Husband Says we dont have enough sex
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 04-18-2009, 11:02 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Husband Says we dont have enough sex

I am 30 years old, me and my husband have been together 13 years, married 10. We have 2 boys 11 and 6. We have sex at least 4-5 times a week, sometimes 7! Times we dont have sex its because we are just really tired or we are fighting because we dont have enough enough sex as he says!
he told me last night we dont have enough sex! im like are you serious? when i told him the amount of days in a week we have sex he says yea ok! ... what is the matter with him? if we dont have sex that night we will do it in the morning but its not enough! those are concidered quickies and doesnt count! We have been fighting terribly because of the so called not enough sex! i think allot of men wish there wives had sex like we do but he thinks we have less compared to others! the fights are getting really serious, i am becoming physically and emotionally tired! i am crying more and feeling so insecure with myself. Is it me like he says or is it him?
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Old 04-18-2009, 12:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Says we dont have enough sex

I dont think its just him, or just you. Its a combination of both of you. I dont have a whole lot of advice to offer you b/c i have a lot of issues with sex in my marriage, but I used to do to my H what your H is doing to you; I used to pressure my H for more sex. that did no good at all. who wants to have sex that way?? my H said he just ended up resenting me. For me, I had to learn to chill out and back off. I realized i wasnt enjoying it either. I realized it wasnt that I wanted more sex, i wanted quality sex. i dont know what is going through your H's head, but you just have to keep talking about it and be patient. its a learning process for everyone. that's how im handling it anyway.
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Old 04-18-2009, 12:38 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Says we dont have enough sex

I think Blanca is spot on.

By saying quickies don't count, what your husband might be really meaning, is that he knows the pair of you are capable of scaling the heights of ecstasy, but maybe you're both failing to ignite in the bedroom like you used to.

I too used to complain that we did not do it enough, and in the end my wife kept a log in her diary. It turned out we were doing it quite a lot! However, she was not desperately "hot" for me like she used to be when we first met, and I perceived this as a general lack of sex. But it was the quality that was lacking.

We have been together 20 years, and have now got a sex life that is better than when we started. I found two things needed to be addressed: Resentment in her due to my neglect of her early on in our marriage, and a general "good girl" attitude that had crept in.

The resentment I was able to help with by apologising when I realised my part in it. The other part, only she could deal with, but with time, it all melted away.
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Old 04-18-2009, 01:12 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Says we dont have enough sex

Thanks for the advice and i think you might be right, i was thinking even if it was a quicky he was satisfied until tomorrow and its not about getting off, he loves being with me, he loves every part of me and quickies are fun but its not the same as to taking time with each other and having that special spark and intimacy!
i think i get it now.. i just wish that he understands that we dont have to do it every single day and its ok to miss a day or to... isnt it?
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Old 04-18-2009, 01:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Says we dont have enough sex

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i think i get it now.. i just wish that he understands that we dont have to do it every single day and its ok to miss a day or to... isnt it?
One day I can handle, but after two, I start to get a little twitchy

But you know, when the pair of you have worked through all your baggage, - or better still just dropped it - you will want it more and more. Don't listen to anyone who tells you the passion goes after the first five years. It often does, but with love and skill it can come back even stronger than before.
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Old 04-18-2009, 01:41 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Says we dont have enough sex

of course after 1 day things can get tense but the thing is sometimes its his fault because he comes home from work in a bad mood.. so of course im not going to want to do anything and then he's mad the 2nd day cause we didnt do it the night before! We have allot of love toward each other but sometimes i wish he could see things on my end to! He is very moody!
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Old 04-18-2009, 03:09 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Says we dont have enough sex

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sometimes its his fault because he comes home from work in a bad mood..
One tip I picked up somewhere was to realise that the first 5-10 minutes when a spouse comes in the door after having been out are crucial. Always welcome him with a smile and a hug - it sets the mood for the rest of the evening. If he is grumpy, see if you can hug and smile him out off it. This is one of the simplest and best tips I ever picked up.
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Old 04-18-2009, 03:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Says we dont have enough sex

I do that Every Single day~~!!!!!!!! But he is the 1 that pushes me away!
Trust me, i hate drama, i dont like fighting i am the type of person that if he didnt start the fighting we would never fight !!!!!!!!!!
I can tell you that much! he even has admited to me that he is an a_s...
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Old 04-18-2009, 03:44 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Says we dont have enough sex

Maybe you should take about two weeks or a month and give him all the sex he wants whenever he wants, quality or not quality just satiate him in non-stop sex, sex, sex, sex, until he gets it out of his system. Then after that it will be about quality first.
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Old 04-18-2009, 05:35 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Says we dont have enough sex

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I do that Every Single day~~!!!!!!!! But he is the 1 that pushes me away!
Trust me, i hate drama, i dont like fighting i am the type of person that if he didnt start the fighting we would never fight !!!!!!!!!!
I can tell you that much! he even has admited to me that he is an a_s...
My H and i just did a section in our boundary book about each person being accountable for their own emotions. Its not your job to make him happy on a daily basis. he needs to handle his own daily emotional baggage. If he pushes you away and is moody, let him suffer the consequences of his behavior. Dont rescue him from his own behavior. He'll never heal and become a whole person that way. and that's exhausting for you! but make sure you communicate with him. its important that he knows why you withdrawal, what he can do to fix it, and that you still love him.
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Old 04-19-2009, 04:20 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Says we dont have enough sex

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If he pushes you away and is moody, let him suffer the consequences of his behavior. Dont rescue him from his own behavior. He'll never heal and become a whole person that way. and that's exhausting for you!
What you're saying is true, but sometimes with my wife and I, when one of us is being unreasonably crabby, the other is able to bounce us out of the bad mood with a smile or hug, or even humour.

Also a lot of women get a bit crabby once a month, and it's not really anyone's fault, it's just nature. When I remember to turn up the emotional heat during these times, all goes smoothly. But when I get sucked in and take it personally - UhOh

Men are expected to put up with this monthly behaviour from women. I never thought of this before, but perhaps men coming home from work in a less than joyful mood is the male corollary!
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Old 04-19-2009, 04:45 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default How about if it is the other way around that he more into hand job than sex ?

It is so confusing for me ...

Do I need to leave him for this reason ?

Is it a sign that he has sex outside our marriage ?
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Old 04-19-2009, 07:12 PM   #13 (permalink)
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What you're saying is true, but sometimes with my wife and I, when one of us is being unreasonably crabby, the other is able to bounce us out of the bad mood with a smile or hug, or even humour.
That is true. And i understand what you are saying. I guess in my relationship it gets taken to an unhealthy level, where my H starts to feel resentful because he feels like my bad mood is his fault, and he thinks he needs to fix me. And i start to think he needs to fix my bad mood, and visa versa. And sometimes, i just want to be in a bad mood, and my H actually gets upset that he cant cheer me up. So that's why I say its important to not feel responsible for the other spouses behavior, especially if they are moody and holding the other person accountable for his/her bad mood. Maybe when its less emotionally enmeshed its healthy to try and cheer one's spouse up. Im still trying to figure that part out.
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Old 04-20-2009, 05:07 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Maybe when its less emotionally enmeshed its healthy to try and cheer one's spouse up. Im still trying to figure that part out.
Perhaps the paradox of marriage is this:

We should not expect our partner to make us happy, but we should expect to make our partner happy.

Or to quote a well know phrase: "it is better to give than receive". If both partners try to out-do each other in how much they give, it is a win-win situation.
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Old 04-20-2009, 07:09 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Says we dont have enough sex

My husband recently complained about not getting enough sex and my response to him (after years of this happening) was, "Did you ever wonder why I'm not into having a lot of sex with you?"
"B/C you're an icebox?" was his answer.
I had to take a deep breath to keep from calling him a nasty name,
"No, b/c maybe I'm sick of you getting all the enjoyment while I lie here wondering where my enjoyment is as you roll over and fall asleep. I'd rather not even begin to have sex than end up being dissatisfied each time."

Now I realize that we're supposed to make our own enjoyment, but you know, taking care of myself every time gets kind of tedious when I have a husband who I'd like to share with.

Any suggestions, anybody?
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