Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Nothing good advice wise to tell you. Just stopped in to let you know I feel your pain. I tried everything to get my husband to understand me sexually and nothing worked.
In my defense I've never had any trouble getting there or having a good time with any of my previous sexual partners. (never told stbx this btw) Which makes it even more frustrating to me. I guess some people can't be taught.
This did effect my marriage and had some influence on my decision to divorce as well.
I do understand that, but when this repeatedly happens (and I have never said anything negative), his lame way of handling (which sometimes ends up being him saying--again--"sorry I AM NOT UP TO YOUR STANDARD")gets old. What "standard"? He is basically implying I have too high of a "standard". I repressed my urges for years because of that.
BTW, in terms of ED, i don't think it's a true case. We have also used Cialis before and got good result, but he does not need it all the time.
Michelle, just a heads up. On THIS board, your not being satisfied by his technique will be seen as your fault. I say that to say, don't put too much stock into everyone's advice, nor give too much info about your husband. Especially if that info is negative, this is a VERY pro-man board (the men andtheb women). You know, their frail egos and all... lol
But my advice would be to actually show him what you like by using his body. Specifically his nipple. Tell him to pretend that his nipple is your clitoris and you're going to show him how you'd like it. Be as gentle as you would want him to be with you. I tried it with my husband and it worked great. And be willing to standup for yourslef, if he says that your standards are too high, let him know that his are probably too low and that it's not that difficult to satisfy you if he'd be willing to listen and learn. I know that the sulking like a child, and the tantrums can be annoying, my husban's a pro, but just try and ignore it. Definitely don't become resentful and angry with him though, apparetly that'a illegal here and is grounds for being totally degraded and insulted. Posted via Mobile Device
Michelle, just a heads up. On THIS board, your not being satisfied by his technique will be seen as your fault. I say that to say, don't put too much stock into everyone's advice, nor give too much info about your husband. Especially if that info is negative, this is a VERY pro-man board (the men andtheb women). You know, their frail egos and all... lol
Not pro-men, just not pro-martyrs who cheat.
Quote:
But my advice would be to actually show him what you like by using his body. Specifically his nipple. Tell him to pretend that his nipple is your clitoris and you're going to show him how you'd like it. Be as gentle as you would want him to be with you. I tried it with my husband and it worked great. And be willing to standup for yourslef, if he says that your standards are too high, let him know that his are probably too low and that it's not that difficult to satisfy you if he'd be willing to listen and learn. I know that the sulking like a child, and the tantrums can be annoying, my husban's a pro, but just try and ignore it. Definitely don't become resentful and angry with him though, apparetly that'a illegal here and is grounds for being totally degraded and insulted. Posted via Mobile Device
This is actually good advice that was given by others. Blind squirrels and acorns I guess.
Michelle, just a heads up. On THIS board, your not being satisfied by his technique will be seen as your fault. I say that to say, don't put too much stock into everyone's advice, nor give too much info about your husband. Especially if that info is negative, this is a VERY pro-man board (the men andtheb women). You know, their frail egos and all... lol
It's certainly your fault if, when asked if there is a problem, you lie and say everything is great.
Not one responder to your post advocated lying to protect your husband's fragile ego. You came up with that all on your own. Posted via Mobile Device
As far as teaching goes, I actually do not know how to teach him to do oral. I have no interest in a lesbian experience and all I know is how I can please myself with fingers. Perhaps I can become that flexible with yoga.
Last week I teased (and tried to give a hint) to my h that I could not find my charger to my Lelo "personal massager" (that thing is crazy. It looks in no way like a vibrator). He said all I think about is sex. Sigh. I hardly even use that thing because it's just not love making. I did try once with him inside me from behind and the vibrator in the front. It was quite good and I need to find the damn charger But my h said he felt a little weird because he got some of the vibes too.
I also try to hint to him nicely about little details--for example, if he can take a meticulous shower because I love to lick him around and INSIDE his backdoor. Thank God he finally heard me on that one. I do not think that's being picky. And I mention these things in the nicest coy and non-demanding tone I can manage...
I do not know if it makes sense to other women, but good sex makes you want more, and bad sex just leaves you....a terrible feeling, still wanting, but it exhausts you.
There's certainly selfishness on his part but I'm inclined to think it's mostly wrapped up in his insecurities. He's blaming you like a child but chances are he most likely would really love to please you. He's on the defense and insecure. I also wonder how this dynamic between you, plays outside the bedroom too.
So where does that leave you?
As you're the one who's posting, it does often come down to suggesting ways you can behave to help bring about a different outcome with your SO. I do think when sex is approached from a more positive and reassuring way (I'm not suggesting reassure what he's currently doing, no!), then progress has more chance of happening. I think sex and ego are very much in bed with one another. It's extremely vulnerable to be so intimate with another and have to strip our egos down to be in that moment. Nurturing that sense of vulnerability, outside of the bedroom too, can assist with having walls broken down inside the bedroom. Does that make sense?
To be treated differently, I think some push-back/boundaries may be needed from you along with a positive, fun and "let's get on the same page" mentality. He will need to step up, it's just you'd be the one initiating the change in dynamic between you.
I mentioned before about going back to basics. I feel the need to write this again. Can you just kiss, flirt and make-out for a while? Do you kiss outside the bedroom?
Ya know Michelle the more I read, the more I think the problem isn't in the technique, it's in the relationship. When there's a good relationship and adequate comfort, it is my experience that you can get enjoyment out of things which create revulsion when there is discomfort in the relationship. I'm getting a sense that there is resentment between the two of you. I think you need to fix that before worrying about what his fingers do to your clit.
__________________
The thread linked below is about as close as I get to my story, it has my posts about the point where I turned my marriage around and on the day my wife was planning to move out, instead we started a new beginning. I've been keeping my updates in this thead as well: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...-sex-life.html
@heartsbeating:
interesting you mention. We rarely, if ever, kiss or flirt outside bedroom. I often approach him and try to kiss him (just on the cheeks) but he brushes me off as "immature" and "inappropriate". I know I know this sounds weird, but he has ALWAYS been like this.
@WILLK:
well, there was resentment before (on my part), it got a lot better and that's why I'm working hard on our sex. Sometimes I feel it's not worth it. We went on vacation recently and things were great without kids around. For a short time we had sex daily, although the technique problem hangs around, I did not mind much and was very happy about our time together. Once we are back he is back to paying all attention to work and kids. It sounds weird a woman is complaining about her h paying too much attention to kids (i swear i gave birth to these suckers ), but it's true I keep telling him our relationship comes first, then everyone around us including kids. He does not quite get that. Of course I have no objection having a great Dad for my kids, but i just want to make time for ourselves.
Basically, I am trying to see if he will get the idea how important it is to have a good sex life. But if he does not, then I will (try to) kick all the passion and desire into storage and carry on normal daily stuff.
Michelle, just a heads up. On THIS board, your not being satisfied by his technique will be seen as your fault. I say that to say, don't put too much stock into everyone's advice, nor give too much info about your husband. Especially if that info is negative, this is a VERY pro-man board (the men andtheb women). You know, their frail egos and all... lol
But my advice would be to actually show him what you like by using his body. Specifically his nipple. Tell him to pretend that his nipple is your clitoris and you're going to show him how you'd like it. Be as gentle as you would want him to be with you. I tried it with my husband and it worked great. And be willing to standup for yourslef, if he says that your standards are too high, let him know that his are probably too low and that it's not that difficult to satisfy you if he'd be willing to listen and learn. I know that the sulking like a child, and the tantrums can be annoying, my husban's a pro, but just try and ignore it. Definitely don't become resentful and angry with him though, apparetly that'a illegal here and is grounds for being totally degraded and insulted. Posted via Mobile Device
I love how you bash this board and its members without giving the true reason why you yourself were bashed (maybe link the thread you started next time) yet immediately offer up some wisdom that was provided to you just a few days ago on this very board from another member.
The members on this board are VERY positive thinking people in general and have been very helpful to me and it appears many others. If you come in with an open mind and willingness to try to work to improve your marriage sexually, this forum is awesome.
It's not so awesome if you come in with a vendetta against your husband and seem bent on demeaning him to a group of anonymous strangers though. I think we know why you don't find this board so awesome.
Last week I teased (and tried to give a hint) to my h that I could not find my charger to my Lelo "personal massager" (that thing is crazy. It looks in no way like a vibrator). He said all I think about is sex. Sigh. I hardly even use that thing because it's just not love making. I did try once with him inside me from behind and the vibrator in the front. It was quite good and I need to find the damn charger But my h said he felt a little weird because he got some of the vibes too.
My fiancee said this was a fantasy of hers for a long time, but she was never with a partner before me who would agree to it. I'll admit I was a bit nervous about it the first time, but one night we went for it and she really enjoyed it. And I was happy for her.
And even though she talked about it for like two years after, it was only about a month ago she did it again, despite my encouragement to try it again, repeatedly.
It seems the focus of this thread is how bad he is in bed. But my question is, how good are you?? As the saying goes, "it takes two to tango" and good lovers always feed off each other and learn from each other. If he is bad in bed it might be a reflection of how bad you are in making love to him. Ever considered that?
As you're the one who's posting, it does often come down to suggesting ways you can behave to help bring about a different outcome with your SO.
I just wanted to emphasize this again, because I am sure it is very tough to come to this board with a problem that your husband has and then get all kinds of responses on what you need to change. Probably seems pretty unfair.
The problem you face is that he isn't posting here. If he was, he would get an earful about what he needs to do to fix his side of the street. But since he is not, we are trying to help you better understand him, as well as comeup with an action plan to encourage him to change. You can't make him, but you can make it easier for him.
In these types of situations, there is often a bad cycle that develops, where neither person wants to make the first move (or does not know how), so they get stuck. It takes one person to break that cycle and reach out. It is hard, it risks hurt, and it may not even work. But it seems to me that it is better than just living the same hurful cycle over and over.
It seems the focus of this thread is how bad he is in bed. But my question is, how good are you?? As the saying goes, "it takes two to tango" and good lovers always feed off each other and learn from each other. If he is bad in bed it might be a reflection of how bad you are in making love to him. Ever considered that?
JR
Obviously I cannot tell u how good I am, but as long as I know, that's fine. I have objective proof on that, but I am being loyal to my h and have no intention to talk to any past lovers about this.
I suppose someone saying "my h sucks" sounds demeaning, but it is out of frustration, if I have said over and over again (always nicely) pinching my nipples hard is uncomfortable and he still does it, and I always tell him touching my hair and kissing me behind ears makes me feel very good, but he still doesn't do them, then i do not know what to do. It's like always following the same recipe. I am a lot more adventurous, but my h does not care about these things. I've been putting on different perfumes ( I used to not wear any) but he does not even notice. He dose see the lingerie (not that old to be blind I suppose), but he proceeds with the same method. I touch him all over to hint that's how I like it, but he still only grabs the breasts and fingers down there. Yeah, frustrating. Posted via Mobile Device
__________________
The thread linked below is about as close as I get to my story, it has my posts about the point where I turned my marriage around and on the day my wife was planning to move out, instead we started a new beginning. I've been keeping my updates in this thead as well: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...-sex-life.html
I agree that some instructional videos and materials might help. I personally like Michael Webb's stuff...he is the guy that comes on Oprah every now and then
11Likes
and all I know is how I can please myself with fingers. Perhaps I can become that flexible with yoga. 
But my h said he felt a little weird because he got some of the vibes too. 
