Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Sometimes, though, dropping hints is just as bad. In my marriage, I absolutely hate it when she drops hints. If she's going to say anything, she should come right out and say it. "Oh, the dishes need to be done, and I have to clean up the dog's mess," etc. Just freaking ask me nicely if I'll help out, because I WILL. So, round about, hints are aggravating.
I agree that dropping hints can be just as bad as saying it. However, I usually hint by not answering when she makes a comment or asks a question. For example, if she comments "You just want me to lose weight, so you'll desire me more", I'll stay quiet many times OR say "That's part of the reason". I don't like to hurt her feelings and/or cause an argument, because she can be very sensitive...so sometimes I find it best not to answer some of her specific questions/comments. I'm not talking about the silent treatment.
i am wondering if you as a person are having personal difficulties within yourself (e.g. stress, low self-esteem, depression, moodiness, feelings of being overwhelmed). i'm sure being a businessman can be very much overwhelming so that when you come home and things may not be as perfect as some may like that the little things are picked on.
when i am under stress, i dont feel like making love or anything with my fiance. i flat out express that " i am under stress and am not relaxed. i'm sorry but i cant get into the mood." so instead, he'll give me a nice footrub, which is my favorite since my feet area always cold even though i always wear thick socks, watch a movie that he picked out and then have an intellectual discussion/debate about our thoughts on the movie, just take care of things for me once in a while, so that i am able to mesh out.
maybe what is also troublesome to you is that she is a stay at home mom. you may feel that since you are the breadwinner, why couldnt she be this way or that? why isnt my home the way it should be when i work so hard to build this life? and then feelings are lost because the image of your wife in your mind is disdained. it doesnt matter whether or not she put on or lost pounds. the desire to make love to your wife is troubled because of the image that may have been created about and of her.
your wife sounds as though she is trying very hard. she loves you or else she wouldnt even try to change for you so that you will be happy.
Many gyms have family combos that cost you less to include the whole family. My family had one at the local YMCA for some time. If you get a family pack for "yourself" it will include her too so you can get it for her without giving it to her.
i am wondering if you as a person are having personal difficulties within yourself (e.g. stress, low self-esteem, depression, moodiness, feelings of being overwhelmed). i'm sure being a businessman can be very much overwhelming so that when you come home and things may not be as perfect as some may like that the little things are picked on.
when i am under stress, i dont feel like making love or anything with my fiance. i flat out express that " i am under stress and am not relaxed. i'm sorry but i cant get into the mood." so instead, he'll give me a nice footrub, which is my favorite since my feet area always cold even though i always wear thick socks, watch a movie that he picked out and then have an intellectual discussion/debate about our thoughts on the movie, just take care of things for me once in a while, so that i am able to mesh out.
maybe what is also troublesome to you is that she is a stay at home mom. you may feel that since you are the breadwinner, why couldnt she be this way or that? why isnt my home the way it should be when i work so hard to build this life? and then feelings are lost because the image of your wife in your mind is disdained. it doesnt matter whether or not she put on or lost pounds. the desire to make love to your wife is troubled because of the image that may have been created about and of her.
your wife sounds as though she is trying very hard. she loves you or else she wouldnt even try to change for you so that you will be happy.
You are correct, I am and have been having a difficult time within myself. Just a little background on our marriage/relationship: I didn't want to marry her, but I did for two primary reasons; 1) I had low self esteem at the time and didn't think I could/would get anyone else. 2) I wanted/felt the need to rescue her from her lousy past abusive homelife.
Flash forward 20 years and I still am not happy with our relationship overall. She is losing weight for herself, NOT for me. She does love me very much, however, I'm not necessariy in love with her.
We have/had a complicated marriage that has been on the divorce many times and been through much counseling.
For the most part, at times, I'd just as soon get out and move on, because of the situation and the differences we're having. The underlying problems and way she acts at times are a major turnoff, whereby, I have a difficult time wanting to make love to her.
I would suggest to you that it is high time you save yourself then look at your life. Sometimes when you are more at peace with yourself you are happier. Or on the other end you will see things in a clear light.
well I like an attractive woman, My wife is very attractive, but she was at one time starting to put wait on. I said something to her, but I also examined myself.
we both needed to lose weight, so we changed our eating habits and we both work out now, I work out on my own, and I coach her for her workouts.
being overweight is not only an attraction issue, it is also a health issue, and that was my main drive, her health.
I'm sorry but, by your own admission, you didn't love this woman at the time that you married her. Then you spend the bulk of the marriage telling her how if she changes her personality and her body, then you could love her more. You make it her fault that you don't love her.
It's one thing for couples who came together loving each other and then one let him/herselve go and the other wants them to get it together. But you're not only talking about her weight. You don't like WHO SHE IS.
Her self-esteem must be through the gutter and she must be so confused as to what she's done to make you not love her when, in fact, you never did. You married her because of your own confusion.
Leave her. She'll be better off finding a man who doesn't mind her boisterous personality and will find her attractive despite her weight. She's be better off alone. To ask her to change so you could love her, when you didn't to begin with is not fair.
The things you describe about your wife that turn you off reminded me of a book I read 'It's a Guy Thing. An Owner's Manual for Women' by David Deida. It talks about sexual polarity and balance within a relationship.
"For a man in his masculine, nothing is more attractive than a woman in her feminine..."
"Some women are "stuck" in their masculine energy as a defense mechanism, as a result of internal strife, from stress...social expectations, the way their parents raised them, or a traumatic childhood experience."
It also talks of a man's masculine energy which can play a role in the state of a relationship. You might find this an interesting read.
I read one of his books that funnily enough, touched on semen retention, which he is a big fan of. I could not stand his style, but in the end, I have to say I learnt a lot from him about male and female polarity.
I always thought of myself as quite a beta-male. I since realised, I am actually an alpha in disguise, I was just keeping it under wraps. Such is life's kaleidoscope.
My wife and I have now been separated for 9 1/2 months. The separation occurred 1 year after going through several months of intense counseling to resolve our differences.
We have talked many times to try to resolve our differences and she thinks I should accept her the way she is and love her unconditionally. That won't happen, because of the various issues.
Unless there is a positive change in the relationship, that we both can live with, we'll probably file for a divorce sometime during the 1st qtr of 2009, after we've been separated 12 months. This has been a lonely, painful experience.
My wife does also have a masculinity problem, that probably stems from her very abusive childhood. She's on the defense a lot. It's been another relationship killer for us...
I'm sorry but, by your own admission, you didn't love this woman at the time that you married her. Then you spend the bulk of the marriage telling her how if she changes her personality and her body, then you could love her more. You make it her fault that you don't love her.
It's one thing for couples who came together loving each other and then one let him/herselve go and the other wants them to get it together. But you're not only talking about her weight. You don't like WHO SHE IS.
Her self-esteem must be through the gutter and she must be so confused as to what she's done to make you not love her when, in fact, you never did. You married her because of your own confusion.
Leave her. She'll be better off finding a man who doesn't mind her boisterous personality and will find her attractive despite her weight. She's be better off alone. To ask her to change so you could love her, when you didn't to begin with is not fair.
it pisses me off , too when my H trys to change things about me! Most things are facile ! Like: "You are wearing chucks? I dont go out with you like that! I look so old next to you and you are so small. Why can't you wear high heel?"
I mean I do, too but why should I wear every day high heels when I don't feel like? It our opinion! You guys got to know us like that, so you have to respect that.
However about her character is something else.... But why should she try to change if you don't like her anyways and never did??
If you don't like her weight its time you stepped in find something that works for the both of you eat better food together make her feel like this is a team effort and let her know you care don't be mean about it but be honest. This is what I would do if it were me!
Re: Don't desire having sex with wife 
