Husband and no sex
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 08-06-2012, 02:55 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband and no sex

Hi everyone,

I am new to this thread and in need of some advice. I am a newlywed (going on 3 months) and recently found out my husband has been looking at porn for our entire relationship. We first started dating in 2008 and at first our sex life was great but in 2010 it died down to practically nothing. I was basically begging him to sleep with me, always having to ask him to touch me. He kept telling me he just wasn't sexual and I started to believe that (that is why I married him because I believed and trusted this was the truth). I could live with the fact that he wasn't sexual because I wasn't craving sex every day or anything. Any who, last Friday I found out he has been looking at pornography. I know this is what has ruined our intimacy. I am hurt beyond belief. I called a marriage counselor and we have our first appointment next week. I know the red flags were there before we got married but I honestly truly believed he just wasn't sexual bc some things happened in his childhood that made me think it would have some effect on his sex drive. Come to find out he is a very sexual man but chooses to look at online pornography rather than have a healthy normal sex life with his wife. So hurt. Please help!
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Old 08-06-2012, 05:10 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband and no sex

If you have been married for only 3 months you should probably get out of the marriage but wait and see what the therapist thinks.
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Old 08-06-2012, 05:32 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Went through this, too. Wait and see if he's willing to work on the problem with you. And I don't mean just showing up to marriage counseling. He has to take some active steps that show he's trying to change. If he does those things in the next six months then I think it's worth a try.
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Old 08-07-2012, 08:29 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I went through exactly the same thing. Wife caught me several times, but the behavior continued. This is only my opinion but, from a male point of view, perhaps your husband is afraid to ask you to do the things he is interested in watching in these porn movies? This was my problem. I wanted oral sex but, my wife was raised to believe it was "dirty" and turned me away for the longest time. Same for anal sex. There is a reason why your husband prefers to watch porn rather than have sex with you and I can almost guarantee it's not for the reason he's telling you. Most likely he wants something but is unwilling to approach you out of fear of rejection or embarrassment. Every man, and I am a man so I can speak for the rest of us, wether they admit it or not, all desire the same thing...a lady to take to church and a wh**e to take to bed. Are you providing him with both of those options? If you're not, that may be part of the problem. A sexually satisfied man has NO REASON to watch porn. My wife is all the porn I need. Again, this is just my honest opinion. I hope I didn't offend.
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Old 08-07-2012, 08:41 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband and no sex

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Kingsfan said: A sexually satisfied man has NO REASON to watch porn. My wife is all the porn I need. Again, this is just my honest opinion. I hope I didn't offend.
And a sexually satisfied woman will be more likely to be adventurous. The OP has only been married for 3 months and can't be expected to go from 0 to 100 without some input from her H. They need to build up intimacy and trust in their sex life before it can be expected to progress to the sort of thing he's watching.

OP, I'd definitely suggest counseling to your H, as what you're describing sounds intolerable.

Last edited by Cosmos; 08-07-2012 at 08:49 AM.
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Old 08-07-2012, 01:39 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thank you all for responding! I feel so alone in this situation and now he is telling me he is going to change and everything will go back to normal. But, I can't trust him right now... I have to rebuild the trust and it is going to be hard. I talk to him about it often because it makes me feel better... I have a right to know why he did this to me. We are starting counseling on Monday. Wish me luck!
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Old 08-07-2012, 02:59 PM   #7 (permalink)
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She says that they started dating in 2008 and their sex life was great. Sounds like it went from 100 to 0.
Sorry, I missed that.

However, cutting down on sex in favour of porn, rather than discussing things, isn't going to help matters. Hopefully counseling will help.
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Old 08-07-2012, 03:02 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Chris, You may be right... because when we weren't living together when we started dating we only saw each other once a week maybe. So that could be a reason, but he told me he has been looking at porn since he hit puberty. I'm not sure if I was a new catch or something and then it got boring.. not sure. I keep asking him to spice it up but he says there is no need. I looked at the porn he was looking at and it is just your standard man and woman, no kinky stuff involved.
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Old 08-07-2012, 03:04 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Cosmos View Post
Sorry, I missed that.

However, cutting down on sex in favour of porn, rather than discussing things, isn't going to help matters. Hopefully counseling will help.
Def counseling....

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Old 08-11-2012, 01:22 PM   #10 (permalink)
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At least he admits there's a problem and is willing to go to counseling. That's a good sign and it means he wants to be with you and work things out. Give it time and give him a chance to overcome this.
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Old 08-12-2012, 01:35 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Give counseling a chance. I hope that your husband is one of those that beats his desrtuctive pattern that he has set for years. If your husband does not improve and show it with ACTIONS and consideration for you then dump him. His actions should be for years before you have children with him.

Your husband should not be allowed to veto any of the methods that you and the counselor agree upon. If your husband is not committed then leave him now. DO NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN until you are convinced that he has significantly improved and is considering you and has his porn under complete control.

Rejecting a spouse of sex for no good reason is emotional and physical abuse and is a violation of the marriage agreement.
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Old 08-12-2012, 02:18 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by kingsfan73 View Post
I went through exactly the same thing. Wife caught me several times, but the behavior continued. This is only my opinion but, from a male point of view, perhaps your husband is afraid to ask you to do the things he is interested in watching in these porn movies? This was my problem. I wanted oral sex but, my wife was raised to believe it was "dirty" and turned me away for the longest time. Same for anal sex. There is a reason why your husband prefers to watch porn rather than have sex with you and I can almost guarantee it's not for the reason he's telling you. Most likely he wants something but is unwilling to approach you out of fear of rejection or embarrassment. Every man, and I am a man so I can speak for the rest of us, wether they admit it or not, all desire the same thing...a lady to take to church and a wh**e to take to bed. Are you providing him with both of those options? If you're not, that may be part of the problem. A sexually satisfied man has NO REASON to watch porn. My wife is all the porn I need. Again, this is just my honest opinion. I hope I didn't offend.
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This does not explain a lot of men who have great sex lives with a very willing wife. But over time he turns to porn and online virtual sex sites. This does happen, I know for a fact.
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Old 08-12-2012, 02:25 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband and no sex

jacparr85,

I have read that there is a growing problem in the last few years of some men who get to the point of using online porn to the point that they cannot be sexual with a live woman. They basically get ED because of all the jacking off and high level of porn stimulation.

They might be able to be with a woman for a short period of time but over the long haul they cannot.

This is apparently especially a problem with the younger generation who have been using porn since young teen years.

There is hope however. What I read is that it takes a guy about 3-6 months of no porn use and no masterbation to bet back to normal sexual function with a real woman.

If your counselor does not know how to handle this, find one who does sex therapy and who knows.
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Old 08-12-2012, 03:37 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jacparr85 View Post
Thank you all for responding! I feel so alone in this situation and now he is telling me he is going to change and everything will go back to normal. But, I can't trust him right now... I have to rebuild the trust and it is going to be hard. I talk to him about it often because it makes me feel better... I have a right to know why he did this to me. We are starting counseling on Monday. Wish me luck!
I'm going to try to be as diplomatic as possible but it's going to be an effort based upon the contents of your post.

You begin your post by detailing the fact that the REASON you married him was because he wasn't very sexual. Strike one. That's a terrible reason to marry someone. You should marry someone because you love them, not because they don't want to have sex with you. If this is not what you intended to say, revisit your original post and make it crystal clear. Moving on...

When you found out that he was indeed looking at porn you then launched into a whole tirade about repairing the trust and that you're rubbing this into his face constantly because it makes you feel better. It makes you feel better because you like playing the victim. Stop it. This is about your husband, not your ego hurting.

With that said, since you're looking for a scapegoat, you can blame your husband - not the porn. If you didn't meet his needs sexually, he should have voiced this to you and then - if his needs were continued not to be met - he should have ended the relationship and found someone willing to share a satisfying sex life with him.

He should also have had the strength to go into individual counseling if his childhood sexual abuse was causing problems in his marriage but him hesitating to do this is, to me, far more understandable. As someone who has had both male and female friends who have been molested and raped as children, this is not an issue most people want to revisit.

So if you want to chastise your husband, chastise him for not communicating how important his sexual needs were to you. But if your goal is to help your husband and forgo the role of self-righteous ego-hurt angry wife, get him into individual therapy and SUPPORT him in dealing with his childhood sexual abuse issues. Don't make it about you being a victim. Make this about you being a caring wife who wants the best for her husband who was abused as a child.

Or, option three, bury your head in the sand and blame everything on porn.
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Old 08-15-2012, 08:22 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
This does not explain a lot of men who have great sex lives with a very willing wife. But over time he turns to porn and online virtual sex sites. This does happen, I know for a fact.

Yes this does happen.. It happened to me.. I am the wake me up in the middle of the night, when ever where ever type of woman. No is not in my vocabulary. Seriously. Maybe because i love sex myself. I could never reject the man i claim to love with all of my heart, hurting him would mean me hurting my self.

We were only having sex times 6 times a year! I would find porn on his computer and he said he would stop, he never did, he just hid it better then before.. My heart was broken , shattered more like it, that he would close that over me. He rejected me.

The more i asked him or tired to talk about it with him.. (I never got a strait answer. It was always this or that or it was him and not me type of crap.) It made everything worse.. Here i was trying to understand the WHY of things..

Anyway long story short at that point things had gotten so bad, that I Left him. He surprised me though on what he did after that.
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