Help! Is my wife Gay, bi, or normal? I need a Woman's perspective
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 07-31-2012, 02:55 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Help! Is my wife Gay, bi, or normal? I need a Woman's perspective

My wife and I are in our early 40's and we have 3 kids. We've been married for 16+ years and have been struggling in the bedroom for 10-12 years. My wife is just not passionate, affectionate, and has told me on more than one occasion that if she never had sex again in her life, she would be okay with it. Of course hearing this made me uneasy about our relationship.

We have sex about twice a week and she is always dreading it. Also, during sex, she would only want to do the missionary position. No kissing during sex, no foreplay, just straight to the point with lube and I have to go get ready so she can do it between commercials. I accepted this because I was at least getting something, but I really wanted the passion, I wanted to be desirable to her. I'm an attractive man (I think) and in decent shape, maybe 10 lbs overweight, so that is not the issue. I'm very clean and shower 2 times a day, once in the morning before work and again before I go to bed, so that shouldn't be an issue either. When I ask my wife the the problem is. Why there's no foreplay, she says it tickles her boobs when I kiss them, or that she not in the mood for oral, ever really. Then she reminds me that getting it twice a week is better than a lot of her friends and that I should be happy.

Recently, I tried to increase the passion, kissing, hugging more and trying to cuddle. She rejected my advances, saying she's not a kisser. When we have kissed in the past, it was mostly pecks on the lips, no real tongue action. I mean, it wasn't always like that. When we were dating, we kissed passionately and had a lot more sex. This even continued into the first couple years of our marriage, but tapered off after our first child. I finally got fed up and demanded MC, which she agreed to do.

We have been going for a couple of months now and I have noticed some improvement in the affection, but no real increase in our sexual encounters. Now to my current dilemma.

We got into a fight the other night because I wanted to cudlle with her and she didn't. She said we cuddled enough on the couch earlier and that should have been enough. The next day, I snooped around in her dresser and closet and found several porno's (5). Two of the videos were VHS and obviously old. The other 2 were from July 2009. I'm not upset about the porn. We watch porn together sometimes and I'm sure alone as well. What I found was 4 of the five porno's were girl on girl action or girl on girl orgy's. Recently I had an opportunity to download some porn from a friends server and I downloaded normal guy-girl porn. She said she wanted to download a couple videos and every last one was girl-girl. I asked her if she had a lesbian fantasy which she adamantly denied.

Should I be worried?

Women, is it normal for women to watch girl on girl porn?

Last edited by lifeisnotsogood; 08-08-2012 at 02:20 PM.
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Old 07-31-2012, 03:04 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help! Is my wife Gay, bi, or normal? I need a Woman's perspective

I'd ask her if she prefers girl on girl to guy-girl. Then ask her why she likes the girl on girl.
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Old 07-31-2012, 03:08 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help! Is my wife Gay, bi, or normal? I need a Woman's perspective

I watch it, but not exclusively. Even if I did, my SO has no question about me loving any kind of touching, kissing, cuddling, sexing with him.
Does she have any trauma in her past that prevents her from enjoying physical intimacy?
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Old 07-31-2012, 03:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I think your real issue is that she just isn't really into sex with you. I have to admit that I've become a lot like your wife, in that I don't like being touched at this point in my life. Before I was always ready to go and loved sex. Not sure if this is a phase or if that's just how your wife and I have evolved, as we weren't always cold fish.

It sounds like she's resentful about something. You probably have no clue what it could be. But she's probably angry at you for some reason...(yes, this is how we are).

I can also say that for a while I was into girl on girl action in porn when I would watch (younger). Frankly, women are nicer to look at and probably most women watching porn are envisioning themselves as the woman in the movie doing whatever act.

Your wife may like looking at women. She may have some lesbian feelings. The only way you can find out is to ask because YOU should not live the rest of your life like this. Even *I* who am so messed up in my own life can recognize this. Don't settle for no affection and feeling lonely.

Good luck.
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Old 07-31-2012, 03:14 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help! Is my wife Gay, bi, or normal? I need a Woman's perspective

I prefer girl/girl porn. I'm just not into watching some guy banging the life out of another girl. Oh, and there's far less spitting in girl/girl. The spitting grosses me out. For me girl/girl stuff is more "tame", more like acts of foreplay. Since foreplay is what really gets me going, it's more enticing to watch. That said, I wouldn't watch porn by myself, and when I do watch it H is with me and uh... helping me along.
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Old 07-31-2012, 03:23 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help! Is my wife Gay, bi, or normal? I need a Woman's perspective

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I watch it, but not exclusively. Even if I did, my SO has no question about me loving any kind of touching, kissing, cuddling, sexing with him.
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Same with me. It isn't a question of her sexual persuasion so much as it is a question of whether she likes sex, period.
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Old 07-31-2012, 03:36 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I'd ask her if she prefers girl on girl to guy-girl. Then ask her why she likes the girl on girl.


Talk with her is the key I think...
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Old 07-31-2012, 04:05 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I'd ask her if she prefers girl on girl to guy-girl. Then ask her why she likes the girl on girl.
She said she does not fantasize about women at all.
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Old 07-31-2012, 04:10 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by honeysuckle rose View Post
I think your real issue is that she just isn't really into sex with you. I have to admit that I've become a lot like your wife, in that I don't like being touched at this point in my life. Before I was always ready to go and loved sex. Not sure if this is a phase or if that's just how your wife and I have evolved, as we weren't always cold fish.

It sounds like she's resentful about something. You probably have no clue what it could be. But she's probably angry at you for some reason...(yes, this is how we are).

I can also say that for a while I was into girl on girl action in porn when I would watch (younger). Frankly, women are nicer to look at and probably most women watching porn are envisioning themselves as the woman in the movie doing whatever act.

Your wife may like looking at women. She may have some lesbian feelings. The only way you can find out is to ask because YOU should not live the rest of your life like this. Even *I* who am so messed up in my own life can recognize this. Don't settle for no affection and feeling lonely.

Good luck.
Yeah, I get she does not enjoy sex or we would be doing it all the time. I have never wondered about this until I noticed a few months ago that the only videos she downloaded were girl on girl. When I mentioned it to her, she dismissed it and said she didn't really pay attention to what she was downloading because the kids were in the living room and she had to do it quick. I bought it until I found the other, much older videos, that were the same.
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Old 07-31-2012, 04:12 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I prefer girl/girl porn. I'm just not into watching some guy banging the life out of another girl. Oh, and there's far less spitting in girl/girl. The spitting grosses me out. For me girl/girl stuff is more "tame", more like acts of foreplay. Since foreplay is what really gets me going, it's more enticing to watch. That said, I wouldn't watch porn by myself, and when I do watch it H is with me and uh... helping me along.
Yeah, but one of the videos was all butt hole licking, foot sucking and of course eating out orgy stuff, all women. I can't believe this.
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Old 07-31-2012, 04:14 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Same with me. It isn't a question of her sexual persuasion so much as it is a question of whether she likes sex, period.
I don't think she gets anything out of it because she makes me get ready and go quickly. I think she just wants it to be over with.
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Old 07-31-2012, 04:14 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Yeah, but one of the videos was all butt hole licking, foot sucking and of course eating out orgy stuff, all women. I can't believe this.
^^ Okay, that's not so appealing...
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Old 07-31-2012, 04:15 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Talk with her is the key I think...
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I can't talk to her. She'll know I went through her dresser and closet. That will start a brand new set of issues.
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Old 07-31-2012, 04:16 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by GinnyTonia View Post
I watch it, but not exclusively. Even if I did, my SO has no question about me loving any kind of touching, kissing, cuddling, sexing with him.
Does she have any trauma in her past that prevents her from enjoying physical intimacy?
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No trauma that I know of. I love the cuddling, and foreplay stuff. She doesn't.
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Old 07-31-2012, 04:16 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I can't talk to her. She'll know I went through her dresser and closet. That will start a brand new set of issues.
Ummm, why DID you go through her stuff??
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