ukv

Hi guys n gals,

I have been going through lots and lots of posts here and it has been quite difficult to keep up. When people here say that if you dont get sex then do this or do that .... exactly what do they mean here:
- Does she turn them down when you initiate
- Does she do it half heartedly when you initiate
- Does she do it half heartedly in a way that you think its practically a case of rejection and no sex.

In my case it is one or the other of the above almost all the time.

In my case I yearn and long for her to initiate because she has done it only about 3-4 times in the last 10 years. It makes me feel that I am not desirable at all. Of course when I do initiate she does it half heartedly most of the time so the whole experience is rather inadequate and the sexual release (if I could say so) does not happen.

Also when pressed she would do some BJ action like a minute long intermittent suck-lick-breathe-wipe penis head routine which might go for 3 minutes max. So this is almost like no practical BJ experience as well. At other times she will say no to BJ.

I have this extremely strong need to get a good start to end BJ but will never get.


For all practical purposes the experience whenever I initiate (about 2 times a week) is very inadequate and rarely satisfactory.

My question is what category should I put myself in if I have to identify with the general sentiment here. I would say "I dont get sex" category but what would you guys say?


Of course the above issue causes most of the friction in marriage and if this one was tackled in a more reasonable way by my wife I would take care of everything else that my wife has issues with to her liking but it so happens that we are always in a vicious circle. In fact I have taken care of all the material needs for her but the emotional needs are so inextricably linked to my own sexual gratification or her nonchalent views on it that I do not feel like responding to them and even if I do I do not get any positive change in our sex life so it goes back to the vicious circle again.


I am at the point now that I dont care but just wonder why the hell can she put in any positive effort at even working on this cause of tension. I have had a heart to heart frank talk with her numerous times (enought in my opinion).

I am the moneymaker, the strategist, analyst of the house and she is basically and has been the stay at home mom. Her unsuccessful attempts at not being able to find a job caused a resentment in her somehow (thats a diff story).

I have tried to be patient for extended lengths of time over few months consistently while I have worked at giving her my best attitude for her but she just doesnt get it.


I have heard of the other comments about MMSL techniques and other ways to make her find more interest in me... like getting my own hobbies and dressing up smart and generally working on myself regarding grooming etc. and I will do that all but at this time because of a temporary physical separation accross continents this is not possible to demonstrate to her.


Although I know it will eventually be a compromise but still I would at least expect her to start thinking about it and reading about this and at least make some effort at bridging the gap. But she doesnt do any - any small changes have been mostly of my own pushing and they have been so minute that they are insignificant and they have taken 10 years of marriage.

Sometimes this causes me to blow up wildly and in the process we have had a a couple of catfights and she scratched me and I slightly slapped her and she slapped me and we pushed each other... she even threw an iron rod not right at me but it was quite close and it hit the lcd and left a mark in the screen there eventually. I know self control is the key but sometimes the whole sexual tension in me causes me to get angry and it sets some mild to medium aggressive acts in motion in us. I do not remember vividly what happened and who did what but I do remember the 3-4 times we had significant fights it was over sex. Its so pathetic but then we are human.... however she seems a little inhuman and quite insensitive. Because of her extreme kind of nature I have called her dumb coz she cant see the point that her attitude to sex with me is making our family go through hell.

I have never got a kiss, a hug, or a caress of her own initiation.... So the point that I have never felt love emotionally connected (coz of no sex inititation or interest or participation) holds valid.

I have blabbered enough and more than what I had initially thought of asking....

Back to the question of category- WHich category do I belong ? (as in options A - dont get sex, B dont get enough sex, C - dont get satisfactory sex) I feel its almost all of these equally coz such is my sexual gratification deficit if I may call it.

ukv

she says she is giving BJ however that is so insignificant that its practially nothing. She says she is giving sex but for me its not much because she has not got involved in pleasuring me. She always does so many things duing my f.....ing her that I feel like a soulless encounter and also makes me difficult to cum at times. That causes her to get angry even more.

I make it a point to make her cum one way or the other anyways and she gets her Os either by intercourse or by my hand.... I wish I could see her involved, having fun, wanting to give fun, making it exciting, she would feel excited.... but she doesnt even bother.

ukv

I think she has a low self-esteem because she doesnt have a job that she wants and that is not my fault but I feels that should not come in the way of our sex life.

I know many would suspect me for the pig who constantly mocks at her about her job - trust me I dont. On the other extreme I have helped her all the time.

It is so simple for me. I am willing to oversee everything else if only she just gave me a good time in bed or at least made an eager and a willingful attempt at that... but all I see is anger, resentment and selfish need for sleep.

needyForHelp

- Does she turn them down when you initiate
- Does she do it half heartedly when you initiate
- Does she do it half heartedly in a way that you think its practically a case of rejection and no sex.

For me all of the above everytime .......

No BJ, no French kissing ...... very rarely breast touching, closed eyes, no words uttered and no movement at all and lately she with her shirt on ......... and only mishinary position is allowed ....... and then during sex if it starts taking long then, she says, she is getting tired and I should do it quickly and get over with it.

ukv

So would u say that u dont get sex or would you say that you get unsatisfactory sex... if you have to generally speak to someone I would say that you dont get sex (in a one line summary) would you agree?

needyForHelp

Well I 95% agree with that .... because we need to define what is sex .... in some people's point of view sex is intercourse, so if you are getting intercourse then you are getting sex. But in my point of view sex is the intimacy, closeness and sharing the feelings and bodies of each other ........ so in my case with first point of view I am getting some but with second point of view I am not getting any.

larry.gray

What generally happened is my wife sometimes would get into it and sometimes it wouldn't go anywhere. She'd go along in the hope that she'd get into it.

After about 1/2 hour of foreplay she'd just not get turned on. It didn't matter what I did, even if I went through exactly what she told me would work. At that point I was turned on like you wouldn't believe. Not once did she offer to take care of my needs because as far as she was concerned, if she didn't get anything out of it I shouldn't either.

It didn't take that many times for me to quit initiating and we'd have dry spells for weeks to months. Her drive was always in cycles and it would pick back up.

unbelievable

What is your wife's function in life? She doesn't work and apparently can't be bothered with being a wife? If she is a wife, she needs to put forth some effort. Nobody gets a free ride for breathing. It sounds like she's just lazy. She does next to nothing for you because she can without any ill consequences. If you have joint accounts, close them. She doesn't show you affection? Quit showing any for her. She loves to shop? Start closing lines of credit. She's getting something out of the marriage and she apparently thinks she'll keep getting it whether she participates or not. She gives minimal service, she gets minimal return. She gives more, she gets more. If my dogs can figure out "cause and effect" she can, too.

ukv

Exactly my train of thoughts - however I have said these things to her and perhaps I will push this hard and tough message even more so now. The problem is that it starts and argument and then I back off thinking that she will pull me down to her level of dumbness and then beat me with experience.

However would you agree if I said that I do not get sex? (as a one line summary. I hear others summarising like this and wonder if their situation is similar to mine)

7737

I guess for some people, sex is like food.

Some people regard food as simply fuel for the body. They don't particulalry like it and they only eat when they absolutely have to.
If they could fit a solar panel to the top of their head and get all their 'fuel' that way they would.

Some people (sadly mostly women) view sex in the same way...it is there to procreate. Once they have done that there is no need for it. When they do have sex they don't like it dont cherish it etc...because they are simply doing it (as little as they can get away with) for their husband.

Then there are women who when they make a simple sandwich, make sure they use the freshest bread, crisp lettuce, yummiest salami, juiciest tomatoes....because they live to eat, not eat to live!

needyForHelp

Well after reading this I am not sure, if I am lacking sex or just HUNGRY

Anomnom

If you are having regular sex (twice a week you said?) I don't understand the confusion to which category you fall into. From what you describe it's clearly C..not satisfactory.

I on the other hand fall into A..I've had sex 3 times this year..that my dear is considered no sex from my point of view!

needyForHelp

HATS OFF TO ANOMNOM ....... Yes thats clearly category A ...... And I do feel for you.

missymrs80

Have you told her you feel hurt etc when she turns you down? Have you ever said to her that you are concerned things aren't on track in your marriage and that you would like to work with her in getting it back on track?