Wife's issues with sex
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 07-29-2012, 10:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife's issues with sex

First off Iím new to this chat room and hope Iím doing the right thing by bring my issues to the internet. Iím really not sure what to do about my situation and am hoping some of you will be able to offer some advice.
Iíll try to keep this short and to the point, but will see.
My wife and I have been married for almost six years. We have children, the youngest is a toddler, and are not planning on having anymore. We are both career oriented and make a comfortable living. We both have had sexual relationships in the past with other partners so itís not like weíre virgins. My wife and I love each other very much and I honestly believe we are best friends and sole-mates. I am very attracted to her and find her very sexy and she says she feels the same way about me. We rarely argue and when we do it is about sex. I want more and she happy with the way it is.
That brings me to the reason for this post. On a scale of 1-10 I would give our sex life a 4. I really think she would give it a 10. Ever since my wife and I have been together she has been a bit dull in the bedroom. We have sex one or two times a week and itís always the same. We get to the bedroom, get in bed, she gets on top most of the time, we do the deed, and thatís it. She doesnít even like to cuddle in the after-glow. Donít get me wrong, the sex we do have is really good. She and I always orgasm at least once so that parts great, but itís always the same. She seems to be very uncomfortable touching me. She doesnít mind when I massage and finger her to get her in the ďmoodĒ but sheís reluctant to massage and touch my penisÖ I would love to go down on her but she wants nothing to do with it. And forget about her giving me a BJ, I canít even bring it up. She doesnít want to try different positions. We only have sex in the bedroom and Iím always the one who initiates it.
Understand that sheís trying. We have had some improvements, but they are very minor. A few nights ago we had a nice long love making session. It was great for the most part. Although the only real improvement I noticed was the longer duration of the sex and she did give me a little bit of a hand jobÖVery little bit. I started to go down on her but she stopped me at the waist line.
This has been fine for now and honestly the sex we do have is really good, but I have found that as our marriage is maturing Iím wanting more out of our sex. For example; more foreplay, different positions, oral, hand jobs, etc. My wife seems to have some issues with these requests although she is trying. She has talked to her doctor about her lack of desire. She has changed her birth control pill hoping different hormones would help the ďmoodĒ. We even read a few books recommended by her doctor. But the progress has been very little. I also recently found out that she had some past relationships that were very abusive, borderline rape in my opinion. She didnít give me a lot of details, honestly I donít know if I want details, but she told me sheíd never talked about it before. This along with a dysfunctional childhood is really making me worried. I donít want to push her, but I have my needs and desires too. So what do I do? Am I wanting too much? Should I back off and just accept her and our love life the way they are? Should we get professional help? I can understand how she has issues with sex, but how can we overcome them? Bottom line, how can I help her become more open minded when it comes to sex, but be loving and supportive, while getting what I want and need? The last thing I want to do is force anything. Sex should be fun. What do I do? Thanks
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Old 07-29-2012, 11:02 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's issues with sex

You can totally overcome it... start with a discussion based on the articles on this site. His Needs-Her Needs-Our Needs site name is weird but it is based on the top 5 needs of a man and the top 5 needs of a woman. Written very greatly! Helped my dh and a couple of our friends out to open communication... Once you get her to recognize, your number one need is sexual.... start some discussions, regularly, like once a week or so, discuss likes and dislikes, maybe there is something in her past, maybe she doesn't know what to do, since you said she has always been like this...
Also you can have her read how to massage, how to give a blow job, etc. But at the same time, be open to pleasuring her in new ways. I found recently an awesome site (google tantric blogspot) it's for beginners, and just read the massage elements, and have her read the penis massage part... it's basically an erotic glorified hand job... but my dh loved it! ANd i had done regular ones before... but it sound slike your wife is a bit inexperienced... despite having past sexual experience, number 1 doesn't mean they were all good for her, number 2 doesn't mean she learned how to please a man, and number 3, most importantly she is not pleasing you.... talk, touch, communicate in different ways. DO NOT back off, this will backfire to her questioning your faithfulness... (most women would agree when a husband suddenly changes behavior its a red flag and our minds go haywire with that tiny change of habit)... Try what I mentioned, just a couple things, evne just doing some new things with her, show her what you like, talk about what you like, but MAKE SURE to ask what she likes, what she doesnt you may be surprised at the answers, I know both my dh and I were and it has made a huge impact on our sex life.
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Old 07-30-2012, 07:01 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I think for things to change, your wife needs to deal with some of her past issues. For lack of a better word, she's got some significant "hang ups" that have nothing to do with a reduced sex drive. They're mental blocks that keep her from enjoying the sexual things you want. And it's not like you're asking for anything really freaky.

As far as you... From the sounds of things, the two of you were likely sexually active before getting married, no? Was she willing to do these things before you got married and they stopped? Or were they never an option?

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Old 07-30-2012, 07:19 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's issues with sex

I totally agree with livelaughlovenowpost above.
From what you wrote she sounds willing but apprehensive.Yes she may have past issues but she also has some present issues.
Child bearing and rearing does quite a number on some females...
Make her more comfortable,talk with her.Don't pressure.
Once she is comfortable she will open up.
Get into her mind,find out what turns her on mentally , [ not what type of touch ,but what ideas / fantasies ] and tell her what turns you on.
You both have careers,and young children are involved. Time could also be a factor. Stop scheduling sex. Instead make the entire atmosphere around the home [ not just the bedroom] conducive to sex, in a way that she can relate to and not the kids. Increase non sexual touches.
Hope this helps.
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Old 07-30-2012, 08:19 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's issues with sex

Birth control pills can lower a woman's drive tremendously. Have you thought about getting yourself fixed? That way she doesn't need BC pills

Secondly, because of your wife's past, I'd suggest individual counseling for her to help her deal with her issues.

Act on this quickly because it will NOT get better with time
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Old 07-30-2012, 08:21 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's issues with sex

You two should consider marriage counseling, it helped my wife with her "hang-ups" and our marriage is much better sexually (and generally) since we did our MC sessions.
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Old 07-30-2012, 08:23 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by keeper63 View Post
You two should consider marriage counseling, it helped my wife with her "hang-ups" and our marriage is much better sexually (and generally) since we did our MC sessions.


Exactly what I was going to say.....counseling.
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Old 07-30-2012, 10:22 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's issues with sex

Before you even mentioned the possibility of sexual assault or child sexual abuse, your description hit some alarm bells. From what you've written I think there is a strong possibility that her hang ups are the psychological side effects of sexual abuse/assault. It is not uncommon for these effects to become worse after having children. It is also common for the woman to be fairly functional sexually and emotionally in her teens and early 20's but then for the problems to start surfacing and get worse.

In my opinion she needs to seek good qualified experienced therapy from a psychologist who specializes (really specializes) in sexual abuse/assault. At least she should have a good evaluation by such a person.

Your wife will have to commit to working through the difficult process of overcoming any abuse/assault if she is going to get any benefit. Just attending therapy isn't enough, she has to really want to do the work.

If you believe she was abused or assaulted, you should read up on it some. A very good book for you is "Haunted Marriage". There are others, but that is where I would start.
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Old 07-30-2012, 10:40 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's issues with sex

It does sound like there may be a lot more hidden here under the surface that would need to be addressed. Agree with Thor totally that she should be evaluated by a counselor who is well-versed in sexual abuse situations.

You might also consider some counseling for yourself as well, so that, whatever comes out of all of this, you can have an outlet and can learn ways to cope.

Do you think that your wife would be willing to see a counselor? Do you think that she sees there being any problem?

As well, from a physical standpoint, her natural libido is likely being suppressed by the hormonal birth control. You may want to also consider getting her off of HBC - it can affect many women's moods as well as their desires.

Best wishes.
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Old 07-30-2012, 10:42 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's issues with sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by livelaughlovenow View Post
You can totally overcome it... start with a discussion based on the articles on this site. His Needs-Her Needs-Our Needs site name is weird but it is based on the top 5 needs of a man and the top 5 needs of a woman. Written very greatly! Helped my dh and a couple of our friends out to open communication... Once you get her to recognize, your number one need is sexual.... start some discussions, regularly, like once a week or so, discuss likes and dislikes, maybe there is something in her past, maybe she doesn't know what to do, since you said she has always been like this...
Also you can have her read how to massage, how to give a blow job, etc. But at the same time, be open to pleasuring her in new ways. I found recently an awesome site (google tantric blogspot) it's for beginners, and just read the massage elements, and have her read the penis massage part... it's basically an erotic glorified hand job... but my dh loved it! ANd i had done regular ones before... but it sound slike your wife is a bit inexperienced... despite having past sexual experience, number 1 doesn't mean they were all good for her, number 2 doesn't mean she learned how to please a man, and number 3, most importantly she is not pleasing you.... talk, touch, communicate in different ways. DO NOT back off, this will backfire to her questioning your faithfulness... (most women would agree when a husband suddenly changes behavior its a red flag and our minds go haywire with that tiny change of habit)... Try what I mentioned, just a couple things, evne just doing some new things with her, show her what you like, talk about what you like, but MAKE SURE to ask what she likes, what she doesnt you may be surprised at the answers, I know both my dh and I were and it has made a huge impact on our sex life.
that is a really good site you linked in here. glad i got to read it!
thanks for sharing...(even though it was meant for OP)
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Old 07-30-2012, 03:28 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's issues with sex

Thanks for the replies and advice. The one really good thing I have going is her willingness to resolve the issues. We have talked about therapy. I would agree we both need it. She has unresolved problems and I have to deal with them.

We have had a few talks about it. She is usually not real excited about the sex talks, but once we break the ice she starts to open up. I have been doing my best to give "positive pressure" and be pro-active. The last thing I want to do is add to the problem.

As for the birth control pills, she says she wants to stay on them. When she hasn't taken them in the past (breast feeding, etc.) her periods were wild and very heavy. Sometimes lasting ten days. Anyways, I'm will to get the ol' snip snip, but she says not too. I don't know, we'll have to talk about it some more.

Thanks for the suggestions and keep them coming. It's nice getting some encouragement on the subject.
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Old 07-30-2012, 03:39 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's issues with sex

If you try counseling, go to a sex therapist. Most sex therapists are qualified as general marriage counselors. But, they have specialized training for sex.

There have been some horror stories on these boards about marriage counselors who dismiss complaints about sex as unimportant.

Good luck.
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Old 07-30-2012, 04:03 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's issues with sex

I would as you get more comfortable with each other approach the abuse subject, she may not need counseling if she just feels she can tell someone and confide in you, when she tells, ask her if she ever told anyone, you may find that she hasn't. IF that is the case, you may suggest counseling, but for me, just being able to tell my husband, and him not judge me, and still love me, and understand, and be gentle and help me re-learn things, and not pressure me with a certain thing that was a trigger, let me go at my own pace, but also research together ways to increase our intimacy etc, I was good after that, just listening was huge, the emotional connection was stronger, etc. I don't know how the end of my post last night disappeared but it did.... wanted to make sure that part got through! (And I didn't need counseling for it) I wouldn't go at her with suggesting counseling right off that bat, that could totally backfire, she already started to open up.... build on that, using the top 5 needs... some of hers are afffection and conversation, she can conversate with you the history, and you can provide the affection and comfort for her to let it out.
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Old 07-30-2012, 08:10 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's issues with sex

Quote:
Quote of 1234
I also recently found out that she had some past relationships that were very abusive, borderline rape in my opinion. She didnít give me a lot of details, honestly I donít know if I want details, but she told me sheíd never talked about it before. This along with a dysfunctional childhood is really making me worried. I donít want to push her, but I have my needs and desires too. So what do I do? Am I wanting too much? Should I back off and just accept her and our love life the way they are? Should we get professional help? I can understand how she has issues with sex, but how can we overcome them? Bottom line, how can I help her become more open minded when it comes to sex, but be loving and supportive, while getting what I want and need? The last thing I want to do is force anything. Sex should be fun. What do I do? Thanks



Quote of LiveLaughLoveNow (LLLN)j
Just being able to tell my husband, and him not judge me, and still love me, and understand, and be gentle and help me re-learn things, and not pressure me with a certain thing that was a trigger, let me go at my own pace, but also research together ways to increase our intimacy etc, I was good after that, just listening was huge, the emotional connection was stronger, etc.
LLLN gave us a lot of encouragement. It is refreshing to know that some problems can be worked out by just the husband and wife. Just to cover all bases I would try to get a professional involved if you can.

Do everything you can to please her in non-sexual ways and everything else because you will both win and you may get more exciting sex. Remember your wife is trying and is to be admired. Your wife is not as experimental and sexually free as you but that is not because she resents you, in fact she loves you and o loves the sex you give her. You have a lot to be thankful for even if you do not get a 100% complete fulfilled sex life. Keep trying everything. If your wifeís situation is like LLLN then you will both win big time!
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Old 07-31-2012, 02:03 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's issues with sex

1234 - my wife is just like yours....never initiates, never likes touching me, doesnt like kissing, has never (and refuses to talk about it) given me oral etc.
We did the counselling thing..after about 6 months the subject moved to sex...she stopped going.

I know this isnt of much help to you, but some women are simply not interested in sex....a couple of times a month doing the basics to keep you 'happy' is all they will do.

I so hope you guys manage to sort this out because it DOES lead to bitterness and resentment.....you stay married because of the children etc but live like brother and sister. You will get sexually frustrated and be tempted to do what ALL males are originally designed to do....spread our oats!
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