Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
As for not drinking under your parents roof, good for you. You are a very rare breed.
LOL I am one of those rare breeds... I never touched a drop until NYE 2009. That was my very first taste...at the age of 34. My mother-in-law had a mixed drink and offered me a sip. I liked it, but never had any after that until last November...even that was only because I had a toothache, couldn't see a dentist right away, and I needed something to dull the pain. Personal choice that my husband and I made...no drinking. And, those few sips I have taken in recent years, he doesn't hold against me.
As for porn, I have stated many times that we BOTH made the choice of "no porn" in our marriage. It wasn't about giving it up. We had both viewed it in the past, but it was of no interest to us. So, we have both stuck by that agreement. Neither of us has a desire to view it. We BOTH prefer movies/videos with an actual plot.
Ladies, good luck finding a guy that truly doesn't look at porn. Plus, i hope you've also made the decision to not read romances, that are the female equivalent to porn. If you didn't, then you played your hubbies.
Porn and hiding it USUALLY go hand in hand. Maybe if they wouldn't hide it and lie about then maybe things would be a lot different.. Crap i wanna watch!!
I also dealt with this a lot in my marriage. But he chose the crap over me. So big problem.. If we do work things out it will never again be allowed in this house ever again. Period.
Ladies, good luck finding a guy that truly doesn't look at porn. Plus, i hope you've also made the decision to not read romances, that are the female equivalent to porn. If you didn't, then you played your hubbies.
I don't read them, i have a pretty good imagination with out reading "romance novels". And i don't watch porn either. I have enough sexually thoughts running through my head all the time, I don't need anymore!
makes me laugh that men giving up porn is considered a "sacrifice".
Really? Okay...I don't want you to watch romance movies or read romance novels. Would you not see that as a "sacrafice"?
Women are mentally stimulated, men are visually stimulated. If you refuse to see that or accept that, you have some maturing to do.
The problem here is not WHAT he was viewing, but that he did not have the BALLS to be honest about it. Personally, it's easy for me. I don't lie about anything that my significant other may find important. So, she either realizes I am a man and I get turned on by visions of naked women, and she is confident enough in herself (that's KEY) that it doesn't matter and it's not a threat to her...or she is not. In which case, I've found, insecure women carry so much more baggage that the "battle" over stupid, insignificant things like porn would be the least of my worries.
Then again, I've never chosen porn over my W, so maybe that's where I'm different. Porn addiction can be an issue and is not what we're talking about here. What we're talking about here is a woman who feels that a man looking at any other female is an affront to her. Fine, if that's how you feel, then YOU give up the bullchit, unrealistic romance novels and movies! Just because you don't understand that men are visual (but you do understand it when it suits you, hence the getting all dressed up, makeup, tight clothing to accentuate figure, etc), does not make it wrong any more than the women are wrong for "needing to feel mentally connected" (your partner romatasizing the hell out of you).
Honesty and having the backbone to be a man and not lie are the issues, not looking at "boobies" on the internet. If your "man" can't "man up" and admit to you what virtually EVERY MAN ALIVE does...it's time to look for another "man". Either that or a "mouse" you can browbeat into not being a man (but that will carry a multitude of so many other issues you're screwed anyway). I can look at the hottest, naked women on the planet on the internet. Strange how none of them hold a candle to my "averagely bodied" but yet confident and mature wife.
makes me laugh that men giving up porn is considered a "sacrifice".
It amazed me too that I had that same view until I finally change my perception and stopped. It is still very difficult and I have compassion for anyone trying to overcome it.
We discussed pornography both before and during our marriage. We both agreed that it was something we would abstain from because of our moral stances. Recently I found a pornographic DVD and magazine in his sock drawer. I am hurt by this for few of reasons. First off he lied to me. If he wasn't going to abstain from pornography he should have been upfront with me. I could handle him having some differing opinions from me, I don't deal well with dishonesty.
Had your H told you prior to getting married that he enjoyed watching porn and would continue to do so, given your moral stance on the subject, would you have still married him?
My point is, we make decisions based on the information at hand and, IMO, it is wrong to deceive someone about an issue that is important to them, then simply expect them to accept / deal with it later.
I still think you husband is acting normally and you should not lose confidence in you sexual abilities or let this harm your marriage. You are a perfectionist, and he is a regular guy.
When I read your second sentence, it reminds me of "We decided we are going to visit my family every Christmas"... Like as in what "We" decided was actually what you (the wife) wanted and the husband just went along with it to make his wife happy. It's real easy for a woman to decide that "We" don't like porn...
I so very much agree with this, let me give you another perspective here... I used to be a "Good girl"- my husband is the most wonderful man -in how he has treated me from day one, I couldn't ask for more... I used to be very " conservatively moral"... guess what.... I thought porn was disgusting - ewweeee, seeing those willys & people going at it like Mad, I couldn't for the life of me think that could turn anyone on. Didn't get it !!!@#$%^ And I used to catch him in the early morning looking at naked women online (solo pics), I even cried a few times thinking "I am not enough for him"....which made him feel terrible. I used to even to tape scriptures to his computer screen about how God feels - I was a pain up the a** really. He would try to stay away for a time but he would fall back into looking, he wasn't going to tell me !!
Here is the fact of the matter, I didn't GRASP the male sex drive, men are very very visual.. It doesn't mean they don't love you, but it sure means they need to hide it like He** - especially if the wife is a moralist who would never stand for it - and feel her husband is slime, belittle him, remind him of their agreement.
Honest to God, mine has NEVER lied to me about anything, but In this area, he did SNEAK... If I outright asked him, he would tell me but he was not going to advertise it. Why should he, so I would start balling and ranting to him. SO I could throw the judgement of God on him. No....we have to be APPROACHABLE with our men, to allow them to speak ...trying to see where they are coming from...to allow them the freedom to feel "safe" in expressing their feelings, all of it. He is going to feel so very uncomfortable doing this with you at this point, he may never open up, which is a shame really .
Because men have 10 times more Testosterone flowing through their bodies (this is our LUST hormone), they near can't help but be drawn to the female form. Blame God for this one, why did he do that!@#$%^&* I have 3 books on my shelf about TEST... the higher a man is in this, almost the more he is DRAWN to it... Thank god your husband is healthy. And if he is not neglecting your sex life, (are you totally satisfied ??), then praise God some more.
Then I got a taste of this.... when I hit my prime a few yrs ago, I started to LOVE Porn, if My husband was against it (I think I would have knocked his head off)... I even started to rent the darn stuff... LOVED it....and here is the kicker... when my sex drive calmed some, so did that intensity to set my eyes on it. Hormones can do this to you... I am living proof... In no way, shape or form did that affect how I felt about my husband, my love for him, he got quite the charge out of me loving porn....and alot more sex... we watched it togehter, had a good ol' time.
I liked it more than him! I have read a number of books on Hormones, how they affect your mind, I don't care how religious and moral you are, those darn hormones are going to have you be attracted and drawn to beautiful nakedness. It is surely an amazing thing. BUt it doesn't mean your husband doesn't love you, isn't attracted to you.
Now if he is masterbating to porn and ignoring your needs, this is another situation all together..
I highly advise you both to order this book ...read it together...
It is about a couple who almost divorced over the PORN issue, but the wife decided to HEAR HER HUSBAND OUT fully.. without putting words in his mouth ..... and he , in turn LISTENED TO HER fully.... I believe in the end, he does give it up (I bought the book out of pure curiosity but never got to the end)... so this book is no way is trying to say.... PORN is OK...that is not the point... the point is Open communication ...understanding one another, listening to each other...
Many loving couples with thriving marraiges enjoy a little porn together, I understand this is not for everyone, but don't think that such couples can't love each other with all that is in them, or think that every man who slips here is not a loving husband -just isn't true, why torment yourself like that.
Listen to your man. Hear him, learn of the male sex drive, it's effects on the brain. Have a little compassion. Harping on him will only get him to sneak, hide, lie and feel ashamed and judged by you.
Women are mentally stimulated, men are visually stimulated. If you refuse to see that or accept that, you have some maturing to do.
The problem here is not WHAT he was viewing, but that he did not have the BALLS to be honest about it. Personally, it's easy for me. I don't lie about anything that my significant other may find important. So, she either realizes I am a man and I get turned on by visions of naked women, and she is confident enough in herself (that's KEY) that it doesn't matter and it's not a threat to her...or she is not. In which case, I've found, insecure women carry so much more baggage that the "battle" over stupid, insignificant things like porn would be the least of my worries.
Then again, I've never chosen porn over my W, so maybe that's where I'm different. Porn addiction can be an issue and is not what we're talking about here. What we're talking about here is a woman who feels that a man looking at any other female is an affront to her. Fine, if that's how you feel, then YOU give up the bullchit, unrealistic romance novels and movies! Just because you don't understand that men are visual (but you do understand it when it suits you, hence the getting all dressed up, makeup, tight clothing to accentuate figure, etc), does not make it wrong any more than the women are wrong for "needing to feel mentally connected" (your partner romatasizing the hell out of you).
Honesty and having the backbone to be a man and not lie are the issues, not looking at "boobies" on the internet. If your "man" can't "man up" and admit to you what virtually EVERY MAN ALIVE does...it's time to look for another "man". Either that or a "mouse" you can browbeat into not being a man (but that will carry a multitude of so many other issues you're screwed anyway). I can look at the hottest, naked women on the planet on the internet. Strange how none of them hold a candle to my "averagely bodied" but yet confident and mature wife.
I LOVE this post, agree 100%.... how many women don't love a HOT romance... They have turned me on so bad - I would chase my husband down, I recall reading a few pages of those books and near be dripping for sex...even in my conservative days. I felt a little 'dirty" reading that smut, but looking back, I think I should have read some more ! If a woman doesn't get turned on by this, I would think something was wrong with her...and yeah, any man who says he is not attracted to the female form is outright lying to save face.
My husband feels exactly like You Donny64..... and I love him for it. He is a lower test guy (I wish his levels were a bit higher darn it )... the day he no longer finds other women attractive, is the day I know he will need Treatment.
I am mentally and visually stimulated, I however prefer to get this stimulation from my partner. Both men and women can choose that if they want.
Saying giving up porn is a sacrifice is ridiculous IMO, this would mean access to porn is a birth right, something men are entitled to and need to function, totally bogus of course, in fact pron has been proven to be very harmful to men and women, it changes the neural pathways in the brain, changes expectations and pleasure receptors, can cause such a myriad of problems.
Men no more have to watch porn then I have to run off with young good looking wealthy men.
A mutually exclusive healthy sex life can be awesome and very satisfying.
Also comparing asking someone to not watch porn and not celebrate Christmas or whatever is ridiculous too, porn is about sex it does harm relationships, it does cause huge marital problems and is bad for self esteem and do so many things to the brain, including interfere with human pair bonding. It can be likened to cheating.
It also doesn't mean you don't notice attractive people etc, it just means you take your energy and focus your sexual energy on your spouse. Simple really. Posted via Mobile Device
I literally laugh out loud EVERY time someone compares porn to romance novels/movies. What a crock of sh!t! If I were ever to read / watch such drivel in the first place, would I be hiding it in my sock drawer? Doubt there'd be a need to do so. However, guys who continuously lie and hide porn use, and withold sex from their partners have a problem. Wish to hell more of you would realize that.
You're not alone, OP; sadly my 48 year old husband is struggling to this day, with a habit he's had for well over 30 years. Thankfully, we're overcoming the problems it has caused in our marriage, and things are getting better everyday. Hang in there.
I literally laugh out loud EVERY time someone compares porn to romance novels/movies. What a crock of sh!t! If I were ever to read / watch such drivel in the first place, would I be hiding it in my sock drawer? Doubt there'd be a need to do so. However, guys who continuously lie and hide porn use, and withold sex from their partners have a problem. Wish to hell more of you would realize that.
Yes - this is true with an outright addiction that has taken someone down. I visited a sex addiction forum for a time, it can be a REAL battle. But it doesn't sound like cookiewarrington's husband has that type of issue at all. He sounds like a man who is afraid to speak how he feels so he has went into hiding.
I am not niave enough to think that PORN is never harmful, there is a balance in all things. Some women browbeat their men over something that isn't much of an issue at all....Life is good.... and some men ought to be LEFT over this issue or in a Sex addiction program at the very least....
And some men can look upon a little porn since they are 11 yrs old (my husband had 300 playboy magazines under his bed)....and never become addicted like that or neglect their wives for a day.....so the issue is not Black and white by any means.
Cookiewarrington will have to decide where her husband falls.....we can only offer up our own stories of marriage & how we delt with the Porn plague. And not all forms of porn are the same either....the more Hard core it is , the more concerning it would be also. My husbands flavor has always been very very tame. I am thankful for this.
I literally laugh out loud EVERY time someone compares porn to romance novels/movies. What a crock of sh!t! If I were ever to read / watch such drivel in the first place, would I be hiding it in my sock drawer? Doubt there'd be a need to do so. However, guys who continuously lie and hide porn use, and withold sex from their partners have a problem. Wish to hell more of you would realize that.
You're not alone, OP; sadly my 48 year old husband is struggling to this day, with a habit he's had for well over 30 years. Thankfully, we're overcoming the problems it has caused in our marriage, and things are getting better everyday. Hang in there.
Compare it to whatever you feel is the female equivalent then. While you yourself may not like romance novels or "chick flicks" many women do. And many women are eager to watch them/read them. There's a reason those things are so popular and it's not because guys are lining up to watch The Notebook.
Now, if you asked those women who do go to suddenly stop watching any movie described as a chick flick, don't you think they'd consider it a sacrifice?
There may be more men who watch porn than women who go to chick flicks, I honestly don't know which is more, but I'd venture to say a lot of women would say being told they can't watch a good romance movie would be unfair and a sacrifice.
Just because to men porn is the equivalent of a romance movie doesn't mean we are lesser people or that our own sacrifice (not watching porn) should be deemed less valuable.
Compare it to whatever you feel is the female equivalent then. While you yourself may not like romance novels or "chick flicks" many women do. And many women are eager to watch them/read them. There's a reason those things are so popular and it's not because guys are lining up to watch The Notebook.
Now, if you asked those women who do go to suddenly stop watching any movie described as a chick flick, don't you think they'd consider it a sacrifice?
There may be more men who watch porn than women who go to chick flicks, I honestly don't know which is more, but I'd venture to say a lot of women would say being told they can't watch a good romance movie would be unfair and a sacrifice.
Just because to men porn is the equivalent of a romance movie doesn't mean we are lesser people or that our own sacrifice (not watching porn) should be deemed less valuable.
Not that I'm into them, but I doubt that chick flicks and romance novels objectify men in quite the same manner that porn does women. I can't remember seeing a chick flick where there's a close up of a man's penis, let alone an ejaculating one, and I doubt that many women use chick flicks or romance novels as tools for masturbation, which isn't the case with porn.
Saying that chick flicks and romance novels are the same as porn is pretty disingenuous, IMO.
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Re: Porn and dishonesty 
)... the day he no longer finds other women attractive, is the day I know he will need Treatment.
