Sexless, affectionless marriage, looking for advice

PHTlump · 08-08-2012, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by darnitall

Well I have tried being a d1ck to her too. lots of times, that didnt work either.

Being alpha is about being in charge, not being a jerk. You've probably had bosses that you respected, and even liked. But they were in charge and you did what they said. That's what being an alpha is like. You should be confident. You should be aloof. You should be secure. Don't act like a jerk. Act like a boss.

Read the blog Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. to see how to better handle your wife. And look at the 180 list for some tips The Healing Heart: The 180 .

You need to stop giving your wife power over you. Take your power back.

darnitall · 08-08-2012, 01:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Plan 9 from OS

It's not an either/or proposition. You can still make a 180 change and find more respect for yourself without having to be a d1ck about it. You know what they say about the bigger the man the harder the fall? Well, you sound like you could be a pretty tough guy. It is probably a feather in your wife's cap to be able to emasculate an otherwise strong individual. I do not mean this in a mean way at all. What I'm pointing out is that with her, you are too much of a pushover. You need to develop your inner strength so that your wife has no choice but to respect you for who you are. Again, it doesn't mean that you become the biggest d1ck in the world to her, it means that she sees that you have self respect and that you won't let anyone disrespect you. That is probably the thing that will get your wife to want to be with you if you still want her.

Ya I see what you mean. I am normally a well respected guy. I am not a pushover anywhere but home. At work I command respect from all my peers, even just a few months ago while travelling threw Equador with work I stood up to some homeless guy trying to rob one of my colleages. I just feel so defeated by my wife. I guess I need to be able to somehow show her she has not completely beaten me into the domesticated chore doing sexless husband yet. lol
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WorkingOnMe · 08-08-2012, 02:25 PM

I'll tell you two things. Number one, your actions are very very beta. I think you're lying to yourself if you don't recognize a need to change those behaviors. And number two, if divorce is completely off the table and out of the question, then there is no way to shift the power over to you. If she can act however she wants with no fear of you leaving then you're screwed.

SprucHub · 08-08-2012, 03:07 PM

I am in a similar situation - without the exes talk and flirty behavior, just do a lot around the house (not expected to though - I do what I can when I can) and have less than optimal sex life. So, no offense intended, but your W seems really bad. Are you sure she is not cheating? Are you sure the child is yours?

Assuming no cheating, you need to understand what you are thinking/feeling. Is it sex or affection you miss. Is it sex with her or sex in general. It is likely the rejection that is so hurtful. Once you understand yourself, you can express what you need.

If it is sex, you can say that the promise to forsake others is really also a promise to give your spouse a fulfilling sex life. If it is the rejection, you can say the rejection of sex is a rejection of you and all you do for your family. In either case, you are not happy and things will change or end. There is a reason for her rejecting you. It may not be a quick fix solution. It is her responsibility to figure out what that reason is. Walk up to her, tell her you'd like her to think about why she is asexual and inaffectionate toward you and tell her you're going to get a beer and will be back later. Give her a time frame to discuss - we can talk in 3 hours, tomorrow night after dinner . . .

There is no definitive solution, but certainly being more in charge and responsible for yourself. Do not be a d!ck, just more of a leader. More indifferent to her. You must feel it and believe it - you do not need her. Another thing that it sounds like is that you make her feel like you objectify her - she feels it's sex you want not her.

Hicks · 08-08-2012, 03:27 PM

Don't think about being a D!ick vs being Nice.

Think about being Attractive (manly) vs Unattractive (weak).

Being a d!ick is not what it's about.