Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
So this might be hard to explain but im going to try my best. My husband and I have been married for 9 mos and we dated for 3 yrs before we got married. I've always known he has some phycological issues when it comes to certain things, a lot of anxiety issues, ADD, and deppression when he was younger, but it has come to my attention lately that he has been dealing with something every day for more than 6 mos now, maybe even before we got married. I have always enjoyed masturbating and so does my husband, we have a very healthy sex life and are open about everything. We bought a little vibrator about a yr ago and we use it together off and on, and I sometimes use it when I masturbate. Come to find out it drives him insane that I masturbate and over the course of the last 3 or 4 mos he checks the cabinet multiple times a day to see if I've used it. Now let me explain that he knows that me masturbating should not be an issue and that he should not care when I do it or how often, but it still makes him very angry when he knows I've used it, and he cant help it. He thinks about it literally all day long worries about it constantly and will go out of his way, cancel plans, come home early, whatever to check to see if I've used it that day. We've had many long talks about it and tried to figure out how to get him over this issue but I believe it is a phycological issue and may stem from his upbringing in a VERY religious (I have no issues with religion, just throwing that out there) home and masturbation and pre marital sex were forbidden, and am not sure where to start or how to help. I love him very much he is an amazing husband, very romantic and caring and listens to everything I have to say. We've had our little tizzies and pointless fights but we've also been through a lot of hard times together and I just need some serious advice on what he or I could do to overcome this issue. Professional counseling is out of the question for now, we would like to figure this out together without professional help, but if all else fails we might end up going down that route.
Without know the reasoning why, I suggest it's either a competition thing (if you're using the vibrator you don't want me type of deal) or he's feeling like you need that vibrator to finish the job he couldn't.
Thats the thing... he honestly doesnt know why he gets mad, he cant explain it its just an overwhelming anger that fills him, even though he knows he shouldnt feel that way and there is no reason to get so upset.
And its definitely not a competition thing we have sex almost every night... And not to go into too much detail but im ALWAYS satisfied whenever we have sex (im one if those lucky multi-orgasm girls), he always makes sure of that. I've never faked and he has no fears about that.
I always prefer sex over masturbating, so rarely do I turn down sex, I just do it occasionally when hes not home or I just plain feel like it.
Side note, when he figures out I've masturbated that day, he feels the need to do so himself, kind of like a competition type of thing, and cant explain to me or himself why he feels that way either....
Wait, did you say that he ALSO masturbates? If he masturbates too, then he really has no reason to expect that YOU won't masturbate. Also, tho you have used the vibe in the past, obviously, does he not realize you don't NEED the vibe to get off? I think, considering his history with anxiety and depression, professional help may be what IS needed to get to the root of this. Otherwise, why is it ok for HIM to masturbate, but not YOU? (in his eyes, I mean. I know you are ok with both of you doing it lol) I think this is the big question you need to get answered and work from there.
Thats the thing... he honestly doesnt know why he gets mad, he cant explain it its just an overwhelming anger that fills him, even though he knows he shouldnt feel that way and there is no reason to get so upset.
And its definitely not a competition thing we have sex almost every night... And not to go into too much detail but im ALWAYS satisfied whenever we have sex (im one if those lucky multi-orgasm girls), he always makes sure of that. I've never faked and he has no fears about that.
I always prefer sex over masturbating, so rarely do I turn down sex, I just do it occasionally when hes not home or I just plain feel like it.
Side note, when he figures out I've masturbated that day, he feels the need to do so himself, kind of like a competition type of thing, and cant explain to me or himself why he feels that way either....
I'm going to pull the bull$h!t card here on this. I'll venture he does know why he gets mad, but he either thinks the reason is silly or he's afraid of your reaction to his reason and that's why he won't tell you. Perhaps as well, he doesn't completely understand why he feels what he feels, but he knows what he feels.
When you get mad, you get thoughts in your mind. There's a reason, and it's in his head and for some reason, he's not letting it out.
It very well could be a product of the way he was brought up. Can you get him to talk about his feelings toward his parents and his childhood experiences, and see if anything comes up from that?
Maybe he's just jealous of it. He wants to be the only one giving you pleasure and it drives him crazy knowing that you are getting pleasure else where.
Plus orgasms tend to be stronger when they are further apart. So maybe he figures that since you already got off this afternoon, your orgasm won't be as good with him later.
Everyone is missing the point. He acknowledges that he has no reason to be upset and doesn't know why he's upset. He has a psychological problem here. There's something emotionally that he just can't control. It almost sounds like obsessive compulsive disorder. You don't need couples counseling. He needs to see a mental health professional. I don't say any of this judgmentally. He needs help controlling his obsessiveness over this. That's why these mental health professionals exist.
Theres no way hes lying about this, he knows he can talk to me about anything, no matter what it it, and vis versa. Hes a very insecure n shy person, a lot of it comes from the way he was brought up and his families support structure when he was young. He finally told me about this issue because he knew it was time to tell and it was starting to affect his day to day life, and he wants help controlling/getting over it. Therefore I firmly believe he has no reason to lie and really has no idea why he feels the way he feels, and cant explain it.
I do know he feels a little jealous when I masturbate because of course its a vibrator and not him but he knows it doesnt matter. He knows it should be ok for me to masturbate, whenever and however often I want, but it still bothers him...
C123- Thanks for getting the point...Thats exactly what im afraid of, that this might be something thats going on deep down and we dont have any control of.... But its only been a few days since he told me and we havent really figured out how to approach fixing or helping the issue yet. We were really hoping to figure this out on our own gradually over time... Would love to see a professional but we dont have much extra money or time considering we just bought our 1st house and we both work about 60 hrs a wk..... Anyone have any ideas that might help get him over this? Any thing maybe we can do/discuss... Willing to try anything considering we dont really have a clue as to why he feels this way or how to resolve it....
It very well could be a product of the way he was brought up. Can you get him to talk about his feelings toward his parents and his childhood experiences, and see if anything comes up from that?
Theres no way hes lying about this, he knows he can talk to me about anything, no matter what it it, and vis versa. Hes a very insecure n shy person, a lot of it comes from the way he was brought up and his families support structure when he was young. He finally told me about this issue because he knew it was time to tell and it was starting to affect his day to day life, and he wants help controlling/getting over it. Therefore I firmly believe he has no reason to lie and really has no idea why he feels the way he feels, and cant explain it.
I do know he feels a little jealous when I masturbate because of course its a vibrator and not him but he knows it doesnt matter. He knows it should be ok for me to masturbate, whenever and however often I want, but it still bothers him...
C123- Thanks for getting the point...Thats exactly what im afraid of, that this might be something thats going on deep down and we dont have any control of.... But its only been a few days since he told me and we havent really figured out how to approach fixing or helping the issue yet. We were really hoping to figure this out on our own gradually over time... Would love to see a professional but we dont have much extra money or time considering we just bought our 1st house and we both work about 60 hrs a wk..... Anyone have any ideas that might help get him over this? Any thing maybe we can do/discuss... Willing to try anything considering we dont really have a clue as to why he feels this way or how to resolve it....
First, I agree with Hope. See if you can discuss the family aspect of the situation. See if there is anything in his childhood or even later on which could have caused this.
Second, I do understand the money aspect, as well as the work schedule. Regarding the money tho... what about insurance? Do you have any yet? And, if so, I know the insurance companies my husband, sister, and my parents have used all allowed for a certain number of visits per year, with little/no copay.
Try to see if you can get to the bottom of things yourselves, but call around for prices and to see who takes your insurance, etc... to prepare "just in case".
His up bringing and family history is quite a long story... but in a nutshell is wasnt the best... His mother had him when she was 17, and his father left and didnt come back into the picture until he was 3 or 4, they got married when he was 5. They were not very religious people until he was about 6 when they joined their church and completely tuned their life around from partying and drinking. From there he wasnt allowed to do much of anything, they became very stick and disciplinary. Anything that he did that they didnt like he would be sent to the corner to stand while they yelled at him and called him worthless. This went well into his teen yrs. His mother told him multiple time how she was going to give him away and she didnt want him any more. Like I said religion palyed a big roll in his childhood and teen yrs, masturbation and pre marital sex was obviously not allowed and that was drilled into his head often. There was no positive reenforcement or confidence building at all. Things changed as he has gotten older and he loves his parents now but we both know his upbringing plays a significant roll in his life today, as far as what kind of person he is, along with his anxiety issues. His parents arent as strict with his 2 younger brothers as they were with him, they have relaxed quite a bit. I do believe this all has a huge impact on what is goin on now... just not sure how.
Throw the vibrator away??? NOT as a permanent solution, but you can demonstrate to him that you are truly committed to helping him. Since his troubles seem to run deep, it temporarily removes some of the anxiety and obsession which, in turn, may make it easier for him to open up. And based on your descriptions, this could take a while.
Yes it is a sacrifice, but from your own description, it is not like you'd be going without ANY satisfaction.
Throw the vibrator away??? NOT as a permanent solution, but you can demonstrate to him that you are truly committed to helping him. Since his troubles seem to run deep, it temporarily removes some of the anxiety and obsession which, in turn, may make it easier for him to open up. And based on your descriptions, this could take a while.
Yes it is a sacrifice, but from your own description, it is not like you'd be going without ANY satisfaction.
OR.... if he is unwilling to throw it away because he wants to use it WITH you on occasion, have him put it in a lock box for now, and only he has that key...again, for now. But, I do agree that tossing it and buying another one later once he has gotten himself sorted out might help him see that you are committed to helping him. Sit down and discuss options with him. And build from there.
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Masturbation issue in our marriage 
