Simone25

So my husband is not able to cum through intercourse, no matter what kind. We've been together 8 years and not once has it happened. He does finish himself off at the end when we have sex sometimes, but most of the time he doesn't finish. Its put a major strain on our relationship. For several years I thought he wasn't able to at all until he opened up and told me he could when he masturbated. This of course left me devestated, and feeling useless and unattractive. 4 years later we have a kid (conceived because he finished himself and put it in me to get me pregnant). Things aren't good at all, we rarely have sex, twice a month at a maximum and it's short and not always good. I feel hopeless knowing that it will probably feel like this forever. I don't know if I can take feeling useless to him. The sex is good but I'm always upset after. And I still feel betrayed and can't trust him after finding out that all those times he never did anything with me, he was really mastirbating behind my back and sometimes watching porn. I want this to work bit see no solution. He has stopped masturbating for months at a time and it didn't help. Anyone have any advice? I'm very desperate and love him with all my heart. I don't want to lose him over this.
Posted via Mobile Device

Blanca

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've had problems with sex and porn in my marriage and it left me with a very wounded self-esteem.

I'm reluctant to believe that your H abstained from masturbating for months. I'd take his word with a grain of salt and I'd probably assume he is lying.

It doesn't sound like he wants to change. Maybe if you let him know that you can't live this way he'll start to want to change.

__________________


"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

MindOverMatter

"SOMETIMES watching porn"?

If this guy cannot cum inside you -- and not to be graphic, but there is no better feeling than being inside a woman -- then he's watching A LOT of porn, and there's no way he's going months between viewings.

I've watched porn in the past, but I've never not been able to finish inside my wife. I think you need to have a serious heart-to-heart with this guy and let him know EXACTLY how you feel about this matter. This isn't trivial to you, nor should it be.

Simone25

He has definitely tried. He's gone to a doctor, gone to a therapist, and tried all sorts of remedies and things to try and help. We believe the proble
Is that he masturbated a lot when he was younger, and that he is so used to that type of stimulation that nothing else gets hi
Off, like a mental block. And I know when he watches porn and can honestly say he hasn't in a very long time. I check the computer,etc and he is very open with me. We have had several deep conversations about it and he is just as hurt as I am.
Posted via Mobile Device

Simone25

My issue here is not the porn, I know he doesn't have an addiction to it. He has sworn on our daughters life that it's been months since he's done anything. He is able to masturbate in front of me with no porn on and he does quite easily. So I am not looking for an answer to porn problems here, I'm looking for similar experiences and advice on him not being able to reach orgasm with me. And he hasn't been able to with women in the past either, so I know it's not me, bit very hard for me not to feel unattractive.
Posted via Mobile Device

MindOverMatter

I don't think he could have masturbated any more than the average guy when he was younger. Teenage boys -- and I was one, once -- masturbate pretty frequently.

Glad to hear he has sought medical help for this. Out of curiosity, how is his diet and fitness level?

glitchathon

Have you tried a handjob with a lot of guidance from him? Maybe first understand the physical sensation he needs to get off.
Posted via Mobile Device

MindOverMatter

Simone -- I wasn't trying to address the porn issue. Honestly, a LOT of guys watch porn and have no issues performing with their wives. What's truly baffling is that he can climax that way, but not with you. Trust me, no hand job I have ever given myself has ever felt as good as actual sex with a woman.

I realize it's easy for me to say this, and difficult for you to do, but the issue here clearly is not your level of attractiveness. Your husband truly has a medical (maybe psychological) issue that needs to be addressed, and I doubt it has anything to do with you.

Simone25

Thanks for your input. He tells me that it feels 1000 times better than when he does it himself, but that he gets to a point with MD where he can feel it coming and then it just goes away. So i honestly believe it's mental. He does need more help though. It's just difficult to find a therapist with experience with this, as it is very uncommon at his age. He is 25, he is in good health and slim, but he does smoke cigarettes (daily) and pot (often) and drinks very rarely. He also has a history of bi-polar and was on many meds as a teenager. I don't think his fertility is the issue though as it took one try to conceive our baby, but that might've been luck. I'm just at a loss. We never have sex, and it's because he feels bad that he can't, not just for him, but for me as well. I try to not let him know it bothers me, but I have cried after sex, and tried to hide it. I just know he is never going to want me. He never starts things with me unless he is drunk, he isn't passionate or sporadic. I understand why he isn't but I don't know how to cope.
Posted via Mobile Device

Simone25

We have tried everything, I h e tried several times to give him a handjob bit he doesnt come close. He has me do it a certain way, or guides my hand, but nothing.
Posted via Mobile Device

Joey_

Tell him to hold his breath (do not use any device to cut off his, air, just for him to merely hold his breath) when he is ready to cum. Also, he likely needs to work on his concentration.

You might be able to assist by making the experience as erotic as possible.....perhaps you could watch some porn and learn tricks regarding erotica. Learn what you husband finds hot....what does he think about when he masturbates.

However, as stated by others in this thread, this is your husband's problem.....not yours.

Good luck!

Joey

MindOverMatter

Am I correct in assuming you are roughly the same age? The cigarette smoking isn't doing him any favors, but at age 25, it shouldn't cause him any issues with his libido. The bi-polar meds are troubling, because it's possible they could have done some damage.

Is it possible that he suffered some type of sexual event with either a male or female before you met him? Perhaps a childhood thing?

I feel for you -- life is difficult enough when things are working as they normally should, but this problem undoubtedly has you shaking your head.

Joey_

Optimize Your Orgasms

Simone25

Yes I'm 25 as well. I have no problem with wanting sex, at least I didn't until all of this, which now it just turns me off because I already know the end result. As far as I know he has no trauma or anything like that in his past. We've gone over everything in detail many times. I just have no clue what to do. We have tried soooo many things. Everything previously mentioned and it never helps.
Posted via Mobile Device

MindOverMatter

Unfortunately, even if you get to the underlying reason, your husband's probably going to have an incredibly bad case of performance anxiety.

Can't say I blame you about not wanting sex -- if I knew how the movie ended every time, I wouldn't bother to watch. Hopefully someone with a shared experience can chime in. I sincerely wish I could help, because your frustration comes through in your post. Keep your chin up, because this honestly does not sound like anything having to do with you or your performance.