Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Re: Are there certain situations where sex should almost be expected?
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Originally Posted by OhhShiney
I like the approach of agreeing never to turn each other down. Was that something you actually talked about, or is it something that's literally unspoken? I can see how it would help keep things in balance.
We've discussed it. As the HD spouse I've ASSURED him I won't ever turn it down. I don't care if it's 2am and he's horny PLEASE wake me up. LOL
As the lower drive spouse he's agreed to not turn it down which meant he had to admit that he sometimes needs a bit of extra help getting aroused. THIS was difficult for him to do but he's learning to trust me. I'm HAPPY to help turn him on.
Re: Are there certain situations where sex should almost be expected?
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Originally Posted by kingsfan
Not yet. I know there is a talk coming, because I'm not happy on the whole sex front.
I was just wondering what everyone else thought on this particular issue. Everyone, including myself, seems to agree that someone shouldn't really be able to demand sex in any particular situation (sex is a need in marriage, but it's hard to say on this or that aprticular night it's a demandable thing), but I just wondered if there were certain situations where maybe, it's quite alright to actually expect sex.
u seem to be bending over backwards and trying to play with semantics... the fact is that the need was well understood and usually is. The LD side just doesnt care of your need - if you become persistent in having your need met (despite informing this in advance) then it seems demanding and then everything starts getting topsy turvy.
IMO your fiance does not love you enough and does not care for you needs. I am in a frustrating situation now with my wife. With my knowledge that I have now if I were in your situation - I would give one last attempt and speak with her about your needs. If you do not start seeing a persistent change after this its time to dump and run. Sorry I am a little blunt but with my sexual frustration u would be happy to know of this before you got into legal obligations of marriage...
Re: Are there certain situations where sex should almost be expected?
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Originally Posted by honeysuckle rose
It doesn't take all day, but when you don't want it it takes a lot out of you, as a woman. Receiving something INTO your body is a lot more stressful (for lack of a better word) than you sticking it in.
There is a great site by Alison Armstrong that men AND women should read sometime. Sex isn't the be all and end all, but understanding and empathy between the sexes would make it a lot easier for all concerned.
I'd like you to follow up on this more honeysuckle rose. As a man, I have no sense of understanding the concept of the stress (or whatever term you meant to use) of receiving something into my body during sex (I don't do any of that weird/kinky/whatever type of stuff).
Can you explain for us men how sex is stressful, to what degree it is stressful and just how difficult it would be to have sex with your spouse (not your spouse specifically, just a man in general terms) every time he wanted sex (assuming a normal libido of between 3-5 times a week) even if you weren't really in the mood, but did have a partner quite willing to get you in the mood (or bring you to orgasm through oral, etc.)?
I'll be honest, it doesn't sound overly stressing to me personally, but once again I have never been in those shoes before so I have no concept of how stressing it is in all actuality.
Re: Are there certain situations where sex should almost be expected?
Things are generally simpler than most people make them out to be. If your partner is oblivious to you in this way then they're generally oblivious to you in every way. If they treat like they don't like you they probably don't like you. If what you want turns into an endless painful series of half assed concessions then that is precisely what they are. Also, people lie. A lot, all the time. It's not simply a matter of 'when is sex a commandment' because we don't still live in Biblical times. But it is a matter of why your partner doesn't recognize or doesn't want to say they recognize this is a problem or that it's 'in your head'.
Re: Are there certain situations where sex should almost be expected?
Quote:
Originally Posted by honeysuckle rose
It doesn't take all day, but when you don't want it it takes a lot out of you, as a woman. Receiving something INTO your body is a lot more stressful (for lack of a better word) than you sticking it in.
There is a great site by Alison Armstrong that men AND women should read sometime. Sex isn't the be all and end all, but understanding and empathy between the sexes would make it a lot easier for all concerned.
At the risk of hijacking the thread of the OP I found what you wrote quite insightful. I would suspect some women do not find it stressful at all. I would submit that some men do find it stressful and point to the world of ED medication for performance anxiety as evidence. I'm sorry you find it stressful. It sounds to me like you feel an obligation and duty to the relationship to "perform". I hope your husband is grateful for your compromise.
Re: Are there certain situations where sex should almost be expected?
Kingsfan,
Do you feel that this rejection has been creeping into other areas of your life - like self esteem for instance? Confidence? Overall "manly" feelings.
Re: Are there certain situations where sex should almost be expected?
Quote:
Originally Posted by kingsfan
I'd like you to follow up on this more honeysuckle rose. As a man, I have no sense of understanding the concept of the stress (or whatever term you meant to use) of receiving something into my body during sex (I don't do any of that weird/kinky/whatever type of stuff).
Can you explain for us men how sex is stressful, to what degree it is stressful and just how difficult it would be to have sex with your spouse (not your spouse specifically, just a man in general terms) every time he wanted sex (assuming a normal libido of between 3-5 times a week) even if you weren't really in the mood, but did have a partner quite willing to get you in the mood (or bring you to orgasm through oral, etc.)?
I'll be honest, it doesn't sound overly stressing to me personally, but once again I have never been in those shoes before so I have no concept of how stressing it is in all actuality.
Of course, it wouldn't sound overly stressful to you BECAUSE you're a man. If the wind blows just right, you're ready to go (hyperbolic, yes - hope you smiled).
I have an orgasms (sometimes 2) every time I have sex w/ my partner. It makes him feel soooo good to be close to me and makes him feel connected to me. All of which is good for him. It used to be good for me too, but sadly no more.
And having all these great orgasms doesn't make me miss him, or feel connected to him, or make me wanna jump his bones and do it as often as possible. Why? Because I'm tired, I'm angry, I'm depressed, I don't feel like being touched, or handled...
The brain IS the biggest sex organ - certainly for a lot of women I know (and from the posts, a lot of women on TAM). Not having as much testosterone and being tired/depressed/angry just kills any romantic notions you may have had toward your partner. So, when he starts rubbing on you or grabbing you, it's annoying. Because you KNOW you're gonna have to psyche yourself up even if you do get aroused. You may not fully be into it because you're thinking about the laundry, the bills, your meetings the next day, him having an orgasm, him hurrying up so it'll be over with. It's not a slam and it's not that we don't love you.
Maybe touch isn't our love language. But it's a LOT of effort and discomfort and stress for some women because if we aren't aroused enough, all the lube in the world isn't going to lift your cervix, which he will hit with the tip of his penis every time he thrusts. And that hurts - me anyway.
Accepting something INTO your body when you don't even want to be touched is stressful because it's an invasion and we know how hurtful it will be to you to know this. We know how we have to submit to you when we don't want to and feign excitement when we don't want to. We have to perhaps pretend we came because it'll make you feel good...
My dearest friend died Fri and he was coming home the next day after two weeks away at a large client. I just wanted to lie in bed and cry and grieve. But, the next day I had to put on my game face and be funny and engaging and loving and affectionate. And I KNEW that sex was expected of me because he'd been away so long. And I did it. And I felt empty because I would have rather had my wisdom teeth extracted. He didn't make me and he understood my friend died. But, for him it was different and he wanted his sex. To keep him happy, I did it and I had to do it the next day and twice the day after because he missed me. It was stressful, sad and sore for me.
If you aren't in a good place emotionally or in your relationship, sex isn't always a stress reliever. And the only equivalent I can think of for a man is imagine you had to read 45 100-page contracts at work for 18 hours. Your brain hurts, your eyes hurt, you just wanna sit and veg. But when you get home, she wants to hear about your day and wants you to listen to her and what happened to her AND you have to be excited and engaged and funny and talking -- and you just want her to SHUT THE HELL UP!
Hope that helps. We love you. Sometimes we just don't feel loving toward you...(and we know that goes both ways )
Re: Are there certain situations where sex should almost be expected?
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Originally Posted by CanadianGuy
At the risk of hijacking the thread of the OP I found what you wrote quite insightful. I would suspect some women do not find it stressful at all. I would submit that some men do find it stressful and point to the world of ED medication for performance anxiety as evidence. I'm sorry you find it stressful. It sounds to me like you feel an obligation and duty to the relationship to "perform". I hope your husband is grateful for your compromise.
Thank you for sharing that about ED. It is something we struggled with because of the way he was used to handling his own penis while watching porn and masturbating. Imagine my horror when he couldn't get it up and I'm all ready to go (back in the day...). I can see how crummy that would make a man feel from a feeling rejected POV.
Re: Are there certain situations where sex should almost be expected?
Quote:
Originally Posted by honeysuckle rose
My dearest friend died Fri and he was coming home the next day after two weeks away at a large client. I just wanted to lie in bed and cry and grieve. But, the next day I had to put on my game face and be funny and engaging and loving and affectionate. And I KNEW that sex was expected of me because he'd been away so long. And I did it. And I felt empty because I would have rather had my wisdom teeth extracted. He didn't make me and he understood my friend died. But, for him it was different and he wanted his sex. To keep him happy, I did it and I had to do it the next day and twice the day after because he missed me. It was stressful, sad and sore for me.
Just curious - how much of this is him, and how much is you? By that I mean you seem to state that he did not make you, but you did it because you thought it was required, and then you seem to blame him. How much of the blame is on him for that expectation, and how much is on you giving in and then being resentful?
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Re: Are there certain situations where sex should almost be expected? 
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