QuietSoul

Hi all.

I would really like some advice from those who have been married for a long time and those who have experienced the same issue.

We are Christians, but neither of us came from a religious background and were not sheltered virgins when we got together. He had a full blown sex addiction when he was younger, and I was promiscuous in my self destruction rampages. When we met, he had alot of recovery and sobriety up, and I had stablised.

So... i have heard it said from the pulpit that "Christians have the best sex". Why? Because it is monogomous, and in life long covenant with eachother and God.
Well, 4 years of marriage and we may as well be platonic. We struggled when we were dating to be pure, then I got on a new medication that absolutely killed it for me. But nevertheless, I made it happen and we had a healthy enough first year. Not long after, hubby had a major bipolar episode and was admitted to hospital involuntarily, and so he got put on heavy duty meds. Since then, sex has just not been happening for us and i'm really worried. I use to ask periodically if he wanted anything and he never felt like it, so eventually I didn't ask anymore.

I always had a fear that this would happen, and I don't know what the answer is. I feel a bit angry because even though I wasn't in the mood alot of times, I still made the effort for him and for our marriage.

Another thing is that more recently, I have had thoughts of other guys. Like the guys at my gym or whoever I find attractive. They are fleeting but seem to stick around for longer than before. It's like I catch myself doing it. I have no emotional connections with any guys, other than of friendship.

What does the sex drought mean? What is the solution, and what will happen if this continues?

So we are probably intimate every six to eight weeks, and when we are intimate, it's usually oral sex. Not that I mind that at all, we both enjoy it, but I don't feel it's the same bonding as with intercourse which is more mutual. we have gone up to 3 or 4 months without any sexual intimacy

the only idea I had was to go to a sex therapist, but the only ones I have heard give advice on tv or trashy mags seem really into incorporating porn and toys, which would not be cool for us
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Cosmos

You mentioned that you were on meds and also that your H was on meds. Are you still on them? Many drugs cause a decrease in libido / ED, and it might be worth having a chat with your doctor about this, as it could just take a slight modification for things to improve for you both. Failing this, counseling could be a good idea.

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mattcook

I do have advice. It's based upon what really works, and brain chemistry, specifically doing pleasurable activities that build up Oxytocin in each of your brains. That is the "Love Hormone" as the media calls it, and it creates great passion, feelings of satisfaction and sexual longing for each other.

The more you study love the more you realize how brain chemistry is everything.

So how do you build up the Love Hormone? It doesn't take long and it's very easy.

What you need to do is a lot of skin to skin contact. 30 minutes of cuddling in the morning, 30 minutes at night is best. Every day. And lots of hand holding, eye gazing, snuggling.

Within a few days you notice a big difference. Within two weeks it is life changing.

How can something this simple work so well? It just does. And you'll begin to have wonderful sex again.

Especially if neither of you masturbate in the meantime. Intercourse with each other is really what you both will crave. It's the bonding that does it, is is nature's most powerful way to build lasting love and passion for each other.

Try it if you can. Even if he doesn't feel like it, it still will work.

Cosmos

I agree that this sort of thing can truly rekindle the bond between two people. Tantric sex techniques can also work wonders in these situations Discovery Health "Part Three"

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WorkingOnMe

I didn't realize it until just now but this could be a big part of what turned us around too. We've been making a point to cuddle every morning and most nights. I can't really prove cause and effect but there does seem to be a correlation. This is another reason I don't like the idea of separate bedrooms for couples.

mattcook

We have a separate bedroom for other reasons (health in our case) and we have the most passionate life imaginable.

We spend time every night together before we go to sleep and also in the morning most of the time too. I love when she wakes up and gets me from my room.

The key is that these bonding things build up the Love Hormone and turn things around. Words are unimportant. This is beyond words. It is the most amazing thing in either of our lives.

It will be in yours too. So simple and so amazing.

QuietSoul

Hi guys.

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.

I thought I would give you an update, I have been reading your responses since I posted.

Last night I was feeling a bit emotional already due to other stuff, and when I got home I asked him if he wanted "something", but as per usual he hesitated and then said maybe later after he did all these other non important house duties plus played guitar for half an hour. So I didn't take that too well, and when we went to bed (as in, going to sleep), I had a cry and we ended up having a really honest talk, I expressed how i'm really scared about the fact it's not happening for us

We have a ways to go, but just wanted to say, we made some cuddle time today, and then we play wrestled and then that lead to some fun :-) I think it helped me be relaxed and feel connected, and when we did it was spontaneous and not planned, like there was no pressure.

Thanks for your advice and hopefully we will keep having success