To husbands of wives who deny them sex... - Page 5
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » To husbands of wives who deny them sex...

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Like Tree51Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 08-09-2012, 09:25 AM   #61 (permalink)
Member
 
SimplyAmorous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,081
Default Re: To husbands of wives who deny them sex...

Quote:
Originally Posted by moG247 View Post
missymrs80 and SimplyAmorous do you suggest a husband take this approach if his wife has been raped in the past prior to their marriage? Because my wife was raped during her time in the military and that puts a serious strain on our physical relationship...
No I most certainly would NOT -those are special & delicate circumstances to deal with...

I was never raped or anything close...In this book The Alchemy of Love and Lust - it speaks of such fantasies by women....it is accaully very common...some of these women are ashamed to admit this... which is why it is discussed in the book...

Explained here >>>

Quote:
Rape or near-rape fantasies are central to romance novels, one of the perennial best-selling categories in fiction. These books are often called "bodice-rippers" and have titles like Love's Sweet Savage Fury, which imply at least some degree of force. In them, a handsome cad becomes so overwhelmed by his attraction to the heroine that he loses all control and must have her, even if she refuses--which she does initially, but then eventually melts into submission, desire, and ultimately fulfillment.

Romance novels are often called "porn for women." Porn is all about sexual fantasies. In porn for men, the fantasy is sexual abundance--eager women who can't get enough and have no interest in a relationship. In porn for women as depicted in romance novels, the fantasy is to be desired so much that the man loses all control, though he never actually hurts the woman, and in the end, marries her. Women's Rape Fantasies: How Common? What Do They Mean? |



Quote:
I don't mean to sound like a jerk, but if I would have known then when I said "I do" what I know now, it's a strong chance that I would've said "I don't..."
I do not find you a jerk at all , I also would not want any of my sons to marry a woman who was raped, I've read too many stories of the aftermath and I know how it could near destroy a normal loving beautiful engaging sex life. I feel it would take a really special man to wade through all of that, very patient, grounded..it just wouldn't be easy at all.

Quote:
Don't get me wrong, I haven't always been a saint or a good husband; I've had infidelities in the past she knows about and I used to drink, smoke, and party our check away. But I've been trying to do better in the ladder years of marriage and accepted Jesus in my heart 5 years ago. And it seems like since then she has gotten worse, she has had several EA's in the last couple of years (none of them evolved to a PA to my knowledge) and even though the affairs are over she still turns me down and rejects my advances. I help around the house; dishes, laundry, bathroom, etc. I compliment her and open doors on a regular basis... So I've come a long way, but it feels like it's for nothing. She still blame her distance and lack of physical affection with me on her past and mental mindset. I'm Saved now and refuse to go out and satisfy my physical hunger outside of our marriage and don't want to leave or divorce her neither (I have always and will always Love her); but it's getting hard to keep this going.

I apologize for turning my question into a vent section, I'll get off my soapbox now; lol.
You 2 have really been through ALOT ! No need to apologize - good to hear many different thoughts & perspectives and your point is a good one! No man should ever entertain trying this on a woman with such a past!
SimplyAmorous is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 08-09-2012, 09:38 AM   #62 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 4
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
No I most certainly would NOT -those are special & delicate circumstances to deal with...

I was never raped or anything close...In this book The Alchemy of Love and Lust - it speaks of such fantasies by women....it is accaully very common...some of these women are ashamed to admit this... which is why it is discussed in the book...

Explained here >>>


Originally Posted by :
I don't mean to sound like a jerk, but if I would have known then when I said "I do" what I know now, it's a strong chance that I would've said "I don't..."
I do not find you a jerk at all , I also would not want any of my sons to marry a woman who was raped, I've read too many stories of the aftermath and I know how it could near destroy a normal loving beautiful engaging sex life. I feel it would take a really special man to wade through all of that, very patient, grounded..it just wouldn't be easy at all.


I do not find you a jerk at all , I also would not want any of my sons to marry a woman who was raped, I've read too many stories of the aftermath and I know how it could near destroy a normal loving beautiful engaging sex life. I feel it would take a really special man to wade through all of that, very patient, grounded..it just wouldn't be easy at all.

You 2 have really been through ALOT ! No need to apologize - good to hear many different thoughts & perspectives and your point is a good one! No man should ever entertain trying this on a woman with such a past!
God Bless you and Thank you for your response. And you're right it does take a special person to stay and wade through all of this, and I'm starting to doubt my "Specialty" and know that I deserve so much better. But I don't want to abandon her nor our kids...
Posted via Mobile Device

Last edited by moG247; 08-09-2012 at 10:00 AM.
moG247 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-09-2012, 10:40 AM   #63 (permalink)
Member
 
kingsfan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,695
Default Re: To husbands of wives who deny them sex...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post

So YES...fault on BOTH SIDES HERE, I am not faultless by any means. I could have NEVER been as patient as him under those circumstances. I don't understand this sort of passivity. I couldn't have lived with it -if the shoes were reversed.
I think men are generally more passive in regards to sexual expectations then women are. Not always, but in general. I think this comes from the world we live in now.

When a wife rejects a husband, that's nothing new. Look at this forum, everyday a few husbands join the ranks of thousands before who have come here complaining about not getting enough sex. It's so common, that in one new post from last night that I just read, a guy comes here complaining, doesn't really ask a question but was looking for feedback, and the first response to his post is from someone saying they don't know what he wants to hear, but this place is full of people like you so unless you have a real question, get in line. It's totally common for men to be rejected by their wives. So common, it's almost expected.

Perhaps your husband was passive because, deep down, that's what he thought was supposed to happen, that his wife will tell him when, why, what and how often?

In my marriage, that's basically what I did. I grew up in a a family where affection was rarely shown in front of the kids, so rare that I can only remember a handful of time my parents kissing each other, and always when my mom went to my dad. I'm sure they were aggressive elsewhere, but not in front of us. I'm not sure if this was even on purpose because, as I said, the issue of sex, affection, love, etc. was never discussed in our household. Likely if I had asked about it, it would have been discussed, but it didn't even occur to me to discuss it because it seemed so taboo. I knew my dad was 'into' women because of how he'd act when mom wasn't around and I was, but that was rare because dad worked two jobs and I could actually go a week without seeing him at times, outside of maybe at supper time.

So when I got involved with my wife, at first the sex was all the time. It was daily, sometimes multiple times a day. Eventually that fell off...and fell off... and fell off, to the point it was, in a good month, two times. To go weeks without wasn't uncommon for me.

But I didn't know any better. Based on what information I had (and this was back in the late 90's, so the internet wasn't what it is today), mostly derived from my family and from TV, men were supposed to want sex and women were supposed to not really be interested. You see it all the time in TV shows back then and even now. Seeing a sexually aggressive women was reserved for shows like 'Girls Gone Wild' and I knew that wasn't how things typically went.

So in my marriage, when the sex dropped off, for a long time I just thought that's what everyone elses marriage did as well. You got married, had kids, and that was about it. You had sex once in a while, but generally not very often and when you did, it was when the wife 'allowed' it.

I'm not sure about your husband, but I know I never had any friends I could talk to about sex and expectations regarding sex. Even my really good friends, I couldn't 100% trust that they wouldn't talk about it to their wives, and their wives were friends with my wife, and I knew it'd go badly if word got back to my wife that I was discussing our sex life with anyone. With my family, I had a longstanding belief (still do to a large degree) that you take care of your problems in house. My mom and dad never actually told me that, so it's likely my own fault for being like that, but my dad was such an amazing man and it seemed like there was no problem that he couldn't solve. I felt like a failure if I couldn't solve my problems, like I was less manly or something, so I'd never let him know I was weak. Counselling meanwhile was out of the question, both financially, egotistically for me (once again, solve my own problems, don't show weakness, etc.) and because I know my wife would have freaked if I had gone.

So instead of having an outlet, I stayed and I assumed that this is how marriage was. I didn't know better. It wasn't until I started talking to a co-worker, someone who I didn't care if they knew my problems and someone who was very unlikely to ever repeat it in a fashion to which it'd get back to my wife or friends or family, that I began to understand what I could have and that sex isn't just for single people. Marriage is actually strengthened through sex, and can easily be derailed by a lack there of.

Sorry for the long winded, crying on the therapists couch statement here, but I can understand why your husband may have been passive. He may genuienely felt that that's just the way things are, that he should be quiet about sex and be grateful for what he gets. Fear of rocking the boat can prevent you from pushing for what you want and need, as can a lack of understanding why you should be able to rock the boat in the first place.

Last edited by kingsfan; 08-09-2012 at 10:50 AM.
kingsfan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-09-2012, 10:45 AM   #64 (permalink)
Member
 
missymrs80's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: usa
Posts: 552
Default Re: To husbands of wives who deny them sex...

Quote:
Originally Posted by moG247 View Post
missymrs80 and SimplyAmorous do you suggest a husband take this approach if his wife has been raped in the past prior to their marriage? Because my wife was raped during her time in the military and that puts a serious strain on our physical relationship... I don't mean to sound like a jerk, but if I would have known then when I said "I do" what I know now, it's a strong chance that I would've said "I don't..." I don't know how much longer I can continue to walk around on eggshells and pay for something I didn't do. We've been married for 16yrs, and all I can take it is one day at a time. Don't get me wrong, I haven't always been a saint or a good husband; I've had infidelities in the past she knows about and I used to drink, smoke, and party our check away. But I've been trying to do better in the ladder years of marriage and accepted Jesus in my heart 5 years ago. And it seems like since then she has gotten worse, she has had several EA's in the last couple of years (none of them evolved to a PA to my knowledge) and even though the affairs are over she still turns me down and rejects my advances. I help around the house; dishes, laundry, bathroom, etc. I compliment her and open doors on a regular basis... So I've come a long way, but it feels like it's for nothing. She still blame her distance and lack of physical affection with me on her past and mental mindset. I'm Saved now and refuse to go out and satisfy my physical hunger outside of our marriage and don't want to leave or divorce her neither (I have always and will always Love her); but it's getting hard to keep this going.

I apologize for turning my question into a vent section, I'll get off my soapbox now; lol.
Posted via Mobile Device
You guys have A LOT of stuff going on....PTSD is real...triggers of traumatic events are real. It's her responsibility to get treatment for that. She may choose not to though. If she has frequent triggers that lead to her disassociating, EMDR therapy is helpful. Are you in any 12 step programs? If untreated addiction is present in your relationship, you will NEVER have a healthy fulfilling marriage. The denial on both ends might make it seem it's possible, but it's not. Read...after the affair; getting the love you want; and courage to heal for her AND there is a courage to heal book for spouses as well.


No I don't recommend anyone doing what I said in my initial post if their partner has untreated PTSD or unresolved traumas regarding rape or abuse. I have never been sexually abused, inappropriately touched, or raped.
missymrs80 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-09-2012, 10:57 AM   #65 (permalink)
Member
 
Racer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Denver
Posts: 2,322
Default Re: To husbands of wives who deny them sex...

Quote:
Originally Posted by missymrs80 View Post
No I don't recommend anyone doing what I said in my initial post if their partner has untreated PTSD or unresolved traumas regarding rape or abuse. I have never been sexually abused, inappropriately touched, or raped.
And right there is why my wife reacted like she did. Its also something so personal and deep, that she didn't 'let me in' on it. She mentioned it once while dating, but sort of brushed it off as it was a 'long time ago'. She'd never really dealt with the trauma (as I found out the hard way a decade later) and she dug into it during IC. The sexless started almost right after married... it was a commodity, not a emotional thing. Then the trigger event; This is when she went off the deep end and began the adultery.... And I was in the dark the whole time, so the way I handled it was wrong back then; More pressure, guilt and shame piled onto her..

If you are a secondary survivor (what they call those of us married to someone like that), google around. There are specific forums where you can find a lot of help.
Racer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-09-2012, 12:27 PM   #66 (permalink)
Member
 
SimplyAmorous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,081
Default Re: To husbands of wives who deny them sex...

Quote:
Originally Posted by kingsfan View Post
Perhaps your husband was passive because, deep down, that's what he thought was supposed to happen, that his wife will tell him when, why, what and how often?

In my marriage, that's basically what I did. I grew up in a a family where affection was rarely shown in front of the kids, so rare that I can only remember a handful of time my parents kissing each other, and always when my mom went to my dad. I'm sure they were aggressive elsewhere, but not in front of us. I'm not sure if this was even on purpose because, as I said, the issue of sex, affection, love, etc. was never discussed in our household. Likely if I had asked about it, it would have been discussed, but it didn't even occur to me to discuss it because it seemed so taboo.
BINGO- this was EXACTLY my husband's growing up experience. For the record, ours is NOTHING like this... we openly share & express affection in front of our kids - we feel this is healthy. We also talk about sex to our teenagers. We have a good old time, our teen boys even get a little naughty -going around putting "69" on my microwave & timers - (this must sound half crazy) but they are boys in puberty, their minds are overtaken and well... Mom is pretty cool about it -getting a good .

Quote:

So in my marriage, when the sex dropped off, for a long time I just thought that's what everyone elses marriage did as well. You got married, had kids, and that was about it. You had sex once in a while, but generally not very often and when you did, it was when the wife 'allowed' it.
My husband has told me (in hindsite)...he didn't want to rock the boat -because all the guys at work were getting less ....at least I always initiated -and enjoyed sex.

So he just played passive, I know he felt on top of this world when I came to him...he still got me going when he TRIED...pretty much every time... I recall falling asleep on him a time or 2 while he was still touching me only to wake up, get aroused & we went at it -his patience level was un freaking believable.. he never was much of a flirter though... I Think this would have really spiced up the mood -a little verbal -he was just too "quiet". He still is... this bugs me at times.

Quote:
I'm not sure about your husband, but I know I never had any friends I could talk to about sex and expectations regarding sex. Even my really good friends, I couldn't 100% trust that they wouldn't talk about it to their wives, and their wives were friends with my wife, and I knew it'd go badly if word got back to my wife that I was discussing our sex life with anyone.
I am not this type of wife, very OPEN and It wouldn't bother me a bit if he talked to his friends about such things -though he wouldn't bring up such a subject, only if others did , and with the guys at work, he joined in cracking those jokes that he only had sex 6 times (= 6 kids) (back then).

I am like the easiest darn woman to talk too... about ANYTHING UNDER THE SUN, yes I am opinionated, but I listen and closely... I want peace in my marriage. There was no reason on this god green earth for him to not come to me...other than his FEAR of more rejection. Which I don't believe for a second, I would have given him. We would have talked it out, he was always damn good to me and he deserved better.

I LOVE communication, even back then, I don't falt men for having feelings , I prefer a sensitive man... we used to write mushy love letters to each other in high school, I love the SAP! I worship honestly, even if I don't want to hear it...give it to me straight...If you are mad, LET IT FLY! Me being so different from him (not passive) didn't help me understand him back then.

Besides upbringing, he had another whammy - he has a naturally passive temperment- being a Phleg -Melancholy , combined with wanting to FEEL my "desire" on the onset , if not, in his mind, he felt less loved somehow. MY husband wouldn't raise a hand if he even entertained the idea he would be a "burden" in sex. IT would be a pure erection killer too. The near thought is repulsive to him.


Quote:
Sorry for the long winded, crying on the therapists couch statement here, but I can understand why your husband may have been passive. He may genuienely felt that that's just the way things are, that he should be quiet about sex and be grateful for what he gets. Fear of rocking the boat can prevent you from pushing for what you want and need, as can a lack of understanding why you should be able to rock the boat in the first place.
Well I thank you for your long windedness in this, because quite honestly, this subject came up last night between us, me reading this thread yesterday SADDENED me about our past , what we missed... I wasn't in a very good mood...and I do tend to want to blame him for his lack of talking and being more creative -when he was FEELING IT - instead of hiding it all under a bushel....so your words here GIVE ME SOME UNDERSTANDING FOR HIS MINDSET BACK THEN, like you are defending his positon. I need to hear it !

The problem with me is this... When I felt this way (HIGH DRIVE) ...I went out of my freaking way to turn him on -which has been wonderful (sex 5-6 times a week, variety, excitement, new novelty, I read books on how to please a man, I bought lingerie, sex games, I flirted with him, I introduced him to erotic massage, we tried new sex positions, I'd attack him when he got home pulling him upstairs for a BJ, wore heels cooking breakfast, planned Romantic HOT getaways, we rented porn, I talked about sex, damn I could write a book ! ).... when I sit here & compare the lack of how he handled our past, it tends to get under my skin.

But yeah.. I gotta let it go !!

Last edited by SimplyAmorous; 08-09-2012 at 12:54 PM.
SimplyAmorous is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-09-2012, 01:27 PM   #67 (permalink)
Member
 
kingsfan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,695
Default Re: To husbands of wives who deny them sex...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post

Besides upbringing, he had another whammy - he has a naturally passive temperment- being a Phleg -Melancholy , combined with wanting to FEEL my "desire" on the onset , if not, in his mind, he felt less loved somehow. MY husband wouldn't raise a hand if he even entertained the idea he would be a "burden" in sex. IT would be a pure erection killer too. The near thought is repulsive to him.
I'm glad my post helped you. That's the best thing of all to hear when you post something, so thank you for saying so!

Just a comment on the above, that's how I am. It's why I don't like 'duty' or 'chore' sex. It feels like you are forcing someone to have sex with you through emotional cohersion, and that is such a mood killer. I completely agree with your husband. As much as I may REALLY want it sometimes, if my fiancee isn't in the mood but says something along the lines of 'I guess so", I just tell her no thanks. It might piss me off, but it's still something I will pass on. It started out of respect for her, not wanting to 'force' myself on her, but it's now also evolved into a personal respect thing as well. Like 'why would I want to share myself, my being, my body, with someone who is rather 'meh' to the idea of it'? I actually think it's rather insulting to offer yourself up to someone, only have them say 'nah', or 'I guess so'. Yeah, once in a while is fine, I mean we aren't all in the mood all the time and life can get in the way such as illness, stress, etc., so once in a while this is ok but on a regular basis, it's just an insult and killjoy.
kingsfan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-09-2012, 01:53 PM   #68 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 229
Default Re: To husbands of wives who deny them sex...

Quote:
Originally Posted by missymrs80 View Post
I see a lot of posts on here about this topic. I don't get it. I get that life is hard people are tired kids need you...but it seems like there are a lot of men out there suffering in silence and just sucking it up essentially so as to not stir the pot. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems like a lot of husbands out there get rejected or shut down when they approach their wife in walking on eggshells kind of way. If I'm tired and my husband does that....it's so easy to say no not to tonight I'm so tired...and on and on. So he doesn't do that now bc I think he's learned, as I have too, that it doesn't lead to sex (if I am tired/stressed). When we first got married I remember I was too tired or whatever for several days in a row. By about the 5th day of no sex he swung open the door and began unbuckling his belt and in a very matter of fact and dominant way told me to get on my hands and knees. I was shocked and didn't move and he repeated him self and told me that he wanted me and that he was going to have me. That ended up being some of the hottest sex I had ever had. I hope he never gives that up. I like knowing that I'm his and that if he wants to have me he will..it's a total turn on, even if I was totally not turned on prior. So I guess I wonder if that dominance gets lost along the years or if that approach stops working after years of marriage. Have you tried being dominate and it backfired?
Yeah i tried that. She called the cops...J.K.
lifeisnotsogood is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-10-2012, 05:20 PM   #69 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: London
Posts: 79
Default Re: To husbands of wives who deny them sex...

Quote:
Originally Posted by missymrs80 View Post
I see a lot of posts on here about this topic. I don't get it. I get that life is hard people are tired kids need you...but it seems like there are a lot of men out there suffering in silence and just sucking it up essentially so as to not stir the pot. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems like a lot of husbands out there get rejected or shut down when they approach their wife in walking on eggshells kind of way. If I'm tired and my husband does that....it's so easy to say no not to tonight I'm so tired...and on and on. So he doesn't do that now bc I think he's learned, as I have too, that it doesn't lead to sex (if I am tired/stressed). When we first got married I remember I was too tired or whatever for several days in a row. By about the 5th day of no sex he swung open the door and began unbuckling his belt and in a very matter of fact and dominant way told me to get on my hands and knees. I was shocked and didn't move and he repeated him self and told me that he wanted me and that he was going to have me. That ended up being some of the hottest sex I had ever had. I hope he never gives that up. I like knowing that I'm his and that if he wants to have me he will..it's a total turn on, even if I was totally not turned on prior. So I guess I wonder if that dominance gets lost along the years or if that approach stops working after years of marriage. Have you tried being dominate and it backfired?
I'd be in a cell so ****ing quick I wouldnt know what day it was. You obviously have no idea that to a lot of women what your husband did is the same as assault. Lots of women find the idea that being "his" and that if he wants you he will are attacks on them and assaults. That this is something they are programmed to fight against and say is horrible and that you are a weak pathetic excuse of a woman for even putting up with.
The Chimp is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-10-2012, 06:24 PM   #70 (permalink)
Member
 
SimplyAmorous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,081
Default Re: To husbands of wives who deny them sex...

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Chimp View Post
I'd be in a cell so ****ing quick I wouldnt know what day it was. You obviously have no idea that to a lot of women what your husband did is the same as assault. Lots of women find the idea that being "his" and that if he wants you he will are attacks on them and assaults. That this is something they are programmed to fight against and say is horrible and that you are a weak pathetic excuse of a woman for even putting up with.
See I am not one of those women....I am not a feminist either... I married this man, tied myself to him in TRUST & love... therefore HIS body is mine , and my body is HIS... I share the "spirit" of 1st Corinthians 7...

Quote:
“It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.

Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
I never allowed a man to treat me badly and I sure as hell didn't marry that type... so for me.... if he was a little aggressive with me, there IS an assurance it is IN LOVE ...and yeah.. some of that savory LUST. (If he suddenly changed into an abuser... I would leave such a man!)... otherwise I would yeild to his "need'....and he would be very loving to access that I wasn't too tired or sick in any way to go there. --Because he operates in love.

I guess it is all in what one believes, or how they perceive such things. I would guess that many women have felt "USED" in the past, dating relationships went sour for example, fell for Players ....they have a sour taste in their mouth about how MEN VIEW SEX just to "get off", it left them empty, even angry.....

Then when they marry....they can't just flip a switch...these things play on their psyche to some degree...even men struggle if they were in the Players shoes before marraige... to find that "sacred place" of sharing each others bodies like this...freely -givingly - with a receptive spirit attached.

I feel that very strongly in my marraige -with complete trust, he does also, so for us... this works. Even though he is still not very aggressive, but he likes when I AM!
SimplyAmorous is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-10-2012, 06:28 PM   #71 (permalink)
Member
 
missymrs80's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: usa
Posts: 552
Default Re: To husbands of wives who deny them sex...

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Chimp View Post
I'd be in a cell so ****ing quick I wouldnt know what day it was. You obviously have no idea that to a lot of women what your husband did is the same as assault. Lots of women find the idea that being "his" and that if he wants you he will are attacks on them and assaults. That this is something they are programmed to fight against and say is horrible and that you are a weak pathetic excuse of a woman for even putting up with.
My husband is incredible though so its not like that. I like that if things ever get "stuck" in a bad place one of us will do something different to get us out of the "stuck" place
missymrs80 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-10-2012, 06:29 PM   #72 (permalink)
Member
 
missymrs80's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: usa
Posts: 552
Default Re: To husbands of wives who deny them sex...

See I am not one of those women....I am not a feminist either... I married this man, tied myself to him in TRUST & love... therefore HIS body is mine , and my body is HIS... I share the "spirit" of 1st Corinthians 7...

That's the place that I come from too amorous
missymrs80 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-10-2012, 06:33 PM   #73 (permalink)
Member
 
missymrs80's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: usa
Posts: 552
Default Re: To husbands of wives who deny them sex...

Also amorous, and chimp for that matter, my H is also prone to passivity and passivity leads me to feel unsafe as well as other things. So when he Is dominant it's his way of changing for the sake of our marriage.
missymrs80 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-10-2012, 07:03 PM   #74 (permalink)
Member
 
SimplyAmorous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,081
Default Re: To husbands of wives who deny them sex...

Quote:
Originally Posted by missymrs80 View Post
Also amorous, and chimp for that matter, my H is also prone to passivity and passivity leads me to feel unsafe as well as other things. So when he Is dominant it's his way of changing for the sake of our marriage.
How does his passivity lead you to feel "unsafe", I don't get that ? I don't follow.

I might say it is a little "boring" but I've never seen it as "unsafe".....

Because my husband IS the way he IS.... there is no way in this world he is going to hurt me, he can't even stand to look upon a RAPE scene on TV.... he has said in the past, it makes him want to go out & kill someone (yes, he is exagerrating -but he feels strongly about such things)...

What seems to save us is ...I bring a good bit of the aggressiveness to us. So it still works, but trying to get him to be more dominate, take full charge , tell me what he is going to do to me, all of that ..it's like barking up the wrong tree. Just doesn't come natural to him at all.

He is a through & through "sensual" lover, it is all "making love" to him. Which, you know, how can I complain.
SimplyAmorous is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-10-2012, 09:37 PM   #75 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: United States
Posts: 6,515
Default

King,
Part of having an edge is telling your wife:
Every other weekend I am slotting x hours for "guy time" with friends. Football - whatever.
As for the other stuff - shopping etc - you don't need to let the context impact the level of masculinity you show. In the clothing store:
You: i want you to model a short skirt or two for me
Her: giving you the brush off
You: I don't care I you buy em or not - but you are going to model for me because I asked you to

If she shuts you down - tell her your gonna go look at . Tvs, power tools, whatever you want. Don't be mad - just show some independence.

Male behavior can be overlaid in a playful way in almost any situation.

And Big bad wolf can dry off the last dish, place it in the rack, rotate in place, pick up his wife and start carrying her to the bedroom in a nice smooth, easy sequence. Because he has never let anyone feminize/castrate him


Quote:
Originally Posted by kingsfan View Post
I was replying to the issue of men and their expectations, not directly to what would and won't get someone laid.



Pretty much yeah. Some was venting for sure, but the overall point is that men are being asked (IE told) to act more feminine in the rest of life, yet we are expected to be every bit as controlling as ever in the bedroom. It doesn't work that way. Just like women say they need to be 'aroused' well before they hit the bedroom, men's attitude is the same way. Guaranteed if we spend a day of working, going shopping with the wife for 3 hours and cooking a meal, we aren't suddenly going to want to be Stud McMuffin, the hardest pocket rocket in the west, when it's go time in the bedroom.

Let us spend time watching football, hanging with the guys and thinking it's ok to think Rambo would be a cool guy to go on a hunting trip with and we're much more likely to want to pound you harder than Omaha beach on D-day. Thing is, society has already told us, for the better part of a few decades now, that football is a violent sport full of neanderthal's, hanging with the guys is just a way to get away from the kids and wife and shouldn't be tolerated, and Rambo is nothing better than a baby-killing pyscho.

But it's 'liberating' for women to go and watch Magic Mike, have a ladies night at the bar and to go on vacation with just their friends.

It's beginning to feel like anything men do that is labelled as 'typical' is therefore bad, while women who do the same things are considered to be simply freeing themselves of the shackles of modern male driven society.

Look at TV shows. In the 50's, you had June Cleaver cooking her ass off and Alice Kramden is trying not to get punched to the moon by her husband Ralph. Now you have a complete role reversal to the point it's considered funny when a husband is scared of or gives in to his wife everytime, like Everyone Loves Raymond, Chandler and Ross from Friends, or Roseanne.

Where are these macho type guys for us to look up to on TV? Jersey Shore? The Bachelor and Bachelorette? Twilight? Spider-man, whose more obsessed with Jane than he is with fighting crime half the time?

Compare the 80's and now. We used to be able to show off our chest hair, now we are considering uninteresting by modern media if we aren't completely clean shaven (even the chest on TV) and have our eyebrows tweezed. Larry from Three's Company was considered a ladies man (at least on the show) in the 80's. Today, he'd be a creepy loser.

It's all gone 180 so fast it's hard to keep up.
Posted via Mobile Device
MEM11363 is online now   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Do wives still take their husbands last names? Chopblock The Ladies' Lounge 87 08-16-2012 02:49 PM
? for Husbands (esp with LD wives) 1tired Sex in Marriage 75 06-27-2012 11:10 PM
What is it that Husbands need from their Wives? amberlynn General Relationship Discussion 9 07-19-2009 02:57 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:05 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage