CraigN

Hi All,

I am in a bad way here! I need some advice desperately so i'll try to run through any history or details as quickly as I can...

I'm 27, been engaged for just over a year, been seeing my girlfriend, now fiancé for around 9 years on & off - (like, off for a year or more at a time)

Weve lived together for almost 4 years and bought a flat together 3 years ago.

Over the last 3 years things havent been great - sex wise. Its been rare & when we do have sex its sometimes felt kind of awkward, like a first time fumble.

Now since we first met, weve been like animals with each other & it was the same when we got back together the last time & she moved in with me.

Weve had major fall outs every 6 months or so about this & I feel like I'm expecting too much and she promises to make an effort but it never happens. Basically I always initiate things and i get a lot of knock backs or just - uninterested looks. She's put on "some" weight over the last 3 years and I know it gets to her a lot & she is self conscious about it so whenever we try to talk about this she usually puts it down to that but last night....we were trying to get intimate and it just wasnt working, she sat up and told me that she thinks she's not sexually attrcted to me anymore. She wants to end things.

Ive been so upset but I was also really angry that she hasnt tried even talking to me about it first. I mean, just on saturday we went to see a wedding venue & nearly put down a £1000 deposit!!!??

She's now agreed (late last night) that she'll try to work through it or maybe go to counselling but i get the impression that its just delaying the inevitable. that she is only saying she'll try to save my feelings (somehow?)

I know there is no one else...we spend a lot of time together outside each other's work. One problem I feel isnt helping is the whole - home from work - comfies on, tv then bed routine

Also at weekends, i'm a night owl and usually sleep in where as she gets tired around 10pm and gets up early.

I dont know if there is anything else I can say...eh, we had a sort of role reversal when we lived in my flat, before buying a flat together, i dont recall entirely but i think I wasnt interested much in sex because I recently had quite serious surgery to remove a benign tumour behind my right ear (now have a huge scar behind my ear and down my neck)

I want so badly to work this out! we are great together and have so much fun and get on really well - we dont have many hobbies or anything in common but it still works. I dont want to lose her, and I dont want all the mess of this flat we own together. - i get the impression she sees me as more of a best friend now (she doesnt have too many friends herself)

Thanks for any advice everyone

Hicks

I just had this conversation with a friend yesterday. He is divorced. His ex wife started going non sexual with him prior to the wedding. She made the excuse that she was stressed about the wedding. They had a kid, and soon after this his wife started cheating.

Every man I have ever talked to agrees that when they look back on when their wife went non sexual, they should have just told her that if she does not become sexual the relationship is over. And let her make the choice of what to do.

CraigN

Hey, thanks for the quick reply. I can.see that happening and honestly....I've been tempted myself recently. I'd never do anything though. I dunno, she does say she still loves me loads. We still cuddle n kiss.but just no or little sex
I dunno if its more a case of her sex drive disappearing or if am just clutching at straws.
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Hicks

No, her sex drive is not disappearing... Don't go there.
Women's sex drives don't disappear. Her sexual attraction to you has disappeared. Your rationalizing your way into a major mistake.

For her to get her attraction to you back she must know that you will not marry her nor will you stay married to her if she is not sexual with you. This will attract her to you because it portrays that you have strength, confidence and certainty of what you want in your woman. She will work to make sure she is not replaced. She is the one that has to rationalize being sexual (give herself permission)... This is the way it works.

CraigN

See...that might work...but she pretty much tried to end the relationship last night saying "she doesnt want to hurt me", "i (me) deserve better" etc.

I sort of tried to convince her into at least trying to fix things between us.

Also, she has suspected endometriosis about a year back and her doctor put her on a 3month "all hormones off" thing which was like early menopause. she is now off that but i think she's had a rough time with hormones for a couple years - so its a possibility. Though I agree, i feel like am rationalising things

DanG

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DanG

Its been/is a megga **** test. She carrys on because she wants the wedding/image of the relationship - NOT you (as you are). Show your "strength" by indicating your willingness to end the relationship and unwillingness to accept her as she is. Start walking away. Either she will magically heel (and heal) OR you will be saved from the hell of a bad marriage. Either outcome, then do some reading of MMSL and others and learn how to be the man that she needs and (unconsciously) wants.
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WorkingOnMe

Stop making excuses for her. And don't listen to her words. Only listen to her actions.

CraigN

I dunno, Its hard to explain. I think she is right - we get on like best friends.

She tells me that its not all the time she's not interested. I mean its medically proven that women's libido increases with alcohol (i'm sure...) so that explains her frickyness when she's drunk. When we do have sex its usually over quickly - my fault - because it doesnt happen often. she enjoys it though. I think her opinion of herself is a big part of it. On a few occasions when I try to go down on her, she'll stop me. She likes it but she stops me sometimes.

We both know that there isnt much romance anymore as we work and then just watch tv and go to bed during the week. Ive tried a "date night" a few times but the last time when we went to bed it all ended horribly as she "felt too much pressure".

hmm. I'd like to get a woman's perspective on it if there are any about

Interlocutor

I have a feeling the OP is just not getting it.
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CraigN

I'm probably not..

But i don't want to throw away the best & longest relationship of my life over what might be a temporary situation or a hormone problem or something we could have worked through.

You take sex out the equation and everything is great! but alas - you cant take it out the equation can you!

kingsfan

Get out.

You really need to only ask yourself one question; do you honestly see this getting any better after you get married?

Judging by your posts, you seem like you want to convince yourself that it will and that it's your fault or something. It's not your fault. And I think you know the answer to whether or not this will change after marriage.

Do you want to spend the next 50 years of your life trying to figure out something new to try so you can get some from your wife who is supposed to be in tune with you, knowing there is someone much more compatible with you out there someplace? I wouldn't.

I went down your road before man, and it cost me 10 years of my life and a messy divorce.

SadSamIAm

Cancel all wedding plans. Do not get married to this woman while these issues are at play.

If she wants to break up, then break up. Begging and staying when she has told you she isn't attracted to you sexually is a big turn off for her. It will only make you more unattractive.

Leave! This will show you where her head is at. Work on yourself, show her you can and will move on without her. This could very well make her feel attraction for you (strange I know). But do this for yourself. Prepare yourself for a life without her.

If she comes running, be strong. Give her some boundaries in regards to what you expect in a sexual relationship. Get her to agree to see a doctor regarding hormones, etc.

Machiavelli

No, Craig isn't getting the picture.

Women stop being attracted to their husbands (you're shacked up so it's the same thing) at the 4-7 year mark, unless the husband has a strong game or is much higher ranked SMV who gets lots of looks from other women. Even then, women will still have ebbs and flows of attraction and even embark on affairs with lower SMV males. And God help the man whose SMV drops, like Greek god body to George Costanza. In the absence of proof of affair, this is manifested as "loss of libido." Researchers can predict length of relationship based on declining levels of female libido. Their libido goes dormant until the H ups his game, SMV, or another man enters the picture.

"You deserve someone better" means "i'm disloyal and I'm getting or about to be getting it on with somebody other than you who is reawakening by libido when you aren't around."

Get out now.

wiigirl

I don't know if an ultimatum, but you can talk about it....also maybe talk to a counselor if nothing more to get some things to try.