MrVanilla

For one, I have a pretty low opinion of most men and think she was simply used.

Sometimes... I get this feeling that these things she wants to do are 'fruit of the poisonous tree' and that she's (perhaps unknowingly) trying to corrupt me. I try to keep an open mind, but it's difficult when you find so many of her experiences distasteful.

We met after I had been divorced about 3 years and she was just ending hers. Her Ex was very kinky (think swinger type) and she says "I needed a break from all that, and wanted to find a 'normal' nice guy. =) (ain't that sweet?)

Why she's bringing this stuff up after 16 years is a mystery that I don't think anyone will ever figure out. But I'm trying to be the best nice guy there is, and am very willing to work through this until we're both somewhat happy.

Honestly? I think I'm afraid. I don't want to end up 'like them' (them being that user type of guy).


=)

diwali123

Interesting. Thanks for sharing. Can I ask if you had any religious upbringing?
So you're afraid that if come to like certain acts too much eventually it's going to get to the point where you aren't satisfied with her and you need other people? Like you think experimenting will lead to loss of sexual control? You might end up a swinger?

This is what I don't understand, she was using them too. I'm not trying to be argumentative but do you really think that she didn't fully consent to all of this? Does it seem like she was tricked or like she was forced or maybe drunk? If not, then it was fully her choice and she was doing what she thought was best at the time. Why turn her into a victim?

And then I think you need her to be a victim because it's too hard to see her as a fully sexually realized woman because you have a Madonna/***** thing going on. I think my h does too.
I don't know, just guessing.
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pplwatching

I don't know if it's a good answer, but two things come to mind for me.

#1 Marriage is a commitment to constant personal change.
#2 Marriage is unconditionally accepting who your partner was, who she is, and who she will become.

That is the only reason that I can offer you. Unfortunately some changes are disruptive "game changers", and most people tend to resist change. You are not alone. I can understand your hesitance to try to meet her needs. Change is uncomfortable, but it is also good.

Only you can decide how far you are willing to go for the woman that you love. IMHO when you are both striving to find the middle ground that meets both of your needs, you deepen and strengthen your love relationship. You may find that you enjoy something she enjoys. You may find that you have no opinion but are willing to do something because it makes her happy. You may find that after trying a few times you simply don't like it. At that point she needs to accept that this is who you are, but IMHO trying is important.

Beyond that I don't think there is a "reason" for anyone to try anything.

Seeking to understand your lover and to meet her needs in spite of your own reservations is the holy grail of marriage. Making that kind of effort in no way shape or form makes you a user. It makes you a husband.

diwali123

Exactly. I do wonder if maybe you are afraid that she might be thinking of the other people while she does this with you? Or she's going to compare you?
I would say that I think her approach was wrong. She totally sprang it all on you at once instead of just going slowly and seeing if you were open to it.
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MrVanilla

First,
my apologizes to ValleyForge for the derail.
I'll be brief.

Not religious.

No... I'm not receptive to trying certain acts at all. I'm listening, learning, trying to be as understanding as possible and hoping to find ways of changing my mind. I have never seen myself as the type of person to engage in such activities. So, I continue to seek information that might give me acceptable reasonings for changing my mind.

I know that her casual encounters were mutually consensual - however - I cannot comprehend mutually consensual casual sexual encounters. These are alien to me, therefore there is no 'best at the time' because there is never a time to have one.


I won't speak on a public forum about my W's victimization, except to say that she is a survivor.

For me to be suffering from a Madonna/***** complex... I wouldn't want to be sexually active at all with her... so it's probably not that. =)

You can't get an argument from me! - just my respect for your opinion. I do have reservations with the validity of "fully sexually realized" as a 'preferred' state of being.

Hiya ppl!
Thanks again for the note.

If I take a couple of days off work to overcome a fever or the flu... it's better for the workplace. The illness won't drag out for weeks and I won't have huge drops in productivity.

In this same regard, I alone, must be able to continue to appreciate myself for who I am, or who I will become. If I dislike the person I am becoming... both the marriage and my ability to be the husband I need to be will suffer. =)

kingsfan

Not to further derail here, just wanted to chime in myself on this as it has become rather interesting.

When you ask why she's bringing this all up now, have you asked her? I assume it wouldn't be a mystery if you did.

And you're trying to work through this until you're both happy? Considering this is something she wants to do, how can you say for certain that holding off until she no longer tries for this as something that will make both of you happy?

Finally, you end up as the man you make of yourself. Just because you start to experiment in bed doesn't mean you'll suddenly morph into something you don't respect. You are a (iassume) middle aged man who has 30-50 years of personal growth in him, forged from your own past experiences and the people around you, including family and friends. Going for a wild ride in bed with your wife isn't going to turn you into a user type of guy. You have a brain, you should be able to recognize if you're becoming a user or not.

But they aren't alien to your wife, and she clearly does feel the need to revisit either that part of her life or, more likely, to enjoy those sex acts again. She quite enjoys them it seems, but you appear to be very rigid in your stance that they will never be a part of your marriage.

Which leads to the question about the person you are becoming. We are always changing, all of us. In this aspect of your life, are you changing for the better? It seems from your posts on the matter, you have become very closed minded to the subject of these sexual acts with your wife, and she clearly is not. I'm not saying to do anything uncomfortable or something you are very strongly against, but how is your communication on this matter? You preach of open-mindedness, yet you make statements like "I'm not receptive to trying certain acts at all" and "therefore there is no 'best at the time' because there is never a time to have one" and " I'm having very negative feelings toward any kind of 'sexual awakening' - I don't see any validity in that kind of behavior."

To me, it sounds like you aren't open-minded at all.

Finally, considering your rigid stance regarding sex, it's likely a good thing your wife explored her sexuality before she met you because for her sake I have no idea how she would be able to explore it with you.

None of this was meant as an attack or anything, so please don't take it as such. Just my views on your recent posts in this thread.

pplwatching

This is not a one sided principle. Yes, she needs to accept who you are unconditionally. You need to accept who she is unconditionally.

From this side of the fence post it seems to me like you don't want to accept who she was or who she is, either because of who her former lovers were, because her tastes are repulsive, or just because you were happy before she moved the cheese.

If I am wrong, and you do accept her then the question is where does that leave you? What do you do when you can accept who she was and is (and she you) but can not be the people who give each other what each needs? That is indeed a very tricky question, and a dangerous place to be. At that point you either roll up your sleeves and work to find a way to mutually solve the impasse, or your marriage suffers.

I guess each of you needs to decide how important what you want is to each of you. Only you can decide how far you are willing to go for the woman that you love.

diwali123

I won't speak on a public forum about my W's victimization, except to say that she is a survivor.

I don't know the entire situation obviously but as a survivor it does annoy me when people want to "blame" everything in my life on that, as if I have no free will.
You seem very entrenched in your beliefs about sex and I'm guessing your wife is going to have a very hard time changing your mind about anything. But honestly she knew that when she married you.
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MindOverMatter

VF,

I've read this thread with great interest, because my situation is the opposite (HD Kinky Husband/LD Vanilla wife). If there is any way I could get the "sex drive" portion of you DNA replicated and implanted in my wife, I would gladly pay you big money for that.

I'm always STUNNED when I read something like what you posted -- where you basically were game for ANYTHING he wanted, and he still had no interest. From a guy's perspective, that's borderline insanity. But it does happen, sadly.

I wish you the best of luck and continued success, because I feel your pain on a daily basis

pplwatching

I knew that this sounded familiar, but I don't watch TV so I wasn't familiar with that particular show. What has been tickling my memory is 101 Days of Sex.

Once you finish those 7 days, keep going

__________________
I want to be inside your heart. Are you ready? I want to love forever! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I want to know you're with me. I am waiting.

kingsfan

Last night I tried to get some from my fiancee after we had already done the deed the night before. She told me no because "I'm not a sex machine."

Didn't know sex on back to back days made you a sex machine. If so, I'd likely turn into a sex version of Inspector Gadget because I could do it day after day, in many a different way.