Perhaps your husband was passive because, deep down, that's what he thought was supposed to happen, that his wife will tell him when, why, what and how often?
In my marriage, that's basically what I did. I grew up in a a family where affection was rarely shown in front of the kids, so rare that I can only remember a handful of time my parents kissing each other, and always when my mom went to my dad. I'm sure they were aggressive elsewhere, but not in front of us. I'm not sure if this was even on purpose because, as I said, the issue of sex, affection, love, etc. was never discussed in our household. Likely if I had asked about it, it would have been discussed, but it didn't even occur to me to discuss it because it seemed so taboo.
BINGO- this was EXACTLY my husband's growing up experience. For the record, ours is NOTHING like this... we openly share & express affection in front of our kids - we feel this is healthy. We also talk about sex to our teenagers. We have a good old time, our teen boys even get a little naughty -going around putting "69" on my microwave & timers - (this must sound half crazy) but they are boys in puberty, their minds are overtaken and well... Mom is pretty cool about it -getting a good
So in my marriage, when the sex dropped off, for a long time I just thought that's what everyone elses marriage did as well. You got married, had kids, and that was about it. You had sex once in a while, but generally not very often and when you did, it was when the wife 'allowed' it.
My husband has told me (in hindsite)...he didn't want to rock the boat -because all the guys at work were getting less ....at least I always initiated -and enjoyed sex.
So he just played passive, I know he felt on top of this world when I came to him...he still got me going when he TRIED...pretty much every time... I recall falling asleep on him a time or 2 while he was still touching me only to wake up, get aroused & we went at it -his patience level was un freaking believable.. he never was much of a flirter though... I Think this would have really spiced up the mood -a little verbal -he was just too "quiet". He still is... this bugs me at times.
I'm not sure about your husband, but I know I never had any friends I could talk to about sex and expectations regarding sex. Even my really good friends, I couldn't 100% trust that they wouldn't talk about it to their wives, and their wives were friends with my wife, and I knew it'd go badly if word got back to my wife that I was discussing our sex life with anyone.
I am not this type of wife, very OPEN and It wouldn't bother me a bit if he talked to his friends about such things -though he wouldn't bring up such a subject, only if others did , and with the guys at work, he joined in cracking those jokes that he only had sex 6 times (= 6 kids) (back then).
I am like the easiest darn woman to talk too... about ANYTHING UNDER THE SUN, yes I am opinionated, but I listen and closely... I want peace in my marriage. There was no reason on this god green earth for him to not come to me...other than his FEAR of more rejection. Which I don't believe for a second, I would have given him. We would have talked it out, he was always damn good to me and he deserved better.
I LOVE communication, even back then, I don't falt men for having feelings , I prefer a sensitive man... we used to write mushy love letters to each other in high school, I love the SAP! I worship honestly, even if I don't want to hear it...give it to me straight...If you are mad, LET IT FLY! Me being so different from him (not passive) didn't help me understand him back then.
Besides upbringing, he had another whammy - he has a naturally passive temperment- being a Phleg -Melancholy , combined with wanting to FEEL my "desire" on the onset , if not, in his mind, he felt less loved somehow. MY husband wouldn't raise a hand if he even entertained the idea he would be a "burden" in sex. IT would be a pure erection killer too. The near thought is repulsive to him.
Sorry for the long winded, crying on the therapists couch statement here, but I can understand why your husband may have been passive. He may genuienely felt that that's just the way things are, that he should be quiet about sex and be grateful for what he gets. Fear of rocking the boat can prevent you from pushing for what you want and need, as can a lack of understanding why you should be able to rock the boat in the first place.
Well I thank you for your long windedness in this, because quite honestly, this subject came up last night between us, me reading this thread yesterday SADDENED me about our past , what we missed... I wasn't in a very good mood...and I do tend to want to blame him for his lack of talking and being more creative -when he was FEELING IT - instead of hiding it all under a bushel....so your words here GIVE ME SOME UNDERSTANDING FOR HIS MINDSET BACK THEN, like you are defending his positon. I need to hear it !
The problem with me is this... When I felt this way (HIGH DRIVE) ...I went out of my freaking way to turn him on -which has been wonderful (sex 5-6 times a week, variety, excitement, new novelty, I read books on how to please a man, I bought lingerie, sex games, I flirted with him, I introduced him to erotic massage, we tried new sex positions, I'd attack him when he got home pulling him upstairs for a BJ, wore heels cooking breakfast, planned Romantic HOT getaways, we rented porn, I talked about sex, damn I could write a book ! ).... when I sit here & compare the lack of how he handled our past, it tends to get under my skin.
But yeah.. I gotta let it go !!