexuality. I think I need to help H realize that sex is not necessarily over just because he's had HIS orgasm. That's pretty much been it. He tries a little, then off and away toward his climax. It's like he has no energy to even try afterwards. As a mom, I don't mind "quickies," but it would be nice to have a longer session maybe once a week.

I'm going to try on my own a little longer, and if I get nowhere, I will buy the vibrator. I'm also going to look into those books. "First Time Orgasm"--sounds about right. "The Elusive Orgasm"--that would describe my predicament. Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

FrenchFry

Of course!

I too think it sucks to deprive your monogamous partner of sex. I wrote on here a little while ago how my husband was being a total stubborn pill sexually for a minute and even in all that time where I was just totally frustrated I didn't stop having sex even though I was sorely tempted. Definitely have lots of sex talks with your husband. All of us get conditioned that way and it takes active conciousness to break us of it. Usually if my husband tries to pull the "i'm tired" on me, I'll sit on his face till he gets the point.

Once a week is perfect, like a Sunday dinner long and sumptuous and delicious enough to have the memories tide you over till next week. To continue the food analogies.

Runs like Dog

When I read here that 30% of women can't orgasm and some percentage of women lose their libido almost completely and half a dozen other things, I tend to think that maybe 'the feminine mystique' is all bullsh^t and in reality there's only a tiny percentage of women who have anything like a physiological response that parallels what men are capable of understanding. Maybe anorgasmic is normal. After all women are one of the few mammals who don't have an estrus cycle which is an evolutionary adaptation to populations under constant pressure and female orgasm doesn't provide much if any evolutionary benefit. Maybe you've just convinced yourself of the existence of something that isn't there, like ghosts and such.

__________________
fight back

Accipiter777

UMMMMM... thats EXACTLY what my wife says if it's not handy... I love watching her use it, i participate during, and will use it on her while oral or intercourse...

momtwo4

Well, I can't really click "like" on that can I? Don't worry. I think most women will assure you that I AM indeed in the minority. I do think that there are some women who orgasm way easier than others for whatever reason.

Runs like Dog

I'm not debating that. I'm questioning if most or many women actually mean orgasm when they say or think orgasm. At least in the way that men experience it. I'm sure women having something they call an orgasm. But what it is is subject to debate.

__________________
fight back

momtwo4

I honestly do not know. But whatever it is, it must be more than what I'm feeling. I'm sure an orgasm is different for men and women. For me, I don't usually feel physically excited when I'm having sex. It's just something that I'm doing. I enjoy being close to my husband, but that is pretty much it. I've heard women talk about how men have "rocked their worlds" when having sex. I'm definitely not the one to discuss this with. LOL