We haven't had sex in 6 months. This whole no sex thing started with an interesting chain of events. After years of what seemed like explosive sex, (to the point where I couldn't even keep up) we slowed down. First, my wife told me she didn't enjoy sex. She either said it hurts, or I lasted too long, etc, etc. So we tried making changes. We tried different lubes, toys, etc, etc. We enjoyed some, and she seemed to like it, but she still felt "un-horny" most of the time. She wanted to fix this. So she started trying to eat different foods, to no avail. We tried over the counter items. She talked to her doctor, who told her "it's like a muscle and you have to excersize it". After that, she decided we needed to try to have sex every day. No complaints from me.
After that I think she kind of gave up on the whole muscle thing. That's when things stopped. She then tried to switch birth controls. She switched to the Nuva Ring. She was on that for about 5 or so months. Now she has decided to completely stop birth control all together. She's under the impression it might be effecting her overall emotions. She is an EXTREMELY emotionless woman. (comparing to other women I know) She is very tough, and hard. I'm not an emotional person, but I swear she's less than me! I haven't seen her cry in.. I don't know. It's been years I think.
The good news in all that is she at least was trying top find what she needed. Effort is a good sign. Further reading though seems to indicate that she stopped try.
My wife saw a therapist without really giving me reasoning. To be honest, I was very thrown off that she did it without telling me, and wouldn't tell me why. She still hasn't.
If you've read these boards at all, you know communication is a key. My fiancee goes from time to time to a counsellor and discusses problems she has. I don't pressure my fiancee to tell me about anything that does go on, but I also know that if I want to have a rough idea why she was going (stress, our relationship, money, etc.) she'd tell me. I think you have a right to know why she's suddenly started to go, even if all you get is a blanket statement like "I feel stressed and I wanted to vent to a professional."
[QUOTE=weidede2;894367] That's when she started to go over-the-top physical exercise mode. She works out just about every day, twice a day. She runs about 6 miles a day. She's looking great! Which, of course, causes me more frustration. I notice that she has a "better attitude", and seems happier in her non-relationship life. She hangs out with a lot of people, and is very social. [/QOUTE]
Significant change is always a sign of something happening within. There could be a multitude of reasons for this. She could want to boost her self-esteem, she may view her weight as an issue, maybe she's looking out for her long-term health, maybe she likes attention from other men maybe she's having an affair. Or maybe it's another reason altogether, but typically, people don't change their behaviour without a motivating factor or factors behind it. I'd find out what the motivation is behind the workout kick.
Now, that's all fine and dandy, and I'm happy for her, but a part of me is starting to feel kind of rejected. We don't have sex, and any time we hang out, it's with a bunch of other people. I like hanging out with all our friends, but SOMETIMES I wonder why we can't do something alone. We don't go on dates much. She doesn't seem interested in dates. Sometimes I feel like she loves me, but she is kind of over me.
Very legitimate feelings. Sex is an important part of a marriage and if it is being neglected, you are, in essence, being rejected. Your feelings are valid.
That said, you may have hit the nail on the head when you said "Sometimes I feel like she loves me, but she is kind of over me." Harsh, but very possible. To have no emotional or physical attraction at all to your spouse is not a good sign at all.
The sexual frustration messes with my emotions. It makes me angry, and bitter. Especially when it's bed time. I think about what's coming: Nothing. She walks around the apartment in her night clothes, which turn me on sometimes. I become so frustrated and annoyed.
Once again, perfectly normal and justified feelings. When you are wanting and anticipating something from the love of your life and it isn't forthcoming ever, it is fine to feel as you do.
One morning I woke up and I told her how I felt. I broke down in tears. She "held me" and I could tell she felt really bad. She didn't say much. I had to leave for work, so I left. Nothing really changed.
If you can tell she felt bad, why did she not say much? Also, since you don't mention it, I'll assume nothing was discussed after you got home either. So you confessed how you felt, you cried, and all your spouse could do was give you a nice hug for a few minutes? No discussion, no effort to change, no effort to see things from your perspective?
I tried making deals with her. "If you TRY satisfy me in any way at least just ONCE a week, I will do ALL the dishes ALL the time and clean the house." That didn't work, so I just tried doing it anyway, haha. I wanted to make her feel less stressed out about house chores and life.
Trading favors for sex is usually not the way to go as that hardly inspires her to get in the mood. Additionally, when you suggest doing the dishes and cleaning the house for sex, and then clean the house and do the dishes even if you don't get sex, what do you think that reenforces in her mind? I hate to simplify things to much, but think of her as a child. If you told your child to eat their vegetables or they can't go to the movies, but then later you take your child even if he/she didn't eat those vegetables, can you really expect the child to eat those veggies the next time? Just because your wife is an adult does not mean her mind doesn't work in the same manner regarding doing something she doesn't want to do. Now she has no sexual pressure AND all the household chores done? Sounds pretty sweet from her end.
I tried "not caring", and just taking care of myself. Showing that I am independent, and that I am not clingy. I work hard, and I am a man. I hung out with my "boys" and came home and forced myself to act happy and as if I don't care. She likes it when I act happy, but it didn't change her feeling towards sex.
Being happy for yourself is something you should continue to work on, but don't over do it or she won't realize there is a problem. I'd still be sitting her down for a sex talk once a month and reenforcing that this is an issue in the marriage and that while you're not to mop around the house like a lost puppy, you aren't exactly guy smiley at the moment either.
She will make a very small effort to "sexually satisfy me" with her hand, if I ask for it. I hate asking for it, but sometimes I have no choice.
Once again, you have to nearly beg for your needs to get met. Your efforts to act as if nothing is wrong and to do the housework won't change this as she likely thinks this is all that needs to be done.
Anyway, I am trying to set us up with a marriage counselor. It's hard when I have only $200 to my name, and no health insurance. I attend a church that would provide, but that's a whole other story. I think it would make her uncomfortable going to my church where I grew up my entire life to discuss our marriage. A part of me feels like she feels as if it's "my church" and not "ours". Which I understand completely, but the hard thing is that they employ me, and at this point, we need the money. But that's all a side note and not necessarily part of any problem right now.
Who cares where you work? Marriage counselling is private, and your employer has no right to tell you where to go, so go where ever you want. Money being an issue I can understand, but this is about your marriage and as such I'd make an effort to find money in the budget. If she's serious about it, she'll cut her spending too as a means to help pay for it.
As for what to do, I'd go at it three fold initially. First, I'd be doing some investigating. I'm not saying she's having an affair, but there are red flags for it and it's only fair to yourself to investigate whether or not that is a possibility. If there is an affair going, better to find that out now, not six months into counselling.
Assuming their isn't an affair going on, I'd talk with her about it, explain where you are coming from, how you feel and how important sex is to you. Let her comment on things she'd like you to do too and follow through on those.
third, I'd try to get her onboard with the marriage counselling idea. Marriage counselling is an important step to reclaiming a marriage potentially, and in all likelihood won't hurt matters. Even if she just tried it at first.
I'd also sit back after that and allow a few months to go by. If nothing is changing, or she shows no effort to change anything, I'd then sit her down again but this time with an ultimatum. You can decide what that will be, but come ready to back up your position with whatever you decide to do (divorce, leave, sleep in a different room, not doing anything around the house, whatever).