Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Hi everyone, I have been soo extremely frustrated lately and I could really use some advice.
My husband and I are both 22 and we have been together for 4 years, married for a little over 1 year. When we first got together we would have sex almost everyday and sometimes multiple times a day. The first year and a half of our relationship he was in college 3 and a half hours away so I only saw him on weekends which made the sex life on the weekends that much better. Now he is out of college and we obviously live together and he has been out of college for 2 and a half years.
Since he got out of college the sex in our relationship has dwindled down to once or twice a week if I'm lucky and it is a very big struggle for me. I have asked my husband if he is still attracted to me, because I have self-esteem issues, and he assures me that he still is, and based on a post he posted on my facebook the other day I know he clearly still loves me. I just dont know what to do about how much we have sex. He works construction and I work in an office all day, so he tells me that he is tired when he gets home, well he may be physically exhausted but I am mentally exhausted when I get home and still have the drive. When I try to really talk to him about it he either pulls out his cell phone or gets on the computer or watches tv so he isnt even paying attention to me.
I feel very lonely now when all we do at night is go to bed and go to sleep and I dont think it should be like this after only a year of marriage....
I need help or some advice on how I can improve or help things along...
Foxy, I'm not male, but that seems very odd for a 22 year old, regardless of how tired he is. Is he drinking a lot? Do you think he could possibly be seeing someone else? I've never met a 22-year old male who would be happy with once a week, especially if he used to like it more.
I don't blame you for being sad and upset. I'm sure you'll get some good advice here.
I am almost positive he isnt seeing someone else as he gets really mad when he hears about other people cheating and he hates cheaters and he was cheated on in his last relationship so I dont think its that and plus he is never alone enough to do that because he works with his father and we get home at the same exact time at night. We do everything together on the weekends and everything. I thought it was very unusual too because he used to want it all the time and now its just like he isnt interested in sex anymore and I wish I could get him to open up as to why. I mean I just got my hair done the other day and he said that he loved it and I was thinking hey this might be the night...well nope went to bed and that was it..Im so confused and dont know what to do
If tiredness is the main 'reason' why he doesn't want sex, try initiating in the morning.
That's extremely rude of him to start texting/finding distractions whilst you are trying to talk to him. Next time he does this, stop him and tell him (gently, in case he really is just oblivious to it..) that it hurts your feelings and what you're saying requires his full attention.
Is he having any issues - i.e. getting/keeping an erection? This can damage a man's sexual confidence and result in less sex. Ask him about this.
You could always just say it plain and simple to him - tell him you'd like more sex, that you understand he is tired but you will be happy to 'work around it'. Maybe schedule some times for sex? Not the most spontaneous romantic thing to do, but it might help.
I dont think he is having any problems in that area at least I havent noticed any..I mean he can be spontaneous when he wants to be but thats another thing...He wants sex when he wants it, regardless of whether I am in the mood or not. But the minute that I want sex and he isnt in the mood I get he back turned to me and he starts getting an attitude with me when I try to initiate it when he doesnt want to...I have tried initiating it in the morning its like he opens his eyes and then goes right back to sleep..Lately I have been like smacking him to keep him awake in the morning so we can lol but its like he doesnt want to wake up for it
So how many hours is he working? How much sleep is he actually getting? What's his diet like?
Ah, to be 22. You are supposed to have all that endless energy.
But you likely also don't have a ton of relationship skills. I know you've probably heard this already, but you are both young, first marraige, the first few years has it's stages. You forget to go out on dates. There isn't any wooing going on anymore. Sleep becomes more important, because you see each other everyday, and there is always tomorrow.
You want to try reading His Needs Her Needs and the Five Love Languages. Hopefully together. Learning about each other's styles of expressing love and affection.
He isn't quite meeting your need to feel loved. And just be aware that might not quite understand what his is either.
Go out on dates. Fun stuff. Make sure you both get enough sleep. keep the serious conversations to a minimum, instead try reading the books.
Lots of guys are not good at expressing what is wrong. Especially at 22. Help him out with it.
Also he hardly ever drinks because he has alcoholism in his family so he doesnt want to get into that
There are tons of reasons not to have sex....maybe switch to morning sex? Maybe be aggressive to a point? I mean keep it R rated but don't make it all about sex...more horny and playful with no pressure?
That is great advice..I have been looking for books to read because talking just doesnt seem to get the message through...I also write him letters and that seems to sink in too and your right we dont go out on dates anymore and we really need to..I have hopefully planned a day trip to the mountains this weekend so that should be a helpful thing..he leaves at 5 in the morning and gets home at 5 at night and then sometimes goes to work at his parents bowling alley..and as far as sleep he doesnt go to bed when he should because he is always on his phone or on the computer, and his diet isnt what it should be either he doesnt eat when he is at work pretty much and waits till he gets home to really hydrate himself
OK so I tried to initiate sex last night with my husband..because we had a great night, we went to see fireworks and he was cuddly and we were kissing and it was perfect. So I tried to initiate when we got home and everytime I would try to touch him he would push my hand away I dont know what to do anymore about this
I was going to suggest giving him something to look at on his cell phone . . . a "mysterious" girl texting/sexting him. (Get a paid phone - use another name.) BUT, seeing how last night went, it sounds like he is tired of the pressure/your trying. Try backing off - as if it does not matter anymore. Reverse direction. Maybe seem interested in something else yourself - hobby, activity, the gym, a romantic movie that happens to be on and you "have to watch it" - with or without him. Maybe buy a toy! As a guy, I can say that "clingy" woman can be a turn-off - even though we hate the thought of not having our woman want us. We often don't know what the magic is either, but we know the solution is NOT the pressure. Posted via Mobile Device
Foxy, one thing he really needs to do is stay hydrated. If he's working construction -- and I'm not sure what kind -- and is out in the sun all day, sweating, and DOESN'T hydrate himself during the day, he's asking for trouble.
I grew up in FL, and from age 16-18 was mowing lawns about 30 hours a week. My typical consumption of water and/or Gatorade was well over a gallon a day. Dehydration does a LOT of bad things that most people aren't aware of.
Maybe you could work on cleaning up his diet, though at age 22, testosterone should be enough to overcome a bad diet. I agree that backing off is probably a good strategy at this point. Sometimes when we focus on something too much, it creates unwanted pressure.
Good luck with things -- at 22 (and with no kids, I presume), you should be having the time of your life!