Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I'm not real good at describing things but I will try and maybe
someone out there can help. My wife and I have been married for eighteen years. For the majority of those our sex life was very full and satisfying but starting a couple of years ago problems started. She began saying no a lot more often, which is fine I understand that levels of desire can change over years. But then the excuses became more and more,lets just say, thin. And it became obvious that the playful touching and playing around we allways enjoyed now either bored her or completely disinterested her. The final straw was when I discovered that while sending me on errands she would masturbate using a sex toy that no average man could ever match up to. Any advice or maybe even sympathy will be greatly appreciated, I'm so tired of wondering what I've done wrong.
It may not be that you have done something wrong. It may be that she is not having orgasms when you have sex. You may suggest using the toy on her, it may be a nice experience for both of you. You may also ask her what she would like sexually as she alone knows best what you can do to improve your sex life.
Its not about being an errand boy, I dont do those seeking some kind of reward. It was just an example and I have to wonder if youre married to be saying things like that.
I might understand the issue; As my husband would put it... Having the same dinner every night for 20 years gets boring.
Try to get out of your comfort zone and try new things the reward was worth it. Discuss the options with your wife and find something new each week or month to try.
Examples:
Shop for toys together and use them on each other.
Discuss new fantasies and give them a try, even if they never turned you on before.
Never played dress-up/wasn't your all thing before, try it now.
Never wore sexy lingerie, try it out. She never has, buy her something.
Read erotic short stories together.
Try the book about a new position everyday.
So the theory is next time you find her using her toy, take control, grab the toy and help her use it. Or just offer to help her with it today or tomorrow. Open the door to find exciting new possibilities.
* This can work if your still emotionally connected, if your not emotionally connected you might want to work on that issue.
Assuming you have, my first question is the toy you mentioned. Maybe she is getting more enjoyment out of this than she is you? People on here comment a lot about the affect porn can have on a man's desire for his wife, and I think the same applies to toys, especially for women. Toys can give a woman an orgasm, something that men naturally have more trouble doing through straight vaginal intercourse. I'm not sure how far the two of you go, but unless you are doing something to give her an orgasm, maybe she's just having to much fun with her special little friend right now.
If it's not this, then to be honest I'd begin questioning an affair. There's a reason why someone changes dramatically, and I doubt it's just because she got bored with you. What's more likely is she's found something she likes better.
Assuming you have, my first question is the toy you mentioned. Maybe she is getting more enjoyment out of this than she i you? People on here comment a lot about the affect porn can have on a man's desire for his wife, and I think the same applies to toys, especially for women. Toys can give a woman an orgasm, something that men naturally have more trouble doing through straight vaginal intercourse. I'm not sure how far the two of you go, but unless you are doing something to give her an orgasm, maybe she's just having to much fun with her special little friend right now.
If it's not this, then to be honest I'd begin questioning an affair. There's a reason why someone changes dramatically, and I doubt it's just because she got bored with you. What's more likely is she's found something she likes better.
I was rather reluctant to bring out the possible affair card... but honestly? I was not enjoying sex with my husband. I used toys when he was gone, so I would get off. And, I was in the middle of an EA when I did these things. Not saying this IS what is going on, but it is ONE possibility.
I apprecate the constructive comments. The idea of an EA has came to mind because we used to be more sexually experimental and fun. Looking back it wasnt a gradual decline it was allmost one day she was one way and the next she was another. I have never claimed to be the most attractive or gifted man in the world but I have allways tried. The toy is very large and she claimed when she bought it she would never try it, but I know she has so perhaps the problem is me.
Its not about being an errand boy, I dont do those seeking some kind of reward. It was just an example and I have to wonder if youre married to be saying things like that.
Yes I am, and I've spent way too much time running errands. The more compliant you become, the less attractive you'll be to her...either that or you've put on 40 pounds since you got married. Those are my two guesses at your problem.
It never really dies. But it will take a break. My man and I have been up and down. It changes. Lives change, bodys change, it happens. But dont give up.
time to self reflect and come up with some boundries.and then a very calm candid talk about whats up with your sex life.
tell her you would like to include the toy in your love making and that you would also like to include something you like into the mix. tell her sex should be playfull and fun and that she should tell you what she likes and you would love to hear it.
then start snooping something else could be up. dose she have free time where she would have opprounity is she overly friendly with any male friends.
meanwhile keeping an open mind that its nothing.and shes just bored.
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I think the sexual spark has died 
Re: I think the sexual spark has died 
