Husband told me my weight gain has turned him off sexually.
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Husband told me my weight gain has turned him off sexually.

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Like Tree17Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 07-04-2012, 01:39 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3
Exclamation Husband told me my weight gain has turned him off sexually.

My husband and I have been together for seven years. In the first 3 years of our relationship we always had a great sex life. We had sex so much, sometimes I would get tired of having sex, but I loved it because I knew he was attracted to me and his eyes were only for me. After that I slowly started to put on weight and now I've gained over 60 pounds. We rarely have sex and everytime I would ask him if it was my weight he would always assure it was not. He has had some testerone issues, but he was prescribed something for it, but never wants to use it. I finally got him to tell me the truth the other day about my weight. He told me a couple of months ago when I was at my peak, (I've lost some weight since then) that my weight did turn him off sexually and that's why we never had sex, but he claims that he realized that he was being shallow and my weight does not affect him anymore. I cried and since then I've been feeling disgusted about myself and I feel like maybe he has cheated, even though he hasn't given me any signs. Since he told me that I don't want to be naked in front of him, eat in front of him, or just anything exposing my body. I feel uncomfortable and really sad that I would turn someone off who was so attracted to me at some point. I feel like a fool now, because I would always say "Are we going to have sex tonight" and he would reply "yes" and all the mean while he was turned off by my weight and we would never do anything. I am asking myself if I can continue to live like this. I love him so much and I know he loves me, but in a marriage you have to be able to keep that spark, and we have zilch, 0, nothing. I'm trying to lose weight and I've lost some, but it's so hard. Someone help me please?
I feel like I'm losing my husband and myself as a person.
MsRedChery is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 07-04-2012, 01:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
kingsfan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,681
Default Re: Husband told me my weight gain has turned him off sexually.

To me, I can see why he didn't come clean right away. If you re-read what you wrote following when he admitted your weight was an issue, it's pretty clear you took the news hard.

Which is fine, but at the same time, why ould he want to tell you that knowing how you'd react. You went into total meltdown. You need to regroup here and get yourself together.

I can pretty much guarantee you he won't find you anymore attractive if you lose all the weight but are an insecure mess. Sit him down, talk to him and just have an open and frank conversation about sex. No expectations, just a discussion about it.

And I'd encourage him to take the testestrone pills. The fact he isn't taking them indicates to me he is comfortable with his life (and sex life) the way it is, so he won't be taking them on his own without some encouragement.

But you need to stay positive and stop with the "cheating" mentality. There's no proof, so don't even go there and further cloud the issue. Get back to the basics, you know he found you hot before, you know you are working your way back to that image and you know he needs some extra testostrone. Deal with those three issues then see what happens.
kingsfan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-04-2012, 02:01 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 41
Default Re: Husband told me my weight gain has turned him off sexually.

Losing weight is tough, but keep in mind that you didn't gain the weight in one weekend, so you're not going to lose it that quickly either. You mention a testosterone issue with your husband -- did he have a low-T reading at the doctors? And is there a reason he doesn't want to use the prescription?

Regarding your weight gain -- was it a result of pregnancy? injury that kept you inactive?

I think you might find that you can regain that spark if you and your husband sit down and plan out a workout schedule. Doesn't have to be anything crazy to start -- even walking for 30 minutes a night -- but it can be very rewarding when the weight starts to come off.
MindOverMatter is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-04-2012, 02:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3
Default Re: Husband told me my weight gain has turned him off sexually.

Thank you. I feel like he does not want to take them because he is not attracted to me anymore. He has erectile dysfunction and he has some issues with it to. He says it brings his pride down, which I can understand. I feel like I've always had an interest to still be sexually active with him even though he has that problem, but he has a problem with my weight gain? It kills me.
I gained the weight being really stressed out and turning to food. He always encourages me to lose weight and tries to make me feel positive, I just feel like when I lose it all, should I just ignore the fact that he was sexually attracted to me when I wasn't at my best?
MsRedChery is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-04-2012, 02:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: WA
Posts: 702
Default Re: Husband told me my weight gain has turned him off sexually.

I'm a woman & I can see where your husband is coming from.
I think that spouses have an obligation to stay fit & attractive to each other, it's what attracted each of them in the first place.
Now, there are some people that it doesn't matter if their SO's gain weight, but they would probably be in the minority.
As painful as it was to hear that your husband lost his attraction to you due to your weight gain, you can do something about this, you can lose the weight.
Of course it's hard to lose, it wasn't exactly easy to put on either, it took time, just as it will take time to lose it.
Get out there & exeercise everyday, eat well & you will see the results of your hard work.
Don't give up if the scale doesn't move for a week or two, it's probably just a plateau.
Through your actions of getting in shape, you will increase your self esteem & also show your husband that his needs are important to you.
Phenix70 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-04-2012, 02:15 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 41
Default Re: Husband told me my weight gain has turned him off sexually.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsRedChery View Post
Thank you. I feel like he does not want to take them because he is not attracted to me anymore. He has erectile dysfunction and he has some issues with it to. He says it brings his pride down, which I can understand. I feel like I've always had an interest to still be sexually active with him even though he has that problem, but he has a problem with my weight gain? It kills me.
I gained the weight being really stressed out and turning to food. He always encourages me to lose weight and tries to make me feel positive, I just feel like when I lose it all, should I just ignore the fact that he was sexually attracted to me when I wasn't at my best?
Is his ED a function of him gaining weight? The biggest factor behind ED is reduced blood flow, which is often accompanied by inactivity/weight gain in males.

And if you don't mind me asking, were you stressed out from your sex life situation? Or was it another driver (work, parents, etc)?
MindOverMatter is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-04-2012, 02:18 PM   #7 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3
Default Re: Husband told me my weight gain has turned him off sexually.

No he actually is still in shape and works out regularly. I was and still am stressed about my sex life. I had other things going on that caused stress, but ultimately our sex life really had me thinking alot and made me really stressed.
MsRedChery is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-04-2012, 02:20 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
kingsfan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,681
Default Re: Husband told me my weight gain has turned him off sexually.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsRedChery View Post
I gained the weight being really stressed out and turning to food. He always encourages me to lose weight and tries to make me feel positive, I just feel like when I lose it all, should I just ignore the fact that he was sexually attracted to me when I wasn't at my best?
Yes and no. On one hand, I think your husband could make more of an effort to be attracted to you. Looks are important, but he didn't marry you for your looks I assume, so unless your personality has changed as well, he should still be attracted to you. On the other hand, he did fall in love with you under one image, and now you have a 60 lb heavier one.

Additionally, I think your husband, if you really cared about you, would start taking the testosterone pills unless he has a good reason not to. It's obvious the sex issue is a big one for you and I think a good husband should try and work through problems to everyone's benefit, not just his own.
kingsfan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-04-2012, 02:24 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 41
Default Re: Husband told me my weight gain has turned him off sexually.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsRedChery View Post
No he actually is still in shape and works out regularly. I was and still am stressed about my sex life. I had other things going on that caused stress, but ultimately our sex life really had me thinking alot and made me really stressed.

I would strongly encourage him to take the testosterone pills. Is he at an age where his T-levels have naturally declined? Seems kind of odd if he does work out regularly that he would need them, but perhaps there is another reason.

And do you have an exercise routine of some sorts? Stress is a killer, and I totally understand turning to food to deal with it. But if you don't exercise regularly, I think you'd be encouraged by how great you'll feel once you start.
MindOverMatter is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-04-2012, 02:26 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 421
Default Re: Husband told me my weight gain has turned him off sexually.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsRedChery View Post

I feel like I've always had an interest to still be sexually active with him even though he has that problem, but he has a problem with my weight gain? It kills me.

I just feel like when I lose it all, should I just ignore the fact that he was sexually attracted to me when I wasn't at my best?
You're treating his sexual attraction as a moral issue.
Why should it be?
He can't help what he's attracted to. This is not something he decided for himself one day to be mean to you.
He's clearly embarrassed.

There's no good guy or bad guy here.
SoWhat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-04-2012, 03:30 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 42
Default Re: Husband told me my weight gain has turned him off sexually.

Society has trivialised weight gain for some time, but it is starting to become clearly visible as a major concern. I blame euphemisms for this... But I digress.

As others have said, weight gain doesn't happen quickly, and neither does weight loss. You didn't wake up one day 60lbs heavier.

One of the first and strongest stimuli to attraction is looks. Well before emotional attachment occurs, physical attraction brings people together. To say that this aspect of a relationship "doesn't matter" or "shouldn't matter" if you "truely" loved someone is pretty closed minded. It might not be a nice thing to hear, I can sympathise with that.

People who are stressed out turn to many things as a pillar of strength. Funny how we as a society condemn those who choose drugs or alchohol, but give people who turn to food and gain weight, which is equally as self destructive, a free pass.

Sorry if I am being hard, I have been in your place. It was only hard words which eventually made me lose the weight.

Don't do it for the sex, do it for yourself. You will gain your confidence and esteem back, and one of the sexiest things around is just that, confidence and self esteem. The sex will surely come afterwards.

Again, sorry for being hard. I hoped this helped a little.
Lone Ranger is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-04-2012, 04:20 PM   #12 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Coffee Amore's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: At the local coffee shop
Posts: 2,806
Default Re: Husband told me my weight gain has turned him off sexually.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsRedChery View Post
Thank you. I feel like he does not want to take them because he is not attracted to me anymore. He has erectile dysfunction and he has some issues with it to. He says it brings his pride down, which I can understand. I feel like I've always had an interest to still be sexually active with him even though he has that problem, but he has a problem with my weight gain? It kills me.
I gained the weight being really stressed out and turning to food. He always encourages me to lose weight and tries to make me feel positive, I just feel like when I lose it all, should I just ignore the fact that he was sexually attracted to me when I wasn't at my best?
We don't have unconditional sexual attraction to our spouses. It's conditional. It's conditional among good hygiene and physical appearance among other things.

I'm a woman and I can understand how hard it must have been for you to hear that from him, and how hard it must have been for him to say it. We all say we want honesty from our spouses, but the truth is sometimes we really aren't willing to hear the honest truth. The truth of what he said stings. But I personally would rather hear the truth than have my spouse make up some other answer to spare my feelings.

I don't think you should blame him for what he said or hold it against him. You asked him a question. You got an answer you probably feared hearing. A sixty pound weight gain is a lot. There's no two ways about it. I put on 35 pounds with one of my pregnancies and THAT was a lot on my average height frame.

The good news is there is something you can do about what your husband said.
It's not like he's asking you to get breast implants or suddenly grow five inches taller or change into a different ethnicity. What he finds attractive is within your control. I fully appreciate that it's not easy to lose weight. I'm on a fitness kick right now and am trying to drop some weight by October 1st. You can do this. Do it for your health and for your self-esteem. I can give you the link to the site (free..they don't sell anything) which is very helpful if you're tracking food and exercise.
Coffee Amore is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 07-04-2012, 10:17 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Caribbean Man's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Caribbean Region
Posts: 10,278
Default Re: Husband told me my weight gain has turned him off sexually.

Excess weight is a libido killer for me. My wife was starting to put on weight and I got her to eat differently and exercise.
I took over the cooking for a while ,and I started going to the supermarket. I used to kill her with chocolates,ice cream and fancy biscuits. I cut out all,and went back to basics. We were able to do it together.
__________________
FITNESS ~ Our Lifestyle.
Something For The Ladies.
....And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music....
Friedrich Nietzsche
Caribbean Man is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-04-2012, 10:25 PM   #14 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 16,582
Default Re: Husband told me my weight gain has turned him off sexually.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsRedChery View Post
No he actually is still in shape and works out regularly. I was and still am stressed about my sex life. I had other things going on that caused stress, but ultimately our sex life really had me thinking alot and made me really stressed.
You don't say how old the two of you are. Age can make a big differrence in a lot of things.

So you neither of you like your weight gain. You have lost more.. keeping doing whatever you are doing to lose the weight.

Find healthy things, besides eating, to do when you feel stressed.

Go for walks.

Get a tredmill, watch a happy TV show and walk. Or get a stationary bike and do this.

When you get within 15 lbs of your old weight, get a makeover and some nice new cloths.

It's the weight he does not like.... but if you lose the weight it's gone.

He likes/love YOU... you are who is under that weight.

Take up pole dancing.. install a pole in your bedroom... (JK.. unless you like the idea)... find something new and sexy to do.

When you lose the weight think of it as taking off a heavy winter coat to reveal the real, sexy you.
__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
EleGirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-04-2012, 10:32 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 421
Default Re: Husband told me my weight gain has turned him off sexually.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post

Take up pole dancing.. install a pole in your bedroom... (JK.. unless you like the idea)...
LOL.
That reminds me of "Hot in Herre" by Nelly: I gotta a friend with a pole in the basement (what?) / I'm just kiddin like Jason (oh) / Unless you gon' do it /

Last edited by SoWhat; 07-04-2012 at 10:39 PM.
SoWhat is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
no attraction, no sex life, weight gain

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Men: Wife weight gain? Lexi The Men's Clubhouse 169 09-27-2013 12:28 AM
Wife's weight gain vicford The Men's Clubhouse 39 11-25-2011 07:17 PM
Weight gain affecting sex? one_strange_otter Sex in Marriage 20 11-07-2011 05:01 PM
My husband told a coworker she was sexy and she turned him on. realistic Coping with Infidelity 59 09-08-2011 05:24 PM
weight gain and sex morticia1217 General Relationship Discussion 5 07-23-2008 09:13 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:40 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage