Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I have about zero interest in sex and don't enjoy it when we do do it, which is about once a month or every other month when he gets really whiny and insistent. It's just a chore, and one that I despise. I go to great lengths to avoid it, including picking fights, and when that fails I just say no. I've been this way for about 8 years (16 year marriage), since I had to have a hysterectomy due to cancer (they got it all, I'm fine). I don't have orgasms, it hurts, and I resent being pressured to do it. It all adds up to a joyless experience. I've tried every lube in existence, they don't work for me. And I do NOT do oral, never have. I don't like receiving it either, fwiw.
However, I do love my husband and I do feel bad about this. It isn't my fault that I had to have my ovaries removed and thus have no hormones. There are other problems that predate the hysterectomy, mostly I don't like the things that turn my husband on and never have. Some of them are really a big turn off, but I tolerate it for his sake. But 75% of it is that I just have no interest. I don't look at other men, don't think about sex other than ways to avoid it, and don't masturbate. The other 25% of it is that I am the breadwinner and he stays home with the kids. I work 12 hour days 5 days a week, take call on weekends and am always writing several journal articles related to my profession. I'm exhausted.
We also keep very opposite hours. I am up late, very late, every night. He is in bed and asleep at 8:30-9pm the latest. I usually go to bed about 1am (because when I get home form the office about 7pm I hang with the kids (we have 4) and then I have to work on my research obligations. He gets up at 4am to meditate and exercise. I get up at 6 and am rushing out the door at 7. We have no time for any intimacy that isn't sex, kwim?
He has volunteer weekend obligations every weekend that by their very nature exclude me. We have no friends in common (in fact, I don't have a social life at all, I just work, he's got a lot of friends) and no real interests in common.
PLUS- and this is new, my income has been hurt by changes in the industry and while our expenses stayed the same. Income has gone down by about 1/3 over the past few years. It has come to the point that we either need to drastically change our standard of living, or he needs to go to work. He is unwilling to do either, and actually suggested to me that I pick up some moonlighting opportunities on the weekends. His reasoning is that my earning potential is so much greater than his, and I can earn more in one weekend than he can in a month.
I see the logic, but I am already not enjoying the fruits of my own labor b/c basically I'm working a 20 hour day to pay for it, while he and the kids enjoy it, and now he wants me to work weekends to maintain it for them. It was about a week ago he made that suggestion.
It has been over a month now since we have had sex, and he is getting very irritable about it. Let's just say the suggestion that I increase my work hours from 60 to 75+ weekly, while he stays home and watches TV most of the time (housekeeper does all the "wife" jobs because H would never do them) does not put me in the mood for my "monthly obligation."
We've been to counseling in the past, it didn't help. At this point I don't know what to do. It seems like a shame to get divorced from someone I really care about just over this, but for the first time in 16 years I'm feeling like I'd rather just have the monkey off my back. It's really breaking my heart.
Hormones are an awful thing to lose. Do you do replacement therapy? If not, why not?
His sexual needs are/were very real and it was your honor to see that they were met. Knowing you had a hysterectomy and the health scares is one thing. That's scary crap. I've had one ovary removed and hopefully I don't need the other one taken out any time soon or at all.
Why does sex hurt? What turns him on that you don't like? Why no oral?
Men and women don't get married to be celibate. Sexual needs should be met in a marriage. While I understand your health situation, I also see his side.
Did you do ANYTHING to help your libido? Or did you just let it slide, thinking he'd "be ok" and could "take care of himself"? I find that selfish.
OF COURSE he's getting irritated about lack of sex. Eesh...do you not know that people LIKE sex? He wants sex with his wife...which is a good thing.
I don't buy the "i was too busy" crap. Marriage and sex should be 1st priority. Sorry...don't buy those excuses. If you work too hard and too much and don't have time for your marriage, then your husband saw that you were choosing your life over your live together. You have to MAKE intimacy a priority.
If you don't nurture your relationship, it will die...and it seems like it did.
I don't know what to tell you on how to bring him back around....besides getting your hormones checked and regulated AND making time for the two of you DAILY.
No, I don't take HRT because it is unsafe. It is no longer recommended as risks far outweigh the benefits, especially in someone predisposed to any hormonally driven cancer, as I am. I did try bioidentical hormones for a while and they didn’t do a thing. Also tried DHEA, which was equally worthless.
Sex hurts because I have atrophic vaginitis secondary to surgical onset menopause. We have tried every lube on the market, nothing makes it tolerable.
I do think that discussing my husband’s sexual proclivities would be disrespectful, so I will refrain there. Suffice it to say, while not immoral or illegal, they run to the atypical.
No oral because, in all honestly, I think it is revolting. I am simply not putting that in my mouth. That is not at all new, he was aware from the beginning that that would never be a part of our relationship.
Yes, I know most people enjoy sex. I did, too, at one time. I wish things were different, but they are what they are. I’ve been trying to make the best of it and do it once in a while for him, because I do love him. Unfortunately, it is really hard for me to even fake it anymore; he just gets upset when it is clear I’m not interested and performing out of a sense of obligation only. He wants me to want him. Well I don’t, and I can’t really help that. ☹ I don’t want anyone. It isn’t personal.
And you may be right about the rest. I guess we might just both have to accept that there is nowhere to go from here. Thanks for your feedback