Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
View Poll Results: Do chronically refused spouses have the right to cheat?
Do you condone cheating if a spouse willingly refuses sex?
I would like to just get the general board consensus one way or the other.
If one has a spouse who is chronically uninterested in sex, or uninterested in sex specifically with their spouse, and makes no attempts to please their spouse, do you believe that the spouse left behind has the "right" to explore sexual options with other parties outside the marriage?
Re: Do you condone cheating if a spouse willingly refuses sex?
Not really a yes or no question. I don't condone "cheating". I do condone extra marital sex if one spouse refuses, but I only condone it with prior awareness. Not permission, awareness. Basically an ultimatum.
Re: Do you condone cheating if a spouse willingly refuses sex?
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaquen
I would like to just get the general board consensus one way or the other.
If one has a spouse who is chronically uninterested in sex, or uninterested in sex specifically with their spouse, and makes no attempts to please their spouse, do you believe that the spouse left behind has the "right" to explore sexual options with other parties outside the marriage?
No. You do not have the "right" to cheat on your partner. That's cowardly.
What you do have the "right" to do is get a divorce. That takes courage.
Then, in the future, work on yourself and make sure you and your future partner are sexually compatible before you get married again.
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Most of the time when it's men not getting sex, it's because they aren't behaving like men and never did. All my partners have strived to please me, but then again, I would never dream of staying with - letting alone getting married to a person who would not. If you aren't a man who commands respect your wife won't have any for you and won't be attracted to you and won't want to have sex with you.
Re: Do you condone cheating if a spouse willingly refuses sex?
When someone is unhappy in their relationship, they usually have four choices.
1. Do nothing, pretend everything is fine
2. Divorce/split up
3. Determine to work on the marriage
4. cheat
Number 3 is obviously preferred, but unless BOTH partners are willing to work at it, it's doomed to fail. In that case, number 2 is really the only fair option to everyone involved.
These are choices, not RIGHTS. No one has the right to destroy another human being the way cheating on them destroys them.
Re: Do you condone cheating if a spouse willingly refuses sex?
No one at any time has the "right" to cheat. Cheating sucks.
If one person doesn't want sex, but consents to the other partner fulfilling that need outside the marriage, that would be acceptable. But honestly, I can't see that working in all but a few cases.
Not sure why you would WANT to stay in a marriage where one person wasn't being willing to meet the needs of their partner....
Re: Do you condone cheating if a spouse willingly refuses sex?
As someone who was in that exact situation (wife shutting down sex life, and I cheated), my answer is no, I wouldn't condone it. I'd understand the motivation, but it's not a solution. Just leave already.
To me, shutting down the sex life is breaking the "love and cherish" part of the wedding vows. But that doesn't change the fact that ending it before cheating is the right solution. My affairs didn't "fix" anything; they just served to show me how over our marriage was.
Re: Do you condone cheating if a spouse willingly refuses sex?
Quote:
Originally Posted by PBear
As someone who was in that exact situation (wife shutting down sex life, and I cheated), my answer is no, I wouldn't condone it. I'd understand the motivation, but it's not a solution. Just leave already.
To me, shutting down the sex life is breaking the "love and cherish" part of the wedding vows. But that doesn't change the fact that ending it before cheating is the right solution. My affairs didn't "fix" anything; they just served to show me how over our marriage was.
Re: Do you condone cheating if a spouse willingly refuses sex?
I am going with no. Even if it is discussed between you and your spouse, I believe you are potentially damaging any partners you may have. ( This doesn't apply to couples who are swingers, I know there are different rules and expectations there.
Re: Do you condone cheating if a spouse willingly refuses sex?
Why is it called cheating? If your spouse refuses to ever have sex, how is it that you're cheating? Marriage vows are taken as a promise to be true to each other, that you will only have sex with each other. So, if Spouse A removes sex from the marriage, why is it called cheating for the Spouse B to go have sex with someone else? It isn't for one person to decide a life-long sentence for the other person. Spouse A can decide for him/herself never to have sex again, but they have no right to decide that for Spouse B. I'm not saying it's automatic permission. It's something that should be discussed between both parties, or get a divorce. What I want to know is why it's call "cheating." In other words, how can Spouse B mess around on or cheat on Spouse A if Spouse A refuses to have sex?
Trying to figure out how to ask the question, so I'll ask it another way:
If there is no sex in the marriage, how is a person cheating or being unfaithful?
Trying to figure another way to ask the same question:
I just think there should be another word for it because I don't see it as being the same as cheating. Cheating, to me, is going outside the marriage without reason. If Spouse A removes sex, then there is no aspect of sex in the marriage, so who is Spouse B cheating on or being unfaithful to?
It's like saying a person is cheating on their spouse if they talk with other people about their sex life when their spouse won't talk with them about it.
Maybe that's a bad example. I keep trying because I fear I'm not making my point very well or asking the question in the correct context. I'm not trying to say it's right or wrong. I'm trying to say it should be called a different word.
Re: Do you condone cheating if a spouse willingly refuses sex?
I suppose this question assumes that they've tried everything under the sun to discover why the spouse who no longer wants to have sex is feeling that way. Assuming that they've gone to doctors, therapists, had heart to heart talks, looked at their own behavior and its impact on the relationship and nothing has changed, I think the spouses need to renegotiate the marriage.
When you get married where I did, you're asked to forsake all others which means your sexual options are limited as far as partners go. You both understand you can't have sex with other people while you're still married. That means going forward you have sex only with your spouse. The other side of this is each spouse is obligated to provide sex because after all the other spouse has agreed to remain sexually faithful only to them. We get married with the idea of sexual exclusivity with our spouses. Barring any abuse, disability or illness that makes sex impossible, I think it's cruel for one spouse to habitually deny the other spouse sex. Please note, I'm not talking about those days we all have where we're sick or too tired. I'm talking about folks who flat out refuse to have a sex life at all. Sex is part of the deal when one gets married unless you've both decided ahead of time that sex isn't exclusive to the marriage or your marriage is an asexual one. If you haven't agreed to take sex off the table, I can see why someone would leave the marriage because it's not what he or she expected when they got married. I can see how the partner who is constantly refused would feel unloved, unwanted, undesirable. That's dangerous for any marriage. If someone goes into marriage knowing they don't care about sex, they need to either not get married or get married to a like minded person who also doesn't care about sex.
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Do you condone cheating if a spouse willingly refuses sex? 
