HD Kinky Wife / LD Vanilla Husband ?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 06-26-2012, 12:50 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default HD Kinky Wife / LD Vanilla Husband ?

So yeah. That's me.

I'm 25, my husband is 32. We have been married for 5 years. When we got married he seemed very open minded, liked sex several times a week, was willing to experiment. He was interested in continuing to try lots of different things, so I didn't think that that could change so completely. We also had A LOT of fights at that time.

But for the past three years things have changed. We have a lot less fights, which is nice. But we also have a lot less sex. I am fine with getting less than I'd like. I'm fine with him needing a break for work/stress/relationship changes.

But for three years we have had sex less than once a month. Maybe like once every two months. And that once every other month only happens after a predictable cycle of me trying to initiate and getting shot down, then me trying to just be more inviting and extra attractive and being ignored, then me starting an argument to make him at least talk about it and him ending up either giving me guilt sex or guilt silent treatment.

I've tried to talk to him about this and explain that while our level of intimacy isn't a problem for him, it IS a problem for me. He just tries to change the subject or has a million excuses. (The house isn't clean enough, the sheets weren't washed recently enough, my showering in the morning and not the evening was a no-go) So I do those things - and it's the same story. I have tried to suggest that we connect on a non-sexual physical level, like going to the gym or hiking together. He always says that's a good idea, but never ever ever thinks that today is the day for it.

I tried to VERY SENSITIVELY ask him if maybe his blood pressure was a problem, and maybe we could go to the doctor and see if there was a medication to help his health / desire level. He got angry and told me his desire level was just fine because he masturbated every morning in the shower. (!?!*!#?)

I know that I'm not a 10, but I'm also not a troll. I still like to wear make-up and skirts. And am VERY VERY willing and VERY VERY open-minded. And he did want to marry me after all. So this kind of consistent rejection REALLY hurts my self-esteem.

If he is doing this because of depression / health / esteem issues, I'm prepared to do the work to fix it with him, but I just don't know how else I can approach this as every attempt I make in any way is wholly rejected. What else can I do?

I am not going to cheat, and have no interest in doing so, but I am in desperate need of sexy fun time and feel like I'm running out of options. My needs are being disregarded to a critical point and I'm starting to notice the attractiveness of other people that I would never have noticed before. Then I start thinking how they would probably be ecstatic to have a woman of my proclivities. NOT A GOOD SIGN! CODE RED!!

I told him yesterday I was going to feed him roofies and viagra, tie him to the bed, and he would just have to live with the consequences. Half-jokingly.

Any one have any more ideas that are actually legal?
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Old 06-26-2012, 12:58 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I wish! I'm in a similar predicament.
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Old 06-26-2012, 01:17 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: HD Kinky Wife / LD Vanilla Husband ?

If cheating or him working on your sex life aren't viable options. Then you are left with open marriage, divorce or acceptance.
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Old 06-26-2012, 01:32 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: HD Kinky Wife / LD Vanilla Husband ?

I've had daydreams about asking for an open marriage. But realistically this would probably be like dropping an atomic bomb on any piece of stability we have. I really don't think he's the type of guy that would be up for that. Like violent murder-suicide headline not up for it.

Some kind of ultimatum is starting to sound reasonable. But what would I say? "Hey, start wanting to f*** me, or I'll find someone who does?" That's not helpful, that's just *****y and pointless. What ultimatum could I make that would actually be helpful and not just spiteful? I would do that.

Divorce and cheating are not particularly conducive to trying to fix your marriage either.



The roofies and viagra are starting to sound pretty reasonable to me.
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Old 06-26-2012, 01:47 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: HD Kinky Wife / LD Vanilla Husband ?

You are in a tough spot. Maybe an ultimatum could be put as I love you, but I cant stay married to someone who is not being intimate with me. I feel rejected & it is becoming a major issue for me. i dont expect you to fix this overnight, but there has to be some real progress because I am not happy. I will work with you to do whatever it is to make you want me. But know this, we cannot continue the way we are right now. As much as I love you, I'll have to let you go if you cant come through for me.
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Old 06-26-2012, 03:20 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: HD Kinky Wife / LD Vanilla Husband ?

Well the reality is he's not LD if he's masturbating daily...if DIY in the shower is his preference...that's HIS LOSS


The troubling thing to me is that in a post on another thread you said that you were "wishing that I had never gotten married for five years now."


This is no way to live...You're only 25 years old!!

Life is TOO SHORT...you've already burned five years (of your youth) that you can never get back...are you going to regret this marriage at the end of this year and the one after too? where does it end?

You're a woman. A woman is meant to be an object of desire (hence...why we wear makeup, skirts, high heels etc)...so many soul-crushed rejected husbands on this forum would kill for a wife like you

So assuming that you don't get off on being rejected on some level (another problem entirely)....assuming that you honestly would like to be in a relationship with a husband who chased you too (that's the natural order here anyway)...and assuming you haven't left out some vital piece of this puzzle...my only question is: why on earth are you staying in this marriage?

If you leave...and he chases you (what he should be doing anyway)...maybe you have something to salvage....if he does nothing...cut your losses...and find the fulfilling relationship that you're meant to have

Last edited by IndiaInk; 06-26-2012 at 03:26 AM.
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Old 06-26-2012, 04:03 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: HD Kinky Wife / LD Vanilla Husband ?

Sorry to hear your having these problem at such a new marriage. Now that you know he's doing this in the shower every morning, as soon as I heard the water start up I would be jumping in there with him! Have you tried waking up before him, getting your shower done, then climb back into bed and start giving him some attention? Never met a man who didn't like to be woke up that way. lol If all else fails I would just start masterbating yourself, when you know he's home. He's bound to wonder what your doing in the bed room alone for an hour. Leave the toy out on the nightstand. When he asks about what your doing or why the toy is out, simply tell him that if he isn't going to meet your needs then you'll have to take care of it yourself. Good luck.
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Old 06-26-2012, 07:44 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: HD Kinky Wife / LD Vanilla Husband ?

Masturbating in the shower every morning? That's not LD.

If he is unwilling to work with you and has chosen to masturbate in the shower instead of spend time with his wife, you already have your answer. Are you stuck in this marriage? Do you have your own income?

If so, let him know you want to try seperation. It's funny how much a person will change when they realizes they weren't as "safe" as they thought they were. Sometimes marriage brings on this complacency and you lose that apprecation for your spouse. A catalyst like the idea of divorce, seperation, and yes, even an affair, can change everything (as long as the affair hasn't went too far).

Take the day dreams of open marriages and toss them out the window. Open marriages do not work. You'd fall for the first guy that desired you and your husband would be out the door. The open marriage you dream about is more like permission to find a replacement, imho.

Good luck! Unfortunately, with him unwilling to change or see anything wrong, you have to open his eyes. If you are financial able to do so, or have a support system (family), do it.
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Old 06-26-2012, 08:02 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: HD Kinky Wife / LD Vanilla Husband ?

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He got angry and told me his desire level was just fine because he masturbated every morning in the shower. (!?!*!#?)
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say just because you quit fighting didn't mean his anger disappeared. He's still pissed at you for something and is punishing you by withholding the one thing you want. Sex. He likely feels controlled by you and this is the one way he can assert his manhood.

The cure is to back off. Just stop. Don't bring up sex again. Go make some friends, get a hobby, do a 180 and act like you are preparing your exit strategy. Don't tell him of this just do it. Act like you no longer care about him or sex. You aren't angry you're just done talking. Stop pursuing him and give him space. If you take sex off the table it will lose its power over you.

Be warned this strategy isn't a quick fix. Could take months depending on how well you can act. And during that time study him and try to figure out why he's so mad. Consider IC for yourself if he won't go.
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Old 06-26-2012, 11:42 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: HD Kinky Wife / LD Vanilla Husband ?

Hm. A regular masturbation routine isn't very LD is it? This is true...

The idea that maybe he's somehow pissed at me in a long term way for some reason sounds the most likely. But since we get along so much better in day-to-day activities, I can't understand a guy getting past his resentments in every way except the way that will allow him to have as much sex as he wants. That seems really...self-defeating? Why wouldn't he pick something like temper tantrums over my going out shopping by myself and still leave sex on the table? Odd choice of revenge for a guy, I think?

And yes, I got married too young and am still more than young enough to pull out. I think my staying boils down to a couple of things. The first two years of our marriage I was really resentful of "the mistake I had made." I didn't say that, but you can tell when someone feels like that. He was mean to me then, but at some point I just reconciled myself to the idea that this is my life, I made my choice, and I need to get over myself and start applying myself fully to making this work. I choose to not give myself the time to "sew my wild oats," and that was my own fault, not his. I think that's helped.

Another thing is that my husband is literally my ONLY experience with men. I didn't date anyone before I met him, and lost my virginity to him. My inexperience was probably the reason I didn't have the skills to tell him that I wanted more time to just be engaged before we got married. But this is the only guy I've ever been with, romantically or physically. I just kind of went along with it.

It just seems like people that put more time and thought into the act of getting married than I did end up with problems like these anyway, so the grass is probably not all that greener anywhere else in the long-term. May as well fix what I have instead of buying something new if that's just as easily breakable. Maybe a new guy would be more than enthusiastic to try to make me forget my own name, but would I end up in the same place in another five years? Maybe. Maybe I'd end up with an even worse problem.

I don't want to play more games to fix this, so maybe I should put the Big D on the table if he can't be compelled to want to fix things. It just seems like he'll end up resenting me for that as well and would leave me with no choice but to actually file it.
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Old 06-26-2012, 11:51 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: HD Kinky Wife / LD Vanilla Husband ?

I think others have hit the nail on the head here it seems, but just to toss in my two cents, it almost sounds like either A) You just back right off and let him figure it out, or B) you toss out some sort of ultimatum.

Considering this has been ongoing for three years as you say, I'd suggest not waiting. Three years is long enough for him to get it together and you've been quite clear that you have a need that he isn't meeting.

Now I don't usually support ultimatums, but he's clearly being (based solely on what you've said here) overly hostile to your attempts to discuss this. He's basically said "this is your problem, not mine" by spanking the monkey daily and refusing to talk to you at all. Communication is always the first method of choice, but it takes two to communicate.

As such, I'd suggest telling him (not asking him) you want a brief discussion on the subject. Then, state how you feel, how it hurts you and that you are going to have to leave (or whatever ultimatum you feel justified in taking) if things don't improve. Be sure to point out that you've tried everything you can think of and have been patient for three years on the issue and have recieved virtually zero input from him. Tell him if he prefers his hand to you, that that can be arranged.

When a spouse isn't even willing to talk to their partner about an issue of great importance to them, is that really being a spouse?
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Old 06-26-2012, 01:45 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ValleyForge View Post
...


Another thing is that my husband is literally my ONLY experience with men. I didn't date anyone before I met him, and lost my virginity to him. My inexperience was probably the reason I didn't have the skills to tell him that I wanted more time to just be engaged before we got married. But this is the only guy I've ever been with, romantically or physically. I just kind of went along with it.
This doesn't have to be a bad thing (though 99% of the girls I've been with have had many partners before me). It seems as though it would be an incredibly fun thing to find out what a partner likes, hates, or loves together through much experimentation. Sadly, your situation does not allow for that. Like you said maybe it's time to put D on the table and see if it shakes things up.
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Old 06-26-2012, 01:52 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: HD Kinky Wife / LD Vanilla Husband ?

I would tell him you don't see the marriage lasting with things as they are. That's what I did with my wife. Tell him he has to go to the doctor (if that's the problem- consider that he may be lying about jerking off every day so he doesn't seem unmanly) or that he or both of you need to go to counseling. All the feelings you have are pretty typical (I've certainly had them) and will not go away if things don't change. All that will happen is that you'll be less and less attracted to him due to the rejection and more tempted to look elsewhere.
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Old 06-26-2012, 04:03 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
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The first two years of our marriage I was really resentful of "the mistake I had made."
This is a clue. You resented marrying too young and called it a 'mistake'. He knew it and now that you're 'back' wanting to have sex he's punishing you for resenting him.

He's essentially saying "oh so NOW you want me....well I'm not so easily gotten". Yes it's childish but it's working. He's getting through to you. He wants you to feel the way he did.

Again I'm just guessing. I've seen this before which is why I think it's a viable theory.
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Old 06-26-2012, 04:17 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: HD Kinky Wife / LD Vanilla Husband ?

A kinky HD woman... God bless you! As a reasonably healthy man let me just say I really don't understand LD men. Hopefully I never will.

I also don't understand any partner who thinks the sex can stop once they get married. Reasonable people understand that with marriage comes the expectation of sex. Your husband definitely has some sort of issue if he want's to beat off in the shower but not have wild freaky monkey sex with you. If he won't discuss it with you then tell him the only option you can see in that event is divorce. I'm probably one of the few who believes that unwillingness (not inability, different animal) but UNWILLINGNESS to engage in sex with one's spouse is sufficient grounds for divorce.
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