Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
When we have sex, my wife is usually the more dominant one. Maybe 60%/40%. Things have improved quite a bit over the past 3 months or so - we had a major talk about things and an improved sex life has been one of the results. She still likes to be more in control, though, with regard to positions, etc.
Anyway, we're lying in bed this morning and I tell her that lately I'm having fantasies about tying her up during sex. To my amazement, she says that she thought about that lately, also. I say amazement, because she's always been a bit prudish, e.g., we didn't do oral until we were about ten years married.
Anyway, I want to strike while the iron is hot, so to speak. I don't want to screw it up and turn her off doing it again but I don't even know where to begin. What should I use? Ropes? Neck ties? Hand cuffs? What should I do to her? Should I tie her hands and legs to the bed posts? Should I tie her hands over head while she's standing up? Or tie her hands behind her back? What should I do to her? What should I say to her? Should I blindfold her? Obviously I don't know how far she'll let me go. Should I suggest that she ties me up afterwards or at a later date?
I feel a bit silly asking these questions but I want to get it right. We're both early 50's. All advice gratefully accepted.
I agree make sure you provide her a way to pull loose if she feels the need to. I would love to do that with mine but she is claustrophobic. She would do it to please me bless her heart. But I couldnt do it if she wasnt into it.
Also come up with a safe word that she can use to let you know you are going beyond her comfort zone.
I like Mistys dad's ideas. I would definitely hold off on the blindfold until she's experienced light bondage by itself at least once (unless she specifically requests it of course). You said she likes to be more in control most times, and loss of full movement and sensory deprivation might be too overwhelming at first.
We started with my husband holding my hands above my head, shackling my wrists with his. Then we moved to a soft silk scarf (actually we use the same silly pink one that came out of my lingerie drawer 20 years ago), lightly tied at the wrists. We do not tie legs and we don't shackle to the headboard and we had a very bad experience for me with a blindfold. But, those are some of the areas that you can expand to as you become familiar with it and see if you actually like it.
Always employ the use of a safe word, even with a light restraint. Spooking someone out of their mind is never a good thing if it means they will not ever be receptive to the idea again. If there's panic or anxiety, if the safe word is spoken, immediately remove the restraint.
I think the key is to start out slow and gradually work your way up. We are pretty mild when it comes to restraints, but some people are not. If she's had a history of being more 'prudish', then definitely go the slower route and add things as you go along. You don't have to do it everytime, just have it as part of your 'mix' that you rotate through when you are in the mood for it.
And ... see if she wants to restrain you. I don't know why ... but this is much more appealing to me and I like having my H's hands tied and have the freedom to touch him exclusively without him being able to do the same.
We have also experimented with both of us having our hands lightly restrained at the same time ... it can be quite an athletic feat and some good fun and laughter to try and achieve some level of intimacy when it's 'no hands' for both.
Old neckties work great because they are soft. I think a blindfold heightens the experience too. I like to tease her with my tongue and c0ck getting her close but not letting her orgasm until she can't stand it anymore.
The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. 1 Corinthians 7:2 (The Message)