normans_mom

I have been married to my husband for ten years. We are both fairly young (early 30's and late 30's). My husband has a successful professional career and is a mature businessman.

I have a problem, however, with how he jokes around with friends and family sometimes. He will say inappropriate or off-color sexual remarks that make me very uncomfortable. I have heard from family members that he makes them uneasy, too.

I talked to him years ago about it and it has never changed. I think I try to block most of them out because they hurt me so much. It makes me feel like he is sexually starved or something, as everything revolves around the sex talk eventually. We have a decent sex life (we are working on it all the time).

A "for instance": My adult niece is a lesbian and she and my husband work in the same field. He called her about a professional issue and when she answered the phone he said, "Hi. Can you teach me how to be a lesbian?" She didn't say a word......long, awkward silence. My husband was mortified and embarrassed (as he should have been) and when he told me about it, I was furious. He says he just doesn't think before he talks sometimes.

I have never heard any other male friends of his talk like this. Maybe men talk like that around each other, but when my hubby does it around me, it makes me insane. Am I overreacting or is there something wrong here?

dallasapple

I dont know if you are over reacting or not but if you are so have I..my husband just in general has a high need for actual sex seems almost like a black hole..and sexual touch in between sex as well as non sexual physical touch(hugs ,handholing,kisses) all of this daily so I just ASSUMED that thinking of sex constantly is why he also made (I say made becasue he has improved but not until a lot of damage was done) he made I'm not going ot say "everything" but many many things that had nothign to do with sex about sex blurting out sexual remarks comments and "jokes' to me and even to the CHILDREN ..to my sister SIL (none of them in a "Im hitting on you way to them) but just "jokes' or snickering over a word that in the context wasnt sexual at all but could be used to mean something sexual in a way. and.like snickering and raisign his eybrow if I had to handle something that could be made (in his mind) to be a sex toy like say a large cucumber...One time he told our 10 year old son he looked a "butch lesbien"....He honest to God thinks its "funny" and couldnt get how innaporpriate but more so overwhelming and TIRESOME it is to have that constant type of interjection evne when I was trying to talk abotu something serious or interesting OTHER than sex..Like one time I was looking up some scripture (we were trying ot go back to church adn stuff) and I read him one part and said hmm..I thin that means..and he was looking at me like he was listeing when I was doen he sid "you knwo what you are " and I said what (I thought he was going to give me soem sort of compliment maybe NON sexual adn related to what I was TALKING about) but he said your a MILF...

Well I am not completely naive but I had no idea what that meant at the time and I sadi MILF?Whats a MILF? and he said "a mom I would like to (f-word)" I swear my heart just sank..I like to think i have a pretty good sense of humor and IM not "prudish" but his constant references to sex when sex was not in the conversation and impulsivley blurting this stuff out(includign in front of peopel liek announcing when we were at a family gathering that when we got home he was going to "tap that a** to me in front my mothr or sibling or WHOEVER was standign there) made me start to just scream and cry WHY?? ..he also would tell litteral jokes liek I have a joke..I started to get to say "it better not be a crude sex joke' he would say its not "crude I dont think" then I would say O.K and he would tell me it and I would be revolted like a joke about molesting a baby..

So are we over reacting?My gut tells me NO..I think THEY may be "obsessed " with sex however..Each one of these individual things if it was in "moderation"(well besides calling our son a butch and the molesitng baby joke) wouldnt even be a big deal if there was SOME sort of moderation ..

And the examples I gave are a few out of hundreds ...not only that the general "tone" of slapping grabbign groping sexually many times a day at any given time on top of the comments just I dont know..

Problem is it took um..close to 20 years for him to finally get the hint..and then he didnt completely stop just toned it down some .he even will tell me he stops himself not that he isnt still thinking those things...before that he would always just say "sorry you cant take a joke" ..or "I took it the wrong way"..or I was "too sensitive" ..but he woud alwasy apologize..so his apologies I think were just to appease me because if it was my issue not his what was he apologizing for..He would actually slip adn say "sorry I forgot your so sensitive"..

Dallas

Gaia

Have you discussed your feelings about his manner of jokes with him? Explained to him why it makes you uncomfortable? Do you know exactly why it makes you uncomfortable? I wouldn't say it's not normal.. as there are people and couples who do joke around in this manner quite often but then again.. there may be just as many who don't. Either way.. you should openly and honestly express your feelings to your husband. That's just my suggestion though.

__________________
"Feelings get you in relationships quickly, and feelings get you out of relationships quickly. Feelings do not fill in the for the sacrifice and dedication needed to make a relationship work. Feelings get themselves hurt." ~Nsweet~
Ignorance is an equal opportunity employer.~DedicatedDad~

larry.gray

I think you're seeing a lack of responses because this board is heavily populated by high sex drive people and many of them like to make sex jokes. I'll confess I'm one of them.

The reality of the situation is that there are people who don't like the jokes. Some of my wife's friends would be very uncomfortable for me to make any kind of sexual joke and I don't around them. By your description it sound like he can't see that line.

As Gaia suggested, the important part is to open communication. My guess? He's frustrated about something sexual and it's grown to a resentment. This is his way of lashing back about the resentment. But that's only a guess, the hard part will be to get him to open up to you.

I will offer a bit of advice on getting him to open up: Men don't like to open up to begin with. If he starts telling you how he feels and you get upset / angry, he's not going to be willing to share more. It's not going to be easy because this is a touchy area in a relationship. Just listen, and think about what he says before you react.

Rowan

My husband has a long history of inappropriate jokes and comments. He's also one for wagging eyebrows, leering grins and general smarmy-ness whenever he thinks of or hears something that is (or might be, or might be only to him) the slightest bit sexual in tone, content or nature. I'm fairly high drive (though not compared to my husband). I think sexual jokes can be funny. I love a good double entendre. I'm not a prude. But to my husband there are no limits to when or where these sorts of things are appropriate.

He's the type to tell my best friend that her tits look great in that dress (in front of her and our children), grope me in public, leer at breastfeeding mothers, skinny-dip by himself in the pool at an engagement party (at someone else's house), overshare to an appalling degree about our sex life to anyone who will listen, and make sexual comments to girls in the 16-20 age bracket who also happen to be the neices, daughters or little sisters of our friends or business associates. He's just all sex, all hands, all overt flirtation, all exhibitionist, all innuendo, all the time. He's like the worst dirty old man you've ever seen, but he's been that way since his 20's. And in his view, everyone else just needs to lighten up and I'm way too sensitive when he's just having fun.

With him it's just part and parcel of his complete lack of boundaries combined with poor impulse control. He simply doesn't have boundaries, doesn't think other people ought to either, and views any boundaries that anyone else has as a personal challenge to him. He doesn't understand, and won't believe me when I try to tell him, that it doesn't come off as funny most of the time to other people. It just seems crass, tasteless, even a little creepy. Sometimes people do laugh, but all too often it's the embarrassed titter of people who've been made profoundly uncomfortable and aren't sure what to do about it.

But, he's a grown man and he can conduct himself as he sees fit. When he gets to be too much for me, I walk away or leave the party or otherwise remove myself from the situation. I also no longer apologize to others for him, attempt to cover for his behavior or make excuses. He's a grown @ss man.

chiben

It might have to do with thinking sex all the time but I think it has to do with knowing etiquette or not. I know people who dont talk about sex all the time but say the most awkward things, not necessarily sexual in nature but still awkward things in general. For instance, asking your lesbian niece about becoming lesbian advice, he could be asking your overweight sister ( i am making this up) on advice how to be fat. I think that would be very awkward as well.
So I think it has to do with manners more so than thinking about sex all the time. I do think sex quite often but I have never ever made jokes like this.

Mavash.

You train people how to treat you. At the moment there is no consequence to his behavior. I'd tell him that until he stops with the sex jokes you won't be around him when he's with family and friends. Don't participate in situations where you know he will act this way. Tell him it's hurtful and embarrassing. Tell him you're done and will take steps towards not dealing with it anymore.

As far as him doing it to the friends and family that's not your problem it's theirs. They will have to stop him in the same manner. If you all took a stand against this he would stop. If everyone began to refuse to hang out with him because of this he'd stop.

The problem is you're all allowing it to continue by seething in private but taking no action.