Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I didn't want to hijack someone else's thread, but I too am feeling very concerned that I do not want sex with my husband of 11 years.
We have had major issues before... Physically and emotionally. Things are better... NOT great, but emotionally we are better than we were a year ago.
My husband has a habit of not being there for me when I need him... Which causes me to have up and down feelings about him.
Here's the thing... I don't do porn. I definitely want sex, just not with him. He's a good looking man... He's a decent father. But, he takes me for granted and I think it's made me resentful. We went to therapy. Been there, done that. He won't go back without a lot of fights.
What do I do? I find myself daydreaming about other men. No I'm not having an affair... Emotional or physical. I just can't seem to find intimacy with my husband.
Hormones are fine... It's just plain him and me. There's a wall. I know he wants to have sex... But he doesn't ask for it.
No. In fact, I started writing books on the side for extra money when he wasn't working. And I've been writing heavy romance/erotica. It has put me in a strange position where I think about sex do much because if it. He started reading it the other day and put it down and said "wow I need a shower". But he didn't say anything more. Truthfully, I didn't want him either. Ugh. It's frustrating.
He has these big dreams that I'm going to become a millionare author and he talks about how he can quit his job when I do. But right now I work full time and all my spare time is .. Writing .. Or trying to be a good parent. I think his pressure On me is contributing to this. I've told him that before.. And he just says that "he just believes in me and my ability". I don't know.
Well I have a thread on the relationship stuff about how he fails me when I need his help. He didn't get me a bday gift a couple of weeks ago... He didn't help me care for our son in the middle of a work crisis. He just becomes "unavailable".
We try to do date night once a week or so.. But that is typically dinner and drinks and he ends up drunk. I get even more repulsed by that.
He also has this thing where he becomes silly. He starts singing off tune and dances in the most bizarre nerd way and it is so annoying to me. I have tried to ignore. Then I began to ask him nicely ... Please don't do that... And he doesn't listen.
He just continues to dance like a crazy person and sing in high pitched voices. It drives me nuts.
QUOTE=EleGirl;965809]How is he not there for you when you need him?
How much time a week to the two of you spend together... just the 2 of you?[/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
I wish people would weigh in cuz I am in same boat!
11 yrs. He is very helpful and there for me...but I do jot want or desire at all
I work. He doesn't which bugs the craps out of me. And same exact date nite drunk then I am annoyed. I know I have a wall up but asking myself latley....I work, I put up with the drunken b.s. a lot, we don't have kids and there is no passion.....why stay? I am 40 and feel like I want a new chapter.only things keeping me stuck is the idea of dealing with our possewions and him resisting the break up
Anyone else feel same? Any suggestions?
No. In fact, I started writing books on the side for extra money when he wasn't working. And I've been writing heavy romance/erotica. It has put me in a strange position where I think about sex do much because if it. He started reading it the other day and put it down and said "wow I need a shower". But he didn't say anything more. Truthfully, I didn't want him either. Ugh. It's frustrating.
He has these big dreams that I'm going to become a millionare author and he talks about how he can quit his job when I do. But right now I work full time and all my spare time is .. Writing .. Or trying to be a good parent. I think his pressure On me is contributing to this. I've told him that before.. And he just says that "he just believes in me and my ability". I don't know.
Posted via Mobile Device
in your other post you said you don't do porn .......but you right porn? erotica is considered porn by definition. another famous double standard.
Him not asking for sex, you not wanting him but wanting sex. It becomes a vicious circle. He is not asking because he may feel like it is begging. Do you try talking about it? How about just climbing back on that horse for the next couple of days and knock it out? You may feel different about him and he may act differently with you.
I am religious but my husband insisted I start writing erotica to help us into an early retirement. I've resisted forever but now we are tight financially. He was happy to take 5 days unpaid to go on vaca but then insists that I don't take a day off of writing. In all honesty, the book fifty shades has changed the way people see erotica and now it's what my husband is pressuring me to write. But... You are right.. It is a double standard. One I truly worry about because I'm religious. Also.. My husband told my COWORKERS behind my back that I was writing this... Even though I told him that no one was to know about it.
As for trying to get back with my husband? You are probably correct with the suggestion... But I hate that I don't WANT to. You know? I just don't. He never hugs me anymore... Never touches me.
QUOTE=mahike;966310]Him not asking for sex, you not wanting him but wanting sex. It becomes a vicious circle. He is not asking because he may feel like it is begging. Do you try talking about it? How about just climbing back on that horse for the next couple of days and knock it out? You may feel different about him and he may act differently with you.[/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
Interesting post. From a mans perspective I have a problem of just not understanding what is wanted/needed from me.
We are simple creatures and sometimes need it spelled out as to what you want as a woman.
I struggle with this all the time, I want to be there for my wife but i do it at the wrong times. I think i'm doing the right thing at the right time but its not. For example i tend to work alot looking at emails etc and then trying to make an effort in another way which sometimes works and some times not.
I think we all assume that the other person knows what we mean when we say i want this but without giving a real explanation to them about what it is we actually want.
I would suggest you guys sit down and take some time to just talk. I know its hard and it can take a while to click and become comfortable with it but you should both make the effort to listen to each others needs and truely understand what it is you both want.
You will hopefully find you both want the same thing but are just not saying it in the way the other understands.
We are simple creatures and sometimes need it spelled out as to what you want as a woman.
I struggle with this all the time, I want to be there for my wife but i do it at the wrong times. I think i'm doing the right thing at the right time but its not. For example i tend to work alot looking at emails etc and then trying to make an effort in another way which sometimes works and some times not.
I think we all assume that the other person knows what we mean when we say i want this but without giving a real explanation to them about what it is we actually want.
I would suggest you guys sit down and take some time to just talk. I know its hard and it can take a while to click and become comfortable with it but you should both make the effort to listen to each others needs and truely understand what it is you both want.
You will hopefully find you both want the same thing but are just not saying it in the way the other understands.
We do learn but slowly.
Add to this that men and women tend to communicate differently. Women add a lot in their body language and tone that many men don't pick up. So a man can listen to the words but miss much of what is being communicated. With that, it is important to try different ways of saying the same thing to increase the chance of effectively communicating.
Letting your huband know what you need in a couple of different ways increases the chances that he will understand what you want.
Also, if you are not quite sure what you want or need, admit that. Telling him something to just have a reason will only cause problems later. Be honest.
I agree that talking would do a lot of good. But, I have tried this through therapy. We just end up back in our own ruts.
Do most wives want to please their husbands? I realized the other day that I haven't bought any new underwear or anything close in a long time. I really don't care.. Even though I'm sure I should.
I guess I'm resentful that all of our family pressure falls on my shoulders and truthfully all I want to do is be able to stay home and raise our son. He keeps telling me I will be able to do that by being a writer... But he never offers to get a part time job or anything to help make our lives easier. He just dumps all the responsibility on me. I am paying a nanny gobs and feeling guilty about all my missed time with the kids. It sucks. Especially since I am the breadwinner and he keeps hinting that he wants to quit his job.
How do I deal with that and then want to have sex with him? I just don't.
Quote:
Originally Posted by virgil
Interesting post. From a mans perspective I have a problem of just not understanding what is wanted/needed from me.
We are simple creatures and sometimes need it spelled out as to what you want as a woman.
I struggle with this all the time, I want to be there for my wife but i do it at the wrong times. I think i'm doing the right thing at the right time but its not. For example i tend to work alot looking at emails etc and then trying to make an effort in another way which sometimes works and some times not.
I think we all assume that the other person knows what we mean when we say i want this but without giving a real explanation to them about what it is we actually want.
I would suggest you guys sit down and take some time to just talk. I know its hard and it can take a while to click and become comfortable with it but you should both make the effort to listen to each others needs and truely understand what it is you both want.
You will hopefully find you both want the same thing but are just not saying it in the way the other understands.
IMHO the husband needs to assume the role of a REAL MAN in order to attract you back to him romantically. The change has to come from him. He senses the emotional wall very likely as well if he is the least bit introspective. He seeks an expression of love from his spouse, through the physical sharing of intimacy and by being admired and respected for the job he does as a husband and father. If those expressions are not happening he is probably not getting what he needs from the relationship either.
You are obviously not feeling attracted to him as he drinks irresponsibly and acts as a child. He has important responsibilities. He needs to take the burden of the harshest challenges life throws at your family squarely on his shoulders. He needs to provide a trustworthy and secure home and courageously defend it and those he loves. He needs to be an active lover and lead with his examples of sharing love (not a Bday card...seriously). He needs to be steady and reliable and live with conviction. He needs to be your rock.
Many men have either never learned or forgotten what it means to be a man, the head of the family. There are so many strong, capable women these days that some men can be quick to relinquish their paternal position. It may take a year or five or ten, but if he won't pick up the flag and get back out front and lead, it can end badly. He may have a hard time attracting you back to the bedroom until he does.
The question is how do I inspire that in him? I have been through therapy with him and begged for his understanding. Even the darn therapist told him. But it just doesn't seem to go anywhere.
But you are 110 percent dead on. Thank you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cre8ify
IMHO the husband needs to assume the role of a REAL MAN in order to attract you back to him romantically. The change has to come from him. He senses the emotional wall very likely as well if he is the least bit introspective. He seeks an expression of love from his spouse, through the physical sharing of intimacy and by being admired and respected for the job he does as a husband and father. If those expressions are not happening he is probably not getting what he needs from the relationship either.
You are obviously not feeling attracted to him as he drinks irresponsibly and acts as a child. He has important responsibilities. He needs to take the burden of the harshest challenges life throws at your family squarely on his shoulders. He needs to provide a trustworthy and secure home and courageously defend it and those he loves. He needs to be an active lover and lead with his examples of sharing love (not a Bday card...seriously). He needs to be steady and reliable and live with conviction. He needs to be your rock.
Many men have either never learned or forgotten what it means to be a man, the head of the family. There are so many strong, capable women these days that some men can be quick to relinquish their paternal position. It may take a year or five or ten, but if he won't pick up the flag and get back out front and lead, it can end badly. He may have a hard time attracting you back to the bedroom until he does.
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I need a sexual intervention 
