Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Recently, my friend Sue (22) has come to me with her relationship crisis with her live-in boyfriend, Bob (23). She found information in his email leading to this...
Bob spent $900 on online porn. He was able to borrow against some account with his father's company, so Sue wouldn't notice. She immediately confronted him - much anger, hurt, etc. She spoke with his parents and his mother told her he did this once before when he was 16. He had stolen his parents' credit cards & racked up a large balance. They were able to dispute the charges because he was underage.
Many apologies, promises, etc. and they decided to work it out.
As her investigation continued, she found that Bob had made personal contact with the webcam 'porn star' - email addresses and phone numbers were exchanged. The email described in graphic detail what he intended to do to her, how she would never forget him because he is a phenomenal lover, referenced the meeting they'd been discussing, and signed off with 'All Yours'. No response from the porn star to that email.
But, on even further investigation, she found out WHY his porn cost so much money (free porn all over the web) - he was paying to connect exclusively with one girl. He had an account where he could sign in & have a private 'porn session' with his current fave. She found evidence of 4 or 5 'faves' on the site, but no sign of off-site communications, other than that one email.
He denies a 'relationship' ever existed between him & these women and gets angry & defensive when Sue even uses that word. Sue believes the amount of communication and sexual activity (even if only by webcam) DOES imply a relationship. {And, of course, she wonders if he actually met them. At the time, she was working overnights so the opportunity was present.}
I believe her investigation has ended. She is working on rebuilding trust & forgiveness and is asking for my help. I know much about pain, dysfunction and forgiveness, but have no specific experience with heavy porn usage and dishonesty pertaining to it.
I'm hoping for input on how to advise my friend. We are students together in Massage Therapy school and have developed a nice friendship. To the extent I know her - she comes from an abusive background, very intelligent, hard working (also enrolled in chiropractic school), works part-time and is very reliable. She admits to low self esteem with her background and of 'needing' Bob's protection from the world.
Any help is appreciated!
P.S. Please be kind - she is very young. Ideally, I'd like to send her a link to this page so she can read it herself.
Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
This issue really isn't about "porn" as it is your friends attraction to low-quality men. Porn isn't the problem here. It's her choice to date low-quality men. This is a guy who's going out of his way to create fantasy relationships with women he's paying. Big red flag. Maybe it's a wake-up call for him, but I tend to agree with the notion that that past performance is the best indicator of future performance. Now this guy should be seeking professional assistance to deal with his issues, but hopefully she understands the fundamental truth that you can't change others, you can only change yourself. So who she can help here is herself.
She's had a history of abuse and the sad reality is that many people who were abused - particularly as children - are attracted to people, even subconsciously, who are abusers. Overcoming these embedded attractors take not only thorough introspection to overcome but most often, professional assistance. The good news is that she seems to be self-aware enough to realize that she's co-dependent upon this guy to make her feel safe. She would certainly benefit from counseling/therapy and personal development work to become the kind of person who attracts high-quality men.
Regardless of whether she stays in this relationship or not, the choice to help herself by seeking out immediate, professional guidance to address her past abuse issues and understand why she's attracted to unhealthy people would be a great start. Because even if she decides to leave this guy, if she doesn't work on herself, she's just going to continue to repeat the same pattern and date the same type of guy in a different body over and over and over...
Explain to her about the need for boundaries in a relationship. Tell her that his getting angry and defensive is a huge red flag that she should not ignore. He is showing her who he is, and she should believe him. Tell her not to fear that he is the only man who will be attracted to her. She should respect herself, and look for a man who will bring out the best in her, rather than someone who lies and justifies disrespectful behavior.
She shouldn't be living with someone at 22.
But, she now knows something very important about who this man is, and she should act on that information. Hint, marriage and children would be a major mistake.
She shouldn't be living with someone at 22.
But, she now knows something very important about who this man is, and she should act on that information. Hint, marriage and children would be a major mistake.
Those chat sites pop-up all the time; the ads basically support the free sites. I do not know the cost, but assume that it is at least a few $ per minute - like the 1(900) numbers of old - on late night commercials.
Advice - based on what his parents said, porn has been part of his sex life for some time prior to his relationship with "Sue". It likely will be part of their relationship, albeit secretly until he grows out of it. Many people do not view porn as harmful or cheating. The only advice I have is for them to have a discussion and set boundaries. Him spending $ they do not have on porn or anything else is not acceptable. Her trying to match a 23 y-o's libido may not be possible or desireable. While others hardily disagree, porn may be able to provide him that variety he might be curious about without him straying. Interactive porn - chat sites - is just part of the boundary discussion.
Those chat sites pop-up all the time; the ads basically support the free sites. I do not know the cost, but assume that it is at least a few $ per minute - like the 1(900) numbers of old - on late night commercials.
Advice - based on what his parents said, porn has been part of his sex life for some time prior to his relationship with "Sue". It likely will be part of their relationship, albeit secretly until he grows out of it. Many people do not view porn as harmful or cheating. The only advice I have is for them to have a discussion and set boundaries. Him spending $ they do not have on porn or anything else is not acceptable. Her trying to match a 23 y-o's libido may not be possible or desireable. While others hardily disagree, porn may be able to provide him that variety he might be curious about without him straying. Interactive porn - chat sites - is just part of the boundary discussion.
900 bucks in, I'd say it's a big part of the boundary discussion.
She is not going to win that battle, porn addiction cuts very deep and is a very difficult hole from which to get out. He is not likely to give it up, particularly since he hasn't already given what you describe has happened. Unfortunately, she needs to immediately get out of the relationship or realize she's in for a long, difficult, painful road.
There's quite a bit more going on than just "looking", right?
Quote:
Originally Posted by sinnister
900 dollars is a lot of money to masturbate. Somebody better be touching me for that amount of money.
I'm sure she wonders the same thing, but has found no evidence to prove anything. Only one email with a reference to the meeting they'd been discussing.
It is a large investment for 'just a show'.
FWIW - he spent money they do not have. He was able to pay off the debt but came up short in other areas leading to further financial problems.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SprucHub
Interactive porn - chat sites - is just part of the boundary discussion.
I had not considered this angle. I suppose I can see a boundary issue up until the point personal email addresses & phone numbers are exchanged. It seems to morph into a personal relationship at that point - likely an EA intent on becoming a PA.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SprucHub
While others hardily disagree, porn may be able to provide him that variety he might be curious about without him straying.
I'm very curious about this. H and I were discussing this recently. Is there some 'extra' sexual need porn 'addicts' have? And, what about the degradation type of porn (feces, urine, etc)? Is this designed for shock value or do some people have a stronger need for this?
I'm wondering if there exists two separate sexual areas in their lives? One they share with their partner, and one that's designed only for strangers? You know, the type of behavior few men would request of their wives...?
Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
Most porn nowadays is free online and it's good quality and there are hundreds of legit sites that have no malware or viruses, and I should know because I check it out from time to time while the wife is in her "cutting me off" mode.
Please read the links in my signature. Porn addiction is a form of sex addiction.
My advice to this young lady would be to chalk this relationship up to a learning experience, work on her self esteem, and learn not to depend on other people for her own happiness, so that when she does find 'Mr. Right' she chooses to be with him because she wants to be and because she loves who he is, not because she thinks he will make her happy.
5Likes 
Porn advice for a young friend 
