Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I have only been married for a few months. Before we were married, I knew that he liked anal play with toys but now he has joined one of the websites to look for a man. He originally said he would like for us both to use it -- but I never asked for that nor wanted it. I don't have anyone to talk about this either. When I came across your post while looking for a solution, I thought I would drop a line. Any ideas?
I agree with some of the other threads I found that forbidding it may only cause another set of problems.
Marriage only has room for two... if he is gay and gets no satisfaction from a W, then the marriage should end, but I suspect he is just having some new curiosities, wants to explore further along the sexuality spectrum... Two things I can think of for advice: hormones and lifestyle - I have heard that hormone levels have little to do with sexual orientation, however I think they have a lot to do with submissiveness and if his testosterone is lower he won't be getting the same drive to "dominate"... my other recommendation is to get a strap-on and use it on him (if it is something you'd be open to doing).
If he is trying to insist on inviting others into your marital bed though, I'd be real concerned, no good will come of that, especially if that is something you both are not wanting to do (and if it were your marriage is just an illusion anyway).
I read an interesting article recently about men being gay vs bisexual and this article based on numerous studies is rather convincing in that there really is no true male bisexuality, a guy is either straight or gay. A bisexual guy is gay even if he has sex with a woman from time to time.
Your husband is most likely gay, and worse yet he's in denial and worse than that he's trying to drag you into his alternative lifestyle.
I'm not usually one to throw up a post and say "divorce him right away!" but in this case?
Nothing to save here. He's gay, you got blindsided, it hasn't been that long that you've been married, cut your losses and get out.
By the way, anal play doesn't indicate gayness, lots of guys including myself enjoy the pleasures of having our ass stimulated with vibrators and such.
The only exception is when a guy wants the woman to wear a strap on, which makes her symbolic of another man and that's a red flag for him being gay.
I read an interesting article recently about men being gay vs bisexual and this article based on numerous studies is rather convincing in that there really is no true male bisexuality, a guy is either straight or gay. A bisexual guy is gay even if he has sex with a woman from time to time.
Your husband is most likely gay, and worse yet he's in denial and worse than that he's trying to drag you into his alternative lifestyle.
I'm not usually one to throw up a post and say "divorce him right away!" but in this case?
Nothing to save here. He's gay, you got blindsided, it hasn't been that long that you've been married, cut your losses and get out.
By the way, anal play doesn't indicate gayness, lots of guys including myself enjoy the pleasures of having our ass stimulated with vibrators and such.
The only exception is when a guy wants the woman to wear a strap on, which makes her symbolic of another man and that's a red flag for him being gay.
I say those studies are BS, because in your case I suppose I'm gay even though I've never been with a man, nor ever even come close to wanting to, I am completely sexually aroused by women, however the thought of a woman "pegging" me can also be arousing at times, and when I was at the end of my rope in my sexless marriage even the fantasy of a live warm c0ck in me brought me a strange comfort - I have no intention to make that a reality, though suppose I'd be open to the possibility if in some unusual way it were to present itself, I just have no desire for any dude it would be attached to, and trannies don't change anything about that. It seems many men who are also straight have admitted to exploring such experiences in university or the military, but then have put that in the past.
Though that is a phase I seem to have mostly left behind me, I still consider myself straight, I'm completely sexually attracted to women, but will say that the yearnings for phallic symbols suddenly felt changed my whole opinion of sexuality...I don't know where they came from, or where they mostly went but my lust is still completely fueled by sexy women and my desire to fvck them.
So when some woman comes to TAM wondering about her H's fantasies, I would NEVER go straight to suggesting divorce because he's "gay". I would advise communication, counselling and therapy to understand where those thoughts are coming from them and determine if each partners needs can be met in the marriage or not. Nor would I suggest she get tested for STD's unless there are signs of infidelity. Though this marriage is only a couple months old, so if this issue is coming up so soon, maybe you all are right and this guy just can't be sexually attracted to his W, in which case maybe it can be annulled.
I have only been married for a few months. Before we were married, I knew that he liked anal play with toys but now he has joined one of the websites to look for a man. He originally said he would like for us both to use it -- but I never asked for that nor wanted it. I don't have anyone to talk about this either. When I came across your post while looking for a solution, I thought I would drop a line. Any ideas?
I agree with some of the other threads I found that forbidding it may only cause another set of problems.
What are your thoughts about this? Are you OK with a marriage that includes, with set boundaries, sexual relationships with other people? Would this meet your needs, too?
If the answer to these questions is no, then I think you need to tell your partner that this isn't going to work for you.
If the answer is yes or maybe, then look into your own desires--what do you want? Non-traditional marriages can be successful (I have one going on 13 years!). But you have to be clear about boundaries, what you want, and what your intentions are.
It might be helpful to visit a polyamory or open marriage forum to get some advice from people who have been there. I have not found that this forum really gives much space for this kind of discussion (which is fine--that's the way this forum is, and there are others for that purpose).
Also, I think you really need to discuss with your husband why he wants this. Has he always known he is bi? If he has, then why didn't he discuss this with you before? I think you need to let him speak, without judgment, and hear exactly where he is in terms of the relationship and what he wants out of it.
Divorce him. Joining a hook up site is reason enough. I doubt a strapped-on wife is going to be enough for him if he's into guys vs. women.
Um, he could be into both.
It's not fair for him to spring this on you, obviously, but jumping to conclusions without actually asking him seems silly. People are more complicated than this.
Yeah, he's definitely freaking out about marriage and looking for an escape. DO NOT FALL FOR HIS GAMES! You may be able to rope him in again and get a second chance but the need is still going to be there. Unless this is all due to a porn addiction and his wild side will subside with other activities I say he's not ready for marriage to a man or woman.
BUT don't take our word for it. Ask him directly and find out for yourself if he even wants to be married or if this marriage is somehow restricting him.
I have heard that hormone levels have little to do with sexual orientation
probably true, but they do have a lot to to with defining masculinity, which for a lot of men they demonstrate as dominant and manly (which of course a lot of women also happen to find attractive) - ie nature of the sexes... Now when a man experiences a loss in his testosterone (through aging, depression, family routine and passivity), a lot of those masculine characteristics don't carry the same importance, so in my personal opinion and experience along with some sexual frustration about women, suddenly they may see a whole new alternative to meeting some sexual needs... it may present a certain appeal, for some. But this OP's H just married her, they are supposed to be in the honeymoon phase, screwing like rabbits.
I have only been married for a few months. Before we were married, I knew that he liked anal play with toys but now he has joined one of the websites to look for a man. He originally said he would like for us both to use it -- but I never asked for that nor wanted it. I don't have anyone to talk about this either. When I came across your post while looking for a solution, I thought I would drop a line. Any ideas?
I agree with some of the other threads I found that forbidding it may only cause another set of problems.
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My new husband wants to have sex with a man 
