Advice: How to talk to husband regarding his lack of sexual desire.
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 04-28-2009, 09:23 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Advice: How to talk to husband regarding his lack of sexual desire.

So, how does a wife talk to her husband about his continued lack of sexual interest... from a man's perspective how it is best to bring up the subject and what should/should not be addressed. We have been married for 15 years and have never had intercourse. This may be due to health of husband but he will not pursue with a doctor unless I push, which causes its own issues. He has had Viagra sitting in his medicine cabinet for years and has never taken it. I struggle with thoughts of self-worth and I am angry. There is an undercurrent of anger all the time. Mostly I can handle it but I have periods of total insanity with this where I don't even want to get out of bed. We do not have children, we are financially set, we live in a beautiful home and have lots of friends. I am 25 years younger then my husband. I am tall, slender and told by people that I am beautiful - I am clean, dress well, etc. but this is hard to believe when the person I desire most does not seem to see me that way. When I have brought this subject up to my husband in the past, I have cried, I have tried to be clear about my expectations and to express how I feel and what I want from him. If he is not able to get an erection I am willing to try other things - I have told him that within the privacy of our home and between the two of us - with trust and respect - there is nothing I will not try with him. I am open to learning new ways to please each other. He tells me he is sorry and he will do better but he never changes nor will be bring up the subject again. I love this man. I am with him because I want to be. He makes me happy and he makes me laugh. I would rather hang out with him then anyone else in the world. However, I want sex. I want sex to express my love for him. I want sex because I an Horney. I want to make love to him and I want to **** him. I want to fully explore my sexual potential but I feel I have not and will not get the chance. I should mention that I had one sexual partner before my husband. This was when I was a teenager and had a sexual relationship with a highschool boyfriend. I did not have a sexual relationship again until I got married. My husband was married before and from what I have pieced together, he and his ex-wife had an active sex life. You probably only hear from men wishing their wife would be more sexual... am I the only woman out there with this problem? So, to get back to my initial question, how do I bring up the conversation with my husband? Apparently, I have not been saying the right things in the past when I have tried to address my feelings. A few pointers from a guy would be helpful.
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Old 04-28-2009, 09:36 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice: How to talk to husband regarding his lack of sexual desire.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but there is only one way to talk to a husband that has not touched you in 15 years. Tell him that if he does not take steps within 24 hours you are going to leave.

But this all begs the question, why did you stay for so long. This is actually a form of abuse. You have no kids, yet you continue to stay with a man who makes you feel like a failure.

What ever you do, do not allow him to get you pregnant if you ever do have a "one off", otherwise you will probably be stuck with him for ever.

I started a thread on this subject: The difference between men and women who go off sex.

Are you saying he has never done anything sexual with you?
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Old 04-28-2009, 10:12 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice: How to talk to husband regarding his lack of sexual desire.

I appreciate your response. Since writing my initial post, I have read futher on several sites and I have read your article on Differences Between Men and Women who Stop Having Sex. Sad to say, but you are probably right about this. It is also sad and shocking how many women are out there with the same situation. I thought I was alone. I never spoke to anyone about this. I suppose I stay with him because I lack the confidence to believe I can find love with someone else and to own my sexuality. From so many years of physical rejection I went down the path of believing there was something wrong with me . . . sounds like what most of us in this situation do even though we are cautioned to not let that happen. I see photos of myself and think, "who is that gorgeous woman?" I don't even think of the photo being me; when people comment on my physical appearance I don't believe them. I have completely disattached from myself. I am not sure how to rebuild. I think that reading these post will just depress me and make me feel hopeless so I am going to log off and go for a long run... I just do not know what else to say. Thanks.
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Old 04-28-2009, 10:23 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice: How to talk to husband regarding his lack of sexual desire.

I missed the last part of your post and did not answer your question.

We have been intimate a limited number of times in our marriage... but it has never lead to intercourse. He has erection difficulty (or, I just do not turn him on - of course, that is always my fear). Mostly our intimacy has consisted of him rubbing me and me giving him oral. I should have read the rules of this forum better to understand what I can and cannot write here... so, I will not go into further detail. The last sexual intimacy was 2007, before that 2005 and before that 2000. A few times scattered prior to 2000. I have wondered if he is intimidated about having sex with a younger woman (something I would think most men would love to do). I am so much younger then he is and I am very fit so possibly he does not feel he can meet some expectation????? Honestly, I just did not realize this problem was so wide spread. I read the thread attached to your article and I am overwhelmed. I thought if I approached him correctly then I could solve the problem but it does not appear that is the case and it also appears that many other women live with this same anxiety. If I continue to read the threads I will be in total despair.
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Old 04-28-2009, 10:24 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice: How to talk to husband regarding his lack of sexual desire.

15 years and no sex!

I know I'm a man, but my Lord, I couldn't let it go 15 days (save for a medical reason) let alone 15 years!

MT is right, you need to set immediate consequences (best word I can think of) if he doesn't "step up" so to speak.

Without getting into too much detail..

When you give him oral, 2 questions come to mind.

1. Does he get hard enough for regular intercourse?
2. Does he climax?

That might help answer some of the ED issues, if he can get it from oral but not vaginal, then its probably psychological and not physical ED.
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Old 04-28-2009, 11:10 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice: How to talk to husband regarding his lack of sexual desire.

Rainey-

Don't worry. You can be quite explicit in this section..

Yes he probably is intimidated, but so what? You have to understand that this is a symbiotic relationship. He is treating you like this, and yet you continue to stay. If I were unable to get an erection, I would use my fingers and tongue. I would also purchase a strap-on penis to at least give my wife the experience of being penetrated. If he can't be bothered to do this, or hides behind his embarrassment, what's the point? Also, what is the point of keeping Viagra in the cupboard but not using it?
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Old 04-28-2009, 03:06 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice: How to talk to husband regarding his lack of sexual desire.

In response to revitalized: When I have given him oral he has never achieved an erection hard enough for penetration. He has appeared to have an organism during oral. I asked him if this was possible without having an erection and he said it was. Physically he responded like he was having an orgasm but again, I did not think it was possible unless there was an erection. Correct me if I am wrong about this.

In response to MarkTwain - What do you mean by "symbiotic relationship?" As I wrote earlier in this thread, I have expressed to my husband that I am open to explore anything. I agree about the Viagra. In fact, I have contemplated throwing it away as it is such a kick to my heart to know a bottle of it sits in his drawer and he does not bother to take it. I would think a man would want to have sex with a willing partner in anyway they could manage - hand, toys, tongue, fingers, etc.

When I have talked with him about these issues I have expressed that my immediate concern is not that we are not having sex but that I do not understand WHY. If I were told by a doctor that it was physically impossible for my husband to achieve an erection I could probably deal with this much better because I could separate the medical from my fear that I am the cause. Outside of the bedroom we have a wonderful relationship. The fact that he has never come to me to discuss what may be going on and has left me to figure this out by myself causes me much anger. I feel we only have one of two options if I stay in this marriage: he figures out a way to have more sexual desire or I figure out a way to limit my sexual desire. He is physically affectionate to me in ways such as hand holding, saying sweet things, greeting me with a smile, etc. but this only goes so far. Everyone who knows us thinks we are the ultimate couple and of course, we attract attention due to our age difference and my appearance; all of his friends give him heck over it and imply that it must be wonderful to have a young beautiful wife. I laugh to myself then cry silently when I hear this. I suppose the more I allow myself to think about this - really think about it and listen to the input on this site, I realize there are some serious issues here that I have to deal with. I have not even been able to address the issue of not being able to have children because how can I do that when I have not been able to address the issue of never having intercourse? I feel that the best sexual years of my life are passing me by and I am afraid. Thanks to both of you for taking the time to respond. You have given me some things to think about...
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Old 04-28-2009, 04:48 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice: How to talk to husband regarding his lack of sexual desire.

Rainey-

That is correct, a man with ED may have orgasm and ejaculation without erection. In actual fact, if he would just loosen up, you could have a lot of fun manually and orally.

As for symbiotic - it means that you are both getting something out of the relationship. For you to have forgone sex for so long and not left, or insisted he regularly manually pleasure you shows that you are addicted to something in the relationship.
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Old 04-28-2009, 09:40 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice: How to talk to husband regarding his lack of sexual desire.

MarkTwain - your messages are a mirror for me. Thank you. As for why I have stayed in this marriage - I love my husband.

I initially took his lack of sexual interest as a personal reflection of my desirability. Logically, I knew this to be untrue and I fought hard in the beginning not to allow myself to go down that slippery and dangerous road - I was so certain that things would change and that at some point in time we would be intimate and it would lead to intercourse and then once he was able to perform he would lose any performance anxiety that he had and all would be good - assuming his issue is performance anxiety. Actually, I believe it is a combination of this and ED. I truly believed a man could not go without sex for any extended period of time - especially when he had an attractive, fit and willing partner - willing to try and to explore. I am still completely at a loss.

As far as being addicted to something in the relationship.... you have me thinking. I like being secure in knowing that he is faithful to me; he is patient and kind; he makes me laugh, stimulates my thinking, encourages me to do things, supports my interests and hobbies; he always greets me with a smile - not just with his mouth but his eyes actually smile. He is slow to anger, has a strong moral compass, does not curse or drink, provides me with a secure home, never plays unfair, and in all other areas - outside of the bedroom - he puts me first and shows me is so many ways that he loves me. I have so many friends in unhappy marriages due to either infidelity, porn (where the wife is opposed to it), children issues, financial strains, weird habits, etc. and I would not trade my problem for their problem(s) for any amount of money. As hard as it was for me to make the initial post this morning I am so glad I did. Since I have never talked to anyone about this I did not have a wide prospective... you've given me some things to think on and I appreciate that. Thank you.
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Old 04-29-2009, 04:57 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice: How to talk to husband regarding his lack of sexual desire.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainey View Post
Everyone who knows us thinks we are the ultimate
I have notice that this is a very common theme in sexless marriages. Not in all of them, but in quite a few, the short-changed partner aids the withholder by pretending to the world that everything is perfect. I know of one case where the wife was sexually abused as a child, and she would not have sex with her husband for 20 years. She would not allow discussion of the subject. He was crawling the walls. Yet he helped put on a show of the perfect marriage in public - but inside he hated her guts.

There is plenty you can get him to do if you take a firm stance. You can get him into a routine of manually stimulating you say 2-4 times a week. The you can buy him a strap-on. I hate to use the cliché, but "if he loved you he'd do it". You should also play with his bits, but for the ideal testosterone boost, you should not make him cum more than once a week, although you should stimulate him without orgasm several times a week.

However, from what you say he does get a partial erection. There are special exercises that I know of that can improve that, and make a partial erection into a full erection.

Couple of questions for you:
1)Does he allow you to see him naked?
2)Does he masturbate?
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Old 04-29-2009, 07:52 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice: How to talk to husband regarding his lack of sexual desire.

MarkTwain,

It is interesting that you have notice a common theme in a sexless marriage of everyone thinking the couple is perfect. I wonder if we are compensating in other areas to make up for the one huge gaping hole?

I have considering giving my husband the ultimatum that I want stimulation several times a week. What stops me is that I want so much FOR HIM TO WANT TO DO THIS for/with me rather then doing it because I demand it. As far as "playing" with him... honestly, in the last five years or so he has remained completely limp and I cannot tell you how absolutely discouraging it is to be giving head to my husband and have him remain completely soft. He just lays there. Does not touch me other then to pat me here or there. He does not play with my breasts, engage in long passionate kisses. It is like he does not want to do anything to get me excited. Note: His partial erections occurred very early on in our marriage.

To answer your questions:

1. Yes, I have seen him completely naked. He walks around in the buff all the time. He has never been modest about this.
2. No, I do not believe he masturbates. I have asked myself that question for years with the same conclusion. I have always thought if a man did not get it at home he was getting it somewhere. But he is not, nor has he been, in an outside relationship nor do I ever observe him in a situation where he may be masturbating.
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Old 04-29-2009, 08:10 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice: How to talk to husband regarding his lack of sexual desire.

Rainey-

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainey
It is interesting that you have notice a common theme in a sexless marriage of everyone thinking the couple is perfect. I wonder if we are compensating in other areas to make up for the one huge gaping hole?
Perhaps you misunderstood me. I meant that the couple put on a show to deceive everybody. In the case I mentioned before, the wife expected it of the husband.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainey
What stops me is that I want so much FOR HIM TO WANT TO DO THIS for/with me rather then doing it because I demand it.
That might come later, but it if you wait for it to happen first, you will be an old lady! You need to get on with it, for the both of you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainey
As far as "playing" with him... honestly, in the last five years or so he has remained completely limp and I cannot tell you how absolutely discouraging it is to be giving head to my husband and have him remain completely soft.
You are mixing up two different things: Erections and enjoyment. He could be getting a lot of pleasure out of oral, but still not get hard. If he is not able to get hard then you can't use that as a signal of his enjoyment.

However, it is possible that regular stimulation by you, as well as special exercises, could bring his member "back from the dead", as it were!

The fact the he is not embarrassed about nudity is a good sign. You have a long haul ahead of you if you want to stay with him, but one good sign is that you lacked a bit of knowledge about the male body - perhaps with more knowledge, you can move forward.
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Old 04-29-2009, 08:23 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice: How to talk to husband regarding his lack of sexual desire.

I get the feeling your husband feels horrible about his ED. Who wants to keep going to the well when you know the pump is broken. First I would ask him to get a medical check up. Nothing worse than not using a pump that could have been easily fixed with a little of the right medical attention. So make sure there is nothing that can be done medicaly.

What about other things he can do to show you a sexualy good time?
1. You might get into some games that the winner has to do what the looser says for a period of time.
2. Roll play who is the Dominate one? Act out some fantasys.
3. Dress up in some sex things. leave him sexy notes. I hid items around the house for the wife to find that was exchanged for romantic favors. Hot oils massages. Candel light baths, country drives that had kisses at all stop lights,and a night reliving the evening we had our first date and first kiss.
4. What about a weekend get away to a cabin in the woods that has a hot tub?

I think my point is to not focus on the sex but to fucus on each other and let the sexual things happen if they happen. Dont focus on the act but focus on making the connections and the intimate times together.

Will he go down on you since you go down on him? Does he try to give you a orgasm? Will he help you masturbate?
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