Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Hello,
My husband has done something that has really hurt my feelings. We discussed pornography both before and during our marriage. We both agreed that it was something we would abstain from because of our moral stances. Recently I found a pornographic DVD and magazine in his sock drawer. I am hurt by this for few of reasons. First off he lied to me. If he wasn't going to abstain from pornography he should have been upfront with me. I could handle him having some differing opinions from me, I don't deal well with dishonesty. Secondly during our sexual encounters he would make unsolicited remarks about how he would never want pornography or another woman because I fulfill all his needs and fantasies. I feel humiliated for believing that he felt this away about me. I feel stupid for believing that I was good enough. The third reason I am really hurt is because when I asked him why he turned to pornography his answer was that he is bored with our sex life. I am always introducing new things into our sex life and whenever I ask him what he would like to do or wants me to try his response is always "nothing." I don't understand why he didn't speak up if our sex life wasn't meeting his desires. I don't understand why he did what he did and am having a really hard time moving past the hurt and no longer feel confident in my sexual abilities. Any advice is welcome.
My opinion on the matter is that men should be more up front about their desire to look at porn, and woman should be more understanding about their desire to do so.
'Agreeing' that neither of you would use porn is like 'agreeing' with your preteen that they will never try smoking or drinking. It sounds really good and all, but the chances of it actually happening are practically nil. It's just setting up for a fail.
I'm not blaming you, but just asking an honest question.
Do you provide for an environment where he feels he can change his opinion on something, or bring forward the fact he has desires for pron without getting in trouble?
Maybe he didn't want to hurt your feelings or start an argument and that's why he lied.
I don't think that was right of him to lie, and you should have open and honest discussions on all things in a marriage, so the fault lies with him. I just wonder if there's something preventing him from feeling comfortable about coming forward?
I am always introducing new things into our sex life and whenever I ask him what he would like to do or wants me to try his response is always "nothing." I don't understand why he didn't speak up if our sex life wasn't meeting his desires.
Because he's an jerk. I delt with this in my marriage, also. After I found out that my H had been lying and hiding porn what really hurt was that I had been stressing out about our sex life for months; I had been trying everything to try and spice it up and I got zero input from him. I thought he was just shy or was stressed, or whatever. There was a million excuses and I tried to find a solution to every one of them. Even after I found the porn I tried to incorporate it into our sex life, which didn't work either. The whole time he was just a body taking up space.
It's an extremely humiliating situation to be in. It's not one you would ever think you'd be in with someone who is supposed to love you more then anyone. The best advice I can give you, if you decide to stay in the relationship that is, is don't let him off the hook. No excuses. It doesn't matter if men are supposed to look at porn or not. That is completely irrelevant in your situation. It's also irrelevant if he felt he couldn't tell you. He's not five years old. He put you in an extremely vulnerable situation and lied to you again and again. It's got nothing to do with 'men-should-look-at-porn' and everything to do with how he's showing his love for you. Let him know exactly how he made you feel and don't let him make any excuses.
When I read your second sentence, it reminds me of "We decided we are going to visit my family every Christmas"... Like as in what "We" decided was actually what you (the wife) wanted and the husband just went along with it to make his wife happy. It's real easy for a woman to decide that "We" don't like porn... You really did not have to give anything up while your husband did have to make a sacrifice... So that agreement was not really fair and balanced in that sense... What if your husband wanted to agree that "We" decided to give up giving birthday presents (insert example of something you get pleasure from but he does not that is relevant to your marriage).
Regarding lieing about abstaining from Porn, there is a simple reason for this. He wanted you to think highly of him, stick with him, not reject him. Why did he not want you do do those things? Because he liked or loved you and wanted to keep you. This is not necessarily "right" to lie, but, think through why he would do that.
Now, your husband has responded to you in the dumbest of ways. But the thing is, there is reality and there is fantasy in life. In a fantasy, a man can channel all his sexual thoughts to one woman, and never get sexually bored with that one woman for 5-10-50 years. In reality, humans crave sexual variety and sex does tend to get boring with the same person for years on end in a marriage. This is natural. But does not mean your are not loved or cherished and does not mean that he is subbing porn for the type of fulfillment he gets from you. So your husband said this in a very insensitive way and for this he is an idiot, but I cannot say his feelings about porn or marital sex is abnormal. What he said was hurtful but the underlying reasons are not abnormal.
Why he would not speak up if your sex life was not meeting his desires, is he did not want to hurt you. And you are proving this out by the fact that you are hurt when you hear this.
My advice is your husband is certainly being stupid in the way he is handling this whole situation. But that in no way means he does not value you, desire you and love you. Many of the things he has done point to the fact that he does value you, desire you and love you. I could be wrong, maybe he does have negative feelings for you... .So you should try to have open dialogs with him about these feelings you are having, but take it from me if a man says something to you about how he feels, he means it. So if he says he loves you, values you, finds you sexually attractive, he means it.
My opinion on the matter is that men should be more up front about their desire to look at porn, and woman should be more understanding about their desire to do so.
'Agreeing' that neither of you would use porn is like 'agreeing' with your preteen that they will never try smoking or drinking. It sounds really good and all, but the chances of it actually happening are practically nil. It's just setting up for a fail.
Actually I did agree to never drink while living in my parents home as a teenager and I kept my end of the bargain. I would never agree to do something that I knew I wouldn't . If someone asks me to do something I know I won't I'm upfront about it. I'm learning though that while I grew up in a home where one could afford to be upfront and honest because even though there were consequences, love was never withheld, my husband did not. Although this makes sense in my head it doesn't do much to heal the hurt from being lied to. Thank you for your response. It really wouldn't be so hurtful if he had been honest. I can agree to disagree about pornography. Dishonesty is a different issue.
Porn is one of those things where if you are not keeping him satisfied he is going to look and many guys do look despite lying... I have come to this conclusion, they lie thru their teeth about it. better to just be honest but for some reason some guys refuse to admit it. Does he know you found it? Maybe ask him about it nicely and tell him, you concerns about your own sex life and how you don't have a problem with him going back on it, you wish he told you, however you do have a problem with him holding out on your answers to improving your sex life, and him seeking satisfaction from fake/acting sex.
I'm not blaming you, but just asking an honest question.
Do you provide for an environment where he feels he can change his opinion on something, or bring forward the fact he has desires for pron without getting in trouble?
Maybe he didn't want to hurt your feelings or start an argument and that's why he lied.
I don't think that was right of him to lie, and you should have open and honest discussions on all things in a marriage, so the fault lies with him. I just wonder if there's something preventing him from feeling comfortable about coming forward?
I believe I have provided an environment where it is safe to have disagreements. I'm learning through therapy though that he didn't grow up in an environment like that. I would never get him in "trouble." I don't have authority over him. Your point is valid though. He doesn't feel comfortable because of the enviroment he was raised in. However because I grew up in an environment where people were honest and straight forward even if they disagreed, I have no coping skills for dealing with dishonesty.
Because he's an jerk. I delt with this in my marriage, also. After I found out that my H had been lying and hiding porn what really hurt was that I had been stressing out about our sex life for months; I had been trying everything to try and spice it up and I got zero input from him. I thought he was just shy or was stressed, or whatever. There was a million excuses and I tried to find a solution to every one of them. Even after I found the porn I tried to incorporate it into our sex life, which didn't work either. The whole time he was just a body taking up space.
It's an extremely humiliating situation to be in. It's not one you would ever think you'd be in with someone who is supposed to love you more then anyone. The best advice I can give you, if you decide to stay in the relationship that is, is don't let him off the hook. No excuses. It doesn't matter if men are supposed to look at porn or not. That is completely irrelevant in your situation. It's also irrelevant if he felt he couldn't tell you. He's not five years old. He put you in an extremely vulnerable situation and lied to you again and again. It's got nothing to do with 'men-should-look-at-porn' and everything to do with how he's showing his love for you. Let him know exactly how he made you feel and don't let him make any excuses.
Thank you for your compassion. It feels good to finally have someone understand where I am coming from.
Because he's an jerk. I delt with this in my marriage, also. After I found out that my H had been lying and hiding porn what really hurt was that I had been stressing out about our sex life for months; I had been trying everything to try and spice it up and I got zero input from him. I thought he was just shy or was stressed, or whatever. There was a million excuses and I tried to find a solution to every one of them. Even after I found the porn I tried to incorporate it into our sex life, which didn't work either. The whole time he was just a body taking up space.
It's an extremely humiliating situation to be in. It's not one you would ever think you'd be in with someone who is supposed to love you more then anyone. The best advice I can give you, if you decide to stay in the relationship that is, is don't let him off the hook. No excuses. It doesn't matter if men are supposed to look at porn or not. That is completely irrelevant in your situation. It's also irrelevant if he felt he couldn't tell you. He's not five years old. He put you in an extremely vulnerable situation and lied to you again and again. It's got nothing to do with 'men-should-look-at-porn' and everything to do with how he's showing his love for you. Let him know exactly how he made you feel and don't let him make any excuses.
Something tells me your relationship had bigger issues than porn.
Well, then, if you only want people who agree with you, you should have posted that in your OP.
Look, I know exactly how you're feeling, because I used to feel the same way. And then, after my husband had 'permission' to look at porn and we even did it together quite a bit, what does he do? Goes on line and does it in secret AGAIN and gets himself into all KINDS of crap.
Many people think that porn is a gateway to worse things, and for some men that is very true (my husband included). But I would still never tell him he wasn't allowed to view it. Calling it an agreement or whatever. It's just setting him up to fail, so he knows he has to hide it, then you find it, and this is what happens.
As for not drinking under your parents roof, good for you. You are a very rare breed.
When I read your second sentence, it reminds me of "We decided we are going to visit my family every Christmas"... Like as in what "We" decided was actually what you (the wife) wanted and the husband just went along with it to make his wife happy. It's real easy for a woman to decide that "We" don't like porn... You really did not have to give anything up while your husband did have to make a sacrifice... So that agreement was not really fair and balanced in that sense... What if your husband wanted to agree that "We" decided to give up giving birthday presents (insert example of something you get pleasure from but he does not that is relevant to your marriage).
Regarding lieing about abstaining from Porn, there is a simple reason for this. He wanted you to think highly of him, stick with him, not reject him. Why did he not want you do do those things? Because he liked or loved you and wanted to keep you. This is not necessarily "right" to lie, but, think through why he would do that.
Now, your husband has responded to you in the dumbest of ways. But the thing is, there is reality and there is fantasy in life. In a fantasy, a man can channel all his sexual thoughts to one woman, and never get sexually bored with that one woman for 5-10-50 years. In reality, humans crave sexual variety and sex does tend to get boring with the same person for years on end in a marriage. This is natural. But does not mean your are not loved or cherished and does not mean that he is subbing porn for the type of fulfillment he gets from you. So your husband said this in a very insensitive way and for this he is an idiot, but I cannot say his feelings about porn or marital sex is abnormal. What he said was hurtful but the underlying reasons are not abnormal.
Why he would not speak up if your sex life was not meeting his desires, is he did not want to hurt you. And you are proving this out by the fact that you are hurt when you hear this.
My advice is your husband is certainly being stupid in the way he is handling this whole situation. But that in no way means he does not value you, desire you and love you. Many of the things he has done point to the fact that he does value you, desire you and love you. I could be wrong, maybe he does have negative feelings for you... .So you should try to have open dialogs with him about these feelings you are having, but take it from me if a man says something to you about how he feels, he means it. So if he says he loves you, values you, finds you sexually attractive, he means it.
I do not think you understand what I mean. First of all we did decide it together. Also I was giving up something too. Some girls do like porn and this one likes girl on girl. However, I felt like I gave it up for something greater and haven't regretted it. I never force him into anything. I do not have that kind of power. Also I'm not hurt by the fact that he wasn't 100% satisfied with our sex life. I'm not always satisfied myself, so I voice what I want. I'm hurt that he was dishonest with me about his satisfaction. Especially that he made unsolicited comments about how satisfied he was. I appreciate your desire to help but most of your comments are irrelevant to this situation.
__________________
Can you rokker Romani chib, pal? Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri? I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...
141Likes
Porn and dishonesty 
