moonchild711

Hi everyone,
This is my first post as I just happened upon this site. I am so excited that I found this site and to get feedback from others who are in the same situation... I understand people might be in the same situation but they are individuals with different viewpoints and needs. Just about my entire married life (41 years) I found myself begging for attention, need to feel as though my husband thinks I'm attractive and desires me.I could go on and on. My attempts to solve this has been ongoing... I can't even list the many, many ways I've tried to get him to desire me. Let me start off by saying that I am a very attractive woman. I take pride in my looks and I've been told I look at least 15 years younger than I am. My confidence and self esteem has dropped to the bottom of the barrel. I feel that years of not being desired does a number on you. He tells me every so often that I look good but never ever acts upon it. He does not want an intimate relationship, even though he says he does.. I have to admit I do love him and I know he loves me... I feel like I'm living with a brother rather than a husband. We have tried marriage counseling and also sex therapy. He yeses them in the sessions and does not follow up with any "homework" we might get. I am at my wits end! I do not want to get a divorce but do not know what to do!! I would absolutely love some feedback! Thanks for listening!

PHTlump

Do a search for "thermostat" on this forum.

Your husband is a 'cold' person. You are a 'hot' person. Things are always easier for the cold person. Whatever the general temperature of the relationship, he/she can usually count on the hot person to do all the work.

So, if you want sex twice a week and your husband wants sex once a month, he can just turn you down 9 out of 10 times and still get all the sex he wants. It works for him.

So, to get his attention, you need to match his temperature. If he is cold, then you should be cold too. If he doesn't cater to your needs, then stop catering to his. This isn't really to say that you should stop trying to have sex. Because he doesn't care much about that.

You need to find what he does care about. That's his currency. If he wants you to tell him he's great, then stop doing that. Whatever you do for him, you need to cut it back until you're matching his effort in the marriage.

That will probably get him to take notice. At that point, you can tell him that you'll gladly increase your effort when he increases his. That puts his skin in the game. He then bears half the responsibility for keeping the relationship at his preferred temperature.

Once you've gotten him to increase his effort, then you can go about trying to get him to increase it a little more in certain areas, etc.

Good luck.

Toffer

Welcome to the club moonchild!

Just want you to know you're not alone in this matter.

southern wife

There's 1/2 the battle right there. You need to float back up to the top of the barrel.....where your husband found you in the first place. You need to feel GOOD about yourself. Take a long hot bubble bath.....have a glass of wine.....light some candles.

Go get a manicure and pedicure. Get your hair done........or do something cute/sassy/different with it. Wear some sexy clothes....not s!utty.............but sexy. Wear some cute shoes......show off your pretty pedicured feet. SMILE!!!

You have got to change YOU. You certainly cannot change him.

This is certainly a start...........but then you have to maintain.

Now google "positive affirmations" and read them...........every day! Change those negative thoughts into positive thoughts!

And for heaven sakes, STOP begging for attention. Leave that man alone, and pay attention to yourself......then HE will pay attention to you!

__________________
~~~ SW ~~~
~ A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband. She says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you". Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"...She replies, "It's me ... talking to the wine.

dixieangel

I am sorry. I know exactly how you feel. Communication didn't work and neither did my "reap what you sow" effort. I wish I could offer you advice but all I can offer is empathy.

40isthenew20

I can relate to moonchld's post. I feel that my personal appearance is the best it has ever been and I sure as hell do not mind some nice glances, smiles or compliments on it. Who doesn't? But you know what? I would trade all of them for one from my wife. It's almost as if she holds it against me because I spend time in the gym and have a clean diet.

I feel that my wife looks great, too, and the handful of pounds she gained in the 18 years we know one another is a non-issue. She was a twig when we met and we have two children, so she has done quite well for herself. We used to go to the gym together and I still would do that, but she dropped out.

I always make sure to give her a compliment when she gets her hair done, etc. but I never hear anything along those lines from her. Starts to make you feel like a **** at times. So what I'm doing now is taking the advice from another thread and stopping all the affectionate stuff. Third day and goodbye kisses aside, I haven't touched her, stroked her hair or shoulder once this week. Not sure if she has even noticed yet but after years of the same stuff and arm twisting for sex, I need to make a bold statement.
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Toffer

Be very careful with this approach. I am also doing the same and nothing has changed except for the fact that by doing more and more of my own things, I have started to feel detached from my wife but generally better about myself

It's been about a month since we've had sex so it's not always a good power play.

Sad thing is I'm caring less and less as time goes by

dixieangel

I tried that and lasted about 2 weeks and I don't think he even noticed.

2ntnuf

If you are looking good, doing well, feeling good about yourself, then you feel sexy and want to have that connection with your spouse. Could it possibly be that your spouse does not feel the same way about themselves? If that is the case, all the 'take this away if I don't get that', will only make your spouse feel worse about themselves. They will feel they are not worth your effort. That will cause them to move further away instead of closer. Maybe if your spouse works on making themselves feel important, the problem will resolve itself? Is it worth a try? Maybe there is some counseling they can start with for self worth? Maybe they can learn to do something for themselves that makes them feel like they have accomplished something? I don't think the 'tit for tat' thing works all that well when the two in the relationship are not on the same emotional level. It feels more like punishment. When there is low self-esteem, that punishment feels extremely severe. There has to be another way? I hope.

mattcook

Moonchild, so very sorry you aren't getting your needs met. Read carefully and follow this simple formula and you'll get what you want in spades.

Here's what you do. You make your husband spend 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes at night, snuggling and cuddling with you.

No sex.

Just that.

You can cuddle with him and show him how it's done in case he forgot.

The critical thing is as much skin on skin contact and positive soothing vibes as possible.

Hold hands and gaze into each other's eyes at other times if you can.

It's about that simple.

Now, he won't want to do it. Try to do it watching TV or some other time. Try to do it before he falls asleep. You both naked is best but it works even clothed.

Within two weeks you'll have a different marriage and a different husband. Especially if you avoid any sex for those two weeks.

If he is a very compulsive masturbator, this won't be quite as effective. Has he discussed his masturbation habits with you at all? A lot of guys have ended up getting into high speed video porn and they don't have the desire for their real woman because their brains are de-sensitized due to the high speed video porn. That could be part of his issue.

But this formula works like crazy. It is simple and it is amazing. Try it and let us know how it's going!

40isthenew20

That's one of my concerns in taking this approach. It does feel a little weird making a concerted effort to not do what comes natural to me (and I'm not referring to sex, but rather casual signs of spousal affection).
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Cre8ify

Moonchild--It is good you found this place, it has changed my world and I think you will find answers here.

First off to 40is--I think 52 is the new 20 and this is anonymous so I'll take some liberty. I have tried everything over a two year time period including withholding affection and ignoring her emotional needs. I would caution against it as you are moving apart as a couple. I understand the advice of withholding things in a negotiation but that was a non-starter for us. The spirit that is required to pierce through this is more of a "pay it forward" mentality. Don't think in terms of currency, more in terms of filling your partner up emotionally and that can be a lot of small touches or some big, resounding connections. If you approach each contact with your spouse as a way to give them some emotional support, you will find it to be habit forming and it becomes a lifestyle. It seems like the disappointment of a missed connection is easier to deal with when things are less transactional as sometimes...its nobodies fault if it didn't come together.

I went on a 6 month hiatus just to get my wife's attention. She barely noticed the missing sex but by the end of it we were more distant and I found her to be more receptive to some changes. Whatever currency value she thought she had in her V was up in smoke as I could very well live without it. The question she needed to answer for herself, was would I. If the abstinence desert can be avoided it is a good idea because men are not built for abstinence of that length and there is insomnia and other "congestion afflictions" you don't wish on your worst enemy.

All this time I never asked my wife to make any changes and I think this is important. I was the one wanting to change this element of our relationship and I am willing to own the "action plans". I improved everything about myself as a person, husband and father. I spent more than a year taking fitness to a new level, adding outside activities and contacts, identifying and "more than satisfying" her needs. When you are working on yourself and finding new challenges it results in a surge of energy and that is infectious.

It has been a long haul and we have come together as a couple like never before. That doesn't mean we don't have setbacks, but we talk through them. Those usually relate to her thinking I am asking for her to make some type of change which is why I made the point earlier to focus inward and improve yourself. Pointing a finger at your partner seems like a way to get to defensiveness and denial. My wife probably has no idea what happened and is sure she has some ownership for it by being receptive and trying to say "yes" and I am happy to give her that. She has no idea the breadth and depth of the campaign I launched to attract her back to me it doesn't matter.

Spend as much time together as is possible and shoot for 15 hours per week of couple time. That will include shopping trips, cooking together, walks and all sorts of new ideas like ballroom dancing to get you to the goal. Be hopeful and read all you can and you will find answers. A dose of determination and an unwavering commitment will bring you what you want.

PS--I wouldn't bet against Matt Cook's idea either.

moonchild711

Thanks again for all the feedback! I think some of you misunderstood what I was trying to convey. I am not withholding anything.
I long for a relationship where I feel desired and attractive. He never talks about his feelings. I am an open book as far as how I feel about what it is I want in our relationship and he does not respond to my needs. He tells me that I should know he finds me attractive. How am I supposed to know when I do not feel it and he does not tell me.. He rolls his eyes when I bring it up. I am so frustrated and do not know what else to do..
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Cre8ify

Its counter intuitive but the change came for me when I decided I was prepared to risk it all over it. You need to make it impossible for him to ignore your needs at the risk of losing you. If there are no consequences it will be inertia.

Find new interests without him, maintain an air of mystery about them, live with new energy and vitality.

sharon75

My husband and i have not had sex for 2yrs. I am 36 and we have had problem in the bedroom for about 7 years now my husband has erection problems, i feel unloved and have no pleasure in how i look as i have turned to food. I have no one to speak to as i am so ashamed.