Should I tell my wife that I'm gay/bi or should I wait?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 07-03-2012, 01:03 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Should I tell my wife that I'm gay/bi or should I wait?

This is a unique situation and I'm hoping to get some help. I have 2 boys by my wife. One is 4 and the other is 5 weeks. The last time we had sex was in January. Prior to that, we had sex once every 3 months. I have always been attracted to women and my wife is very attractive. Around 2 years ago, I could no longer get it up to have sex with her. I tried seeing doctors and taking erectile medication. It seems that nothing helped our situation. I could rarely get it up during sex and even the vardenafil rarely worked.

The paradox to this story is the fact that I have a very high sex drive. I can easily masturbate 2-3 times per day. It's just one day, I could no longer get aroused by her to have sex. We have not had sex since January and my excuse is that she was pregnant. She had a C-section and that was 5 weeks ago. Meanwhile, I'm thinking that I may like guys. I have never cheated on her and I have never had sex with a man. I just feel that a man would be able to satisfy me better. Another problem is that I'm still attracted to women too. I can watch women porn all day but yet, male porn disgusts me. I don't understand this but it's how I feel. I know this may sound confusing but I'm also confused too.

Is this normal? I'm 29 years old so I don't think I should be curious like this. I would prefer to stay with my wife and sleep with her but for some reason, that option just doesn't seem natural to me. Should I tell her that I think I am bi or gay or should I keep it to myself until I am sure? I know it's wrong to cheat but I have been thinking about maybe sleeping with a guy to see what it's like. She has been talking about the future lately and pretty soon, i'm sure she will start pressuring me for sex. I just don't know what to do so please help me.
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Old 07-03-2012, 01:17 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my wife that I'm gay/bi or should I wait?

You know... you could try having her dress up as a guy and put on a strap on... then have her take you and see if you like that? Perhaps that may answer some questions?
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Old 07-03-2012, 01:18 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my wife that I'm gay/bi or should I wait?

Bi or gay is two very different things. If you're bi then you need to lay off the porn and get back into your wife. The porn doesn't help in this regard. Over time you've got to figure out if you can live without being with another man.

If you're gay, well then there isn't much you can do other than level with your wife.
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Old 07-03-2012, 01:25 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my wife that I'm gay/bi or should I wait?

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You know... you could try having her dress up as a guy and put on a strap on... then have her take you and see if you like that? Perhaps that may answer some questions?
This really isn't a option since she would get the idea that i'm gay and it would end our relationship. In her eyes, I'm very anti-gay. She doesn't know that i'm attracted to guys.

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Bi or gay is two very different things. If you're bi then you need to lay off the porn and get back into your wife. The porn doesn't help in this regard. Over time you've got to figure out if you can live without being with another man.

If you're gay, well then there isn't much you can do other than level with your wife.
I guess laying off of porn would be a start. I really want to stay with her and I love my kids but I just can't explain these feelings.
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Old 07-03-2012, 01:28 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my wife that I'm gay/bi or should I wait?

That's sad that it would end the relationship.... are you sure she wouldn't be open minded about trying this during sex? Or... do you think she ever could be?
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Old 07-03-2012, 01:39 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my wife that I'm gay/bi or should I wait?

No she would never be open to it. She is not from the US and back in her country, they publicly ridicule gays and sometimes kill them. OF course I am from here. I am stuck because I'm not even sure I'm gay. I would hate to tell her that I am and then later I sleep with a guy and find out it's not for me.
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Old 07-03-2012, 01:43 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my wife that I'm gay/bi or should I wait?

Maybe it's not the ... sleeping with a guy thats appealing... perhaps it may be the ... being penetrated and dominated that is? They do have toys that you can experiment with if your interested... to see exactly what you like rather then going out and experimenting with another person....
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Old 07-03-2012, 01:47 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my wife that I'm gay/bi or should I wait?

I would suggest going to a PFLAG meeting. You can look up chapters here:

PFLAG: Coming Out Support for LGBT People

You'll find people who've been there are can help you understand your feelings. You should be safe talking there without someone outing you. That's the #1 rule for anyone in PFLAG: no outing anybody, they set the pace.
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Old 07-03-2012, 02:15 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by dougfromdetroit View Post
No she would never be open to it. She is not from the US and back in her country, they publicly ridicule gays and sometimes kill them. OF course I am from here. I am stuck because I'm not even sure I'm gay. I would hate to tell her that I am and then later I sleep with a guy and find out it's not for me.
Sadly we aren't much more advanced in some social circles here.

Coming from a straight man I will offer this advice. Talk to her about your situation as much as your comfortable with. But I know that is meaningless advice and easier said than done.

It will be hard to explain your sexuality to her if you don't have a firm (no pun intended) grasp of it yourself. Maybe that's what it is, and maybe not.

Sometimes when my wife haven't had sex in a while I perceive a lack of attraction on either of our parts. We are young (26 and 27) but between pre-med undergrad work for both of us, her issues from one type of bc pill and when I had my cancer surgery there have been some long dry stretches. But eventually we realize our attraction is to the people we married, not the perfect ten porn figure ( but she smoking hot). We have no kids but I can understand how a new kid and pregnancy get in the way.

I guess I really don't know what to tell you, but I wish you luck in whatever your situation turns out to be.
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Old 07-03-2012, 08:22 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my wife that I'm gay/bi or should I wait?

I'm no expert, but I've read articles and seen specials that say that heterosexual men are repulsed by gay porn and homosexuals and bisexuals are aroused by it. That would suggest that you may not be gay. My brother-in-law is gay and one of his first indicators was that he found hetero porn disgusting but when he discovered gay porn he was totally into it.

I would lay off the 2-3 per day masturbation. That may be making it even more difficult to maintain an erection during sex.
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Old 07-03-2012, 08:42 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my wife that I'm gay/bi or should I wait?

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Originally Posted by dougfromdetroit View Post
I just feel that a man would be able to satisfy me better.
Can you explain the line above? I don't get it, since you say that gay p*rn disgusts you. I can't think of any good advice, other than to really take your time here. Don't go sleep with a dude and don't tell your W about this just yet.

Cut the p*rn and slow down or stop MB-ing so much. Maybe your wife's recovering body isn't attractive to you since you're looking at p*rn bodies? Maybe talk to your wife and tell her you'd like to try some new things to get that spark back?
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Old 07-03-2012, 11:50 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my wife that I'm gay/bi or should I wait?

Twenty-nine years old, always been attracted to women, only have had sex with women, never had a sexual fantasy or thought about a man. That sounds neither gay nor bi.

You have a sexual anxiety problem as evidenced by not being able to get hard with your wife, and your mind is trying to reconcile it by convincing yourself that you're gay or bi. This is far more common than you think, and is linked to sexual anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder.

Do me a favor, read this article and tell me if the first few paragraphs ring true. I'll quote the important paragraph below. Then read this article and tell me if it hits home.

Quote:
The anxious man begins to wonder if he is attracted to other men. This almost inevitably leads to excessive concern when he detects any positive feeling within himself for another man. Unaware that everyone has a sliding scale of interest in others, he will police his thoughts and emotions. Again, inevitably, this will mean that he will have thoughts about sex when he comes in contact with any man he doesn't find totally repellent, because he has linked attractive men, fear and sex in his mind. This is another trait all humans have. When something is flagged up in our heads as very important, that link always occurs. So 'see a good-looking man, think of sex' becomes a chronic response to this sexually worried man and plunges him deeper and deeper into self-doubt.
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Old 07-03-2012, 11:54 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my wife that I'm gay/bi or should I wait?

From reading the Original Post, I would cut out the porn and masturbation and see if that changes the relationship with your wife.
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Old 07-03-2012, 12:01 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my wife that I'm gay/bi or should I wait?

I agree that there is a contradiction between what you say that you enjoy sexually (women) and being gay. Perhaps you need to look at other possibilities.

There's a research paper gaining some popularity on the Internet called "The Great Porn Experiment" that describes the effects of porn on intimate relationships (among other things). One of the effects is a loss of interest in your primary partner.

http://www.reuniting.info/download/p...eatPornExp.pdf

There's also a video that boils it down if you find the reading too dry
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Old 07-03-2012, 01:25 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my wife that I'm gay/bi or should I wait?

Perhaps the Madonna-***** syndrome (sounds like Madonna-horse syndrome) is also relevant here? Maybe you have trouble comprehending that the mother of your children could also be a sex kitten?

Does the thought of being gay cause some anxiety or other strong emotion? There is a theory that various strong negative emotions can inadvertently cause arousal that can be misinterpreted.
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