in my tree

He sounds so insecure and he is taking it out on you. He obviously has health issues of his own but instead of empathizing he is ridiculing you. I can't see how/why you would WANT to have sex with someone who does that. My advice is to get into counseling - either marriage or personal. This other man is really just a distraction and you need to talk to others (counselor, your parent(s), friends, etc.) for support. Illness takes a LOT out of a person and you need all the positive support that you can get. His "needs" really should be on the back burner (or even in the back yard) right now.

You have to come first right now. Stress and anxiety will make you more ill. Maybe this is something that you can bring up with him. That you want to get better and that the pressue and anxiety from this constant pressure to have sex is interfering with that goal. He may not like that but it is the truth. Sometimes we have to look out for ourselves first, especially if the other person won't do it for us.

Btw - I couldn't agree with daffodilly's post anymore than I do. She is spot on.

Enchantment

Hi floxie ~

Sorry you have had so much strife at so early an age.

I think you should have a very earnest talk with your husband and let him know that the state of the marriage is in serious jeopardy. Some of the items of discussion need to be his depression and his unwillingness to seek treatment for it, his non-commitment to you during your illness, and your EA (yes, I think that it is an EA because your ex is providing the emotional support for you that your husband did not.)

If you resolve to try for the marriage one more time, then make some stipulations and timeframes ... such as husband seeking treatment for his depression, you stopping contact with your ex, etc. Look for ways that you could become more independent - seek a support group that has people in a similar physical situation or marital situation to help give you the additional emotional support that you need. Learn a trade, think of ways that you can foster your independence, even with the physical issues that you have.

Don't stay in a situation simply because you are afraid or feel that you have no choice. You always have a choice, and once you empower yourself and overcome your fears, the world is literally your oyster.

Best wishes!

__________________

Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

floxie

We are also of different races, he's white, I'm black. I'm not sure if that makes a difference as it has never been an issue in our relationship before. I'm just going around in circles trying to figure out why. I would never treat him the way he treated me, whenever he's going through depressiom I am there to talk to, and don't make him feel bad about his health/job issues.

In my tree you are absolutely right. The stress of feeling like I have to live up to expectations that I am unable to anymore makes me physically ill. Stress will put me in bed for days and triggers my neuorpathy pain and ibs. That's another reason I want to avoid divorce. I don't know what it will do to me healthwise. I want to move back in with my mother but a family member with kids is already living there with her.

This is such a difficult situation for me, I so badly want to put everything behind me. Get my health back amd the love/care of my husband
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anchorwatch

Non issue.

__________________
"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

in my tree

I don't know if being of different races has anything to do with it. There are jerks in every race (Sorry - I am seeing your hubby as being something of a jerk right now).

Hm... if you can't move in with your mom, is there somewhere else that you would feel comfortable going for a while? If not, can you tell him what I mentioned before - that his behavior is stressing you out, that you are feeling worse and if he woulld back off that you may heal better? Or would he care?

Illness wipes out your energy and you need that to heal. Get support and someplace where you have time and a relaxing place to heal so that you can think things through. If you can't move, then he NEEDS to back off and maybe get into some counseling with you. My thoughts are with you!!

Shaggy

Wait, backup a minute.

You and he both cheated on each other repeatedly.

You are now in contact with an EX who's giving you emotional support etc.

Want to be hubby now believes you are cheating again?

floxie

I could understand if he thought I was cheating now, I am going out with another guy alone. And I have a history, I accpet that. And if didn't start treating me like crap until I started hanging with/ talking to my ex then I would own my part in that. But I am not cheating and I don't want to have sex with anyone but my husband. I probably do also go out with the ex to upset my husband a little. I'm bitter, I know that. I feel like I want him to know that he is not my only option even if I am sick. I was stuck in the house alone for months as he berated, teased and tore me down so I am not very understanding at this point. And now that I'm feeling a littlebetter he just wants me to smile and act like everythings alright? I'm not ok with that. It just seems like its his ego that's hurt right now, he doesn't want to care for me or have to deal with my illness but he also doesn't want anyone else to.
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Maricha75

Actually, floxie, you are. You are emotionally cheating on your husband. I get that your husband wasn't there for you. I get that you are pissed off about it. But the fact still remains that you have stated that HE is the only one you want to have sex with. The problem, tho, is that you have emotionally distanced yourself from him, further than he did when he was tearing you down while you have been sick. The ONLY way to get that emotional distance bridged is by getting rid of the ex and actually reconnecting with your husband. Again, this is only if you actually want to work things out with your husband. Get. Rid. Of. The. EX!

__________________
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that_girl

Some people are so scared when their loved ones are sick, that they become total jerks.

I have seen this many times.

__________________

FirstYearDown

Race means nothing. My husband is also white and he treats me better than any black man ever did, despite the fact that I am a black woman.

It seems like you don't understand what an EA is. Cheating is not just about physical contact. If you are hanging out with your ex as a way to be spiteful, you are lowering yourself to the level of your husband. Two wrongs don't make a right.

You don't really want to stay with your husband. You just want to get him back for being such a jerk. I understand that feeling, but you need to be honest with yourself about what your motivations are.

floxie

Maricha, I am not trying to be diffcult really but I can not agree that I am emotionally distancing myself mre than husband did. He would tease and demean me as I attempted to do anything because I could no longer do it "right". Couldn't clean right, have sex right, walk right, look right. It was a constant battle and I was always happiest when he'd leave for work. I'm not sure if you're a woman or not? But when your husband is supposed to be your provider and protector and instead he tears you down when you're most vunerable, it does something to a woman. Changes the way we see our man. And I don't know if we can ever see him as our hero again. From reading this site, "manning up" seems to be a prety constant theme. And I wonder if a lot of these relationships would fair better if would man down instead and jut be there for his wife instead of spending all of his time attempting to exert his masculinity. Ugh, I'm rambling now, sorry

There probably is a part of me that hangs with my ex out of spite. But the main reason is that he listens to me. Doesn't make me feel bad that I can't do this or that. Doesn't coment on the fact tha my hair is clearly falling out. I don't feel pressured to put on makeup or be beautiful when we go out. He doesn't tell me to be more proactive or give me all these solutuions that a woul be impossible to implement. And when he sees me struggling to walk, he doesn't walk ahead or walk quickly or tease me, he just helps me. Like a normal person.
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floxie

Honestly I'm feeling very "triggered" right now. I don't think I want this marriage. The sex is bad, the husband is worse and I'm too sick to try and convince him that I am worthy of concern and care from a man I've been with for 5 years! I think the only reason he doesn't want to divorce is because of his social anxiety issues. But I am nobody's plan b or punching bag. I don't know. But I do know that if I never have to see his d*ck again, it'll be too soon as far as I'm concerned
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Shaggy

Wow! Your words, your rationalizations, and even your denials are 100% straight out of the cheaters handbook.

do you realize this?

You need to understand how many relationships get killed because a SO reconnects with an EX, and then proceeds to be "just friends" with all good intentions. Then over time - they suddenly discover everything wrong with their current spouse, and just how wonderful and caring their EX is suddenly.

Please please pull you head out of the fog and realize that this EX IS very much twisting and influencing your views on your husband. He has become your emotional go-to guy, and he has become the one you are putting your effort into.

Yes, it sounds like your husband did hurtful and wrong things - he made mistakes in the way he's been a husband to you.

And now you've paid him back by bringing an EX into the relationship, and letting that EX worm his way in between your husband and you.

The mere fact that you are comparing the EX to your husband shows that this EX isn't just a friend - he is someone you are emotionally replacing your husband with.

Lady - That's called an EA.

Now you're building up a head of steam of justify why your husband should be divorced from you.

Please realize what really is going on in this relationship of 3 people. Realize you are each step of the way, pushing out your husband, and moving toward being in a PA.

Even in this thread - you've gone from I love my husband, but not sexually attracted to him - to "I'm gonna divorce him, he's not giving me all that need, not like my wonderful EX who's there everyday to be so loving and kind"

You are already cheating emotionally with the EX.

And it's about to get you to pull the trigger and end your marriage.

Then just one more rationalization away and you'll be acting on those Sex feelings you will find yourself having for EX.

I know you've got a history of being a cheater before marriage, so you obviously have very bad boundaries - this is likely helped you get this far into the EA without ending it.

Or are you being honest with us here - has the relationship with the EX already gone PA? At least kissing etc?

floxie

Shaggy, I understand that, yes, I'm sure I've said it all before when I as actively (physically) cheating on my husband before I married him. I'll even submit that I am indeed having an emotional affair with my ex. It has not gone phyiscal however. And yes, i'd tell if it had, I don't think i'd get a spanking for sharing that lol. At this moment, I am not very remorseful about having this emotinal replacement that I've done. I hope that doesn't make me sound like a b*tch, but its true. I am very bitter, very resentful and honestly just angry, maybe that leaves little room for remorse? I don't know.

Like I said in my first post, I am not sure if I have a marriage. Just a really crappy husband and an awful sex life. I really do not know if I want this marriage and have brought up divorce with him many times over the past year and a half, but that line of thinking came as my husband had to be escorted out of my hospital room by a nurse, not after I began talking with my ex. It is possible that I am in a fog of sorts, that I am seeing me ex as saint even though he is not. But I don't think my husband is the devil in disguise, I have said many times here that I think he is bascially a good person, that it may be his depression that prevented him from comforting me, or maybe it was him exerting his masculinity over a person who he saw as weak. I don't know. I'm no mind reader. But I do know that I want to move past the resentment I have for my husband, for me. Because it makes me sick and its not worth that. I also desire to have enjoyable sex, which I havent had in well over a year and I want that. Sex and orgasms are my favorite stress relievers. And I have a lot of stress lol
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Shaggy

Floxie there are reasons why the ex is the ex and the husband is the husband.

You've just forgotten them and are trying to justify the EA you're in.