FrdFrmBrdn

I am 28 and she is 29 and were engaged. We have been together for 5 years now. In the beginning like most people, the sex was frequent (5 times a week on average) and fun and slightly exotic. Which is great. I had expected this to fade off like most people I would imagine. She was very open to trying things I wanted that wasn't "normal" in her past sex life. Once this started to slow down I didn't get up.set or anything about it. In the recent years sex is happening once a month, and only after I am rejected about 10 times with in 30 nights and a huge fight the night before and I unintentionally make her feel guilty about it.. I don't feel i ask a lot of sex and up until recently i never showed her I was mad about being rejected. I always have been very caring to her feelings. (i.e. she isn't feeling well, she's tired and so on) and tried my best to understand. But now I clearly see through the excuses and am tired of it.

We don't have any kids and if we did i am sure that would be excuse number 1. I always, up until recently when I just naturally started to anticipate her answer, have been what I believe most women would think is romantic. I start rubbing her back and things like that but she just sees them now as I just want sex. Even when I don't and want to make her feel better after a hard day. Which usually ends up with her just saying "I'm tired, not tonight" with out me giving any sexual advance.

I have tried to have a talk about it and tell her how I feel that were young and should be having sex more then we are. And even brought up the fact, after these talks turn into a fight, that I am convinced my parents have sex more then we do. My family is open and make suggesting jokes that would lead me to this assumption. I believe it to be sad in light of this fact. I have always been some what frisky and have done my best to change myself to make things easier on her. Its not easy for a man to turn down his sex drive but I have tried my best so that me and her can be on the same page when it comes to sex.

I am tired of being the one who has to concede and back off. I'm sick of her lack of trying. I love my fiance and I know she loves me back. I have never cheated on anyone and will not on her. I also know that she isn't cheating on me or even talking to anyone else. Is it possible? Yes, but I highly doubt it. What can I do to get her to put into this relationship as much as I feel I do? I don't think going to counseling is the solution. In fact I think that if that is the only solution then we shouldn't be together because were not even 30 yet, no kids, and not married. If that is the only thing we/I can do this early in our relationship then I feel its doomed from the start and why work so hard on something that might not end up being good for us. I don't want to leave her but I believe sex to be very important in a relationship and maybe being with someone else, we will have a better start to a relationship that is meant to last the rest of our life's.

Any good mature suggestion's would be very appreciated.

jameskimp

Women put out a lot more BEFORE they are married. Yours has already tapered off.

I would strongly advise you rethink the marriage because what I see here is years of resentment building up to a divorce.

one_strange_otter

First off, never beg for it. She will resent having to cave in to your temper tantrum. sounds counter intuitive but don't give her any intimacy. No shoulder rubs, no nothing. tell her your going to bed to go rub one out then go to sleep. Let her know she isn't your only outlet for sex. over all ask yourself if you have changed since you first got together. Did you use to me more alpha, more in charge of things? Thats the guy she wants to sleep with. Find that guy again and watch her turn around fairly quickly.
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missymrs80

Being tired is not what's going on here. Do you have iTunes? If so, go to playboy advisor podcast from playboy radio and listen to 27 - passionate marriage. I was listening to it on my drive to work today and heard many things that should be helpful to you. Don't judge the playboy podcast for being play boy....it's actually good info, on that particular episode at least!

missymrs80

And it's free

EleGirl

How many hours a week do the two of you spend doing things together, just the two of you?

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Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


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FrdFrmBrdn

To answer some of the questions,

We spend a decent amount of time together. Id say 5 hours on average on a week day, doing things we both like to do. There is no lack of communication and we get along great other wise.

I hear you on letting her come to me. I tried it. I made no attempts in bed. Took about 2 months before I said something. How long it would have gone before she made her move had I not brought it up? No one knows.

And I think tomorrow when I get out of work I will listen to that Itunes thing you suggested.

Thanks everyone for the suggestions so far. I'm open to anything and all comments you have. Thanks.

WorkingOnMe

Whatever you do, don't marry someone who doesn't want to have sex with you. Basically, to get her back you'll need to be willing to let her go. If she knows you'll never leave, you'll never have balance in your relationship.

This is a great chance for you to set sexless ness as a hard boundary. Let her know now you aren't willing to marry someone who doesn't want sex with you. And if it comes back, and goes away again later that you'll divorce. It's a good time to make clear that this is a requirement to be married to you.

EleGirl

I agree that marrying her with the way things are right now woudl be a very bad idea. This has to be settled first. If it does not change do you really want to live your life with this little sex... or even less sex?

You might benefit from the book "His Needs, Her Needs". One of the topics it addresses is that for men sex is usually their #1 emotional need. The book would explain this to here. The book has other things that would help both of you.

Give her a set amount of time to turn her behavior around 3 to 6 months. If she does not you should really think about leaving her. THe relationship is not healthy.

__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters

Hicks

If you were to try to have sex with a woman in a bar, do you think you would have to act a certain way to make that happen? Or would you just walk up to her, hug her, and expect her to start having sex with you? You have to think about your girl more as single woman that you have to pursue in some way. The "expectation" of easy sex makes a woman feel like you are using her.

What you have to do is tell her that she has to move out, you are breaking off the engagement and there is no way you can stay with her in this non sexual, boring, frustrating relationship. But that you love her and are totally willing to be with her in a mutual fulfilling sexual relationship. That is your preference. And you would really love her to choose that option, but the choice is hers.

This is how you attract your own woman to you.

missymrs80

It's an hour long. It discusses your exact question and gives really good info on how to handle it. I'm a therapist and I would say its sound info. Don't think about it just do it. Lol!

jaharthur

Corrected that for ya.

ladybird

Not all woman are like this, I for one am not!! My husband is the one who doesn't put out anymore

Put out or get out that works sometimes.

MEM11363

When did your sex life drop to a low level?
When did you get engaged?
Who wanted to get married?
Who was the person "pushing" for the engagement?

livelaughlovenow

I am a woman and surprised that her drive has already tappered off, I would suggest you read the top 5 needs of a man and the top 5 needs of a woman, and before discussing with her again sex, make sure you are meeting her top 5 needs, if in fact you are, then bring the entire discussion to her... point blank. You can find the list at the link below... without reading any books or buying any books. Definitely settle this before marriage. Are there any signs she could be cheating? This strikes me as odd since you are not yet married, and no children. Children do drain a woman, I will say that and that is usually the point when women struggle with sex drive issues... but for this to be happening in your relationship already, something is amiss.... I would agree with the others, call off the engagement temporarily. Postpone the wedding, whatever to get through to her, after you first try the discussion I mentioned and see if it makes a difference. You may find that you are missing on meeting her needs (our top 5 needs in a relationship as a woman not one is sexual so it's important and we try to communicate them, although we often go about it the wrong way).
And as a man your top 1 is sex, and the more you push, the more pressure she feels and the less she thinks about it, because it is more about a need and less about a "connection" and "desire". But it can be fixed.
His Needs-Her Needs-Our Needs (weird title but the site is about relationships and since you are living together it would apply to you)