Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Not trying to give bad advice here but your kids are the most important.
1) Do you still sleep in the same bed?
2) Is he aware that the chemistry isn't there?
3) I recommend the next time a man approaches you at the mall, a bar, coffee shop, etc. talk it up with him, get to know him. I am not telling you to sleep with him but maybe get his email address and communicate that way. If you end up sleeping with him and feel guilty then you love your husband. If you don't regret the affair then you don't love him.
4) Feeling wanted, desired and lusted after is human nature. Men and women both need it. If you have a lover on the side and nobody knows about it, it may be what you need. Alot of men and women cheat these days. I am not condoning it but I know a woman that meets up with her lover every month and believe me it helps her needs. She has 2 young kids and doesn't want them being separated from their parents but after seeing him she is happier. She would never leave her husband but I know she is alot happier now then before she met him.
Who I am to judge? Maybe her husband is a bad lover, doesn't give her attention or maybe she is bored of the same sex, etc. but I know she is a happier person now than before and since she is happier it makes her a better mother. Sad but true.
This is such bad advice that I'm stunned. If this is your way of thinking perhaps going to a forum that is for people who cheat would be a better fit for you?
Most people, if they any conscience at all would end up devastated by having an affair... as most WS... they will tell you that the affair ended up causing them so much pain that it was not worth it in the end.
Either your friend in a narcissist/psychopath or at some point the guilt and disgust in herself will hit her hard. She will suffer for what she is doing. She will most likely be caught by her husband.
Instead of working on herself and her marriage she has chosen to expose herself and him to STD’s. Instead of saving her children’s family she is destroying it. And you are cheering her on?
Not trying to give bad advice here but your kids are the most important.
1) Do you still sleep in the same bed?
2) Is he aware that the chemistry isn't there?
3) I recommend the next time a man approaches you at the mall, a bar, coffee shop, etc. talk it up with him, get to know him. I am not telling you to sleep with him but maybe get his email address and communicate that way. If you end up sleeping with him and feel guilty then you love your husband. If you don't regret the affair then you don't love him.
4) Feeling wanted, desired and lusted after is human nature. Men and women both need it. If you have a lover on the side and nobody knows about it, it may be what you need. Alot of men and women cheat these days. I am not condoning it but I know a woman that meets up with her lover every month and believe me it helps her needs. She has 2 young kids and doesn't want them being separated from their parents but after seeing him she is happier. She would never leave her husband but I know she is alot happier now then before she met him.
Who I am to judge? Maybe her husband is a bad lover, doesn't give her attention or maybe she is bored of the same sex, etc. but I know she is a happier person now than before and since she is happier it makes her a better mother. Sad but true.
Great ideas! While we're at it, let's throw birth control and condoms at the kids as soon as they turn 12 so that they too can experience the joys of sex for no other reason that it feels good. And if we really want to be responsible adults and look out for the best interests of our children, we can tell them to just stick to oral sex only so that they don't accidentally become pregnant nor cause pregnancies. All the pleasure, no risk of "ruining your life" by having kids too early... F'n A Awesome!
Of course there will be those nagging little inconveniences that the adults and kiddo's would have to go through in order to maintain this heightened sense of "evolved" living. I'm talking about those little things really when you put them within context of the "greater good" that will come about through being highly sophisticated people that can truly recognize sex for what it really is. What are those little things I speak of? Why, therapy and anti-depressants of course!
It's tough at first to learn how to be such highly evolved people who aren't chained to such outdated modes of thinking like "responsibility", "duty", "commitment" and "love" and not become sick to your stomach by being racked with guilt and diminished feelings of self worth. But with enough therapy and drugs, we can overcome these Philistine points of views and become truly enlightened...
Thank you everyone for your advice. I don't have anyone to have these conversations with, so i really appreciate your time and effort. Like i said before, i don't want him to touch me so i'll start by building up to spending more time togethr alone. Right it's once a week for about 2 hours. I will try to get to 15 hours, as suggested.
I don't remember all of your questions but I'll try. my husband's physical appearance is just fine. h ehas changed some but it isn't an issue for me. We have been married 11 years. he has gained some weight,but it matters to him not me. Some times he wears the same smelly clothes for days a ta time and that bothers me.
I have some issues that I know i need counselling for , that would help us but these issues aren't all there is to my lack of desire for my husband.
Please use whole words. Except for w/o, I don't know what all of the abbreviations are. I don't know how to text.I have never texted in my life and am not about to start.
I know some of these reasons for my lack of desire for him and am willing and currently trying to find other or all of the answers. However, reasons weren't my reason for the original post, possible solutions was.
This is a radical suggestion, but may work. Don't know, hopefully others with more knowledge and experience will chime in.
Why not talk to him and set out a timetable for increasing your intimacy. I can see how saying "I don't want you to touch me" is an awkward thing to say, but can you gain additional closeness by working through the problem together? And would it be easier to have the issue out in the open where at least he can support you.
It might be easier for him to endure a long period of no touch followed by sexless touch if he knows what is going on and sees something is being done about it.
I haven't ever had any affair and I don't want to. If we end up getting divorced that wouldrip my family apart on its own. Adding something like that into the mix and into our lives would make it 10 times moe awful. I'm not judging anyone , because I haven't walked a mile in thier shoes, but fortunately, infidelity hasn't been an isuse in our marriage.
We were in therapy together and I was in therapy alone, but we can not afford it any more. We couldn't afford it then and were getting to the point of not being able to pay our mortgage, so therapy had to stop.
I can't say I understand exactly what you are going through, but the fact that you are wanting to work though it and it looks like your H wanting to work with you sounds like a good start.
I pray it works out for you.
Answer this for me...what is different in the way he conducts himself day to day now, versus when you met him and fell in love with him?
What's his daily routine now, versus then?
Does he have any hobbies now? Then?
Did you feel like you had to work to keep him then, but don't now?
Has he fallen into a pattern of kissing your butt, doing all kinds of house chores, giving you massages to try and relax you, trying to romance you because that's what you've asked for? When he didn't necessarily do all of these things before?
I'm going on a hunch here. A hunch that you were attracted to him once, and no longer are. You no longer are because you KNOW he's not going anywhere. Instead of confronting you on your "crap" like maybe he used to (listen to me here, that's not a dig on you, we all give each other a certain amount of "crap" in marriage), he now just shrugs it off, accepts it, and tries to do even more things now (house work, cooking dinners, sending flowers, etc.) to make you feel "good" and "kiss your butt" because that's what either you told him or he believes?
Explode...how would you feel right now if you saw a woman flirting with him (not him flirting with her, but rather her flirting with him)? Jealous? Or would you not care. How would you feel if he started to pull away, to a point where you even thought he may leave? Scared? Not care?
I'm genuinely curious here. We see this so much on this forum (and elsewhere in life). I really feel that when either party stops requiring that their partner fulfil them, and treat them well, and just accept the small, bad things, that these things snowball. And respect and desire is lost. Can that be it? Truthful answer requested. Think about it. Do you feel like you no longer need to "chase him" or "please him" in order for him to stick around like maybe you did at the beginning of the relationship? Again, not a dig on you at all. My belief is it has more to do with him not seeing this, and giving you what you NEED, a man that you have to work a little to keep, instead of the lapdog that you know is never going anywhere and is constantly underfoot, despite the fact you kick him and forget to feed him from time to time?
He obviously sounds like a great husband and father. BUT, is he giving you what you need to feel attracted to him and respect him on an attraction level?
I ask this, because we see so often the advice is to "do more", and it yields no results for men. Now here, in you, we have the woman at the other end of this story. The one that no matter what he does, you're not attracted, and may even be feel repulsive towards him sexually. He's a good, solid guy. Why are you not attracted to him? That's a serious question. My belief is being a "good solid guy" is not enough to maintain a partners attraction. Now, yes, you should feel lucky to have such a guy, but what can he do to re-attract himself to you?
Has he fallen into a pattern of kissing your butt, doing all kinds of house chores, giving you massages to try and relax you, trying to romance you because that's what you've asked for? When he didn't necessarily do all of these things before?
Like so many, you make the assumption that house chores are women's work and men should not do them. The issue is not that if a man does house chores his wife will not respect him. The issue is that women do not like or respect a man who waits on them with the expectation that it will buy sex.
Women do like/respect and are attracted to men who pull their own weight and take care of their crap. Doing housework won't get a man laid. But doing his part to take care of the household (which includes his share of housework) will gain a man respect and attraction from his wife.
This is an important distinction.
Likewise, a husband meeting his wife's needs can be a huge turn on for a woman, as long as he is not doing it to buy sex. A woman can tell the motivation from a mile away.
Have you ever read the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"?
ElleGirl
"Likewise, a husband meeting his wife's needs can be a huge turn on for a woman, as long as he is not doing it to buy sex. A woman can tell the motivation from a mile away."
OK, then. If he's going to be denied "sex" or anything else which he thought matrimony would bestow upon him, what should he expect to get in return?
In the traditional marriage where the husband was the sole financial provider, it usually fell on his spouse to provide solution for the daily household tasks.
If they both work, then obviously they should be SHARED.
Once the "new" wears off it should be up to BOTH to rekindle whatever is missing.
Well Donny64 our situation is a little of the opposite. When we were first married we both worked and went to school. WE both cleaned house, did laundry, paid the bills, etc. Now he is the only one with an income. I am a full time stay at home mom. I do all of the household chores. I am fine with doing most, since I am at home,but he will not do anything. He doesn't even reach across the table to get his fork at meal time. We have 2 special needs children and i have to make 3 three seperate dinners most nights because of that. So gettting everything to the table can get kinda crazy each night. He can see or hear me trying to get all of the meals cooked and manage the kids, while our youngest will literally sit on my foot so i have to walk back and forth across the kitchen with her on my leg and he will not help unless or until I am screaming nad crying.
Well Donny64 our situation is a little of the opposite. When we were first married we both worked and went to school. WE both cleaned house, did laundry, paid the bills, etc. Now he is the only one with an income. I am a full time stay at home mom. I do all of the household chores. I am fine with doing most, since I am at home,but he will not do anything. He doesn't even reach across the table to get his fork at meal time. We have 2 special needs children and i have to make 3 three seperate dinners most nights because of that. So gettting everything to the table can get kinda crazy each night. He can see or hear me trying to get all of the meals cooked and manage the kids, while our youngest will literally sit on my foot so i have to walk back and forth across the kitchen with her on my leg and he will not help unless or until I am screaming nad crying.
Well, I think what you wrote here is important to know. Having special need kids, house bound, and lack of empathy from your husband is taking their toll with you. You cant get away from this environment for a rest, or do you?
Low sex drive is probably your body defense mechanism to stop you from having another child.
We were watching Hope Springs and my wife commented that the Meryl Streep character seemed entirely normal in every aspect of her feelings toward her husband and her her marriage in that after a while you shouldn't want or expect to feel or want or desire anything and life is simply a series of chores, duties, obligations and habits. And that the ending - I won't spoil it, seemed forced and stupid.
So feeling nothing is, according to her, precisely what is supposed to happen.
explode, it appears that you have extracted everything you felt you wanted from him in the ten years you have been together. Now you no longer want him. Just what he can provide for you and his(?) children.
In most cases, the courts will side with you and help you bleed him out after the dissolution.
Wow, I wish there was a "dislike" button here sometimes. Very presumptuous.
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Re: i feel nothing for him 
