Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I have seen a lot on these boards about LD partners and the many problems it causes, especially with mismatched drives. It always seems more frustrating if the LD person was once HD, so, I ask the following to you (maybe you just want to vent - go for it!):
- What did find were the main reasons your previously HD partner turned LD?
- Was it a gradual thing, or just kind of a sudden, almost overnight thing? Did one event act as a trigger?
-Did you find it more frustrating that they went from HD to LD, (Rather than someone who was LD from the beginning so you kind of knew no different?)
- Ultimately, can you, as their partner, ever really do anything to change their drive once it's plummeted - or does the change within have to come from them? Is it mostly a lost cause that you hope WILL change (but probably WON'T change)?
I'm only really asking as I find myself in this boat. Just wanted your stories and input aswell, see if there's a pattern? I'll add mine at a later stage.
- What did find were the main reasons your previously HD partner turned LD? Wedding Cake
- Was it a gradual thing, or just kind of a sudden, almost overnight thing? Did one event act as a trigger? Wedding night
-Did you find it more frustrating that they went from HD to LD, (Rather than someone who was LD from the beginning so you kind of knew no different?) Uh, Yeah!
- Ultimately, can you, as their partner, ever really do anything to change their drive once it's plummeted - or does the change within have to come from them? Is it mostly a lost cause that you hope WILL change (but probably WON'T change)? Some here have had success but I think the majority have not
Sorry to be so flippant but that's just how I feel these days
- What did find were the main reasons your previously HD partner turned LD?
Long list of reasons given by her, and I have theories. The slide started after we had our first kid. Pile on her depression, anxiety, possible perimenopause, marriage issues, etc.
- Was it a gradual thing, or just kind of a sudden, almost overnight thing? Did one event act as a trigger?
Gradual...over a few years. After having our 2nd kid, it turned to the duty stuff.
-Did you find it more frustrating that they went from HD to LD, (Rather than someone who was LD from the beginning so you kind of knew no different?)
Def more frustrating. I would not have married an LD.
- Ultimately, can you, as their partner, ever really do anything to change their drive once it's plummeted - or does the change within have to come from them? Is it mostly a lost cause that you hope WILL change (but probably WON'T change)?
I have done several things that have upped our quantity a good bit, but her drive remains low (or zero). In our case, the change will probably have to come from her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toffer
- What did find were the main reasons your previously HD partner turned LD? Wedding Cake
I went from HD to no drive with my husband due to him ignoring my sexual needs. Since I've hit puberty I've been consistently high drive (1-3x a day). But when you do all you can to sexually satisfy someone to their liking and they can reciprocate it gets very frustrating over time.
In the beginnings of our relationship my need for sex outweighed his poor bedroom skills but I became resentful after trying to explain vey bluntly what I needed and him not getting it at all (simple things like don't rub my dry clit hardcore to get me in the mood). I have always been a rather blunt person so I feel I explained myself very well. Some people just dont get it. Or don't care, whichever it is I'm glad I'm still not wasting energy trying to figure it out.
As a Marriage Counselor and owner for The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO I have worked with many mismatched desire couples. I have seen several times where the HD becomes the LD and vice versa. There's two things I recommend to help match each other's drive. This may help you feel less frustrated and hopeless
1) become comfortable within yourself. really comfortable. You need sex but be comfortable and strong enough within yourself to not settle for bad sex. Once they see that you're no longer begging for sex and you're fed up with their poor performance, they'll start to get the hint that they better change or else.
2) Keep them informed of what you're doing. Lots of individual try to punish the other spouse by cutting them off from sex. Even if their spouse is already the LD partner they still punish them by cutting them off from sex. Keep them in the know 100%. Tell them you're sick of begging all the time, tell them you're sick of them not meeting to your needs and tell them you won't settle for bad sex anymore. Keep them informed of your process of becoming really really comfortable.
P.S. There's a great book called 'Intimacy and Desire' by David Snarch. This has been helpful for every couple I have worked with.
Kids
Hormonal birth control
SSRI for postpartum depression
A bit of guilt about premarital sex - LOTS of it under her parents nose and projecting how she'd feel if her daughters doing the same
Once my wife had the ring on her finger, 2 children, golden retriever, own home, own car.....was when it more or less ended.
I know not all women are the same, but I suspect its far more important for a woman to be seen as having 'made it' (I'm not talking about the corporate world atall here)...so once she has the husband, children etc she no longer has to make the effort. Being intimate with your husband can often be a chore.
For men the return on our 'investment' is a loving and supportive wife, family and environment. If he gets it he will do everything to maintain it...that includes gioving his wife what SHE needs.
However, if he stops getting what HE needs, he will stop 'investing'.
It takes two to tango....if one stops the whole thing will sour...
Some interesting responses, thanks. Yeah, it is often the whole kids-house-job-mortgage thing that kills it dead in the water isn't it, as if they have gained all of these things and no longer need to try any more? Complacency seems to be the key issue.
Of course, kids, especially younger ones, take up so much of your time, energy and patience that you just can't wait for the day to be over. Certainly what's happened in my case too. I often wonder if they just are no longer attracted to the HD spouse anymore, whether it is physically, emotionally, or both.
Like there's no longer any mystery, or the HD spouse got complacent when sex was still a high priority, and gradually stopped making as much effort as the early days (clothes, hygiene, gestures, things like that?), until the intercourse slowy got less and less. Then of course, the knock-on effect of this is they try harder to create a spark that isn't really there anymore - groping, pressuring, sulking etc - which of course repels the LD partner EVEN more - A very vicious circle!
1) become comfortable within yourself. really comfortable. You need sx but be comfortable and strong enough within yourself to not settle for bad sx. Once they see that you're no longer begging for sx and you're fed up with their poor performance, they'll start to get the hint that they better change or else.
That's key. I'm an expert at what doesn't work in this situation, b/c I did it for years. Want to eff up your s*x life more, do the following. When you get turned down, act like a pouty little bish, or for bonus points, get angry about it. Do some passive aggressive stuff the next day to really stick it to your LD spouse. Complain about s*x. Have "lots" of talks about it, while your LD spouse sits there and rolls her eyes.
What did help to shoot up our quantity - STFU already with complaining about quantity. Work on your s*x rank, so your spouse KNOWS that other women find you attractive. If you get turned down, stay happy, smile, give her a kiss goodnight. Come back up to bat the next night like the c*cky mofo that you are. If you're getting turned down a lot, stop initiating, for weeks, or months if you have to. While doing this, be happy/confident around your spouse, even if you have to fake it. If you're in the middle of low quality s*x, get up with no drama, and say something like, "This isn't working for me." Go grab a beer and watch TV or something. Worked for me...quantity, at least. Quality has improved a bit, but not much. She is still low/zero drive, and I can't change that.
4Likes 
What made your previously HD spouse turn LD? 
