Dorothy_Zbornak

Hi All

I'm grateful to have found this site.

I have been married for 9 years to my husband and for the past 5 years, at least, his sex drive has gone from normal to almost nil.

I chocked it up to being recently sober and taking suboxone (2007) - as loss of libido is a large side effect, but now he is on such a low dose that it shouldn't be a concern now.

It has gotten to the point that I am angry and resentful towards him. To me, there is no reason for him to not want to have sex with me.

I am a very sexual person. I have a high sex drive that is not being satisfied

I was hoping to have sex on my birthday in January. Nope.

None on Valentine's Day, either.

I gave him a nice birthday romp on June 29th....he got off. I figured he would "return" the favor later. Nope.

Our anniversary was July 4th - no sex then, either.

I have tried everything. I have hinted, asked, suggested, begged, pleaded - nothing. He always has an excuse to not have sex with me and honestly I'm really getting to the point of just saying "eff it" and divorcing him.

He just isn't interested in sex. I hate that. I feel so lost and unloved and unwanted. And yes, I've told him that - yet he still doesn't have sex with me.

Is there a point where I just give up?

Jamison

Even though he is now on a low dose it could still be affecting him. He needs to discuss it with his doctor. Or you could discuss it with a doctor of yours and at least ask if its possible.

You say there is no reason for him to not want sex. Well....actually, unless you are in his brain and know this 100%, then, its probably best to not say there is no reason. Chances are if its nothing medical and not his medicine then maybe in his mind there is a reason. And yes, he needs to share with you what that reason might be if that is the case.

Dorothy_Zbornak

Thanks Jamison.

I've tried asking him. He always has one excuse or another.

The kids are around. He's tired from working. I went to bed too early....

Even if I've tried to initiate, he gives off strong signals that it isn't going to happen so I just don't even try anymore...

klarson27

My wife and I were in a similar situation.. I had been addicted to porn for quite a long time and was using it instead of seeking sexual satisfaction from her. She started to hang out with a troubled wife who openly admitted cheating on her husband which got me thinking of the possibility of her cheating on me... They were out one night until 3:00 AM together and during that night I couldn't sleep.. I was convinced they were out partying with guys and had a serious look at the situation.

I haven't been hooked on porn since. something about that possibility shocked my system in to only seeking her for sexual pleasure.. We started having sex twice a day for the next several weeks.. It's since tapered down to a couple times a week, but we're both happy with it.

My point is... Find a way to demonstrate your sexuality in a way that he'd find irresistible and also ignite some insecurity in him that may spark new found sex drive in him and possibly refresh your marriage..

Dorothy_Zbornak

Hi klarson -

I am not sure how much more I can do

I have tried sexy talk, sexting - sending him dirty pix of me during the day, I've purchased a new toy that he said that he "couldn't wait" to use with me. It's still in the box.

I don't think he is satisfying himself and I know he's not having an affair. When he's not at work, he's home on the couch watching tv.

He puts more effort into watching television

He is bi-polar and is on medication - and gets evaluated annually for that.

I am just at a loss.

I appreciate your response. I am happy that your relationship has turned around!

Toffer

Another possible issue could be low testosterone

Have his Dr check his levels

Enchantment

I would work to start trying to eliminate possibilities - and the first would be physical. He should go to the doctor for a check-up and discuss this and his medication. If there's a physical issue that's blocking his drive, then that would need to be resolved first.

You'll also have to look at whether there are other emotional or relational issues that are having a negative impact.

You should work first to see if you can pinpoint what may be the cause before you throw in the towel.

Best wishes.

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Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

Mavash.

Translation: He isn't going to change. Doesn't want to change. Isn't interested in change. You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed. His life is working just fine as it is. His needs ARE being met.

The million dollar question is what are YOU going to do about it?

keeper63

^^This.

If he isn't interested in changing, or meeting you in the middle, none of the advice you get here will matter much.

If he is willing to work with you:

1.) Get him to a doctor for a physical work-up, blood tests, etc., to see if he has a legitimate medical issue. He might have low testosterone, or some other underlying physical problem. He might be having trouble with his meds, or he may just be depressed. You need input from a doctor to figure this out.

2.) Barring any obvious medical problem, go see a marriage counselor who has credentials in sex therapy. If he refuses to go with you, then go by yourself, and continue to urge him to go. If he just won't go, that's another strong signal that he just isn't willing to work on the relationship.

3.) Get him up off the couch, and doing something physically active. If he is depressed, this should help, and getting his blood flowing should help his libido as well.

If he is not willing to do anything about it, my advice would be to take some time, and work on yourself, make yourself feel good about what you are doing and see if he reacts positively to this. If he doesn't I would strongly consider ending the relationship.

Dorothy_Zbornak

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses!

Enchantment, he just had his annual physical and besides having to lose weight (doc says 30 lbs) -everything else checked out ok. He didn't have his testosterone levels checked.

He did ask the doc for viagra but he was denied. Doc said to lose the weight and he wouldn't need the viagra.

Toffer - I am going to ask hubs to have his levels checked. I assume its a blood test - right?

Mavash - thank you for throwing it back in my corner. I have been trying to be accommodating to him through this whole thing.

With the addiction/using - I saw him through all of it and encouraged him. He is now 5 years clean and sober.

With the depression, I stay gainfully employed to provide the insurance to give him access to the best doctors to treat him. I also encourage him here, too.

With the weight gain - I gained weight too so we are working together to get the weight off.

The couch surfing that he does, for the most part I allow since he works outside (contractor) and in this heat, I wouldn't expect him to have much energy during the week to perform. So I let it slide.

Right now I'm thinking of writing him a letter and just giving him my feelings and asking HIM to show me that he is dedicated to the relationship. I want HIM to go make the appointment with his doctor. I want HIM to make the appointment with the therapist.

If he shows me that little bit that he wants to help make it work- then we have a chance.

We were in counseling back when he was using and he was a very active participant. We had a wonderful therapist who saved our marriage. I have no doubt that he will want to go again.

Keeper - I hope and pray he wants to make it work. I am a relatively easy keep. I just desire and crave the physical part of marriage.... I want him to be the same.

CallaLily

Sounds like depression to me. It seems he has lost interest in a lot of things other than TV and the channel surfing is probably from boredom.

Have all levels checked. Maybe his medication needs adjusting? Or maybe a switch of meds is needed.

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mattcook

The most common reason for men to have "no drive" is they are masturbating to porn. Most men use porn and some men are fine with it while others get caught up in today's escalating and more extreme porn.

And men also sometimes get erectile problems when they are using porn. And so they fear not being able to stay hard with you and they make excuses.

This not 100% true but it is true more often than not when the man says "no" and turns you down. More often than not.

Dorothy_Zbornak

How would I know if he was using porn? Is there something I could look at on the computer?

I did notice that there is no history on the computer - that is probably a huge sign, right?

I never see him on the laptop - but he could go on after I've gone to bed.....

Any suggestions? Should I just flat out ask him?

mattcook

Yes it's a huge sign. Why remove the history on the browsing sessions unless he is hiding something?

He is probably masturbating to porn when you are asleep or out of the house.

And while to me, that's his business if he wants to do that, it affects you if he claims that he has no sex drive and he really does have a sex drive.

Remember this, though. He may be *afraid* of real sex because he thinks his equipment won't perform.

Porn can often result in erectile dysfunction. A guy senses that he won't get hard.

Plus, porn affects our brain chemistry and we lack interest in our partner. We just can't wait to get back to the endless parade of novel partners on the two D screen.

You've hit on a HUGE problem today that is not being acknowledged in the media at all. It affects so many marriages.

So, what to do? Well you could ask him. He might lie or he might tell the truth.

There is a great website on this that he can go to and learn about, YourBrainOnPorn.com, which is completely non-commercial and has videos that explain how porn is affecting him and what to do about it.

Dorothy_Zbornak

Hmmmm....Ok then. I will have to tread lightly on this then.

I have no opposition to porn or masturbation - he knows this. Back in the day we were known to move beds across the room ;-)

I wonder if he is truly addicted to porn and erases the history to hide the "evidence" from me.

Isn't there some sort of keylogging device I can download to look into that?

It does affect me and I wish he would be honest with me because rejecting me is personal....