Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I have been married for what feels like eternity. My husband and I waited until marriage before we had sex. Something I will regret until the day I die. He was a virgin when he got married I wasn't.
Since the start of our marriage he has had erectile dysfunction and he is only ever to stay hard if I do on top. I am angry and very resentful always being on top whilst he just lies there. At first I empathaised with him but I don't anymore.
I have taken him for counselling, the only reason we were at counselling is because I have been on at him about getting help for it. I know that the problem is not physical as he wakes up in the morning with hard ons. He has issues with sex full stop, he can't even read about it.
I am so angry that he is continuing to put his head in the sand and thinks that I can be happy in a marriage with someone who is not able to and not willing to try to satisy me sexually. I have made it clear to him how unhappy I am.
He comes out with the same bs excuse when I brooch it with him, he says it is because he had no sexual experience before meeting me. However, he is not even prepared to read about sex, even though he knows that I read about it myself as no one is an expert right. I would divorce him if it weren't for the fact that it would ruin me financially.
Sometimes I have made a point of telling him when men chat me up. I just feel so angry and trapped. What do you advise. Please don't tell me I told you so.
Since the start of our marriage he has had erectile dysfunction and he is only ever to stay hard if I do on top. I am angry and very resentful always being on top whilst he just lies there. At first I empathaised with him but I don't anymore. I have taken him for counselling, the only reason we were at counselling is because I have been on at him about getting help for it. I know that the problem is not physical as he wakes up in the morning with hard ons. He has issues with sex full stop, he can't even read about it.
While I do think a lot of your husbands issues with sex are mental, you can't rule out a physical issue simply because he has wood in the morning. People who need Viagra can still have hard ons in the morning everyday. It's something the body does on it's own and most men have several erections a night. The blood pressure during sleep drops usually in men, and this can enable an erection when otherwise one can't be attained. Does your husband have high blood pressure? I'd get him checked for that (as high blood pressure can affect the ability to get an erection) and he should get a check up done by a doctor just to be safe.
Quote:
Originally Posted by britney5
I am so angry that he is continuing to put his head in the sand and thinks that I can be happy in a marriage with someone who is not able to and not willing to try to satisy me sexually. I have made it clear to him how unhappy I am.
He comes out with the same bs excuse when I brooch it with him, he says it is because he had no sexual experience before meeting me. However, he is not even prepared to read about sex, even though he knows that I read about it myself as no one is an expert right. I would divorce him if it weren't for the fact that it would ruin me financially.
Your husband does need to understand that sex is a need in a marriage. That said, how often do you have sex? How long has this been a problem?
If you've had several chats about this and been 100% clear that it is a BIG issue for you, you may need to let him know that you leaving is an option.
Additionally, if you want a divorce, get one. Don't stay for the financial reasons. You are mad at him for holding you in a marriage full of sexual frustration, yet you are willing to stay to use him for his money (which is basically what you are doing). Leave if you want out, don't ***** him out on a message board for not fulfilling his duties if you aren't fulfilling yours (staying for love, not money, is a duty).
Quote:
Originally Posted by britney5
Sometimes I have made a point of telling him when men chat me up. I just feel so angry and trapped. What do you advise. Please don't tell me I told you so.
How are you chatting men up? That's sounds like an emotional affair to me. I'm not defending your husband here, but two wrongs don't make a right. Talking to other men isn't a solution, it'll only greatly enhance the problem, especially if your husband finds out.
I have been married for what feels like eternity. My husband and I waited until marriage before we had sex. Something I will regret until the day I die. He was a virgin when he got married I wasn't.
Since the start of our marriage he has had erectile dysfunction and he is only ever to stay hard if I do on top. I am angry and very resentful always being on top whilst he just lies there. At first I empathaised with him but I don't anymore.
I have taken him for counselling, the only reason we were at counselling is because I have been on at him about getting help for it. I know that the problem is not physical as he wakes up in the morning with hard ons. He has issues with sex full stop, he can't even read about it.
I am so angry that he is continuing to put his head in the sand and thinks that I can be happy in a marriage with someone who is not able to and not willing to try to satisy me sexually. I have made it clear to him how unhappy I am.
He comes out with the same bs excuse when I brooch it with him, he says it is because he had no sexual experience before meeting me. However, he is not even prepared to read about sex, even though he knows that I read about it myself as no one is an expert right. I would divorce him if it weren't for the fact that it would ruin me financially.
Sometimes I have made a point of telling him when men chat me up. I just feel so angry and trapped. What do you advise. Please don't tell me I told you so.
For some men it is different, the problem is that this can be complicated because an erection itself is a phenomena, a physiological one at that. When I first lost my virginity I could not orgasm, it was a mental thing I had, I could easily do it with masturbation and had good control of it, but the first few times I had sex I was uncomfortable and I had trouble orgasming, reason was I was kegeling, holding back the whole time during sex that my pelvic muscle got tired and just could not orgasm (I didn't know how to relax and use reverse kegel at the time). Some men have different results, tell your husband to practice kegels, I can't stress that enough. Is he healthy?
While I do think a lot of your husbands issues with sex are mental, you can't rule out a physical issue simply because he has wood in the morning. People who need Viagra can still have hard ons in the morning everyday. It's something the body does on it's own and most men have several erections a night. The blood pressure during sleep drops usually in men, and this can enable an erection when otherwise one can't be attained. Does your husband have high blood pressure? I'd get him checked for that (as high blood pressure can affect the ability to get an erection) and he should get a check up done by a doctor just to be safe.
Your husband does need to understand that sex is a need in a marriage. That said, how often do you have sex? How long has this been a problem?
If you've had several chats about this and been 100% clear that it is a BIG issue for you, you may need to let him know that you leaving is an option.
Additionally, if you want a divorce, get one. Don't stay for the financial reasons. You are mad at him for holding you in a marriage full of sexual frustration, yet you are willing to stay to use him for his money (which is basically what you are doing). Leave if you want out, don't ***** him out on a message board for not fulfilling his duties if you aren't fulfilling yours (staying for love, not money, is a duty).
How are you chatting men up? That's sounds like an emotional affair to me. I'm not defending your husband here, but two wrongs don't make a right. Talking to other men isn't a solution, it'll only greatly enhance the problem, especially if your husband finds out.
If he has wood in the morning then go at it in the morning. When a man is having problems with his erection it can lead to performance anxiety, this can be a snowball effect with what happens obviously when the partner reacts negatively. kegels!
If he has wood in the morning then go at it in the morning. When a man is having problems with his erection it can lead to performance anxiety, this can be a snowball effect with what happens obviously when the partner reacts negatively. kegels!
Agree. Mount that boy in the morning and have him wake up to you riding him like a horse.
Agree. Mount that boy in the morning and have him wake up to you riding him like a horse.
Lucky SOB.
I don't think this would work. Her quote "I am angry and very resentful always being on top whilst he just lies there." seems to indicate that her "riding him like a horse" will not satisfy the situation.
How are you chatting men up? That's sounds like an emotional affair to me. I'm not defending your husband here, but two wrongs don't make a right. Talking to other men isn't a solution, it'll only greatly enhance the problem, especially if your husband finds out.
King,
She indicated that men were chatting her up, not that she was chatting up men. Small distinction but it sounds to me like she was using the flirtations of other men to try and make her husband jealous. Am I right OP?
I don't think this would work. Her quote "I am angry and very resentful always being on top whilst he just lies there." seems to indicate that her "riding him like a horse" will not satisfy the situation.
If the issue is performance anxiety, walking up to your wife riding you like you are in the Kentucky Derby could do wonders to serve that he's not got a performance issue. It is the same as usual for her in a sense, but doing something to boost his confidence could be what is needed to get him going elsewhere. He may also have built up an understanding that she's not happy with the 'her on top' position, so to see her enthusiatically riding away could help drop the pressure he's feeling as well as it would give him a sense that he's actually satisfying her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zatol Ugot?
King,
She indicated that men were chatting her up, not that she was chatting up men. Small distinction but it sounds to me like she was using the flirtations of other men to try and make her husband jealous. Am I right OP?
I'm sorry, but it's a huge distinction. Chatting is like sex, it takes two or more. They can't be chatting her up if she's not responding.
And using another man to make her husband jealous likely isn't going to work, at least not in the long haul. If his issue is performance anxiety, how does it help him to fear that if he doesn't perform there could be another man lurking, wanting for his turn to bang his wife?
if anything, that could make him check out further as he figures his wife is already heading out the door herself (which she may be based on her post).
I have taken him for counselling, the only reason we were at counselling is because I have been on at him about getting help for it.
So how did the counselling go? You seemed to gloss over this a bit.
[/QUOTE]I have made it clear to him how unhappy I am.
QUOTE]
Are you sure? Did he give any indications of actually understanding your point? To me, it sounds like the problem is his unwillingness to participate fully in a crucial dimension of marriage - sex. Sticking his head in the sand is a defense mechanism, probably to cover up his insecurities about sex. He likely feels as though he is unable to live up to your expectations for a more adventurous sex life. It also sounds like he is not comfortable with his own sexuality.
And using another man to make her husband jealous likely isn't going to work, at least not in the long haul. If his issue is performance anxiety, how does it help him to fear that if he doesn't perform there could be another man lurking, wanting for his turn to bang his wife?
if anything, that could make him check out further as he figures his wife is already heading out the door herself (which she may be based on her post).
King,
I agree with you, I don't think that it would be a smart move either. I'm just not sure that the OP sees it that way. I am getting a sense of severe frustration. This breeds desperation.
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Trapped 
