Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Joe Cool, anytime someone argues with a responders, it sends off "wants to hear what he wants to hear" signals. Yours are coming through loud and clear.
It is HER body. No, you cannot expect a compromise on behaviors that affect her body.
I think the deeper issue is that you define intimacy through sexual contact.
You do not have a "right" to touch her at all. You have the privilege, and there is a big difference. You don't seem to appreciate that.
If you need to feel her up to feel intimate, you honestly might need to find a different woman. This is one of those "no compromise w/o resentment" areas for you, perhaps.
So you have three choices: Get her to a place where she actually enjoys what you want to do; respect her right to control what happens to her body (respect w/o resentment, that is); find a different wife.
You are looking for validation here, but you aren't going to get it, b/c trying to force her to accept "compromise" in this situation is a really, really, really bad idea.
And clearly she is losing interest in you sexually--so think about that. You probably would not have mentioned the decline in sex and her excuses if that wasn't the case.
Edit: you may not think it is sexual b/c you aren't necessarily initiating sex, but c'mon, it's her BREASTS and the only reason they are "intimate" to you is because you feel you are the only one who can touch them (other than her) precisely b/c they ARE part of the sexual anatomy. Geez, splitting hair, dude. Why can't holding her arm do the same thing for ya? Yeah, I thought so.
I graciously take your advice and criticism. I did make the original post, and understood that not all feedback would be necessarily things I wanted to hear.
I probably shouldn't have answered Dan the way I did, but he could have worded his posts a bit better as well in my opinion...
Regardless, I appreciate your feedback, and indeed will be working on a solution to my issue.
I am guessing one of two likely scenarios based on my experiences with my partner.
One she is insecure about her boobs. Like another poster with my partner it's her stomach. If I touch her stomach she feels like I am evaluating its flatness. She's insecure about it and would rather I don't spend time touching it. (Ironically, it's very flat and she has nothing to worry about).
Two, she feels every time you touch her breasts you want to have sex and gets anxious if she's not in the mood. Again, my partner is the same. It seems to help if when I touch her a certain way I state outright whether I'm expecting it to lead to sex or not. It takes some of the spontaneity out of it but if I'm not trying to lead into sex she can just enjoy the caress.
--Sexual fetishism, or erotic fetishism, is the sexual arousal a person receives from a physical object, or from a specific situation. The object or situation of interest is called the fetish; the person who has a fetish for that object/situation is a fetishist. --Remainder of Wikipedia cut and past snipped
The Wikipedia entry that you cut and pasted starts off accurately, but strays into the realm of pop-psychology fairly quickly.
In 2009, Kafka et al proposed combining the two paraphilic categories, (i.e. fetish and partialism) but that never happened and they remain separate and distinct.
For any who are actually interested in how psychologists define and use the term, a clinically correct description is presented here:
I am guessing one of two likely scenarios based on my experiences with my partner.
One she is insecure about her boobs. Like another poster with my partner it's her stomach. If I touch her stomach she feels like I am evaluating its flatness. She's insecure about it and would rather I don't spend time touching it. (Ironically, it's very flat and she has nothing to worry about).
Two, she feels every time you touch her breasts you want to have sex and gets anxious if she's not in the mood. Again, my partner is the same. It seems to help if when I touch her a certain way I state outright whether I'm expecting it to lead to sex or not. It takes some of the spontaneity out of it but if I'm not trying to lead into sex she can just enjoy the caress.
My two cents worth anyhow...
Ya it may be a blend of both in my case. I'm really trying to be more conscientious about it, because I really don't feel entitled to touching them, as sisters359 mentioned. And if it comes down to it, I just will stop entirely.
Oh well, I just wanted to hear different perspectives on the issue. Not looking to validate anything. Sounds like I'm in the minority for feeling the way I do, so I guess I need a bit of self-reflection.
The Wikipedia entry that you cut and pasted starts off accurately, but strays into the realm of pop-psychology fairly quickly.
In 2009, Kafka et al proposed combining the two paraphilic categories, (i.e. fetish and partialism) but that never happened and they remain separate and distinct.
For any who are actually interested in how psychologists define and use the term, a clinically correct description is presented here:
Fetishism falls under the mental-health category of paraphilia, in which a person is (often solely) aroused by a particular object, dynamic or situation. A person who, for instance, must hold a baseball, wear a diaper, be hurt, inflict pain or have a non-consenting partner in order to reach sexual gratification suffers from paraphilia. Pedophilia falls under this category, as well.
Takes All Kinds
Mental health professionals, researchers and even police officers have encountered such fetishes as sneezing, amputated limbs, hearing aids, diapers, pregnancy, defecating, tickling and furry animal costumes.
Fetish : Example
1: Feet
To most people, feet are just, well, feet. They tend to sweat, and can be stinky. They've got callouses, and occasionally a second toe that's oddly longer than the first. For many people, "sexy" they're not.
But to others -- a lot of others -- feet are about the biggest turn-on imaginable. A 2007 study published in the International Journal of Impotence Research found that feet (and their little piggies) were the most highly fetishized body part, with nearly half of the thousands of survey respondents choosing them over all others (and that includes boobs and butts!) [source: Independent].
Why? No one is entirely sure. There are those who believe that feet and genitals are closely connected in brain circuitry [source: Independent]. Others suggest it may simply be that feet lead to legs, and legs lead to genitals [source: ABCNews].
Whatever the cause, feet (and toes and shoes) hold an unmatched rank in the realm of everyday fetishes, and that's just fine. If a man dumps a woman because her second toe is a bit long -- well, that may call for some therapy.
2.Hair
Otherwise, go with what works. Everybody's got their thing.: Hair
It's no secret that hair can be sensual. All those tousled, wind-blown Victoria's Secret models are a pretty big hint. But hair-as-fetish goes beyond the obvious.
This one primarily (but not only) affects men, many of whom like to involve women's hair in the sexual experience in some way, and it can be highly specific. Hair, it seems, can make the woman. Some men are only attracted to women with long blond hair, or curly brown hair or very short hair. There are those who are turned on exclusively by redheads, and others who require the fake, bleached-blond look.
And there are those driven crazy by feeling that hair all over their body.
Women, too, may have their preferences, usually in the facial realm. To some women, sex just isn't sex without some scratchy facial hair in the mix.
It can also be the lack-there-of that gets people going. Rare but still out there, a select group of men find bald women to have an irresistible appeal, and a whole lot of men (and women) enjoy the newly exploded, Brazilian bikini-waxing trend.
Also on the keratin-based-fetish menu? Nails, especially the long, bright-red ones.
fetishism
In psychology, erotic attachment to an inanimate object or a nongenital body part whose real or fantasized presence is necessary for sexual gratification. The object is most commonly some other body part or an article of clothing. From the time of its identification by Sigmund Freud in 1927, fetishism was thought to occur almost exclusively among men, but in the late 20th century that notion was challenged by several new studies.
I wouldn't say you're in the minority. I too love touching my partners breasts. In your case your desire to touch your wife does not line up with your wife's desire to be touched. However it's definitely something worth working together with with your wife to arrive at a compromise that works for both of you. Communication about small issues like this can help with understanding of the bigger issues in your relationship. You can never have too much communication.
Joe, you don't have to stop entirely. You and your wife should take the five languages of love quiz. She may not being feeling loved because you are not expressing it in her language. My spouse is like you, always groping at my breasts and I have told him what your wife told you. That it makes me feel like nothing more then a sex object.
Like another poster suggested, try holding her hand. Tell her you love her eyes, she has a pretty smile, and she is beautiful. Try wrapping your arms around her waste and just holding her. If her love language is something like gifts, try presenting her with a flower or something similiar. Posted via Mobile Device
My wife is petite with medium sized perky breasts.
She's still a little insecure about them,but I ABSOLUTELY love them.
They look flawless to me , and I still get aroused just looking at them.
She doesn't understand how and why.
She's grown to love and crave the attention I give to them.
She walked out of the shower naked [ as she usually does ] earlier this morning, and there I was staring at her breasts......
To the OP,
Never mind if she gets upset,
Tell her you love them because they are a part of her.
My Women like being touched, kissed , caressed and etc in their body parts from head to toe and it is done tenderly and powerfully as needed..and with discernment ..
Hint..
Love has its forms , apply it accordingly, naturally , nurture it, if not,and then be in love, be in life..
Thank you. I'm very aware of the differences between the popular usage of the term in less authoritative sources vs. the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual itself.
I would like to return your attention to the opening paragraph of the Wikipedia article you provided and invite a comment in your own words on two sentences:
"Sexual fetishism, or erotic fetishism, is the sexual arousal a person receives from a physical object, or from a specific situation."
"Arousal from a particular body part is classified as partialism."
Joe please excuse me if you already answered this question, but I'm still trying to process the posts about treating a woman like a child.
Have you shared with your wife the same things you've posted in this thread?
I ask because I wonder if she doesn't understand why you want to touch her breasts.
Thank you. I'm very aware of the differences between the popular usage of the term in less authoritative sources vs. the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual itself.
I would like to return your attention to the opening paragraph in the Wikipedia article you provided and invite a comment in your own words on two sentences:
"Sexual fetishism, or erotic fetishism, is the sexual arousal a person receives from a physical object, or from a specific situation."
"Arousal from a particular body part is classified as partialism."
--Hmm, It is a Matter of Comprehensive n Progressive Knowledge Base...( what I have put forth,you shud read n comprehend The Manual correctly ) and it is not Restricted ...It is Both Comprehensive and Specific...and it edifies people who are restricted in the information.
Dear Friend,
There is Dignity in Intellectual "Battles" provided they are followed with a Comprehensive Knowledge Base and with Acceptance In Objective Realms..
Joe please excuse me if you already answered this question, but I'm still trying to process the posts about treating a woman like a child.
Have you shared with your wife the same things you've posted in this thread?
I ask because I wonder if she doesn't understand why you want to touch her breasts.
We've talked about parts of it. I'm not sure if she knows how frustrated I get sometimes with it, but we have talked about it.
I'm not sure what you mean about the posts about treating a woman like a child though. I wasn't saying that I want that, I was just responding sarcastically to Dan saying: "Treat her as a Child".
We've talked about parts of it. I'm not sure if she knows how frustrated I get sometimes with it, but we have talked about it.
I'm not sure what you mean about the posts about treating a woman like a child though. I wasn't saying that I want that, I was just responding sarcastically to Dan saying: "Treat her as a Child".
Thanks for the feedback.
As was I, .
I would suggest talking to her about EVERYTHING, not just bits & pieces, let her know exactly everything you've shared with us.
Especially the part about wanting to touch her breasts BUT not because you wanted to have sex, I think that maybe crucial.
The reason I suggest that is because it's quite possible that she sees your touching of her breasts as pre-foreplay & it gets her into the wrong state of mind.
For what it's worth, I understand your POV, because my husband is very similar about touching my "twins" I'm even encouraged to go braless around the house.
It was awkward at first, but now it's a lot of fun, for both of us.
154Likes
Re: My wife's breasts.... and me 
( what I have put forth,you shud read n comprehend The Manual correctly ) and it is not Restricted ...It is Both Comprehensive and Specific...and it edifies people who are restricted in the information.
.
