Effects of threesomes on marriage/relationship
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 07-12-2012, 03:48 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Effects of threesomes on marriage/relationship

One topic that has caught my attention lately in this forum is that of couples that are married or in a long-term relationship considering introducing a third person into their own sexual activity, many times to fulfill a fantasy of one or both partners. I have my own personal theories about what kind of effect this activity can have on a marriage/relationship, but none of this is based on any real empirical evidence or information from couples that have opened themselves up to this. Therefore, I am curious to hear some real life experiences from couples that have actually taken this leap in their relationship. Specifically, was the overall effect on your relationship positive or negative? How has your sex life been since having a threesome? Better? Worse?

Thank you in advance for anything that would help me form a more informed opinion on the matter.

JR
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Old 07-12-2012, 03:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Effects of threesomes on marriage/relationship

Hubby and I threw the idea around before we were married, mostly something he dreamed up, but we both agree now that if we had gone through with it we wouldn't be together today. He still harbours the fantasy (what guy doesn't??) but is smart enough to keep it just a fantasy.
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Old 07-12-2012, 03:52 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I believe the last study I read said 1.6 - 6% of marriages are open, which includes having a threesome or adding a person to your bedroom. 92% of those marriages end in divorce.

In otherwords, a threesome almost certainly will end your marriage. Don't do it.
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Old 07-12-2012, 03:55 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Effects of threesomes on marriage/relationship

Bad Plan

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Old 07-12-2012, 03:55 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Effects of threesomes on marriage/relationship

We did a full swap once with another couple. Does that count? If so let me know I can give you more info. The fact that it was only once should tell you something.

Yes, we're still married.
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Old 07-12-2012, 03:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
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We did a full swap once with another couple. Does that count? If so let me know I can give you more info. The fact that it was only once should tell you something.

Yes, we're still married.
Yes, that is similar to a threesome. Would love to hear what effect it had on your relationship.
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Old 07-12-2012, 04:40 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Effects of threesomes on marriage/relationship

I had the same fantasies that a lot of guys have. I wanted to see my wife with another man. It took literally years to get her to the point of where she would consider this. She loved the bedroom talk but wanted it to stay as just a fantasy. I talked her into going to a swinger's club at one point and we went and met a really nice couple. Over the period of a month we started chatting with this couple together and seperately. That was the fun part. It was like dating again. She and I both enjoyed this. Being able to flirt and talk sexy to other people was just plain fun.

We finally arranged to get together to do a full swap at a local hotel. We were both nervous. Anyway, we swapped partners and made out and had sex. The threesome part is pertinent because at one point all three of us were pleasuring my wife. My wife actually did enjoy this. She loved being the center of all the attention and so many, um, parts of her being pleasured simultaneously was VERY enjoyable to her. It was the only time during the evening that she had an orgasm.

So, why didn't we ever do it again? Well first off, the sex wasn't all that great. I had definately had better sex with my wife than this very attractive woman provided. And she was going all out to try to make me feel good. It just wasn't as good. Same for my wife. We had spent years learning how to make each other feel good, it was kind of devastating for us to realize that no one else could make us feel that way.

Secondly, we felt very guilty about what had happened. We both felt used and dirty afterwards. Even me, the horny guy. I felt dirty. I know what that feels like now. My wife regressed sexually because of the guilt she felt. She didn't want to have those fantasies any longer. She didn't want any toys or anything but me to touch her for years after that.

Lastly, although we dodged the STD bullet, she ended up with the mother of all yeast infections. At one point we thought it was herpes but tests showed it was just a bad yeast infection. So bad that I caught it too! But for a week or so we were trying to figure out how we were going to live with herpes for the rest of our lives.

It has taken almost 10 years but we are in the best of all places. I lost some of her trust that day. I think she wanted me to jealously guard her sexually all our lives and I let her down that day. I gave her to another man and it took her a long time to forgive me for that. It took even longer for her to forgive herself for allowing herself to be given over to another man for his own sexual gratification. She told me she felt I didn't value her enought to keep her for myself. She's right. I didn't. She has finally forgiven herself and I and we are now in a very strong place. I have reassured her that she is a treasure beyond price. She now enjoys threesome fantasies again, fantasies involving other men, etc. But only because I have reassured her that she is mine and I won't allow another man to touch her. She apparently desires that kind of reassurance.

What also helped her is me ultimately getting to the bottom of what was driving me to try to share her. For me it was to try to get her to open up sexually. To have no-holds barred, raw, passionate sex with me. She would always tell me she enjoyed sex with me and she gave me sex whenever I wanted, and even initiated occasionally. But I just wasn't feeling what I wanted from her. I began to think that maybe I just didn't turn her on. I thought that maybe another man could unlock that inner vixen. That if another man mad her feel sexy then I would get to reap the rewards. I just never felt good enough for her. For me, that was the root of trying to get her to bed other men.

It has only been within the last year that our sex life has really taken off. It was several deep heartfelt disucssions I had with her about this that she really opened up. Who knew that deep, emotional sharing, tears from me even, was one of her love languages? I told her I needed to feel that she loved me, all of me, wanted all of me. The night ended with an amazing blowjob. Who knew that was one of my love languages? Well, I guess I knew that.

So we did the whole extra marrital sex thing. Do we wish we had not done it? Well, yes and no. Yes because it really goes against our core values. No because although it is a scar on our marriage, when our marriage healed it was so much stronger. We had tasted others, screwed ourselves up, realized we were all we wanted, and healed... together. I guess for both of us sex isn't just sex.

Your mileage may vary. Thanks for reading.
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Old 07-12-2012, 08:56 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Effects of threesomes on marriage/relationship

Having two women at once is my (and every other guy's) fantasy, but I have to be honest and admit that if it ever happened with my wife and I, it would become a major distraction.

I suppose that if it ever came up, I would roll the dice due to it probably never happening again (and I would hang myself if I turned it down), but I know that I would live to regret it.

It's different if you're dating someone, but the mother of your children is another category entirely.
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Old 07-13-2012, 10:24 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Effects of threesomes on marriage/relationship

Thanks sadc for the very interesting experience of yours. I hope more people can share their own real-life experiences and what effect they had on their relationship or marriage.

JR
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Old 07-13-2012, 10:55 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Effects of threesomes on marriage/relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by J.R.Jefferis View Post
One topic that has caught my attention lately in this forum is that of couples that are married or in a long-term relationship considering introducing a third person into their own sexual activity, many times to fulfill a fantasy of one or both partners. I have my own personal theories about what kind of effect this activity can have on a marriage/relationship, but none of this is based on any real empirical evidence or information from couples that have opened themselves up to this. Therefore, I am curious to hear some real life experiences from couples that have actually taken this leap in their relationship. Specifically, was the overall effect on your relationship positive or negative? How has your sex life been since having a threesome? Better? Worse?

Thank you in advance for anything that would help me form a more informed opinion on the matter.

JR

Are you looking to try it? Or is this book based? Sounds like a book or research paper in the making.
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Old 07-13-2012, 11:02 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Are you looking to try it? Or is this book based? Sounds like a book or research paper in the making.
Yes it is more for my own research as an aspiring marriage counselor. As for trying it, it is certainly something I would have like to have tried back in my college days, had I had the opportunity. But I don't think I would want me and my wife to try something like this. Unless of course someone here convinces me otherwise...but I doubt that will happen

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Old 07-13-2012, 11:22 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Effects of threesomes on marriage/relationship

The problem with a threesome in my view is that you have to objectify the third party or else approach it as a polyamorous relationship. You basically either turn the third party into a living breathing vibrator, or you make them part of your relationship. I don't want a third party as part of my marriage and it's not fair to treat the other person like an object to be used for our gratification. Most guys won't care but I do.
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Old 07-13-2012, 01:03 PM   #13 (permalink)
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My husband and i had a threesome both prior to and after getting married. I would say it impacted our relationship negatively for sure. The other person was a woman and ever since it happened, my husband is very uncomfortable with me having female friends. He's also uncomfortable with me having male friends but i understand that. It just sort of sucks because i feel like i'm not really "allowed" to have any friends now. Which is tough because I'm ill and would really love a support group of girlfriends that i could talk to on my "bad days".

I don't think that threesomes are good for a marriage if either person is already dealing with insecurities or feels unsafe in the relationship.

My husband and i do go to a swingers club when we're feeling frisky or daring. But we only play with one another and i think that's much better.
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Old 07-13-2012, 11:16 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Sandc's story is eye opening. And I can sort of relate to your wife's regression sexually, although my situation is not the same. In a nutshell my current husband used to swing with his ex wife, for 5 years of their marriage, and he didn't tell me about this until recently, which pushed me into a regressive state sexually - all the things we had experimented with, talked about, teased about, all of that went out the window and I froze up. I'm slowly coming out of it, but it's hard.

I know for me that a threesome or swinging in a marriage would be the death of the marriage. But I relate sex to emotions, always have, always will, and I'd feel jealousy that he might have emotions for whatever woman he was with. It's not something I could entertain, but I guess it works for some couples.
I think you are in the majority of women SeaMaiden. I wish I could find the woman on Experience Project who left her husband for the man her husband wanted her to "date." It's a great cautionary story for men who want to make these fantasies become reality. The woman needed to feel a deep emotional connection in order to enjoy the sex she was having with the man her husband picked. She went about building that emotional connection and then left her husband. My wife also needs to feel a deep emotional connection in order to enjoy sex. This is just one of many reasons we will not be doing this again. I could allow her to enjoy sex with others, but I could never EVER share her heart. That would crush me.

We found a win-win compromise for both of us. We bought an ultra-realistic toy. It was molded from some porn star's d!ck. It looks and feels like the real thing. That way I get the visual of her being penetrated by another man, she gets to feel what another man feels like inside her... all without another man. We can now do threesome role play without any of the threesome guilt or baggage and without violating our morals either.
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Old 07-14-2012, 03:30 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Effects of threesomes on marriage/relationship

The only way i see a threesome as a positive thing is when there is absolutely no strong emotions on it. As in no partners have a serious relationship with each other and do it just for the sexual fun. IMO, a marriage that needs a threesome is already dying out.
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