Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I would say my H has always been a beta, and I wanted him to become more of an alpha. Not overpowering his true self, just speaking his opinions more, taking charge of things that are important to him more, telling me what he wants, things like that. I know you can't make someone do this and my previous tactic of just asking him for change didn't work, and wasn't well received. (No matter how I phrased it, he took it as an insult and and became more withdrawn which is opposite of what I wanted. )
So I started thinking less about what I wanted him to do, and more about things I could do for him that were maybe outside of my comfort zone. I was looking for a gesture of good faith and something that might show him that I am willing to work on my faults too.
My husband is not a very vocal guy and I have to listen closely and observe and really tune in to understand what he wants in our relationship. One thing I knew he complained of was that I am not affectionate enough. And I admit it is true (I have even made threads about it before). It just doesn't come naturally to me. So I began to challenge myself to be more affectionate. At first it felt awkward and forced on my end. But I kept it up because I wanted to show him I was trying. His first reaction was "what are you up to?" Not really understanding the sudden change. I kept quiet and just consistently kept it up. Soon it became habit and a lot of the awkwardness fell away. Then eventually it changed from habit to feeling more natural...I craved his touch like he had always told me he had been feeling, I finally had true empathy.
Once the affection was in place smoothly, I began taking it to the bedroom. Nothing crazy, but making sure we didn't go through any long dry spells. My biggest complaint was always that my H never initiated. I didn't understand why. We would easily only do it 1-3 times a month when it was only on my terms. I made sure to start at least once a week. Again at first he was a bit suspicious, but just like the affection it became habit. And then after a few weeks the habit blossomed into a true desire, an awakening on my part.
Then I began to notice something. His attitude in general was changing. He was happier, he was less stressed out, he began opening up to me more, he started taking charge a bit more and he just seemed a lot more confident. He began flirting with me...we haven't done that in years! He started complimenting me more and talking of future things to do together. I realized that indirectly, without ever having to bring it up in a conversation, he was slowly becoming the alpha I wanted him to be. He also began initiating sex and really taking charge in the bedroom which I LOVE.
The other day he came home and TOLD me that he was going to be going to a baseball game with the guys after work one day this week. I know that sounds crazy, but he actually told me - no hemming or hawing, no asking for permission with his head down, no "...if its ok with you." Statements. I was shocked and elated. I know that sounds weird but he had confidence and there was no BS, just a simple statement not to expect him home for dinner that night. I did a double take like who is this guy?!
So here's my point. I wanted to share my story because at least for the moment I genuinely feel like I have unlocked the solution to a problem that has been plaguing us for years.
I would absolutely say to anyone who feels like their other half wants too much sex...just have sex with them. Take the lead, put in some effort and stop complaining, and see where making the first move as a good faith gesture gets you. I am a very verbal, take charge kind of person and was beating my head against the wall dealing with a guy who retreated anytime I tried to discuss a problem. I changed my approach 180 and for the first time shut up, listened, and was patient and I feel like we are finally getting back to where we need to be. I gave my husband the sex and affection he needed, and I am seeing benefits that reach much farther than the bedroom.
We are still a work in progress but we are having sex 5-7 times a week. And I genuinely want him all of those timed, it is not duty sex. I never believed any married couple who claimed to be having that much sex, I thought t was unreal. Now here we are, I never thought this would be us. I hope we can continue thus!
I feel like we we're caught in a negative cycle before, each of us speaking a different language and not communicating effectively. I tried to talk it to death, when my husband needed affection/sex to hear what I feel. Now inadvertently I am feeling like we are in a more positive cycle where doing things for each other and pushing ourselves out of our respective comfort zones is feeding energy for each of us to take it farther. I know that I am able to be more genuinely turned on when he's said a few nice things to me that day or flirted with me a bit.
There's no reason not to take ownership of your own faults and work on doing something for your spouse, even if you feel like they have a laundry list of faults they need to change. Posted via Mobile Device
Great post, my wife needs to read it! It is funny though, when your wife makes you feel wanted and lets you enjoy her body whilst she enjoys yours, it changes your outlook for the better out in the real world, and puts that spring in one's step!
Kudos to you and that's awesome news about your relationship. I hope this continues and both of you maintain a perfect balance for both of you in all of the areas you described. Positive stories are so nice to read around here.
Great post, my wife needs to read it! It is funny though, when your wife makes you feel wanted and lets you enjoy her body whilst she enjoys yours, it changes your outlook for the better out in the real world, and puts that spring in one's step!
I wish there was a way to truly let women understand the full impact of sex on a man, especially mentally and emotionally.
I did the same thing about 6 months ago, and then found the Alpha/Beta thing only about a month ago. I didn't realize what I was doing at the time but I knew it was working. Then I found the MMSL and realized why.
My life is so much better now and my DH is so much happier, outgoing, interactive and engaged with me. Marriage and sex are the best they have ever been. Focusing on me changing my behavior and attitude were the key.
You are onto something, girl.
p.s. just to edit: it wasn't ALL about the sex with us. just about me being more attentive to his other needs like being validated, being a man, having someone who cared about him and listened to him, etc. the sex was always good but adding these others were the key. so just FYI: it's not just "add sex", you gotta have the other stuff too I think!!
Out of curiousity, but how much 'effort' is it for a woman to have sex if she's just 'not in the mood.' Some women seem to make it sound like having sex when they aren't in the mood is akin to doing chores or something. Is it really difficult to get in the mood for your man? I know all womena re different, but I'd like to get a few women's perspective on the issue.
I would say my H has always been a beta, and I wanted him to become more of an alpha. Not overpowering his true self, just speaking his opinions more, taking charge of things that are important to him more, telling me what he wants, things like that. I know you can't make someone do this and my previous tactic of just asking him for change didn't work, and wasn't well received. (No matter how I phrased it, he took it as an insult and and became more withdrawn which is opposite of what I wanted. )
So I started thinking less about what I wanted him to do, and more about things I could do for him that were maybe outside of my comfort zone. I was looking for a gesture of good faith and something that might show him that I am willing to work on my faults too.
My husband is not a very vocal guy and I have to listen closely and observe and really tune in to understand what he wants in our relationship. One thing I knew he complained of was that I am not affectionate enough. And I admit it is true (I have even made threads about it before). It just doesn't come naturally to me. So I began to challenge myself to be more affectionate. At first it felt awkward and forced on my end. But I kept it up because I wanted to show him I was trying. His first reaction was "what are you up to?" Not really understanding the sudden change. I kept quiet and just consistently kept it up. Soon it became habit and a lot of the awkwardness fell away. Then eventually it changed from habit to feeling more natural...I craved his touch like he had always told me he had been feeling, I finally had true empathy.
Once the affection was in place smoothly, I began taking it to the bedroom. Nothing crazy, but making sure we didn't go through any long dry spells. My biggest complaint was always that my H never initiated. I didn't understand why. We would easily only do it 1-3 times a month when it was only on my terms. I made sure to start at least once a week. Again at first he was a bit suspicious, but just like the affection it became habit. And then after a few weeks the habit blossomed into a true desire, an awakening on my part.
Then I began to notice something. His attitude in general was changing. He was happier, he was less stressed out, he began opening up to me more, he started taking charge a bit more and he just seemed a lot more confident. He began flirting with me...we haven't done that in years! He started complimenting me more and talking of future things to do together. I realized that indirectly, without ever having to bring it up in a conversation, he was slowly becoming the alpha I wanted him to be. He also began initiating sex and really taking charge in the bedroom which I LOVE.
The other day he came home and TOLD me that he was going to be going to a baseball game with the guys after work one day this week. I know that sounds crazy, but he actually told me - no hemming or hawing, no asking for permission with his head down, no "...if its ok with you." Statements. I was shocked and elated. I know that sounds weird but he had confidence and there was no BS, just a simple statement not to expect him home for dinner that night. I did a double take like who is this guy?!
So here's my point. I wanted to share my story because at least for the moment I genuinely feel like I have unlocked the solution to a problem that has been plaguing us for years.
I would absolutely say to anyone who feels like their other half wants too much sex...just have sex with them. Take the lead, put in some effort and stop complaining, and see where making the first move as a good faith gesture gets you. I am a very verbal, take charge kind of person and was beating my head against the wall dealing with a guy who retreated anytime I tried to discuss a problem. I changed my approach 180 and for the first time shut up, listened, and was patient and I feel like we are finally getting back to where we need to be. I gave my husband the sex and affection he needed, and I am seeing benefits that reach much farther than the bedroom.
We are still a work in progress but we are having sex 5-7 times a week. And I genuinely want him all of those timed, it is not duty sex. I never believed any married couple who claimed to be having that much sex, I thought t was unreal. Now here we are, I never thought this would be us. I hope we can continue thus!
I feel like we we're caught in a negative cycle before, each of us speaking a different language and not communicating effectively. I tried to talk it to death, when my husband needed affection/sex to hear what I feel. Now inadvertently I am feeling like we are in a more positive cycle where doing things for each other and pushing ourselves out of our respective comfort zones is feeding energy for each of us to take it farther. I know that I am able to be more genuinely turned on when he's said a few nice things to me that day or flirted with me a bit.
There's no reason not to take ownership of your own faults and work on doing something for your spouse, even if you feel like they have a laundry list of faults they need to change. Posted via Mobile Device
AWESOME POST!! What this reminds me of is what my Pastor once told me "The man may be the head of the house but it's the wife is the neck that guides the head". Some women have NO idea how much power they have over their husbands!! But also like Spidey Uncle once said "with great power comes great responsibility"
Out of curiousity, but how much 'effort' is it for a woman to have sex if she's just 'not in the mood.' Some women seem to make it sound like having sex when they aren't in the mood is akin to doing chores or something. Is it really difficult to get in the mood for your man? I know all womena re different, but I'd like to get a few women's perspective on the issue.
I feel your pain, man. They spend hours dedicated to their friends, kids etc, but at the end of a long day, they make it sound as if having a little roll and a bit of carnal pleasure for 15-20 minutes is the worst thing in the world. If they spent a day or two as a frustrated husband, they'd change in an instant!
I wish there was a way to truly let women understand the full impact of sex on a man, especially mentally and emotionally.
This is more then just sex involved, she took a whole new approach on their relationship, not only did sex happen more frequently but he began to emotionally open himself up to her. Not that this is the "cure-all" for every relationship but kag definitely put he work in.
Usually , women , whenever they want sex, even if the men are tired or held up , or not in the mood , they want sex.
If The Men , want it women do not budge and normally Men are more Patient and Less Complaining than Women.
There is a large number of women , who complain on their Men, without understanding that they , The Men are The Active Force, and they are the Passive , Receptive Ones..and The Active Force needs Power and Right Conditions enough, before starting The Activity.
This is more then just sex involved, she took a whole new approach on their relationship, not only did sex happen more frequently but he began to emotionally open himself up to her. Not that this is the "cure-all" for every relationship but kag definitely put he work in.
Oh I know, I was just commenting on the sex aspect of her post.
Speaking as a man, my wife could be as sweet and lovey-dovey as humanly possible and perfect in my eyes in that way, but if the sex doesn't accompany that it really doesn't provide nearly the same level of impact on my well-being. I'd venture the same is true for many men in general.
Out of curiousity, but how much 'effort' is it for a woman to have sex if she's just 'not in the mood.' Some women seem to make it sound like having sex when they aren't in the mood is akin to doing chores or something. Is it really difficult to get in the mood for your man? I know all womena re different, but I'd like to get a few women's perspective on the issue.
Speaking only for myself -
It is not that hard for me to have sex, anytime. And even before in our darker periods we were not completely without sex. For me the problem was that I tend not to separate sex from emotion. If I am carrying around a lot of resentment for H, like we have not been getting along or the resentment I felt after feeling like I asked him to change and he wwasnt getting it...I tend to hold onto that and it will make me less inclined to want sex with him. I understand men don't necessarily work this way.
What I did was realize that instead of holding onto the resentment and waiting forever in a stalemate for him to make the first move, I did something he asked me to do - I was affectionate, I put the resentment aside, I made the first move. I learned to momentarily detach my attitude from my actions. And eventually the resentment lifted. Posted via Mobile Device
It is not that hard for me to have sex, anytime. And even before in our darker periods we were not completely without sex. For me the problem was that I tend not to separate sex from emotion. If I am carrying around a lot of resentment for H, like we have not been getting along or the resentment I felt after feeling like I asked him to change and he wwasnt getting it...I tend to hold onto that and it will make me less inclined to want sex with him. I understand men don't necessarily work this way.
What I did was realize that instead of holding onto the resentment and waiting forever in a stalemate for him to make the first move, I did something he asked me to do - I was affectionate, I put the resentment aside, I made the first move. I learned to momentarily detach my attitude from my actions. And eventually the resentment lifted. Posted via Mobile Device
I think the resentment thing is what usually makes it so the male has to make the first move to change this situation. I'm glad you recognized it and too steps. Congratulations.
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Just do it! 
